Chapter 14

Every other night, they come to steal me away.

We ride through the darkness, always looking over our shoulders. It’s never the same place twice, either. There”s a BB here, a five-star hotel there, a private villa, and a hidden cottage in the southern hills of California. We never stay put for long; they always bring me back at first light. It’s tiring, to be honest, but I relish every minute that I get to spend with them.

We never talk about the club or its affairs. They get prickly whenever I bring up Colton’s name, which angers them to levels I’ve never seen before. Orion, Kai, and Drake are three of the most self-controlled men I have ever met, yet where Colton is concerned, it’s becoming increasingly difficult for them to keep it together.

The rage that burns in their eyes, the sheer hatred I see there scares me sometimes. It reminds me that they’re not just my lovers—they’re the leaders of one of the most dangerous motorcycle clubs on this side of the continent.

Sure, they’re trying actively to move into more legitimate fields of business, but they’re hard-core and cold-blooded by nature. Only I see their softer, loving sides. Everyone else shivers in their presence. Grown men avert their eyes when my men walk into the room. Hell, I see the looks they get in traffic when I’m riding with them—especially late at night.

They have killed their share of insurgents during their time in the military; I know that much. Paddy let slip that they had to hurt people when they took over the club, as well. It’s hard for me to reconcile these two different aspects of their lives when I only have my rose-colored lens to see them through.

But the truth is, ours is a risky affair.

At first, my only fear was that my father might find out. Now, I’m more worried about Colton finding out. It would put me in grave danger. Me and this child I’m carrying, this child that no one except my OB-GYN knows about.

Work is steady and calm, at least. Each morning, I go in and get the bar and the coffee machine ready. I load the displays with freshly baked pastries and fill the decorative bowls with fruits from the market down the road. People come in, and I serve them. We exchange a few pleasantries, and then they go on with their lives. I’m still here at the end of the day, my nerves jittery as my pregnancy progresses. So far, so good. But I cannot keep this secret for much longer, and it’s doing a number on my temperament, as well.

One cool evening, I’m waiting outside the agreed-upon meeting place, sipping my boba tea and snuggling deeper into my hoodie. The quiet is interrupted by the sound of Harleys approaching.

I’d kill for a glass of something stronger at this hour, but I’m keeping this temple clean for the baby. I thought I’d be able to handle this whole sneaking around thing, but deep down, it hurts me that we can only meet like this.

Finally, the Harleys come in from the northern side of Anaheim, engines rumbling furiously as they pull into the gas station. Orion, Kai, and Drake look ridiculously handsome in their jeans and leather jackets, with full face helmets and steel-toed boots that could easily crush a man’s head with a simple kick.

It seems they’re always ready for war. Their guns are holstered and strapped to their torsos, only visible when they open their jackets.

“Hey, baby,” Orion greets me with a smile as he takes his helmet off.

Cautiously, I approach his bike, and he hands me my passenger helmet. “Hey,” I manage. Maybe it’s the pregnancy hormones that are doing a number on my moods as of late, but I feel a bit on edge. “Picked a new spot to meet, I see.”

“It’s closer to the Interstate,” Orion says, then looks at me worriedly. “What’s up?”

“Nothing.”

“It’s never nothing when you say nothing,” Kai replies, flipping the front of his helmet open.

I let a heavy sigh roll out of my chest, prompting Drake to dry chuckle. “She’s pouting now. Nadia, what’s going on with you?”

“This!” I snap as I motion around me. “This whole sneaking around. I hate it. It’s exhausting.”

They exchange glances, their eyes darkening as they shift their focus back to me. It only serves to amplify this slow-building anxiety that I’ve been dealing with over the past couple of weeks. At first, I missed them; I couldn’t wait to see them. I was miserable without them.

Now, I’m miserable because I can’t have any true peace with them. Either way, it doesn’t work. It hurts, and my inability to come forward about my pregnancy makes everything sting ten times worse.

“Nadia, I thought we agreed that this was how it’s going to be until the waters clear,” Orion says, carefully choosing his words. “We can’t risk anyone finding out about us.”

