17. June 22nd

17

June 22nd

I t's not long before I fall back to sleep. I don't dream of anything else, and when I wake up in the morning, I am alone.

I have accepted that I am a terrible person. I betrayed Tripp. With his own brother. His twin brother. The thought is sobering as I slowly throw on clean clothes.

My eyes flicker to the box of items they left behind—I have returned the two letters to it now—and then to where I put the giraffe.

Before the river day, I am going to find a charger for the phone, but until then? Well I am not exactly sure what my plan is.

Dressed, I exit my room. I shove my hands into my short's pockets, my eyes flicker about, my lungs constrict making it difficult to breathe. I am on edge, I don't know what I would do if I run into Axel, but conveniently, I never seem to see him during the daytime.

He would make a good vampire; except he's always entering spaces unwelcomed.

The thought causes an uninhibited laugh to leave my lips, and it shocks me.

I can't remember the last time I laughed.

I smell the bacon before I enter the kitchen. Darius is eating at the counter, his laptop in front of him.

He looks up, gifting me a strained smile. "Sleep okay?"

The question has my face flushing, did he hear me? Know that I was with Axel? The embarrassment and shame roll in equal waves along my nerves. I decide I am in fact, not hungry, but before I can make my escape he continues.

"You were screaming," he offers up softly.

Oh. "Nightmare." I shrug a shoulder and eye the plate of food on the counter.

"For you," he confirms.

My heart swells. Darius is continuously feeding me, making sure I am okay, he even got me a birthday cupcake. He is the least dangerous of the brothers and I really ought to be nicer to him.

Even if he is hiding something from me.

"Thanks." I grab the plate and settle down next to him. I glance over at the laptop he is concentrating on. I can't hide the shock when I see what he's doing.

"Online classes," Darius confirms, his attention focused on the screen.

"For high school?" I put a bite of food into my mouth, chewing carefully.

"Local college. I already have my GED. I didn't actually drop out, I got it and then left school." He appears to be taking a test, but he's answering the questions too quickly to even read. Or maybe he is just that smart.

"Oh." Once more I listened to rumors and let other people's opinions cloud my judgment. "I shouldn't have taken a year off." I'd been having the thought since my parents left. My best friend, Julia, was off on vacation. She was supposed to be my roommate in college, the same college Tripp and Auggie went to.

I needed to reach out to her. I felt bad, I hadn't really talked to her since everything happened, but even before that, our friendship had been strained. Cracks breaching through as they often do when you keep secrets from each other. Hers, the party she went to over winter break and mine… Tripp.

I was almost grateful she skipped the graduation ceremony to go on a trip with her parents and seemed to have shoddy cell service. It was an excuse to not contact her. To not break the news that I wouldn't be joining her anymore.

Darius clicks submit on the test, and I am able to see he receives a perfect score before he shuts his laptop and gifts me with his attention. "No, you need time to process everything. It's good to take a break."

I don't point out how hypocritical the statement is. "Sure." I finish up eating and he takes both our plates.

When he is done loading them into the dishwasher he turns to me. "What about we have a movie marathon?"

My eyebrows shoot up. While the brothers are clearly invading my life, it's odd for him to offer to hang out with me. It throws me off. "Sure." This time the word comes out unsteadily.

Darius returns to my side and offers me a hand. I timidly take it.

The second our fingers touch, déjà vu skitters down my spine. A foggy memory that doesn't take on any substance and dissipates as soon as it appears.

"Why do I feel like I have known you longer? That this isn't the first time we've done this?" The questions come out before I can think how crazy they might sound.

Darius drops my hand as if it burns. His eyebrows draw together and his mouth opens on an O. He looks freaked out, concerned, worried. He forces out a laugh but it doesn't convince either of us.

I push past the weirdness and add it to the never-ending list of things that just aren't right.

Nothing has really been right since Tripp and Auggie's death.

Darius leads the way to the living room. I relax into the comfortable couch leaving him space as he sets up the marathon.

"Any requests?" he asks.

"Nothing scary." I look down at my legs and realize that my movements have pulled my shorts up.

Axel left his mark.

The bruise on my thigh is dark and discolored. A testament to my sins. A startled noise leaves me at the sight of it.

Darius whips his head from the TV to me. His focus follows my own and zeroes in on the bruise. His mouth forms a tight line, and I watch as his fists clench. I can't decipher his reaction, but I feel bare.

I find a blanket and pull it up, wrapping myself in its comfort. Covering my mistakes.

Darius's eyes meet mine. "Axel," he spits the word, before turning back to the TV.

I don't acknowledge it.

He puts on a scary movie, but I don't argue. I don't know if he did it maliciously or because he was distracted.

My face is heated in embarrassment, and I can use the blanket to hide from the worst parts.

If only a blanket worked on the scary parts of life.

He sits next to me at the other end of the couch and puts my feet in his lap. We sit like that in uncomfortable silence for the entire movie. When it's finally over, I just want to leave. To crawl into the bath and relax, unwind, steady myself.

Darius sighs heavily, the noise has me jumping. The blanket falls and he is hyper focused on the bruise once more. I think he can tell my discomfort because he puts the blanket back in place before encapsulating my feet in his hands, rubbing them one at a time.

