Chapter 35

Saturday, April 20

Holly sits at her desk and stares at the blank computer screen. She had begun to see clients every second Saturday to keep up with the crushing demand on her practice, but this morning she has only come into the office to work on her manuscript. She promised her editor in New York that she would submit a chapter of her book before the weekend. But Holly is totally uninspired. Besides, how she could write anything about the untapped power of psychedelics with all that has happened within the tribe and her own life?

Holly senses her assistant’s silent presence outside the open door. As dedicated and competent as Tanya is, she’s no poker player. And Holly can tell in a glance that something is troubling her. “What’s wrong, Tanya?”

“Um, Reese Foster, is… er… here to see you.”

Holly shuts her laptop. “I didn’t think I was seeing clients today. Especially anyone from that group.”

Tanya seems embarrassed. “And I told Reese that when she called.”

“But she came anyway?”

Tanya holds out her palms, helplessly.

“Don’t worry, Tanya.” Holly musters a smile. “Give me five minutes, and then show her in please.”

Five minutes later, Reese is seated across from Holly in one of the padded interview chairs. “Thanks for seeing me, Dr. Danvers.”

“Not to nitpick, Reese, but I didn’t actually agree to see you.”

“True.” Reese laughs. “I kind of muscled my way in, didn’t I?”

“It’s not that I didn’t want to speak to you or anyone else in the group,” Holly says. “But after all that’s happened, I thought it best if we took a collective break.”

“Of course, yes. That makes sense. I would’ve done the same, probably, in your shoes.” Reese shows an apologetic smile. “I wanted to tell you in person how sorry I am for JJ’s loss.”

Unsure how to respond, Holly simply nods.

“It’s been hard on all of us,” Reese says. “But as her therapist…”

“I must feel responsible?”

“No.” Reese shakes her head. “Not at all. I just assumed it must be very difficult to lose a client that way.”

“It is, yes. Thank you.” Even more so when it’s your second one in two weeks. “What about you? It must be very difficult to lose a friend. You and JJ were close, right?”

Reese leans forward in her chair. “Not at first. But yeah. She grew on me. JJ was silly and goofy, and I don’t think she ever did an honest day’s work in her life, but she had a pure heart. And she understood loneliness. Probably better than anyone I’d ever met. So we had two things in common.” Reese smiles sadly, then remembers herself and straightens her posture. “There’s something else I wanted to ask, Dr. Danvers.”

Holly waits in silence.

“There’s a rumor circulating among the group about JJ and Elaine.”

“Which is?”

“That you thought JJ might have been… involved in Elaine’s death.”

Holly struggles to keep her expression neutral, wondering how this could have possibly gotten back to the group. She considers her answer carefully. “All my discussions with clients are protected by privilege. As a lawyer, you must appreciate that.”

“Of course, I do. But they’re both dead. And if you believe something… nefarious happened to Elaine or JJ, then shouldn’t the rest of us know?”

“I can’t comment on this rumor. Or anything that came up during my private sessions. Client confidentiality is sacrosanct.” Holly pauses. “But I can tell you the police are investigating. I’ve already spoken to the lead detective. As far as I know, they haven’t reached any conclusions.”

Looking disappointed, Reese only nods.

“Where did you hear this rumor?” Holly asks.

“JJ. Not directly, though. Through Simon. JJ told him that you thought Elaine’s overdose could have been staged. And for some reason, JJ believed you suspected she might have been involved.”

Clearly, JJ had misinterpreted Holly’s questions about that night. And she must have been extremely distressed to have shared her worries with someone like Simon. He strikes Holly as an unlikely choice for a confidant. Did JJ’s anxiety over what she thought I knew lead her back to the bottle? And did the guilt and the alcohol conspire to convince her to jump? Or was she pushed?

“I didn’t come here to spread rumors,” Reese says.

“What does bring you here?”

“The tribe sent me. As their envoy, of sorts.”

“Why do they need an envoy?”

“To let you know that, despite what’s happened, we’re all committed to continuing with our psychedelic therapy with you.”

Holly almost does a double take. “Two out of seven dead! And the rest of you still want to continue the same treatment?”

“We don’t believe it had anything to do with the psychedelics. Or you. Not directly, anyway. We think it’s all a freakish coincidence.”

Holly can’t wrap her mind around that possibility. “Even if you don’t, others will. And as I said from the outset, our treatment isn’t mainstream. You knew it would be under the microscope. That I would be.”

“Our names are protected by therapist-client confidentiality.”

“But mine isn’t! And Simon has already gone public about his therapy with me.”

“But not the rest of us,” Reese points out. “No one outside of the tribe has to know that JJ or Elaine were in our group. That won’t get out.”

