Chapter 6

Six

E lena didn’t know what to think anymore. Her life had been filled with turmoil for so long that she thought she was finally free of all discord. Yet that conversation with Theo had loosened something within her, unraveling the careful control she had over her emotions—if she had ever truly had any. She sucked in a breath, attempting to calm herself, but instead, a tremor began that she could not stop. What was happening to her?

“Are you all right?”

She heard the question and recognized the voice, but her vision was blurred, keeping her from seeing the speaker. Elena turned toward him, shaking her head. She didn’t trust her own voice to respond without breaking down. Tears sprang to her eyes, and she furiously wiped them away before they could fall down her cheeks.

“Elena,” the man said gently. “Look at me.”

She knew him. Of course, she did. She had met all the guests at Lady Winston’s house party, but only two men would dare use her given name. One had just left her alone to think about what he’d said. So that left only one possibility. “Eli?” she asked, needing to be sure.

“Yes…” He hurried to her side. “Tell me what’s wrong. Let me help.”

Eli reached out to pull her close, but she pushed him away. She couldn’t allow him to comfort her. “This is all your fault,” she accused, her voice harsh. “I wouldn’t be in such turmoil if you hadn’t arranged for him to be here.”

“I don’t understand,” he said, his voice calm. “What do you mean?”

“You know exactly what I mean. Do not play the fool; it does not suit you.” She moved closer, shoving at his chest. “You ensured he would be here. Why are you forcing this upon me? What do you stand to gain?”

Elena knew she sounded like a veritable shrew. The anger spilling forth was beyond her control. It boiled and heated her skin until all she could feel was the depth of that emotion. It consumed her and she allowed it. Because while anger overtook her she could forget about all the other unwanted emotions. The ones that had brought her to the brink of falling apart. At least anger she understood. Anger had gotten her through the years she had been married to a brutish man. Anger had ensured she survived and would continue to do so. Anger felt comfortable like putting on a warm cloak that had always protected her. So she leaned into it and allowed it to rule her in the moment.

“Elena,” Eli began, his voice even, as though hoping to calm her. She would not be calmed. Nothing would stop the storm from being unleashed within her. “Listen…”

“To what?” she spat. “Your excuses for shattering the peace I finally found? Because you think you know what is best for me?”

“It is not like that…” Eli held up his hands, perhaps fearing she’d lash out again. “You know I only want your happiness.”

“Then you should not have ensured he would be here.” She wanted to smash something, to make a physical statement of her rage. But the conservatory offered nothing for that purpose.

“Who are you speaking of?” he asked, his calm tone only irritating her further.

“You know,” she accused. “Stop pretending as if you do not.”

“Elena,” he started, “I truly do not…”

“Yes, you do,” she insisted. “Do not take me for a fool. Did you want to win the wager that badly, hoping he would help you secure a victory?”

“Bloody hell,” he cursed. “No wager is worth losing our friendship. I would never do anything to harm you. Please tell me you believe that.”

Elena wanted to believe him, but she could not. It could not be mere coincidence that Theo was at this house party. She had kept informed of his movements, if only to brace herself for the inevitable announcement of his marriage to another. But no such announcement had come, and foolishly, hope had blossomed in her heart. Dryden had crushed that hope long ago, warning her that he would never allow her to find happiness if he could not get an heir from her. When he discovered her attachment to Theo, he had beaten her for it and watched her closely, fearing she’d bear a bastard instead of his heir. She had been denied happiness, and though she was grateful Dryden had failed in his efforts to make her a mother, the bitterness lingered.

“He doesn’t socialize, Eli.” She met his gaze. “The Earl of Northfield is practically a recluse. He attends no social events. He holds meetings, has meals with business associates, but that is all. He doesn’t attend Christmastide house parties.” She took a step closer. “There would be only one reason for him to attend this one, and it’s not the festivities. So tell me, what did you promise him, Eli? What bait did you use?”

He shook his head. “I promised him nothing,” Eli sighed. “But you are correct—we do have business dealings, and we have met on such terms.” He lifted a hand to cup her cheek. “And yes, he still loves you. But it seems that doesn’t matter to you. You’re not truly angry with me or him. You’re angry with yourself because you’re afraid to let anyone close. I’m safe for you because the love we share isn’t romantic. We’re friends, almost like siblings. But Theo… he makes your heart race. He gives you hope for something you thought you lost years ago.” He smiled sadly. “But if hope is too much for you, then that pains me deeply. It means happiness may forever elude you.”

“Stop pretending this isn’t your fault,” she insisted, though she knew, in her heart, that it wasn’t.

Elena knew she was unjustly blaming him. Eli had been her friend, the one to help her piece herself back together. He hadn’t been the one to hurt her. Instead of arguing further, she turned and walked away, leaving him alone. She could no longer bear this conversation. She needed time to think, to decide what she truly wanted. This argument would not give her the answers she sought.

