1. June 13th

1

June 13th

T he bathtub isn't clean.

That's my first thought as I balance myself under the shower's spray waiting for the water to heat up, ignoring the chill that settles into my bones.

I feel sick, uneasy, wobbly. As if everything I have ever known could be popped at any moment.

The now hot mist bounces off my naked form and catches in my eyes. I push the tub's lever and turn the drizzle to a steady stream coming from the faucet. I slowly lower myself and lay back. As the water gradually fills up around my form, I am waiting for my release.

The stopper is an old thing, and I grab a washcloth from the ledge and move it to wedge into the drain for good measure. I am impatient. I need to complete this ritual before I lose myself. My vision spins a bit as I lay back down, waiting for the water to fill.

Finally, it touches my ears. I take a deep breath and shut my eyes as it covers my cheeks, my mouth, my eyes, my nose. Once I am fully submerged I use my foot to shut the water off prior to it overflowing onto the floor below. And then I relax.

Underneath the water I no longer feel so empty, so lost, so full of anxiety. I am simply existing on the cusp of something that could be both a beginning and an ending.

I float in this ethereal moment for as long as I can, enjoying the control it provides me. I imagine myself at the space center, the first time I joined Tripp and Auggie on an excursion. Tripp lived next door to me my whole life, but we had never hung out together before. I didn't expect him to be so sweet, kind, and caring. The entire day I spent with my cheeks flushed and my heart attempting to escape its confines.

When my lungs begin to protest, I pretend as if I can breathe underwater. I push my chest in and out in the mimicry of breath. It works for a few more moments to trick my body into believing I am actually giving it what it needs. I remember almost tumbling down the old stairs and Tripp catching me. The firm grip of his hands on my hips. Falling into the security of his warmth.

It doesn't last nearly long enough. After a few more replications, I am forced to exhale the air in my lungs and push myself out of the water.

Forced to come to the realization that I no longer have anyone to go to the planetarium at the space center with. That there's no one to catch me when I fall.

I hear screaming coming from down the hall and realize that no amount of escape can keep me from this reality. My parents are at it again.

Every night exactly like this since Auggie's death.

I quickly towel off and throw on comfortable clothes. I lift open my window and swing myself out and up. I use the ledge as leverage to push myself onto the roof.

The moon is absent, but the stars are my true goal. This was where Tripp and I would go to escape our day-to-day lives. Our families. Our responsibilities. Our realities.

This was where he promised he would wait for me, that we would last the one year apart. This was where I told him I loved him.

I stop the line of thought; I can't go down this memory lane again. Instead, I lay back and look at the stars.

After a few minutes, the roof next door catches my attention. It's where Tripp lived. Along with his brothers. Even Auggie would spend most of his time there growing up, but he never brought me along.

Movement on the roof has me squinting my eyes. I almost expect to see Auggie and Tripp, but whatever it is, I completely forget as brightness shrouds the night sky.

I return my attention to the sky just as it dulls and a single star begins to fall.

A shooting star.

I make a wish.

I wish to reunite with the ones I love .

Auggie, my brother. Tripp, my first love.

Guilt furrows deep in my belly and I don't give Tripp's roof any more attention… he isn't up there.

I am alone.

Tripp and Auggie are dead.

And it is my fault.