Chapter 20

“What are ye doing?”

“Packing,” replied Arianna without looking at Fiona. “I am nearly done and then I will go and help my boys pack all their things.”

“May I ask why?” Fiona sat on the bed and watched Arianna fold a gown with far too much care.

“’Tis time to leave, or so I was told. Time to return to my family and the life that I deserve because I was born to it. Somehow my birth demands that I marry only certain men and live only in a type of untold luxury that my parents have ne’er enjoyed and ...”

Arianna grabbed the gown she had just packed and threw it across the room. That felt so good that she rapidly did the same with everything she had packed until all her clothing was scattered from one end of the room to the other. Cursing softly, she sat down on the bed and glared at the floor.

“Feel better?” Fiona asked as she pushed the saddle packs aside and moved closer to Arianna.

“Nay, not much, and now I shall have to do my packing all over again.”

“Brian told ye to leave, did he?”

Just hearing Fiona say it sent pain slicing through her heart, but Arianna nodded. “Aye. He thanked me kindly for how I cared for him but he is healed now and my family is anxious to see me. Told me how honored he was to help me and even said I could call for him again if I was in trouble. I told him I would just ask my family and left, saying something about needing to pack. Those things I was just saying are what I ken he was thinking, what he has said to a lot of people.”

“And do ye always do what he says?”

She looked at Fiona. “What choice do I have? He wants me gone, Fiona.”

“Nay, he doesnae. He is just doing what he thinks is right. Brian is far too aware of the fact that he is a younger son without land or much coin, a mon of one and thirty who has earned his knighthood yet still lives in his father’s house. Ye, Lady Arianna, are a verra high reach for such a mon.”

“So his pride will send me home? His pride will bar us from even trying to reach for more than an adventure and a few nights of passion? Why doesnae his pride tell him that he is good enough for me? What good is pride when ye are all alone?”

“None, but I think there is a wee bit more than that to it all. Ewan says Brian has seen a lot of sour marriages, ones made for land, title, or money, and has always said he would never marry for that. Mayhap he fears that is what everyone would think he was doing if he wed you. Worse, he might fear that even ye would begin to think so.”

“Why would he think I am so unable to ken what I want or what I can be content with? Aye, the way I let Claud and his kin treat me may have made me look weak, but I have certainly shown him o’er the last few weeks that I have a mind of my own and can make decisions. If he cannae see that after all the time we have spent together and all we have gone through, then how can I e’er make him see it?”

“Look at me. I am called Fiona of the ten knives and pulled a sword on my husband the first time I met him, yet he still tries now and then to make decisions for me. Men cannae help themselves. They often think they ken what is best for us without even asking. That is why we must occasionally let them ken, in the strongest way possible, that we have minds of our own and can make our own decisions about what is best for us.”

“I would have thought ye had all the MacFingals fully aware of that by now,” she said, and managed to share a brief smile with Fiona.

“I also think that, if ye just walk away now, ye will regret it for the rest of your life.”

“And he willnae?”

“Oh, aye, he will, but he will still think he has done the right thing and that will comfort him. Probably thinking this was the honorable thing to do will make him accept it all as something he had to do, too.” She nodded when Arianna snorted softly with scorn. “He truly believes ye are too high a reach for him and he wouldnae be doing the right thing if he tried to make ye stay.”

Arianna put her elbows on her knees and bent to rest her face in her hands. “It may be for the best anyway. It may be that I can convince him that I want to stay with him, dinnae care about bloodlines, finery, or the like, but there is something I cannae give him nay matter how much I love him.”

Fiona frowned. “And what would that be?”

“Children.” She told Fiona about thinking she was barren and all that Jolene had said about the possibility that she was not. “I had thought to talk to ye about it but with everything that has happened, I forgot. Then my bleeding time came last week and all I could think about was that Brian hadnae been able to seed me, either.”

“Ah, weel, I dinnae think ye are barren. Ye were nay with Brian long enough for that to let ye judge the way of it. I am thinking Jolene has the right of it. But, there isnae any way to be certain the problem was with Claud and nay you. There is a hint or two that it was. I also dinnae think that Brian would care.”

