Chapter 31

William knew that he had to stop indulging, but he couldn't help himself. It was the only way that he could forget about her.

It had been five days since the ball, five days since he had kissed Miss Staunton, and five days since he began to wonder whether or not he regretted it. He had wanted to for so long, but now that he had he knew that he wanted more, and that he could not have it.

He felt pathetic being unable to pull himself together, but waking up with yet another headache he told himself that the best cure that he could give himself was more alcohol. Upon entering the cabinet, however, he heard someone clear their throat behind him.

"You look dreadful, William."

It was Stephen, and he looked at him with an immense amount of concern.

"Do you not have a wife to take care of?"

"Yes, a wife that is with child, but somehow you are more in need than she is, to the point that she basically begged me to come and see you."

"My God, am I truly that useless?"

"At the moment, yes, but I am here to help you."

"There is nothing that you could possibly do to help me. This is all I am any good for now, and so I shall continue with what I am good at."

"You are going to come and stay with me for the night, and then tomorrow you and I are going to speak with Luke about what we are going to do."

"There is nothing that we can do. It is over, Stephen."

"It is never over. If you are not happy, we will find a way to fix it. You are not alone, and so you need to stop pretending that you are."

"But I am," he sighed, "You have wives and children. I am of no consequence to you."

"No, we have wives that care about you just as much as we do. Are you aware that Luke's little ones have been asking after you since you left? Can you imagine how difficult it has been for them? They do not understand that you had to be somewhere, they only know that their father's friend has disappeared and they didn't know where he had gone."

"But I-"

"No. I am not going to listen to this any longer. You are always the first person to tell others to handle their issues, and so I will be that person for you. Get in my carriage now. You are going to eat something substantial, because God knows how long it has been since you did that, and then you are going to sleep until you are ready to speak."

William did not have it in him to argue, and so he simply followed Stephen to the carriage and boarded it.

He adored Stephen's house and how small it was compared to his own. It was a comfort, almost, and if there was one thing he needed at that moment it was exactly that.

"Oh, William," Lily said gently, approaching him, "We have a meal for you in the dining room. We will join you. We are calling it an early lunch."

"I am not hungry."

"And I am not going to take no for an answer. Come along."

He did not argue.

The toast was burned, but he knew exactly why that was. Charcoal soaked up alcohol. He did not want to ask for the confirmation, however; he did not wish to hear from his friends that he was a good for nothing drunk. He ate it quickly without tasting it, and then he was presented with a much better meal, one matching the quality of his friends'.

As he started eating, he realized just how hungry he was. It had not been on his mind to eat anything, and so the only thing that he had been consuming was his alcohol. Now that he had gone more than a few hours without his vice, he was realizing just how much he had been drinking, and he was ashamed of himself.

After the meal, it was time for him to sleep. Lily showed him to his room, and he fell asleep the second his head hit the pillow. He did not dream of anything, and when he awoke it was the evening. He could still hear the hum of life downstairs, and so he went to join them. However, he only found Lily, and she was playing piano and humming to herself.

"Stephen has gone to bed," she smiled, "But if you would like to talk, I am here."

"I… I do not know what to do."

"Nobody ever does," she shrugged, "But you will find a way. You always do."

"Not this time. There is nothing that I can do."

"William, this is as clear as your mind will have been in days. You must give yourself some time before being so conclusive about everything."

"I have had months to think about all of this, years even. I am not the sort of man that can love, nor the sort that can be loved. It is how I am, and there is no changing that."

"Stephen thought that."

"Stephen thought wrong."

"Yet you seem to think that you are right. Why is that?"

"Because I most often am."

"When you are talking about others, to be sure, but not about yourself. I remember last year when you said that you had no interest in love, and that you never would, but I saw how you looked at Miss Staunton. It is quite clear to anyone that looks at you that you are in love, and I can only hope that you told her in time, though given your current condition I do not believe that is the case."

"Then you are wrong, because I did tell her. She knows how I feel about her."

"And..?"

"And she feels the same way."

"Then what is the problem?"

"The problem is that she deserves so much more than me! I ruined her plans, and I ruined my own, all because I just had to fall in love. I hate it. I hate that she so easily made me question everything that I have ever known, only to run off with another. It isn't fair, yet it is because I pushed her to do so. I have nobody to blame for this but myself, and that is what is unfair. I have always known what to do, and I have always planned for every outcome, and she came along and ruined that and now- and now I do not know what to do and it is frightening."

"You know," Lily said thoughtfully, "I used to hate being frightened. It was the one thing in the world that I couldn't stand to feel, but it isn't anymore. When I am frightened, it tells me that change is coming, and that I will be facing new challenges and coming out of it even stronger. It is only a good thing."

"Are you frightened now?" He asked, "Stephen told me that you are with child."

