Chapter 17

CHAPTER 17

J uliet spun around Alicia’s bedroom, holding up a golden colored dress to her shoulders. A soft melody whistled through the room from Juliet’s lips, getting higher and lower as she twirled around the bathing tub. Alicia giggled from her seat at the bed, watching the show while her stomach twisted into a painful knot.

“A real gown,” Juliet mused as she fell against the bed, the dress draped across her stomach.

“Careful, now,” Alicia warned playfully. “I do still plan on wearing it this evening.”

“Oh, I know, Your Grace.” The lady’s maid sighed dramatically, draping a hand over her forehead. “I only needed a minute or two to dream.”

Alicia lightly laughed. “I think you danced for longer than a minute, Juliet.”

The girl blushed. “I couldn’t help it, Your Grace. It’s a masterpiece.” She stood and laid the dress out on the bed. “Is there a special occasion?”

“Not particularly,” Alicia replied. “But it is a special evening.”

“Why is that?”

“Because the duke has agreed to have a dinner with me.”

Juliet raised a slender brow. “Don’t you have dinner together every night?”

“Not like this,” Alicia explained. “Tonight, it’ll be only him and me.”

“How peculiar!”

Alicia frowned at her. “It isn’t peculiar at all, Juliet.”

The maid crossed the room, grabbing a brush. “The wedding was weeks ago, Your Grace, but you fret over a dinner now?”

“You wouldn’t understand.”

“Might you explain it to me, Your Grace?” Juliet asked before climbing onto the bed behind Alicia, and dragging the brush gently through her long locks. “I’m quite curious now.”

Alicia hesitated before she sighed, unsure of what to say anymore. “Marriages in our society is different than what you might know, Juliet.”

“What do I know, Your Grace?”

“Well, how did your parents meet?”

“They lived in the same village,” the maid explained, and Alicia could hear the smile in her voice without even looking at her. “My mother worked as a seamstress, and my father needed new buttons on his coat before winter. Simple as that.”

“It isn’t like that here.”

“So,” Juliet drawled slowly, “you say, ‘how do you do’ and get married?”

The pair laughed loudly together.

“Heavens, no,” Alicia said breathlessly. “We promenade, we exchange gifts and mementos. The gentleman meets the lady’s parents, and discusses a marriage with the lord of the lady’s house.”

Juliet finished brushing her hair, pinning a few strands out of Alicia’s face. When she finished, she faced the duchess, a sad smile on her lips. “Sounds sad, Your Grace.”

Alicia frowned, the knot from before becoming tighter and tighter deep within her. “Yes,” she whispered, “I suppose it can be.” She shook her head. “This is normal, Juliet. My society does not have the privilege of falling in love before being wed.”

Juliet held the golden dress out to her. “So, you fall in love after?”

“I–I wouldn’t know,” Alicia said sheepishly as a blush crawled across her face.

“Isn’t that what you’re doing?”

“Juliet!” the duchess exclaimed, her eyes wide. “Perhaps you have forgotten yourself.”

The maid frowned, bowing her head and taking a few steps backwards. “Forgive me, Your Grace.”

Alicia eyed her as she gathered the dress in her arms. “I do not mean to be cruel, Juliet,” she whispered. “I am only afraid.”

“Afraid of what?” Juliet asked as she knelt beside the duchess.

“Everything. This evening. Being alone with him after everything.” Alicia put the dress on the bed, eyeing it skeptically. “What is even the point? Looking my best only to be met with silence for the entire dinner? Be even more angry with each other?”

“Your Grace,” Juliet said, “might I express myself freely?”

Alicia eyed her cautiously. “You may.”

“If I understand you, this evening might change your entire marriage,” Juliet said with a soft smile. “Faith and hope are strong tools when we feel most alone with our thoughts and fears. The duke is not a cruel man. He is a broken one, who has held himself together on his own for years. But you’re here now, and tonight might be the first time he allows someone to put him back together.”

Alicia stared at her. “I am terrified, Juliet.”

The maid sighed, reaching for the duchess’s cold hands. “What makes you so frightened, Your Grace?”

“I–I don’t know.”

“But you do,” Juliet said. “What is it?”

Alicia licked her lips, feeling the dread rise up to almost swallow her whole. Focusing on the warmth of Juliet’s hands, she breathed deeply to calm her racing heart. “What if he realizes he does not want me?”

“Oh, Your Grace,” Juliet sighed, “you cannot frighten yourself with that.”

“How can I not?” Alicia rose from the bed, pacing through the room. “How can I not think about him rejecting me once more, after all this? When will I know that I’ve done enough? That I have earned his trust?”

She turned to the maid, her hands shaking. “All my life, I have felt as though I have been drowning. Drowning under everything that has been forced upon me. But the moment I met him, despite the circumstances that could have ruined my family, it has changed. I have changed.”

