Chapter 20

CHAPTER TWENTY

S he had not gone for supper last night, and she had refused to rise that morning to bid Edan farewell. She just could not face it. There had been a time, as the dawn broke, that Caitlyn had wondered if she was doing the right thing, or if there might be another way around this. But no matter how much she thought about it, she resigned herself to what she already knew was the truth. Edan leaving was the right thing to do.

Of course, it didn't feel right. The huge hole in her entire being didn't feel right either. In all her years, she had never felt such a sense of loss, a sense of despair, a sense of emptiness. Lying in her bed, the tears had poured down her cheeks, and the sobs had wrenched from her body. It felt like a death, and, in some ways, it was.

It was a death of a future she had imagined would be filled with joy and happiness. The death of a love that had barely begun to sprout its first leaves of life. The feeling was so overwhelming, so incapacitating, there seemed to be no words to describe it. But feel it, she did.

Afterwards, a numbness overtook her, and for hours, Caitlyn lay there, simply staring at the wall. If she blinked, she didn't notice. Nor did she care. There was no reason to care about anything any longer.

Helen had come to her earlier, but she had sent the maid away. She was still staring at the wall when Effie appeared in front of her. Her presence took her by surprise, for she had not even heard her bedchamber door opening. Her sister gazed down at Caitlyn for a long moment, and then, turning behind her, she pulled a stool across the room and set it beside the bed.

Lowering herself onto it, she took Caitlyn's hand in hers, and said, "Why did ye send Edan away?"

Caitlynn frowned and gazed at her sister in confusion. "It is what ye wanted," she whispered.

Effie looked at Caitlyn sadly. "I wanted tae ken if ye would dae it, Caitlyn. But when ye couldnae answer me, and when I saw the anguish on yer face at me question, it became glaringly obvious how much ye were in love with him."

Caitlyn was still a little confused. "I dae love him. With all o' me heart. But I cannae hurt ye like that."

"I was very angry yesterday. It took me some time tae calm down. But when I did, I realized that I was wrong tae ask ye that. I had a long conversation with Maither, and she helped me tae see the situation far more clearly."

"What are ye saying?" Caitlyn said, now pushing herself up in the bed.

"I'm saying that ye shouldnae sacrifice yer happiness fer the sake o' someone else's, Caitlyn. Even mine."

"But, Effie?—"

Effie raised a hand to stop her.

"I'm nae saying it will be easy. In fact, I'll probably feel despair for some time. It will be hard for me tae see ye together, and aye, perhaps I'll always feel a sense of being betrayed, in a way. But nor could I live with mesel' if I was the sole reason fer yer unhappiness. I mean, look at ye. Ye look awful. And far more devastated than I."

Caitlyn heard a laugh coming out of her mouth, before she shook her head. "I cannae dae that tae ye."

"Listen tae me, sister. Feelings cannae be controlled. I might be hurt, but I dinnae want tae stand in yer way. I love ye, ye ken. Ye have tae follow yer heart."

Caitlyn could hardly believe what she was hearing, and as scared as she was to feel it, a small flame of hope flickered in her heart.

"Ye would dae that fer me?" Caitlyn gasped.

Effie stood and moved toward the bed. Wrapping her arms around Caitlyn, she hugged her tightly. "Ye are me sister, Caitlyn. I would dae anything fer ye."

Caitlyn grabbed Effie and hugged her back, her arms crushing her body like it was the last embrace they would ever share. The two remained in their embrace for quite some time, until eventually, Effie released her grip and sat back on the chair behind her.

"Ye should send Edan a missive immediately, and tell him tae come right back," Effie said firmly.

"How long has he been gone?" Caitlyn said.

"He and Darach left at dawn. Faither told me he bid him and Maither farewell last night, and told them he would be leaving quietly and without a fuss. When we all rose this morning, he had done just that."

Effie stood from the chair. "Now," she turned and pointed to Caitlyn's writing desk, "wash yer face, freshen yersel' up, and write him that missive."

She turned to go, but Caitlyn quickly called her back.

Effie looked at her questioningly.

"Thank ye," Caitlyn said softly. "Thank ye fer being so kind and wonderful."

Effie smiled, though it was tinged with sadness. "What are sisters fer?" She then turned and left the bedchamber, closing the door quietly behind her.

In the silence of the room, Caitlyn took a minute to gather herself. Never in all her life, could she have imagined Effie would have given her such hope, and now, with her sister's blessing, she and Edan could be together after all. She was still reeling when she pushed herself out of bed with excitement bubbling through her body.

She washed her hands and face, and then moved to the writing desk, but as she sat with pen poised over parchment, a thought sprung into her mind.

I dinnae want tae write him. I want tae see him. I have tae see him.

Dropping the pen back into the ink pot, she hurriedly moved to the window and pulled the partly opened drapes back fully. Light streamed into her chamber. The sky was clear, the storm had passed, and by the brightness of the light, Caitlyn knew there were still many hours of daylight left.

It will take longer than one day, but I can stay in a tavern along the way.