"Of course it is frightening. I know the risks that come with it all, but also I am frightened of how he and I will navigate it. I know that children change marriages, no matter how wonderful said marriages are. I know that they bring challenges and trials, but I know that I can face them. I know that, no matter what, I have a husband that loves me and so everything else will fall into place. It has to, because I love him too."

"I wish it were that simple."

"It is," she nodded, "I promise you that it is. It might be scary, especially for you, given how much you love to plan everything, but it is that same spontaneity that makes everything even more wonderful. If you knew everything that was going to happen every day for the rest of your life, you would grow tired of it."

"I disagree."

"Do you? Do you honestly mean to say that, no matter how happy you were before you left for Bolton, you didn't feel as though there was more out there for you? Did you truly go through the motions each day, motions that you meticulously planned, and feel completely and utterly fulfilled?"

"I was as happy as I deserve to be. I cannot ask for more than that."

"Why not? What did you do that was so terrible that you deserve a lifetime of misery? Not a single person that you know agrees with you, yet you think you are right."

"Because it is all I was ever told. I was never told that I deserved love and affection."

"Nor was I," she said gently, "My mother and father never ceased to tell me how little I deserved, all while telling my sister how brilliant she was and how she deserved the world. In the end, though, I was the one that fell madly in love with a duke, and had him love me in return. It does not matter how many times you are told you do not deserve love. If even one person tells you that you are deserving, and they prove it with their actions, then that is undeniable proof that you do."

"But how do you know?"

"In all honesty, you do not. There is no way to be sure, not for a while at least, but I promise you that somewhere along the way you start to believe it."

"And do you?"

"Of course. I would not have married him if I did not. It isn't that I knew it unequivocally and never once questioned it, but my heart told me that it was the truth and so I am deciding to believe it. Besides, Stephen has never given me any reason to believe he doesn't love me, so why would I doubt it?"

He thought about that when he retired to bed. Miss Staunton had never given him any reason to doubt her intentions beyond what he had incorrectly assumed of her. There was no doubt about it, she loved him.

If only that were the only issue.

He struggled to sleep, and eventually morning came and he was confronted by both dukes. He didn't know what they were going to say, and frankly he did not know what they could say. There was nothing that anyone could say or do to change things, he was sure of it.

"So," Luke began, "Before I begin I must inform you that this is what you need to hear, and I am not going to speak to you as though you are some injured animal. You need to hear this. It is time to be a man."

"I am going to be a man," he groaned.

"Will, the wedding is tomorrow."

"And I am going to be a man and get through the day, and once she is married I shall have no choice but to forget all about her. It is perfectly fine."

"What I do not understand," Stephen said, "Is that this young lady has managed to bring you out of your shell. She is the one lady that has ever managed to do that."

"Indeed."

"So why are you letting her go?"

"Because I do not have a choice."

"God, how old are you?" Luke snapped, "You are a duke, but one would think you were a schoolboy with your attitude. None of it is your fault, there is nothing you can do, you have to do things because you are told to. Here is a question for you. Why do you care what they think? When have you ever cared about what anyone thinks about you?"

"That isn't what is holding me back. It is Miss Staunton. I want her to be happy, and if I want that then I have to leave her be. The less involvement that I have in her life the better, and so I must remove myself entirely."

"And how do you know that your absence will bring her any happiness whatsoever? Who are you to tell her what she does and does not want?"

"The fact that she is marrying another tells me that she has found her happiness."

"Ah yes, the arranged marriage. There is nothing in the world that brings as much joy as that."

"You do not understand."

"No, you do not understand. You say that you are only thinking of her happiness, but how can you be sure that she will be happy with a man that she does not love?"

"How can I be sure of the opposite?"

"I have an idea," Stephen said quietly, though he commanded their attention, "We have been invited to the wedding. The viscount wanted those with high status to attend, no doubt to make connections. I suggest we attend."

"And watch the lady I love marry another?"

"What difference does it make if you are not going to have her regardless? We will go to the wedding, and you can see for yourself whether or not she is happy to be there. If she is, then we shall never mention it again, and bygones shall be bygones, and you can resume your status as the most fearsome duke in England."

"And if she is not?"

"Then the ball is in your court, so to speak. You can act in accordance with how you feel, but it will not come to that, will it? After all, you are quite adamant that this is what she wants, are you not?"

"Yes, of course."

"Good, then the matter is settled. Be ready to leave in the morning."

William was not ready for it, and he was quite sure that he never would be, but he knew that Stephen was right. He had to know for sure whether or not this was what Miss Staunton truly wanted. He hoped that he would be able to tell, and that if she would not he would know what to do to fix it.

He only wanted her happiness, and he would ensure it at any cost.

Morning came, which could only mean one thing: it was time to find out the truth. He readied himself tentatively, wondering what she would do, or say, and what he would want her to decide. He didn't know which would be more painful, her happiness or her simple resignation to her life. He wanted her to be happy whether or not she was with him, but he was not a fool.

He knew what he wanted her to decide.