Chapter 19

CHAPTER NINETEEN

T he horses' hooves thundered across the soft undergrowth. Edan pushed his strong beast back toward the castle as the wild, turbulent wind tugged at his plaid. As he had predicted, the storm had arrived, though a little earlier than he had imagined. Thunder and lightning had already spooked his horse, and by the looks of the dark clouds above, rain was bound to burst from the heavens at any moment.

After speaking to Effie, he had needed some time on his own. The heavy guilt had swallowed him whole at the pain he had caused her, and a vigorous ride seemed like a good idea at the time. It was not just guilt he felt. There was anger too. Anger and frustration at the position he found himself in.

He had allowed this whole mess to fly out of control, which was entirely out of character. Edan was a man who maintained his environment at all times. Had he not proven that with how he had treated Caitlyn over the years? To protect himself and his heart, he had kept her at arm's length. He had even pretended to enjoy the misery he had put her through, just to keep himself safe.

And yet, his love refused to be contained. Darach had put it more succinctly than Edan ever could.

" Ye've spent yer whole adult life ignoring yer heart. Sooner or later, it was going tae fight back."

And fight back, it had. The desires of his heart had grown stronger over time, finally overcoming Edan entirely. He had lost control of his feelings and emotions, and, for the most part, it had felt good. But not today. He had hurt Effie immensely, and in hurting her, he had also hurt Caitlyn. The sisters had always been close, and knowing them since children, Edan was well aware of the love they shared.

In the process of trying to let Effie down gently, he had also managed to override Caitlyn's wishes. She had been adamant that she wanted to speak to her sister on her own terms, which Edan had felt was entirely reasonable. But somehow, the discussion had got away from him, and Effie had come to her own conclusions. Clearly, she had had her suspicions already, or the suggestion would never have been aired. Caitlyn was not going to be pleased, and thus, Edan had yet another difficult conversation ahead.

Inside the castle courtyard, mayhem ensued as men, women, and children hurried about the cobblestones, securing items the wind was determined to destroy. Carts, baskets, and barrels were all victims of the storm's wild arrival, and as those who dwelled within the castle grounds yelled to each other to make themselves heard over the howling wind, Edan carefully led his horse through the pathway of mayhem to get to the stables.

"Make certain ye batten these stable doors down tight," Edan yelled at the stable hand.

"Aye, me laird," the stable hand yelled back.

With his beast secured, he hurried inside the castle. While the ride had given him some time to let off steam, it had not changed anything. His hurry had little to do with what had occurred. Indeed, there were more conversations to be had, but more than that, with the battering shutters now clattering against the stone castle walls, Caitlyn would be somewhere in the castle feeling utterly terrified. He only hoped she wasn't alone.

Hurrying his pace, he checked drawing rooms, the great hall, the library, and even her bedchamber, but she was nowhere to be found. He was running down another corridor when he saw Milly rushing toward him with her hands full of blankets.

"Have ye seen Caitlyn?' Edan asked worriedly.

The maid shook her head. "I havenae, me laird. Perhaps she is in the library."

"She's nae. I checked. When is the last time ye saw her?"

"Och, it was a good hour or so ago, me laird. She was in the garden, but I cannae imagine she'll be there now with that storm outside."

Edan nodded and let the maid hurry on with her duties. He stood in the corridor for a long moment, wondering where the devil she could be. Unsure what to do, he retraced his steps back to the great hall. There was a flurry of activity in there too, and Edan spotted Kieran talking to a guard at the far end of the room.

"Have ye seen Caitlyn?" he said, once he had reached him.

"I was showing her the maps earlier," Kieran said, his face a little grave. "But then Effie came bursting in. She was clearly upset, and wished tae speak tae her sister alone."

"Damn it," Edan spat.

Kieran frowned. "What's happened?"

With a heavy sigh, Edan quickly gave Kieran a recap of his conversations, starting with Conor and telling the laird he was breaking off the betrothal, and then his meeting with Effie and what had resulted from that.

Kieran nodded knowingly. "That explains Effie's highly unusual behavior. I dinnae think I've ever seen her so upset or angry. Try the map room. It's on the top level o' the castle on the back east corner. Caitlyn might still be there."