“Nay? Men want children. Wheesht, I want children. The fact that I actually wanted Claud’s children should be enough to tell ye that.”

Fiona smiled, but then said, “I wager Callum could find ye a few in need of a home and family.”

“I did think on that but they wouldnae be of Brian’s blood. That might trouble him.”

Fiona shook her head. “I doubt it, truly I do. As for ones of his blood? This keep fair bursts at the seams with them. The MacFingals have more than they need. Ye have seen that. We have a whole army of MacFingals and, being the rutting goats that they are, they are still making more.” Fiona stood up. “There is only one way to find out if ye are barren or nay, isnae there? And ye just told me that ye dinnae have that as proof yet.”

Arianna shook her head, the pain she had suffered when she had bled last week still fresh. She had not realized she had hoped for Brian’s child until that hope had been crushed. Her mind knew that the fact that Brian had not seeded her in the few times they had made love meant nothing, but her heart did not. The fear that she was barren had returned in full strength.

“Weel, all I can say is that I wouldnae let it stand,” said Fiona. “I would go right back to the fool and tell him what an idiot he is. There is a chance that, if ye make your own feelings on the matter verra clear, he will change his mind. He could be thinking he can send ye away now because it will nay hurt ye much. Ye need to convince him that he is wrong.”

“Why must it always be the woman who needs to take that first step?”

“Because men are idiots. And as I told ye, they are also verra fond of making decisions for us without discussing it all with us first. So, rouse that anger I saw when I first came in here and then hunt the mon down. Aye, there may be a chance, a verra small one as I see it, that he will still send ye home. But, when ye go, ye will do so kenning that ye had done all ye could to make him ask ye to stay, aye?”

“So then all the blame will then rest on his shoulders?”

“Exactly. Right where it belongs.”

Arianna remained seated on the bed for a while after Fiona left, staring at the mess she had made. It was going to take a lot of courage to go and confront Brian, to lay herself bare in the hope that he would want to keep her. It was also going to be a hard fight to get him to see that she did not need all those things he thought she did, that she did not care if he had land, a castle, or a purse bulging with coin. She had had that for five years in France and had been utterly miserable. Claud had been one of those highborn, landed, and titled men Brian thought she should find and marry, yet the man had been a cruel bastard with no care for her at all.

She tensed. Her fury over being sent home like some wayward child was returning. Arianna smiled. She might be a little lacking in courage but, when she was furious, she tended to forget that.

“So ye dinnae plan to come out of your room and wave us all on our way?”

Brian scowled at Callum. “Strange. I didnae hear ye knock.”

Callum sat in the chair across the worktable from Brian and helped himself to a drink of ale. “Might be because I didnae.” He took a drink, sighed with pleasure, and then fixed a cold, green gaze on Brian. “As her dearest cousin, I should have beaten ye soundly for taking her to your bed, but she was happy. Now I think I shall beat ye soundly for kicking her out of your bed. Ye have made her verra unhappy.”

“Ye kenned I was going to do it when ye were in here earlier.”

“Aye, but I saw her face when she left.”

“She was angry.”

“Och, aye, that she was, but she was also hurt.”

“And I am sorry for that but this is for her own good.” He glared when Callum made a harsh sound of derision. “’Tis. I am but a knight and that honor was given to me by my own cousin. If I wasnae here, I would have to be selling my sword to some laird. Now that I am healed I will be back to sharing a room with three of my brothers. I have no land. I dinnae e’en have a wee cottage to put her and the lads in. Aye, I have a wee bit of coin but nay enough to keep a lady like her.”

“But ye will.”

“What?”

“The trade ye started. It has served ye and Scarglas verra weel. I was shown some of the improvements that trade has brought ye, as weel as some comforts and luxuries.”

“It isnae a particularly safe business. Ships sink and take all the coin ye spent or would have gained down with them. And, aye, this wine trade with Ignace may prove profitable but ’tis too early to tell. I havenae built the trade up beyond the one ship, either.”