“What are you now if not drowning?”

“Water, Juliet,” Alicia whispered. “I feel like water.”

The maid smiled, meeting her at the center of the room. “Let’s get you in the dress, Your Grace.”

“I–I don’t know if I can.”

“You can,” Juliet said. “He’s waiting for you.”

Alicia glanced at the dress. It shimmered in the dim light, as though it were truly made from strands of gold. Slowly, she crossed the room till she reached it, dragging a hand down the dress’s bodice. A chill ran through her. The thought of Matthew sitting there, waiting for her to arrive brought a sense of courage to her that untied the knot in her stomach.

She smiled at her maid. “Help me get dressed, won’t you, Juliet?”

The girl grinned, clapping her hands together excitedly. “Very good, Your Grace!”

Alicia glanced at herself in the mirror and watched the maid lace up the dress. It fit her snugly, and the more she stared, the older she looked. No matter what happened during their dinner, Alicia found herself growing more excited as the night went on.

She had a duke waiting for her.

Walking through the halls of Garvey in solitude was a more peaceful experience than Alicia expected it to be. The green walls looked warmer in the evening, the candles creating an orange hue at every corner. Alicia dragged her fingertips along the walls as she walked, letting the smooth textures calm her racing mind.

Alicia passed through the threshold of a dining room she hadn’t seen during her stay at Garvey. The manor seemed to grow larger with every second, with rooms appearing out of nowhere. As she entered the room, she noticed only one servant standing against the wall with a bottle in his hands. A small round table sat at the room’s center, a short candelabra in the middle. The flame’s quiet light cast an amber glow throughout the room.

With his back facing her, the duke stared out a window, hands twisted behind his back. The firelight sent soft rays over his broad shoulders, a fiery aura extending around his silhouette. He held his hands together tightly, knuckles turning a bright pale. His dark hair was slicked back down his neck, with a strand or two popping out. Alicia felt her breath catch in the back of her throat.

She stepped further into the room, the floor creaking beneath her feet.

“Your Grace,” the duke said as he turned. There was a flush to his cheeks, something Alicia had never seen on him before. “Good evening.”

She curtsied as a chill rolled down her spine. “Are you well?” she asked.

“Of course,” he replied with a frown. “Why do you ask?”

“Y–your face looked a bit flushed, Your Grace.” Alicia took small steps to the table. “Do you feel ill? Mr. Porter will be visiting in a few days, we can send him a letter to?—”

“I am quite well,” he interrupted, an amused smile creeping onto his face.

“Oh,” Alicia breathed, nodded. “That’s good, Your Grace.”

The duke left the window, pulling a chair back at the table for her to sit. “Might we,” he paused as though he hesitated, but quickly shook his head, “be less formal this evening?”

Alicia sat as he pushed in her chair, his hands gripping the back of the seat. “In what way might we be less formal?”

“You may call me Matthew,” he spoke slowly, still behind her. “And I may call you…” the duke hesitated again, letting his voice trail off into a silence. Suddenly he moved out from behind her, taking his own seat on her right at the table. When his eyes met hers, he breathed a sigh. “I may call you Alicia, if you wish.”

Her lips parted and the smile that overtook her felt like the first true smile she had ever given him. “You may, Matthew,” she said, and his name came out more easily than she expected it to, as though she had been meant to use it all this time.

Matthew settled into his seat, giving a signal over his shoulder for the lingering servant to pour the drinks. As the wine was poured, Alicia gulped down her anxiety, watching as Matthew held his hands together below his chin. Matthew lowered his head till he covered his lips, as if he knew she was watching.

The servant left the room through a separate door, most likely to fetch their dinner.

Alicia fidgeted in her seat at the silence.

“May I ask you something?” Matthew asked.

“Of course.”

With his gaze stuck on the candelabra, and his voice slightly muffled by his hands, he spoke softly. “How did you carry her?”

Alicia blinked. “What?”

“Lucy,” he said. “How could you have carried her through the manor?”

“Well, it was just instinct, I suppose.”

Matthew lowered his hands and met her gaze. “She is not a small baby, Alicia.”

“I know that.”

“Then, how did you carry her?”

Alicia furrowed her brow. “Why does this feel like an interrogation?”

“It isn’t,” he said, lowering his voice. “I wanted to understand.”

Alicia sighed. “Growing up,” she began, a sad nostalgia tugging at her heart, “Penny prided herself on being the most reckless child imaginable. She collected rocks, waded into lakes, climbed trees.”

“Domesticated hounds,” Matthew added with a chuckle.

“Yes,” she laughed. “She was a wild girl at heart, and my parents never fought against it. They saw what lay in her heart, and let her be.” Alicia looked down at her plate as the servant brought dinner in. A dejected feeling began to seep into her. “Bless my parents for being so kind, but perhaps it would have been better for us to have kept her adventures to a minimum.”

