43. Chapter 41

Chapter 41

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17 Years Ago

I can hear a faint beeping sound, like an alarm but softer. I struggle to wake up, but everything feels so heavy, my whole body feels like it's weighed down with sand. There's something taped to my hand, but I can't force my eyes open to look at it.

What happened to my cake? I was looking forward to my first birthday cake. Dessa convinced me that I needed to celebrate a ‘birthday' each year. Weren't we making a cake?

I can hear whispered voices close by, and it takes a moment to recognize Dessa's mom and dad.

"I'm worried, Dare," I hear her mom say.

"I thought we agreed not to hold the sins of his father against him?" comes a quiet male response. I don't understand what they are talking about.

"That's not what I'm talking about, I know he isn't his dad, he is a sweet boy and I know he won't make the same choices," she responds, but her voice is getting softer. Maybe they are leaving, or I'm falling asleep again. I do feel very tired.

"Then what is it?" comes a faint question, but I don't hear the answer, sleep is already dragging me down into darkness.

I'm not sure how long I sleep for, but when I slowly hear the beeping sound again, it's louder. My body doesn't feel as heavy this time and I'm able to force my eyes open, blinking at the harsh lights above me.

"Hey Lincoln," comes a man's voice at the side of my bed. When I turn my face toward it, I see Dessa's dad.

His kind eyes soften with relief as he notices I'm awake. "You gave us quite a scare, buddy," he says, his voice gentle but filled with concern.

I try to speak, but my throat feels dry and scratchy. He quickly grabs a cup of water with a straw and holds it to my lips. I take a small sip, feeling the cool liquid soothe my throat.

"What happened?" I manage to croak out, my voice barely above a whisper.

He sets the cup down and sits back in his chair, his expression serious. "The doctors said you had a little seizure, they aren't sure what caused it, they said it could be anything. But you're going to be just fine."

My mind struggles to process his words. Seizure? I don't understand, but the worry in his eyes makes me feel scared. I try to remember what happened, but everything is a blur. My thoughts drift to Dessa, and fear grips me.

"Where's Dessa?" I ask, my voice quivering with anxiety.

He sighs deeply, his expression softening further. "Can we talk for a moment, buddy? Man to man?"

I nod slowly, my heart pounding in my chest. He leans forward.

"We found a family who would love a little boy like you. They're a good family, and they will care for you like their own. You won't want for anything ever again," he says, his eyes searching mine.

I frown, confusion and fear swirling inside me. "Do you not want me anymore? What about Dessa? I thought we were partners?" My voice is soft, and I hate that I can feel tears in my eyes. I'm meant to be a big boy; I shouldn't be crying.

"Of course we do, Lincoln. Dessa is so worried and upset that this has happened," he says, sighing again. He leans closer, his eyes filled with sadness and understanding. "We know you want to be her partner, buddy, but Hydessa isn't ready for your darkness yet, okay? Maybe someday, but not yet."

I swallow hard, blinking fast to try to see past the tears, but I can't make them go away. Why won't they go away? "Will you be a big boy for her? Just give her some time to grow up, you too. Then maybe you guys will find each other again."

I nod, even though I don't really understand. The tears keep coming, and I feel so lost and alone. "I'll try," I whisper, my voice breaking.

He reaches out and squeezes my hand. "That's all we ask, Lincoln. You're a brave boy, and we're so proud of you."

I want to ask him to tell her I love her, but I can't bring myself to voice it. I know it's silly and that I'm young, but I feel it deep inside me. I simply nod again, trying to be brave, trying to be the big boy they want me to be. But inside, all I feel is a deep, aching sadness.

I don't want to leave Dessa. I don't want to be with another family. But I don't say any of that either. I just lie there, holding onto Dessa's dad's hand while hoping that somehow, someday, everything will be okay.

I'm so scared and worried. My whole body feels jittery, like there's too much energy trapped inside me, fighting to get out. I want to hit something, to scream at how unfair everything is, to cry and curse my life, but I don't. Instead, I force myself to retreat into that safe part in my heart, the part that belongs to her, my tears slowly drying up as I wait for my new family to come for me.

At one point, Dessa's dad takes both of my hands in his to stop my fingers from tapping nervously. All I can do then is stare blankly at the wall. The beeping of the machines, the sterile smell of the hospital room, it all fades into the background as I try to hold onto the part of me that feels connected to Dessa. My shadow in the dark.

It's all I have left now, that darkness inside me that calls out to her. I won't ever let that go. Nothing else matters but keeping that connection alive. I will do that for her, until she's ready.