With her decision made, and an excited wanting in her heart, Caitlyn hurried around her bedchamber and dressed in clothes to travel. She determined, as she dressed, that she would tell no one she was leaving. No doubt, Kieran, or her father and mother, would make a great fuss and try and dissuade her. But they did not understand the aching need in her heart. She needed to see Edan and she could not let anyone stop her from doing so.

The heavy cloak she wore floated out behind her as she swiftly moved down the corridor. Avoiding the main areas of the castle, Caitlyn slipped into one of the many hidden tunnels that would bring her out into the courtyard. It was as she travelled with her head ducked low, that she remembered Edan's first visit. This was one of the very tunnels she had taken him and Darach into.

She smiled to herself, thinking how very strange it was that, after all these years of barely being near them, she was now using it to find him again.

The courtyard was a mess with broken branches and much debris spread across the cobblestones. The storm had certainly caused a lot of damage. Pulling her hood over her head, she dashed past those sweeping the ground and clearing the destruction.

Upon reaching the stables, she caught sight of a stable hand.

"I need me horse readied," she said.

The young lad looked a little confused. "Me lady?" he said.

"Quickly, please."

"Aye, me lady," he said, hurriedly spinning on his heels and running into the stable.

A little while later, he walked her mare out, saddled and ready. Using a box the stable hand placed beside her, she mounted the horse and then looked down at him.

"I need ye tae take a message tae me faither and Kieran. Tell them I have gone after Laird MacLachlan. I will return as soon as I can."

"Aye, me lady."

"But dinnae tell them yet. Wait a while. Dae ye understand me?"

The boy nodded.

"Wait fer two hours, and then tell them."

Again, the boy frowned, but this time, he didn't say anything and only nodded.

At the gate, Caitlyn lied and told the guards she was taking a small canter around the castle walls, and she would not be going far. Given the fact that tensions were so high after Edan had been struck with that arrow, she imagined Kieran had instructed the guards not to let anyone in and out of the castle without good reason.

Even as they let her through, she knew she was taking a huge risk. She was acting childish and foolish. MacTavish's men could very well, at that moment, be readying themselves to attack the castle again. But the desire to see Edan was too strong. Her heart overrode her rational thought and told her that she had to see him. She had to tell him face to face that they were to have their happy future after all. She had to feel his arms wrap around her in that safe, comforting embrace, that always made her feel whole.

As she pushed her mare on, the wind tugging at her hair, with her cloak flying behind her, she could feel the excitement and anticipation building in her. She imagined Edan's delight at her news. She could see his beaming face gazing down at her adoringly.

Indeed, it was not going to be smooth sailing, for as Effie had so clearly stated, she would struggle to deal with seeing them together. But Caitlyn had already come to a solution. Just because she and Edan where together, did not mean they needed to flaunt their happiness in Effie's face. They could, at least at the beginning, control their affections in her presence. Surely, after Effie's sacrifice, it was the least they could do.

There would be plenty of times they could laugh and frolic together in each other's love. But out of consideration for her older sister, it would be times when they were alone, or out of her sight. Time would make things easier, Caitlyn was sure, but nor was she in any hurry to hurt her sister. Besides, they were both still young. She and Edan had all the time in the world.

After traveling for an hour, Caitlyn stopped to rest her mare. A small stream situated beside a gathering of trees bubbled over stones, sending a soft relaxing sound as it carved its journey through the earth. The beautiful beast Caitlyn had ridden bent her head and drank the clear, cold water, while Caitlyn bent beside her and refreshed herself at the same time. Just as she was pressing her hands on her gown to dry them, an eerie feeling came over her, and she spun her head around to look into the trees beside them.

Taking a long look, she narrowed her eyes, scanning for any movement that ought not to be there, but no matter how hard she tried, she could not see anything untoward. Still feeling a little wary, Caitlyn took the reins and pulled the horse a little away from the stream. Nearing a large boulder, she planned to use to get back onto the horse, she readied herself to mount, when, from the corner of her eye, she saw a rapid movement.

Spinning around once more, she no longer needed to search, for a large group of men came flying toward her.

"Och, God," she cried, hurriedly trying to slip her foot into the stirrup. But in her panic, her foot caught in her gown, and flustering to free it, she struggled, lost her balance, and toppled from the boulder.

Hardly having a chance to right herself, the men were upon her in seconds, and suddenly, both her arms were grabbed roughly and painfully, holding her in place. A second later, her stomach plummeted, and an overwhelming feeling of sickness and dread swiftly followed, for as the men turned and parted, her eyes fell upon Laird Brendan MacTavish storming towards her with a face like thunder.

Closing the gap, he came to a halt before her, glowering down at her in obvious fury. "Ye have caused me nae end o' trouble wench," he spat. "More than that, ye killed one o' me best men. Ye'll pay fer that."

Caitlyn hardly had a chance to open her mouth and speak before she saw his arm lifting. There was something held in his hand, but she could not make out what it was. Swinging widely, he brought his fist against the side of her head, and immediately after the searing pain pierced her temple, Caitlyn's legs collapsed beneath her, and the world went black.