His long fingers keep massaging my feet. Human touch–it feels comforting. I allow myself to relax into him.

"We all agreed, you know? Even Tripp. That we wouldn't try to date you. We promised Auggie we wouldn't."

The statement is nowhere near what I expected him to say, his hands travel up my feet to my legs, stroking and massaging as he goes.

He quirks his lips.

"Imagine my surprise when I saw you up on your roof, kissing him. When I heard you sneak into his room. It's right next to mine." His tone is harsh.

"I…I didn't know. I thought no one knew. I thought we were waiting to tell my brother after I graduated—on my birthday—it made sense."

His hands have made their way under the blanket and up to my knees, I try to ignore the sensations his calloused fingers bring forth. No longer do I find it relaxing, now an entirely different feeling takes hold.

It tingles and ignites as he strokes the outside of my thighs.

Suddenly, he stops.

"Axel promised." I don't have time to examine what that means. Darius moves swiftly. He's now hovering over me, encapsulating my entire body, his hair falling in a halo. His face inches from mine. We breathe the same breath for a few moments and I stay frozen. Unknown emotions are suffocating me. With Darius it's different. I feel differently. He has in a short time become reliable, safe, comfortable. He is a place to return.

I care about him.

The thought is jarring. I don't understand how I have grown to care about him so quickly.

"Come back to me." He leans down. Our foreheads touch, his hair tickles my nose, his haunted eyes watching me cautiously. And then softly, ever so carefully, he presses his lips onto mine; they are soft, firm, unyielding. He gently pushes into my mouth his tongue flicking out. I didn't realize until this moment that it's pierced. The metal ball is cold against my tongue and the dichotomy in temperature causes a shiver to roll through me. Darius presses further into my body, I can feel his cock against me, and I find myself wanting to push up into him to get the friction I need.

He lets up, pulling back. Detangling our mouths, he stops only centimeters away. "You know that I am always here for you if you need me, right?"

My eyes meet his, this moment feels so incredibly tender, and I cannot help the way his words pierce me. How they add to the flush that spreads across my cheeks, how I want nothing more than to go further with this man. Darius is the calm before a storm, the eye of a hurricane, the silence before a predator strikes. He is comfort, but there's an edge to it, as if something is coming, but I just don't know what it is yet.

I stare into his eyes desperately trying to portray to him exactly how he is making me feel, but then the guilt hits me, a violent slap to the face.

His face shutters. "‘ These violent delights have violent ends. And in their triumph die, like fire and powder, which as they kiss consume. The sweetest honey,'" he murmurs the quote against my lips. "I'm sorry, I just needed to remind myself that you're real. That you're here."

My heart is beating rapidly in my chest, but I don't have time to work through what has just happened, as a throat clearing grabs my attention. I can see another O'Brien brother over Darius's shoulder.

Grayson is clearly pissed. He's standing at the edge of the living room. His brow is scrunched, his lips are flat, he's rubbing his forehead, he's tapping his foot.

"Darius," he remarks before he turns and walks to the kitchen.

I refocus on the youngest brother. His eyes are on mine. Adoration in their depths. It scares me. I look away, waiting for him to get up, to move off of me.

He doesn't.

"Go," I say. I need him to leave so I can break down. Alone and in peace. Let the guilt win. Blame my grief for kissing not one, but two of the remaining O'Brien brothers.

He nuzzles into my neck. "I'm not going to push you, I am going to be your friend. But I also care about you, more than you realize. We all do. This isn't something to feel bad about. Tripp knew." He kisses my hair, dropping that bomb before finally getting up off me and leaving me more confused than before.

Tripp knew? Knew what exactly? Nothing is making any sense. Again .

I watch his retreat and when he is fully out of sight, I get up myself.

I go to walk to my room, but shouting redirects my attention towards the men. I can't hear anything decipherable, except as Darius stomps into the living room over his shoulder he yells back, "Take it up with Axel."

He grabs onto my hand and leads me up the stairs to his room. It is situated between where I currently reside and Tripp's. Opening the door, he pushes me softly inside. The room is dark, the curtains drawn, but I can see from the light of the stars on the ceiling.

The sight of them makes me smile, but the sound of his door clinking into place draws my attention.

"Let's just hibernate and watch movies. Nothing more. We can hang out and I will make us snacks. This is what makes me feel the best when I think too much and my mind won't stop racing. You've experienced a lot. And you are still dealing with the loss of both Tripp and Auggie." Darius offers up the explanation, switching on his TV and falling onto his bed. He pats the space next to him. "Friends?" He offers me his pinky.

I'm still so incredibly confused by everything that has happened these past few days, but there is one thing I really do need. A friend. I seal the promise with my pinky and carefully lay next to him in his bed. His silky sheets are comfy and his warm smell envelops me as I lean back carefully.

This time when he puts on a movie, it's a comedy.

And that's where I hide for the remainder of the day. Darius is right. In here with him and just the TV blaring, it's easy to forget how fucked up everything is.

I have formulated a plan to figure out what all is going on, but until then? I am going to accept any solace I can find.