"Thank ye," Edan said, about to turn away.

"I'd help ye look fer her, but me hands are tied with securing the castle."

"Dinnae worry and thank ye." He then turned on his heels and swiftly left the huge room.

Finding the map room took him a little longer than he would have liked. Having never ventured up there, he had no clue where the stairs to the upper floor where, but after directions from a maid, and once on the highest level, Edan ran down the corridor, finally reaching the only room Kieran could have meant.

He burst through the door, expecting to see Caitlyn, for he could not imagine where else she might be, but the room was empty. It was not a particularly big room. It was also rather cold, given the fire in the hearth was not lit. A map lay across the large table in the middle, and to his left, stood a bench, pressed tightly against the wall.

Ahead of him on the far wall, the rolled ends of maps peeked out of deep boxes that lined the wall from floor to ceiling, similar to a bookshelf. The cubby holes each had labels above, clearly naming the areas the maps covered. Other than a desk and chair in the corner, and the items he had already noted, there was no other furniture in the room.

Where the devil is she?

Still holding the door handle, Edan turned to leave, when he heard the tiniest whimper. Spinning back into the room, his eyes roved about. "Caitlyn?"

There was silence again, but Edan was certain he had heard something, and closing the door behind him, he stepped across the stone floor and rounded the table.

"Caitlyn!" he gasped, rushing toward her.

The table had blocked his view, and now, his heart broke at the sight of her, for the woman he loved was curled up into a ball and tucked into the corner. Her whole body was shaking, though she made no sound.

Crouching to reach her, he scooped her up in his arms, feeling the coldness of her skin against his own. "What are ye doing up here all by yersel'?" he said soothingly.

She didn't answer as he carried her to the settle, and lowering himself down, he held her tightly, trying to warm her as she remained on his lap. Rubbing her forearms briskly to generate heat, he pulled her tightly into him, wrapping her up in his plaid. He held her there for some time, rocking her gently. Every now and then, he would hear her sniffling. Clearly, she had been crying, but whether that had to do with the storm or her conversation with Effie, he could not yet know.

Eventually, the shaking stopped, and she seemed to calm in his arms. Only jerking a little when loud claps of thunder pierced into the room.

"I'm so sorry, Caitlyn," Edan said, when he felt she was able to hear him. "I didnae mean fer it tae happen this way."

"Ye told her," Caitlyn said quietly, her head still buried into his chest.

"Actually, Effie asked. When I didnae answer, she reached her own conclusions."

Caitlyn nodded her head, as though that made sense. A moment later, she unfurled her body and lifted her face to look at him.

"She was so devastated, Edan," she croaked sadly. "Never in me life have I seen me sister so upset."

"I ken, me love." Edan nodded.

"Her words crushed me, and I feel like I have destroyed her. I kent I would, but I didnae realize how awful it would make me feel."

"The guilt has overwhelmed me too, Caitlyn. I would never want tae hurt ye or yer sister."

"And yet, we have. And deeply. ‘Tis the reason I've come tae a decision."

Edan felt a huge weight pressing down on his heart, for he knew what she was going to say before she had a chance to say it.

"We cannae be together, Edan," she said sadly. "I ken I said we could, but I just cannae dae it. I cannae live with mesel' kenning I've caused Effie such heart ache."

Edan nodded. He didn't agree with her decision, but nor did he have it in him to argue. It was clear, Caitlyn had her mind made up.

"We would never be truly happy. I'd blame mysel' every day fer hurting her. We'd never have peace o' it." Caitlyn straightened herself on his lap. "I asked Effie what I could dae tae make it right, and dae ye ken what she said?"

Edan shook his head.

"She wanted tae ken if I would send ye away." Caitlyn heaved a sigh. "I couldnae answer her. I couldnae bear the thought o' never seeing ye again. But then, I saw how heartbroken she was, and I realized she hated us for ruining her future. I can find a way tae live, even while hating mesel' for what I've done. But I cannae live in a world where I grow tae hate our love. It's the purest thing that has ever happened tae me."

"Ye want me tae leave?" Edan said carefully.

