Chapter 5

Five

T heo strolled into the library, though he wasn’t entirely certain why he’d bothered. It wasn’t as if reading would help settle the tumultuous thoughts and emotions that tore through him. He had come to the house party with one purpose, and that very purpose had spurned him without allowing him the chance to express his desires. Perhaps it was selfish of him, wanting her so deeply and expecting her to welcome him back with open arms. She’d been through something harrowing, and he had no rights where she was concerned, even if he wished he did.

He stared at the shelves, but none of the tomes came into focus. They blurred before his eyes, as ephemeral as his chances of winning Elena’s heart once more. Maybe he should leave her be. She hadn’t been pleased to see him, after all. Did he even have the right to unsettle her life like this? To him, she would always be perfect. He knew he had to treat her as a precious gift, for loving someone meant putting their needs first, above his own selfish desires.

“I’ve been searching for you,” Lord Savorton said, pulling Theo from his brooding thoughts.

Theo turned to meet the marquess’s gaze. “Have you? And for what purpose?” He wasn’t certain he wished to know why Savorton had sought him out. He’d been too engrossed in his own self loathing and failure where Elena was concerned.

Savorton leaned against the doorframe, arms crossed, studying him. He was silent for a moment, as if weighing his words. Theo had come to know him well enough over the past few months with their business dealings. Though they hadn’t had much opportunity to socialize in previously, he knew Savorton and Elena had always been close. She’d spoken fondly of him before, and he could see that her loyalty was reciprocated by the marquess. If only Elena had that much faith in Theo. He’d truly be a fortunate man then.

Savorton sighed. “You’re not leaving.”

How had even known that Theo was considering doing just that? “I didn’t plan to.” He gave the marquess a wry smile. He hadn’t planned on leaving. At least not until morning. “It’s too late to depart and I would rather not travel the roads at this late hour.”

The marquess shook his head. “I didn’t mean immediately.” He moved further into the room, a serious expression settling over his features. “One inconsequential card game and you’re ready to walk away. Was your love so fragile that it can’t withstand a little strain?”

Theo clenched his jaw, fighting the urge to deliver a sharp retort. The implication that his love for Elena was anything but genuine stung. “I can’t make her love me.” He clenched his fingers into his fast at his side. He wanted to strike that too pretty face of the marquess and make Savorton feel the pain that spread over him.

“Then it’s fortunate that you don’t need to.” Savorton’s gaze was piercing. He shook his head as if he couldn’t believe how stupid Theo was acting. “She already loves you. Her feelings are not the issue. It’s her fear of what that love could mean that you must contend with.”

Theo closed his eyes, breathing deeply. He wanted to believe him. “You make it sound so simple,” he murmured. It was anything but that…

“Because it is,” he told him. “Oh I don’t think it will be easy.” He kept his gaze on Theo as he spoke. “Simple and easy are vastly different things,” Savorton replied. “The question is how far you’ll go to make her trust in your love again, to help her see that what you offer isn’t a threat but a promise. She wants you. Elena has always wanted you. But her marriage to that brute has damaged her faith in love itself. It’s up to you to restore it.”

He knew that Savorton was correct. Theo had always known that. But he also didn’t want to make Elena feel as if she had to choose him. All he wanted was her to find happiness again. He swallowed hard—even if that happiness did not include him. “I won’t leave her.”

“Good,” Savorton said, satisfaction evident in his tone. “And I’m here to help however I can. She won’t thank me for my interference, and she’ll be difficult, but that’s a part of her strength. Elena hasn’t survived this long without being fierce.”

Theo smiled, feeling a tinge of warmth at the marquess’s loyalty to her. “That’s one of the many things I adore about her. She’s stronger than she knows.”

Savorton nodded, his tone softening. “True, but she’s also more fragile than she lets on. I won’t allow her to be hurt again. I believe you’re what she needs, that she has always loved you. She has always loved you and it’s time she remembered that she needs you, and the comfort she can only find with you in her life.”

Theo prayed that was true. He dreamed of a life together, one filled with love, trust, and devotion. Every part of him belonged to Elena. He met Savorton’s steady gaze. “I promise I’ll do whatever it takes to protect her. I don’t know if we’ll find our way back to each other, but she is my priority. I won’t ruin the peace she’s gained since Dryden’s death.”

Savorton nodded. “Then that is enough. I’ll leave you to ponder that, though I hope this conversation has given you clarity.” With that, the marquess turned and left the room.

Theo didn’t need a book to pass the time. What he wanted was to find Elena and have a moment alone with her. Perhaps he had been too gentle, too cautious. She might need a slight push to see the future they could share. With newfound resolve, he left the library, determined to find the love of his life—and perhaps, if he was fortunate, he might finally break through the walls she had built around her heart.