“Why would you say that?”

“My parents allowed Penny to do whatever she pleased as long as one of her tamer siblings was there to keep her in check,” she explained. “Owen was too busy becoming the next lord of the house, which left me. And I love my sister, but it is that love that kept me on my toes every second of every day. She could jump from the treetops, and I’d be there to catch her. Each time.”

Matthew watched her intensely. “That’s how you carried Lucy,” he said.

“I suppose so,” she said with a shrug. “What else what I have done?”

“Ran to get someone else,” Matthew quickly replied. “Anyone else would have left her there to get help.”

“Well… ”

“Mr. Porter said it himself,” he interjected. “The speed of your reaction is what kept her from real harm.”

Alicia gulped, meeting the duke’s powerful stare. It bored into her with an intensity that chilled her, something she had never seen before. Matthew blinked a few times, his gaze flickering down to her lips before he abruptly leaned back into his chair, putting more space between them. Alicia tried to ignore the disappointment that flooded into her chest.

Without another word, Matthew began to eat, his gaze still and unbothered.

Despite his change, Alicia couldn’t push past the feeling of his wall coming down, of him talking freely to her. In that moment, he felt so open to her, ready for the barrier between them to come crashing down. But the second she acknowledged it, Matthew reeled himself back in, rebuilding the wall out of all its broken pieces.

Alicia set her fork down. She wasn’t ready to go back to how it was.

“It’s my turn to ask you a question,” she suddenly said.

Matthew jolted as if he had forgotten she was there. “Your turn?” he repeated. “We weren’t taking turns.”

“You got to ask me something. It’s only fair I get to do the same.”

He pressed his lips together. “Alright.”

“What did you mean when you said I had to stay out of things I’d never understand?” Alicia asked, her voice quiet and quivering. “In the garden.”

Matthew looked away from her. “I do not wish to speak of the past.”

“You asked me a question about?—”

“About my sister, Alicia. I asked about my sister, the reason we are here this evening. That is all.”

Alicia frowned. “Is that the only reason?”

“What?”

“You agreed to this dinner,” she said, “just because I helped her? That’s all?”

Matthew stared with widened eyes. “Why do you want to talk about that night?”

“There were things left unsaid, Matthew.”

“I said everything,” he muttered.

“No,” she snapped. “Do not lie.”

His lips pressed together in a firm line. “You wouldn’t understand.”

Alicia fought the urge to drop her hands in exasperation. “Matthew,” she said firmly, his name ringing through her ears. “How can you be angry that I can’t understand if you do not explain it to me?”

“I cannot.”

“Why?”

“Not everything is yours to know,” he said quickly, his voice rising.

She wanted to reach for him, to grab his hands and hold them to her heart, to beg him to feel the truth within her. In the firelight, the duke looked like a child, one who had his innocence shattered in front of him. He watched the flames dance with a furrowed brow, a twitch that tugged his face down in a pained frown.

Alicia ached to hold all the pieces of him together.

“It is not mine, Matthew,” she whispered. “I know it is not mine. I know that the ghosts of Garvey haunt you. I know that your past sits on your shoulders, not mine. All I ask is to carry the burden with you.”

He grew incredibly still.

“You do not need to be in so much pain.”

“I’m not.”

“Not everything need hurt you,” Alicia interrupted. “Not while I am here.”

Matthew’s eyes flickered up to her own quickly, as if he argued within himself. “The ghosts of Garvey,” he whispered, repeating her own words. “They might make you turn away from me.”

She tilted her head at him. “Memories cannot harm you, Matthew, or the life you live.”

“They can,” he said. “They have.”

Alicia reached, grasping onto his clenched fist that sat on the table. He felt incredibly cold as she wrapped her fingers around his, unable to cover his entire hand. Matthew’s chest rose and fell quickly at the contact.

“I can protect you,” she firmly said. “I can.”

A smile finally coaxed itself across his lips. “I have no doubt.”

Alicia kept a tight hold on his hand as he sighed, leaning back in his chair with a heavy exhaustion, as though he hadn’t slept in days. A strand of hair fell from his forehead, striking across his eye like a lightning bolt.

“Lucy is my greatest pride,” Matthew whispered, his voice barely carrying. He stared into the flames once more, his eyes narrowed and brows furrowed tightly together. “And my deepest shame.”

“Why?”

He glanced at her. “Do you truly not know?”

“Know what, Matthew?”

Matthew shook his head at her, a look of astonishment on his face. “She is a bastard, Alicia.”

A sharp exhale left Alicia’s lips. She covered her mouth, surprised at herself for reacting so visibly. “I–I?—”

“Does it all make sense now?” he asked, almost venomously.