“I can provide ye with the names of a few of my kinsmen who can help with that.”

“But only if I wed your cousin.”

“Nay, I wouldnae do that to my cousin. Wouldnae do that to the mon I will be in trade with, either. If naught else, it would constantly put me in the middle and that is nay a place I want to be.”

The door to the room slammed open startling both men. Brian gaped at Arianna. Her gown was wrinkled, her hair was half down and half pinned up, and if she had a sword in her hand he would have been considering making a run for it. He did not think he had ever seen a woman so furious.

“Callum,” she said, and Brian was surprised that such a dainty, bonnie lass could sound like she was growling.

“Aye, cousin?”

“Leave.”

“Going.”

Brian thought that wide grin on Callum’s face was unnecessary. He also thought, that as a fellow man, Callum should have made some attempt to protect him. If nothing else, the man should have shown some concern about the fact that his cousin looked ready to murder his new trading partner. He could not stop himself from jumping slightly when she slammed the door behind her rapidly retreating cousin.

“Arianna,” he began, trying to use the most soothing voice he could.

“Ye are an idiot,” she snapped. “Who do ye think ye are to make my decisions for me as if I am some child? Did ye ask me if I wanted to leave? Nay. Ye decided it was best for me.”

Brian wondered how she could make that sound like some perversion.

“Weel, I will have my say now and I will tell ye what I think and ye will listen.”

Since she was silent and glaring at him, Brian decided she was waiting for some response. He nodded.

“I allowed ye to make love to me. Do ye think I do that with just anyone? I didnae e’en do it much with the mon I thought was my husband.”

“Aye, but the passion ...”

“Shut up. I am talking. I ken that I was weak, allowing Claud to make me think less of myself, but am I nay recovering from that weakness? Aye, I am, but ’tis clear ye still think me some weak child or ye wouldnae have been deciding things for me. And ye think I care about silks, jewels, fine homes, and all? What have I done to make ye think that, I ask? Naught. I ate thrice-cursed rabbit for days and ne’er once complained, did I?”

“Nay?” Brian was not sure what eating rabbit had to do with anything but he was beginning to think he would be the idiot she claimed he was if he interrupted her now.

“Nay, I didnae. I didnae complain about the dirt, sweaty horses, cold beds on the ground, or the lack of clean, silken gowns. I cannae understand why ye think I am such a delicate, particular lass. As for all this weel-born nonsense? I was born in a bed just as ye were. My parents have coin, aye, and enough to make sure all their daughters have dowries and their sons some sort of inheritance that will allow them to wed where they please, but they are nay wealthy and they are nay particular about who their children wed. My sister married a blacksmith. My mother was the bastard daughter of some rutting goat of a laird and the village alewife. Ye, sir, are the only one who seems to fret o’er such things.”

“But ...”

“Shut up. I thought this all out and I have to say it. If ye interrupt, I willnae get it all out. I am going to tell ye what I want. I want a mon who can make my eyes cross when he makes love to me. I want a roof o’er my head and I dinnae much care if the roof is only thatch. I want enough food to keep us from starving and enough coin to buy something pretty when I have to go to some special celebration. I want bairns. I may nay be able to bear any of my own but there are many, many poor wee bairns who need a home and I will be looking for some. And ...”

Arianna suddenly realized that Brian was sitting up straight in his seat staring at her in a way that made her a little nervous. It was such an intense look that she found it difficult to recall the rest of what she had planned to say. Her fury was also fading and suddenly so was her courage.

“And ...” Brian demanded.

“And I want ye to give them to me. I want to be with ye, in your bed, in whate’er home ye make for us, and I want ye to try and love me as I love ye. And if ye try to send me away again, I will come right back.”

“Ye are nay going anywhere.”

He moved so fast she had no chance to elude him even if she wanted to. Arianna was astonished at how quickly he got her down on the floor. She was swiftly drowning in the heat of his kiss when she heard a slight tearing noise.

“My gown,” she began.

“I will get ye another.”