Elena took a deep breath, reminding herself that she was free to make her own decisions. She wasn’t sure why she needed the reminder—it simply seemed necessary in moments of emotional turmoil. Having the Earl of Northfield in residence at the same Christmastide house party likely contributed to her unease. Not that he had done anything to warrant the apprehension that filled her; it was more her own uncertainty. The earl had always been the kindest of men, and even now, when she was being so bloody difficult, he honored her wishes.

The problem, of course, was that she no longer knew what she truly wanted. She had once thought her desires were clear, but her fears had taken over. Elena blamed her late husband for the doubt that kept her from moving forward. Once, she had desperately wanted to be Theo’s wife, to share her life with him. But that dream had been dashed before it ever had a chance. Now that she could have that future, she could not allow herself the luxury.

Elena was…damaged.

She could not be the kind of wife Theo deserved. He needed someone whole, someone he could be proud to call his own. She couldn’t shake the shadow of her past. Her husband had abused her daily, and when his attempts to impregnate her failed, the abuse only worsened. She feared she might never bear children. The lord knew Dryden had done his best to get her with child. He’d used her roughly, day after day, and when she had fought back, his cruelty grew darker, leaving her battered and bruised. It had been better to allow him to use her. She had endured, and kept her dissent to herself. Those years with him had altered her in ways that she could never fully express. She had a far darker outlook on life now.

Theo should have a wife who could give him heirs and who didn’t shudder at the idea of lying with a man. She had always acted as if she’d taken lovers, but she hadn’t; the thought of intimacy filled her with distaste. No, she could never be what Theo needed. He deserved so much more than she could ever offer him. Somehow she would have to make him understand.

“This is the last place I expected to find you,” Theo said as he entered the conservatory.

Elena closed her eyes, reminding herself to breathe. She could endure this. Theo would never hurt her. He was as trustworthy as Eli—her dear friend. Slowly, she turned to face him, her expression carefully impassive, concealing just how much he still affected her. “Were you looking for me?” she asked.

“I was,” he replied, strolling further into the conservatory. He stopped by the orange tree, inhaling its fragrance with a smile. “These smell wonderful.”

“Lady Winston is quite the connoisseur,” Elena replied. “She adores oranges. I believe there’s a lemon tree somewhere as well.” This was a silly conversation, but at least it held the illusion of safety.

“Is there?” His smile widened. “I suppose they come in handy when making punch for guests.” Theo moved closer. “But I didn’t come here to discuss lemons and oranges.”

She had hoped to avoid a serious conversation, but clearly, he had other plans. “But they are such interesting plants.” Her lips twitched in a faint smile. “And delicious too.”

“I won’t disagree,” he said, “but I’d much rather talk about you.”

She sighed, realizing her final attempt to steer him off course had failed. “I’m not open to that discussion,” she replied, her smile fading. “Some things are best left in the past.”

“I disagree,” he said gently. He reached out, brushing his thumb over her cheek. “But it isn’t the past I wish to discuss with you.”

She was taken aback. What could he want, if not to speak of how their future had been stolen by her father’s choices? Without her father’s gambling, she would have married Theo and perhaps been blissfully happy by now. “What do you want from me?” she asked quietly, almost reverently. She almost feared his answer. No, there was no almost about it. Her fear was palpable and she tasted its bitterness on her tongue.

“I want your happiness,” he told her as if the simplicity of that statement could be made true just by voicing it and sending it off into the ether. “Above that I want to spend the rest of my days loving you and ensuring you are not only always protected, but cherished.”

Elena looked away. “That’s an impossible thing to expect.”

“You should expect nothing less.” His tone was fierce, but without reproach. “You should never have been mistreated. I would undo it all if I could. I’d kill him for you, were he not already dead.” He closed his eyes. “I wish I had saved you from him.”

“None of it was your fault.” She shook her head. The blame rested solely on her father. Had he been a better man, she’d never have been forced to marry Dryden. “You have to let me go.”

“I don’t have to do any such thing.” His steadfast gaze told her all she needed to know—Theo wasn’t going to walk away. “I love you. I always have, and I’ll be damned if I give up easily.” He brushed her cheek with his knuckles, a touch so tender it nearly undid her. “It’s your decision, darling. It will always be yours, but I am not running away. I’ll be here, waiting. And when you’re ready, I’ll open my arms and welcome you.”

She swallowed hard. “Theo…”

“Don’t say anything,” he said, gently. “Not now. It would be an answer I’m not willing to hear and one you’ll regret later. Think on it, and when you’re ready to listen to your heart, come find me. I don’t make promises lightly and you may trust in me. I will never allow anyone to ever hurt you again.” With that, he turned and left her alone.

Theo had given her much to consider. The question was, did she have the courage to open herself to him? Elena wasn’t certain she could—even with a man as wonderful as her earl.