She met his eyes. “Matthew… ”

“I’m surprised she never told you.”

“Why would she?”

“Don’t you see the way she watches you?” Matthew asked. “There hasn’t been a woman in her life that hasn’t scorned her, berated her for an origin she did not chose. My mother would spit on the ground where the girl dared walk, calling her a dirty-blooded bastard whenever she got the chance. Even Miss Ayles treats her in a lowly way, as though being a bastard changes her station at Garvey.”

Matthew leaned forward suddenly, taking Alicia’s hand within his own, the tightness sending a wave of goosebumps up her arm. “Except for you, Alicia.”

“Me?” she breathed, still reeling from the duke’s grip around her fingertips.

“You are the only lady who has regarded her as a girl,” he explained. “You have never treated her any differently.” Matthew stared at her with a heaviness she couldn’t recognize. “Will you change now, Alicia, that you know the truth?”

“Of course not,” she quickly replied. “I–I love her.”

Matthew’s lips parted in shock. “What?”

“I love her, Matthew,” Alicia whispered, a smile pulling at her lips. “How can I not? She is a wonderful girl, and I want her to succeed. It’s the only reason why I fought you so hard, Matthew.”

He tilted his head.

“For a ball,” she said. “I wanted her to experience things she wanted to have. And I feared that she was lonely without you around. You left so often, and I?—”

“I’m sorry,” he interrupted. “For leaving.”

“You had business.”

“No,” Matthew said with a humorless laugh. “Nothing that needed me right away.” He leaned back in his chair again, dragging a hand through his hair. “I was afraid, and I ran.”

“What was there to be scared of?”

Matthew glanced up at her.

She scoffed, taken aback. “I make you afraid.”

“Not in that way, Alicia,” he said. “I–I cannot explain it.”

“You can, you just choose not to.”

“Alicia… ”

“The only one holding up this wall between us is you Matthew,” Alicia said, more harshly than she intended. “I have been trying all this time, but you refuse. I will remain a stranger you hate to see lurking in your halls as long as you put me there.”

She searched his face, waiting for him to turn back to her looking open, to smile and keep talking. Matthew only remained still, his eyes once again stuck on the flames of the candelabra. Their food had long since gone cold.

Alicia sighed, rejection tainting her heart with something dark and twisted. She only wanted to run and hide, to bury herself under the covers of her bed, never to be seen again within Garvey. After all, perhaps that was what he wanted all along.

“Excuse me, Your Grace,” she said, the words heavy against her lips as she stood from the table. “I will leave you be. Have a good evening.”

Alicia bowed her head before stepping around her chair. She was about to cross the room to the opened door, but managed only one step from the table when Matthew’s hand shot out and grabbed onto her wrist.

Alicia’s breath caught in her throat.

Matthew held onto her, turning to face her. Without raising his head, he looked up at her, meeting her stare in a gentle way; a way that pleaded for her to stay. There was nothing to stop her chest from heaving up and down as he had her hand just inches from his nose, his warm breath fanning her skin.

“Don’t,” he whispered. “Don’t go.”

Everything felt like water within her, ready to sink down beside him. He wants me to stay, she told herself. He wants me to stay.

“You do not make me afraid in the way you think,” he said against her hand. “Everything I felt… with you near… made me afraid.”

Alicia felt a heat rush to her face, unable to look down at him.

“I never wanted to marry,” he continued. “All that mattered was Lucy, and her succeeding where I could not. We were wed out of necessity, out of responsibility, but I lied to myself, and forced it to be another way. It isn’t like that anymore.”

“It isn’t?” Alicia repeated, breathlessly.

Matthew stirred in his seat and slowly stood, still holding her in place. Once standing, her gaze was stuck on his chest, and she felt unable to meet his stare.

“You tell me,” he said, using his other hand to delicately touch her chin, raising her face slowly till he could look into her eyes. “Alicia.”

Staring up into his eyes, everything within her felt finally at ease. Matthew was there, and he held her, an assuredness in his eyes that told her he had never once lied. The wall once between them was nowhere to be seen, as though it had never existed in the first place. There was only him, the duke, holding her, his eyes flickering to her lips with a deep yearning.

Alicia had known her answer all along. “It isn’t.”

He released a sigh like he had been holding his breath. “Alicia,” he muttered.

As her heart seemed to engulf her with a calming warmth, Alicia stepped up on her toes, lifting her lips just a hair away from his own. For a moment, they remained just like that, close and soaking up each other’s presence, before Matthew breathed deeply, and sunk himself into her. He pressed a hand into her lower back, gently pushing till she was as close as possible. Alicia allowed her hands to grasp him, to take in his shoulders and the weight they carried.

Despite the darkness swallowing up the world outside, Alicia only felt the sun against her skin as he kissed her. Everything, finally, was as it should be.