Brian did not think he had ever undressed her so fast or shed his own clothing with such speed. He needed to be skin to skin with her so badly he did not care about what ripped or where their clothes landed when he tossed them aside. If he did not have the proof of her kisses and the touch of her hands to tell him that passion had gripped her as tightly as it had him, he would be worried about how rough he was. Instead, he thought only of burying himself deep inside her.

Arianna cried out with joy when Brian joined their bodies with one hard thrust. She wrapped her arms and legs around him, reveling in the ferocity of his passion. Her own desire rose up hot and wild, her need for him a greed she doubted would ever wane. When her release crashed over her, she was faintly aware of shouting out her pleasure and her love. Then she was lost in the pleasure that swept all thought from her head as he joined her in that blissful fall, saying her name against her neck as his body shuddered from the strength of his release.

“So, ye are staying then,” he said once he regained the power of speech.

“Only if ye truly want me to,” she said, praying that she had not mistaken what had just happened, that what they had just shared meant he loved her, too, or was at least very close to loving her.

“I ne’er really wanted ye to leave.” He kissed the hollow at the base of her neck. “I just thought that it was what I should do.”

“But do I stay as just your lover or am I to be more?”

He lifted his head and kissed the tip of her nose. “Ye have always been more, Arianna. Always. If ye stay, it will be as my wife. ’Tis one reason I was insistent on making ye leave. I kenned that, if I kept ye close any longer, I would ne’er have the strength to let ye go. I thought that was wrong, even selfish, when ye could find a mon who could give ye so much more that I can.”

“Ye give me what I need, Brian. That is all that matters. I wish I could give ye a child,” she whispered.

“If ye dinnae, then ye dinnae. I shall nay be upset. I have so many kin I cannae recall half their names anyway.” He returned her quick grin. “And I like your thought of finding some wee ones who desperately need a home. I think we shall do that e’en if we are granted one of our own.”

He eased free of her body and picked her up in his arms. “And I shouldnae have my soon to be wife lying on the hard floor.” He settled her down on a small bed tucked against the wall and quickly joined her there.

“Ye have a bed in your ledger room?”

“We have wee beds where’er we can fit them and this isnae really my ledger room, but the room where anyone who has some work to do can come and do it.” He frowned as he stroked her hip. “I fear that will be the way of it for a while, Arianna. I have no home save this one.”

“This is a fine home. All we need is a bedchamber that doesnae have a few of your brothers in it.” She smiled when he laughed. “Or, if ye want, we could go and live in a wee cottage on the land the boys hold.”

“Where is that?”

“About a half day’s ride from here in the same direction as Dubheidland.”

“Jesu, that close?” He shook his head. “Weel, we can talk on all that later. I want to enjoy the first day of ye becoming part of Scarglas.”

She sighed with pleasure when he licked the hard tips of her breasts, fondling them in an almost idle manner that had her blood heating in a deliciously slow way. There was only one small shadow on her happiness. Brian had not told her he loved her. Arianna thought she could sense it in the way he made love to her, in the way he looked at her, but found that was not enough. She wanted to hear the words.

“Brian, I said I loved ye,” she began with a hesitancy she hated but could not shake free of.

“I ken it. I dinnae think I have e’er heard anything so beautiful.”

She looked down at the top of his head, enjoying the way he was kissing and licking her breasts but needing to look him in the eye as they spoke of such serious matters. Just as she reached to turn his face up to hers, however, he slid his hand between her thighs and began to caress her in a way that made thinking of serious matters almost impossible. Arianna gritted her teeth and forced her mind back to the problem of finding out whether or not the man she loved and would soon marry actually loved her.

“Brian, I love ye.”

“Aye, and I will ne’er tire of hearing ye say it.”

She frowned. There was a teasing note in his voice. The man was teasing her about something so very important to her? She rapped her knuckles on top of his head and scowled when he lifted his head and grinned at her.

“Ye can tease me about it all ye like later. Right now I am feeling as if I am at a disadvantage here,” she said, not surprised that her voice did not hold the tone of prim reprimand she wanted for he was still stroking her, sliding his fingers in and out of her in a way that had her beginning to pant.