Theo stood in the library once again. He should have found something to occupy his time earlier, but he had allowed Savorton to distract him. Now he was here, staring at the shelves as if they held all the answers—as if he might uncover some secret that would aid him in his quest to make Elena his once more. He no longer had faith in the outcome he’d hoped for; that hope had disintegrated after their last interaction.

He had told her to think it over and find him when she knew what she wanted. Even as he’d spoken those words, he hadn’t truly believed she would come to the conclusion he desired. He should leave the house party. Lady Winston was an excellent hostess, but it was too difficult to remain when the only reason he’d attended no longer wanted him there. The kindest thing he could do for the only woman he had ever loved—would ever love—was to honor her wishes and leave her alone.

“Theo,” came Elena’s soft voice.

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, praying he wasn’t merely hearing her voice out of desperation. Slowly, he turned and met her gaze. There was a haunted expression in her eyes that made his heart ache. He wished she were not in such turmoil. “Elena,” he said reverently. “What may I do for you?”

“I’ve considered what you said to me earlier.” She licked her lips, and he nearly groaned. Oh, how he longed to pull her into his arms and press his lips to hers. That was a desire he feared might never be fulfilled. “And I have made a decision.”

Theo braced himself for her answer. He didn’t believe for a moment that she wanted to be with him. She was here to let him know, once and for all, and then she would walk away. This time, it would be her choice, and he would have to accept it. He doubted she would ever let go of the shadows that haunted her and allow him to show her true happiness. “And what have you decided, darling?” He could not keep the sadness from his voice; it had been part of him ever since he’d lost her years ago.

She tilted her head to the side and looked up at the ceiling, as if the answer she sought lay hidden there. Then she strolled across the room until she was directly in front of him. “Do you not see it?” she asked.

He narrowed his gaze, puzzled. “I’m afraid I do not.”

“Look up, Theo,” she insisted.

He glanced toward the ceiling and noticed, for the first time, a sprig of mistletoe hanging directly above them. He hadn’t even seen it there before. Why would he? And when had it been hung? More importantly, why did Elena find its presence significant? He turned his attention back to her. “I’m not sure I understand.”

She chuckled softly, trailing her fingers over his chest. Heat radiated through him at her touch. Did she wish for him to kiss her? If that was her desire, he would gladly oblige—and he certainly didn’t need any mistletoe to do so. He had wanted to kiss her every day for the rest of her life and would not deny himself that pleasure if she offered it. He glanced back up at the mistletoe, then back at her. Was this a blessing he’d never dared hope for? Should he just kiss her and pray for the best? What on earth was he to do?

“Theo, darling,” she began, her tone laced with amusement. “I did not think I would have to explain to you what the purpose of mistletoe at Christmastide meant…”

He didn’t stop to think. Her words were all the invitation he needed. Theo leaned down, pressing his lips to hers, savoring the feel of her in his arms. He tightened his hold and deepened the kiss. When she opened her mouth on a soft moan, he slipped his tongue inside, tasting her. His desire surged, and he longed to carry her to his room, strip her bare, and explore every inch of her before taking her fully.

Theo tore his mouth from hers before he lost all restraint. His desires, though intense, were secondary to what she needed. He might not know the full extent of her husband’s cruelty, but he understood it had left her traumatized. He would do nothing to add to her pain. “I should not have…”

Elena smiled gently, lifting her arms to wrap around his neck as she leaned into him. “Yes, darling, you should have. That’s what I came to tell you.” She nestled her face into his neck, and he held her close. Theo groaned, overwhelmed by the pleasure of holding her—the pleasure he had convinced himself he would never feel. The warmth of her body against his nearly undid him.

“I don’t understand,” he managed, his voice unsteady. His breathing was uneven as he fought to maintain control. But she continued to touch him, clouding his thoughts.

“I want you,” she said simply. “I want a lover.” She lifted her gaze to meet his. “But I do not want a husband.” She tilted her head, choosing her next words carefully. “I want to know what it’s like to lie with a man and feel pleasure, not pain. Can you do that for me, Theo? Can you spend one night with me—only one night—and show me how it should have been?”

She was offering herself to him—not forever, but for one night. He wanted to refuse because he desired more than a single night with Elena. But would a refusal mean she’d walk away and never look back? Perhaps he should see this as an opportunity—a chance to show her that she wouldn’t want to let him go. He nodded slowly. “Yes,” he said. “Yes, I will take you to my bed. Tonight, now, and for the entire night. If I only have one night with you, I want it to be all night, to love you completely.”

“Then take me to your bed, darling.”

He took her hand, leading her from the library. He wouldn’t waste another moment, not when he could have her, finally, in his arms.