He tried to keep his voice as steady as he could, even as his heart broke into a million pieces at Caitlyn's words. After all they had endured, after saving her from MacTavish, after lowering his defenses and allowing himself to love her, he was going to lose everything he had gained, and more.

"I cannae marry ye, Edan. Nae now. I'm so sorry," she whimpered.

He nodded sadly. "All right, Caitlyn."

Lifting her chin, he tenderly brushed her lips with his, the softest of kisses in their sorrow. But that one touch was all he needed to spark everything he felt for her. If he had to leave, he needed to feel her body against his for one last time.

Prizing her mouth open, he slipped his tongue inside her sweet, soft mouth. Caitlyn tightened her arms around his neck and pulled herself into him, kissing him back, their hunger for each other growing every second.

Moving in his lap, she positioned her legs on either side of his, straddling his thighs. He moved his hands down her throat, tracing a line across the soft flesh of her bosom, and tugged at the ties of her corset. Discarding it, he then tugged at the ties of her dress, all the while still kissing her, his tongue desperate to capture the memory of her sweetness.

Caitlyn kissed him back, at the same time, pulling her arms from her dress. Edan shoved the thin cloth down to her waist, and only then, did his lips pull away from hers. She gasped as her nipples hardened under the soft caress of his thumbs. His hands molded around the soft, warm flesh, his arousal throbbing between his legs by the second.

Dropping his head, he flicked his tongue over one nipple, and then the next.

"Ah," she breathed, dropping her head back and pushing her bosoms further into his mouth.

"I love ye, Caitlyn. I will always love ye," Edan whispered against her flesh.

Tugging her skirts up about her waist, he slipped his hand down the front of her body, groaning when he reached the soft moistness of her arousal.

"Och, Edan," she gasped.

"Ye're ready fer me as always, me love," he said, moving his fingers gently over the tiny nub of her arousal. He flicked them back and forth as she writhed above him, pushing herself up and down with her thighs, moving in time with his motion.

His tongue still worked at her nipple, while his fingers pleasured her, and by the strength of her grip on his shoulders and the tremor of her body, he could feel she was close.

"Come fer me, Caitlyn," he growled.

"Och, God," she cried, her body tensing and shaking with her rising euphoria. "Och, God."

And then, it happened. Her entire body seized, she cried out in ecstasy, and a long, low moan left her lips as her body shook.

Swiftly adjusting his clothes, Edan grabbed his throbbing shaft and guided himself into her, growling at the pleasure he felt as her soft, tight, wetness surrounded him. Caitlyn moved automatically with him, knowing what her body wanted, knowing what he wanted, and as she moved down onto him, he thrust up into her.

"Caitlyn" he groaned, thrusting deeply into her, over and over again.

He wanted to lose himself in this woman. He would never have this time with her again, and he wanted to remember every single sensation that travelled across his body in that moment. The ache in his heart, the thump against his ribcage, the throbbing of his arousal, her tightness squeezing him as she rose again, and the soft scent of her beading skin. He wanted to remember all of it. He wanted to carry it with him for all the years he would not spend with her. All the days he would suffer without her.

But even in his desperation to keep his grasp upon her, he could not hold on any longer, and as Caitlyn pulsed around him, her soft cry leaving her lips, Edan gave his finals thrusts and exploded inside of her. His roar of pleasure nearly choked him, as the emotion of knowing he was going to have to leave her, rushed through his very being and overwhelmed him. For fear she would see his broken expression, he pulled her into his body and held her there.

A little while later, she lay in his arms as he stroked her hair. The storm still raged outside, but neither of them seemed to notice.

"Are ye sure this is what ye want?" Edan murmured. He had not made love to her to dissuade her from her original decision, but one could only hope.

She didn't answer for a long time, and then, gazing at him with the saddest expression he had ever seen, she nodded.

"It has tae be," she whispered, the emotion catching in her throat. "I love ye now, as I will always love ye, but this doesnae change how things are." Her eyes welled with tears, until they spilled down onto her cheeks.

Edan struggled to control his own emotion, and for fear of her seeing, he once again pulled her into him, pressing her head against his chest.

"Darach and I will leave on the morrow when the storm has passed," he croaked.