Brian kept his hand busy right where it was but slid up her body far enough to brush a kiss over her mouth. “I love ye, Arianna. I have for a long time but I kenned it for certain when Amiel took ye from me. I loved ye enough to let ye go because I thought it was what ye needed.”

Arianna rapidly blinked, not wanting to cry when she was actually so happy she felt choked with it. She wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him, trying to imbue the kiss with all the love that filled her. When he slowly entered her, she sighed with pleasure, stroking his back as he stroked her with his body. Release came slowly to them both, whispered words of love adding to its beauty. Arianna knew she was crying while she held him close as they both trembled from the force of their release.

“I dinnae ken how ye would have e’er thought of being without this,” she whispered against his cheek.

“Weel, mayhap ye were right to call me an idiot.” He lifted his head and grinned at her when she laughed. “Ah, lass, I still think ye are too good for me but ye are stuck with me now.”

“Good. ’Tis the only place I wish to be.”

“We should get off this wee bed and get dressed before someone tries to get in. I dinnae want any of my kin seeing all this bonnie flesh. ’Tis mine and mine alone.”

“Are ye mine and mine alone, too?”

“Aye, lass. I should have said so. I ken my family isnae one to inspire belief in the faithfulness of a MacFingal but—”

She stopped his words with a brief kiss. “Your word is enough. Now, let us get dressed before—”

“Am I to unpack or pack the horses?” yelled Callum from outside the closed door.

Brian had to bite back a grin at how deeply Arianna blushed and how swiftly she leapt from the bed to start getting dressed. He sprawled on his back and watched her, enjoying the way she moved. She loved him. He felt like a king and could not seem to stop grinning.

“Weel? Have ye gone deaf in there or has my wee cousin killed ye and she is now weeping o’er your rotting corpse?”

“’Tis too soon for my corpse to be rotting,” Brian yelled back as he got up and began to dress, biting back a grin when he saw a flustered Arianna struggling to disguise the tear in her gown.

“So are we staying? Am I invited to a wedding?”

“Callum, go away!” yelled Arianna.

“That was what I was going to do but since ye two have been in there together for so long and I didnae hear any screams of pain, I thought there might have been a change of plans.”

Brian was glad he knew how to dress quickly for Arianna rushed to the door, flung it open, and glared at her cousin. “Have ye been out there the whole time?”

“Weel, nay the whole time,” Callum said, and then winked. “Just long enough to ken that we probably willnae be leaving.”

Brian caught up to Arianna just in time to catch her little fist as it swung toward Callum’s nose. “Tell my fither that we need a feast so that I can announce that I am about to get married.”

Arianna heard a round of cheers and finally looked beyond Callum. There had to be two dozen MacFingals standing around in the hall outside the door of the little ledger room. Right outside the door of the room where she had been yelling at Brian and then yelling in pleasure. She groaned, turned around, and hid her face against his chest.

“Tell them to go away before I die of embarrassment,” she told Brian.

Callum patted her on the back. “Congratulations, cousin. Best ye find time soon to write to your family. Come on,” he said to the gathered MacFingals. “We need to prepare for a celebration. Your brother is nay longer an idiot.”

Brian put his fingers under Arianna’s chin and tilted her face up to his. “Welcome to the MacFingal family, my love.”

“I think I need to warn ye about my family now.”

“Nay, I have a good idea of what faces me after meeting your cousins.”

“Callum,” she snapped, and glared in the direction her cousin had gone, “needs to have a care. I think he insulted me. Ye had best go and avenge me now.”

“Och, aye, I love avenging ye.” He picked her up in his arms and started up the stairs.

“Callum went the other way,” she said between giggles.

“I’ll see to him after I do some avenging.”

She was still laughing about that when he dropped her on the bed they had shared once. She held out her arms and welcomed him into them when he joined her on the bed. This was what she had been searching for. Laughter, love, family, and passion. For the first time in five long years Arianna knew she was home.