“Won’t it?” Holly waves a hand. “Look how quickly the rumor spread about JJ.”

“Only within the group, Dr. Danvers. None of us will say a word to anyone about JJ or Elaine. Or you. We promise. You don’t have to stop the ketamine.”

“We absolutely do. At least, for now.”

Reese frowns. “I thought you believed in psychedelics. Wholeheartedly. Didn’t your grandfather help pioneer the field?”

“Of course, I still believe. And so does my grandfather.”

“Oh? He’s alive?”

“Very much so. Here in Orange County. And at ninety, he’s still active and highly respected in the academic world of psychedelia.”

“Impressive.”

“He is,” Holly says without masking her pride. “But after everything that’s happened, Reese, we have to hit the pause button on the ketamine infusions.”

Reese looks Holly dead in the eyes. “We’re scared, Dr. Danvers. All of us.”

“About the risk of relapsing?”

“Yes.” Her candor is bracing. “For the first time in years, each of us has found something to control our addiction. Something that actually works. All of us believe that if we were to stop now, we’d be bound to fall off the wagon. Likely sooner than later. And that terrifies us.”

“There are other options, Reese,” Holly says gently. “Other ketamine clinics and psychedelic practitioners.”

“None like yours. None which offer ketamine intravenously.”

Holly can’t remember seeing Reese so unguarded, and she feels a pang of sympathy for the normally steadfast lawyer. “I have no choice but to put our therapy on hold for now. But I will consider what you said, Reese. And maybe, after the investigation is complete, we can discuss restarting.”

“Thank you.” Reese sighs as she rises to her feet. “Please do consider it, Dr. Danvers. We’re relying on you.”

After Reese leaves, Holly goes over their conversation in her head as if it were a court transcript. What else do members of the group know? Who else might be involved? What wasn’t said?

Then an idea hits her. One she almost dismisses out of hand, recognizing it to be beyond unethical. But Holly is desperate for answers, and the prospect is too tempting. The longer she considers it, the more she realizes there’s only one person she can turn to for guidance.

Holly grabs her bag, and hurries down to her car.

She finds her grandfather inside his crowded office, slouched in front of his computer screen. She kisses him on the forehead. “Hi, Papa.”

“Hello, Koala,” he says, but his words lack their usual warmth or enthusiasm.

“Everything OK? You don’t seem yourself.”

He waves off her concern. “What brings you by?”

“I was hoping to get your advice.”

His chin drops. “Not about the accident?”

“I wasn’t—”

“Please, Holly.” He holds up a shaky hand. “No more questions about your father. I don’t want to relive that.” His voice is as tremulous as his hand. “It’s too much.”

“No, no, Papa,” she says, feeling guilt all over again for having caused him such angst. “It has nothing to do with Dad. Or the accident. Promise.”

He musters a grateful smile. “What is it, then?”

She pulls up a chair and sits down beside him. “I lost another client…” Her voice cracks unexpectedly. “A second one from the same psychedelic group.”

He looks dumbfounded. “Another one?”

The words pour out of her as she recounts the story of JJ’s death. She describes the crippling sense of responsibility as well as her suspicions surrounding the deaths. “I can’t shake the feeling that someone in the tribe is hiding something. Something serious. Maybe more than just one of them.”

He squints at her. “You honestly believe those deaths weren’t self-inflicted?”

“I have no idea. But I have to find out.”

“Isn’t that for the police?”

“I’m not sure they’ll look hard enough. Or at least in the right places. Because they don’t even know who the rest of the tribe is. And I can’t tell them.”

“What do you intend to do?”

“I have this idea… but it’s not exactly ethical.”

He gives her a stern look. “Tell me.”

“Not sure you’ll want to hear this.”

“If it makes you feel any better, chances are I’ll forget ten minutes after you tell me.”

She laughs and settles deeper in her chair. “The only reason I know anything about JJ’s concerns regarding Elaine is because I interviewed her while she was under ketamine. And she was so forthcoming.”

Walter’s bushy eyebrows furrow. “What are you suggesting?”

“If I could just speak to other members in a similar way. Under ketamine…” Holly says sheepishly. “And, if necessary, I could always add midazolam to blur the memories.”

“Oh, Holly.” He reaches out and clutches her wrist. “You didn’t need to drive all the way here. You already know the answer.”

“Yes, but—”

“You and I, we’ve been committed to harnessing the therapeutic powers of psychedelics.” He lets go of her wrist. “But to now use them as some kind of truth serum? Nothing in the world would justify that.”

“What if it’s the only way to get to the truth?”

“The CIA used to say the same about waterboarding,” he says, shaking his head. “There is no justification.”