18. June 30th

18

June 30th

B efore I even know it, a routine forms. Every day I spend with Darius in companionable silence. He feeds me, we watch movies, TV shows, and just exist side by side. Every night I fall asleep in his bed. And every morning I wake up in my own.

The only discernible difference is sometimes, in the middle of the night after I am returned to my bed, I will rouse from a nightmare. And lying next to me? It's Axel on my bed, wrapped around me, holding me. When I wake in the morning though, he's always gone.

I begin to suspect that he doesn't sleep. Or maybe that's why I never see him during the daylight hours. He's catching up on all the time he spends watching me sleep. It should creep me out, but in some sick, twisted way, it makes me feel secure. Cared for. Less alone.

I don't see much of Grayson, but when I do, he offers nothing but tight-lipped smiles and shows his obvious discomfort.

Except right now.

I had completed the first part of my new routine and fallen asleep in Darius's bed, but for the first time I wake up while being carried back to my room. I expect Darius or even Axel, but it's Grayson that's holding me in his embrace. I'm tucked carefully against his chest and I can feel his strength, his rippling muscles, his large hands as he balances me to open my door. I can hear his heart's soothing beat as he shoulders it shut.

"I know you're awake," he says as he places me carefully into my bed. Axel isn't here. Yet.

I meet his eyes. Maybe it's the magic of the middle of the night, but his eyes are less guarded than usual. They almost appear soft.

He reaches down pulling the blanket over me, tucks my hair behind my ear, and places a gentle kiss to my forehead.

It melts my heart.

I reach forward before he can leave. Holding him by his pajama pants. "I'm sorry," I whisper the words out.

Whatever he expected me to say it wasn't that. "Why do you need to be sorry?"

"It's my fault that they're dead. I made them come." Even if it wasn't an accident, they were still there because of me. Darius has been doing a good job at distracting me, but in these moments, half awake and vulnerable, my pain is just as tangible as ever.

Grayson grumbles and bends down until he's staring directly into my eyes. "None of this is your fault. None of it. Everyday people make choices and unfortunately those choices come with consequences that affect more than themselves. Baby girl, if anything, I owe you an apology. I want to support you, to make sure you're okay, but I don't want to push you. I want to be someone you can rely on."

Tears form in my eyes, Grayson's voice is stern, but I begin to discern what I already knew. Grayson is both of his brothers' rock, but who is his?

I pat the bed next to me. "Will you keep me company?"

He hesitates.

"I don't want any more nightmares. Please ?" The last word comes out as a whine.

He lets out a shuddering sigh before carefully sitting on the bed next to me. I grab onto him, pulling him to me.

My arms wrap around the much larger man, his form is almost too much for me to encapsulate, but I do my best.

"You don't have to be alone," I hum the words into his hair and he shakes against me.

I feel as tension releases from him and he relaxes into my embrace. He carefully returns the hug, wrapping me in his warmth. Grayson makes me feel like everything is going to be okay. That I am stronger than I really am. His loneliness somehow leaches away at my own.

"You are too kind, too pure. This world doesn't deserve you, baby girl." I can feel the heat of his words on my neck. Goosebumps prickle down my spine. I find myself suddenly incredibly hot. I want more from Grayson. I need what he has to offer. I need a release. Something to expel the excess tension that lives in my body. That seeps into my bones.

I jerk back abruptly, my wants at odds with my brain.

"I want to help. Darius said the marina needs more help—"

"No," Grayson cuts me off.

My temper flares, but I tamper it down. "I will go stir crazy in this house. I need more distractions. The movies and mindless TV are working for now, but I need more."

Grayson breathes out heavily and it moves some of his hair that has fallen into his hardened eyes. "Stubborn girl." He laughs humorlessly. "Sure why not, but Darius is coming with you."

My babysitter, of course, but I don't fight him on the matter. I'm excited, I've never had a real job, and while I don't know what to expect, I'm happy I'll be contributing. That I'll be doing something. Anything.

My eyes flicker to where the giraffe is hidden. Where the photo and flip phone are.

Soon I'll need to find out more, to investigate further, but in the meantime I'll be good.

Grayson doesn't get up, instead he draws me back into his arms, wrapping around me carefully.

I ignore when Axel creeps into the room. Grayson's only reaction is to pull me tighter to his body.

Axel grumbles but says nothing before wedging himself on the other side of me. That is where I fall asleep. Sandwiched between the brothers. Feeling happier than I have any right to be.

One month after Auggie and Tripp's death.

I'm sorry Tripp, I don't think this is the happiness you meant.