“And when it’s all over? When Colton goes away? What, then? Do we go public?” I shoot back.

The looks on their faces tell me that’s not an option. It never was, and I never should’ve considered it. A relationship like ours would be subject to heartless scrutiny in any circumstance, with or without the threat of the Black Devils hanging over our heads.

“Why don’t we take it one step at a time?” Orion suggests. “Enjoy the now while we have it. And when everything is finally over with Colton, and we’re in the clear, well, we’ll handle that when it gets here.”

“Spoken like someone who can’t commit,” I scoff, crossing my arms. “I thought men matured more with age, and the three of you are way farther ahead in life than me, yet I’m the one—ugh, you know what, never mind.”

Kai curses under his breath. “What do you expect us to do, Nadia? Colton’s riding around, hitting our businesses, making threats, forcing our club members and associates off the road. He shot up a fucking laundromat the other day. The people we work with are terrified. They want nothing to do with us. And then there’s you. Your father would go ballistic if he ever learned about us. Imagine what he’s going to say or how he’s going to react if Colton gets wind of you, of who you are and what you mean to us.”

“Am I ever going to be your old lady? Or is that reserved for monogamous relationships only?” I reply and take a couple of steps back.

Orion notices my hesitation to put on my helmet. His brows furrow. “This really isn’t the right time to talk about commitment, Nadia.”

“Will there ever be a right time?”

“Right now, we’re trying to keep you safe,” he insists. “Why do you need to make it harder on us by discussing probabilities when we don’t even know how next week is going to turn out?”

“Oh, is that what I am, Orry? A probability?” I snap.

Deep down, I’m well aware that they’re doing the best they can with this wretched situation. But I can’t neglect my own emotions or discomfort anymore. This hurts on too many levels, and the lack of relationship security makes me nervous, especially with a child on the way.

I’m angry with myself, too, because I can’t tell them. I should. I have to. But I can’t bring myself to do it. Every day, I have a pep talk with my reflection in the mirror, practicing my lines as though I’m about to go on stage. Yet when I come face to face with these men, I lose all sense and end up frustrated.

Orion gets off his bike, his shoulders wide and heavy with irritation. “Dammit, Nadia, you know damn well that’s not the issue!”

“What I do know is that this is more than likely going to go on forever!” I reply, tears stinging my eyes. “It’s always going to be something or someone, another hurdle that keeps us from being together. And by the way, will we ever be able to be together, the four of us? How would it work? What about a family? Getting married, you know, the usual relationship stuff.”

He stills, giving me a troubled look. “Is that what this is about? Nadia, this really isn’t the best time to discuss such things.”

“Well, then hit me up when it is a good time,” I say and toss the helmet back to him.

He catches it with a muffled grunt as I walk away, headed straight for my car. I parked it across the road, and I’m anxious to get behind the wheel and drive off so I can find a place in the dark where I can just cry my heart out.

It’s about the baby. I know it. The idea of having a baby, of not knowing who the father is or how they’re going to come through for me—if they’re going to come through for me—the thought of doing this on my own, regardless of the reason. The fear of losing them if Colton Harrow gets aggressive enough to the point where my men have to draw their weapons. A stray bullet. A well-intended bullet. It could end in a second.

My life. Theirs. This future I’ve been wondering about in my head.

I breathe deeply as I realize that they have no intention of following me to my car. They simply stand there and watch me cross the road. I give them one last glance before getting behind the wheel and driving off with a dramatic screech of the tires. It’s not until I reach the gates of my father’s estate that I finally pull over and let it all out.

In the darkness of the night, just out of the motion sensors’ reach, I cry and shudder, letting go of everything that I’ve kept bottled up for the past month, my tears flowing freely.

I was wrong to lash out at them, but they didn’t do a good job of meeting me halfway, either. What hurts me the most is the absence of a promise—the inability to address a possible future where we might actually be happy together.

I understand a lot of things, but I don’t have to accept that this could very well be all that it’s ever going to be.