20. Chapter 20

Chapter twenty

I sucked in a deep breath as I opened my eyes and looked around wildly. Where was I? What happened? I squeezed my eyes shut and focused on my breathing. I couldn’t do anything until I gained control of my body.

Deep breath in. One. Two. Three. Deep breath out. One. Two. Three.

I did that a few more times until I wasn’t gasping for air and could think more rationally. I tried to think back to what had happened when a rush of memories flooded my mind.

Soren read my diary.

Their father arrived.

Bastian… Bastian was ready to kill me to leave. The wind knocked out of me at the realization.

I knew the father was dead. Emilia stabbed him multiple times, there is no way that he was able to survive that. But, I needed to see them all for myself. Needed reassurance.

I struggled to sit up as the pain radiated through my body. I gathered my strength, calling upon my powers, and could barely feel the slightest flicker. So they still weren’t back yet. Fine. At least it didn’t permanently erase them.

What was the blade? I shook my head. Something to worry about for later.

I swung my legs off the bed and sat there, exhausted. I looked up to the ceiling as I pushed off the bed and almost collapsed, my legs were so shaky that I could hardly stand straight. I strained as I caught myself by gripping the side table and then walking to the wall.

If this is how I would have to walk, then so be it. I slowly made my way out of my room by using the wall as support until I reached the door. I took a few deep breaths before glancing down the long hallway that led to the staircase.

Breathe. You can do this.

I pushed myself down the hall and threw myself against the stair railing. I wouldn’t have the energy to search for them and couldn’t use my powers to conjure my ball. I would have to call for them. Soren and Callum would come running, but I didn’t want Bastian anywhere near me.

What did mother say about a woman’s scorn?

“Your grace!” I looked down to find Callum racing up the stairs to get to me. “You shouldn’t be up. Your wounds aren’t healed!”

“Emilia?” I said her name with a groan.

“She hasn’t left her chambers since last night.” So, it has only been a full day since I have been asleep? My next question must have been written all over my face because he said, “I have checked in on her every hour.” I nodded. I would need to check on her myself right after I took care of one problem.

I narrowed my eyes and glanced down the steps. “Where are they?”

“Outside at the back of the castle.”

“Why?” Silence. I looked at him in a way that promised he would be next on my list of punishments if he didn’t speak up.

Still bowed, he answered, “Burying their father.”

“On my soil?” He nodded and I blanched. They dare to bury him on my lands.

I rushed down the steps but tripped over the nightdress that someone put me in and would have fallen down the stairs if Callum hadn't caught me.

“Get your hands off of me!” I pushed him back weakly. I wasn’t even strong enough to have him move even a single inch.

He took a step back as he followed me down the stairs using the railing until I reached the main floor. Then I used the walls until I had finally made it to the back doors that were already open. I was sweating. My entire body was hot. And I could feel something sticky dripping down my body and I knew that my wound was reopened. But I couldn’t focus on any of that.

No.

I couldn’t stop staring off into the distance at the two men digging a hole into the ground. My ground. My soil. Mine .

“Stop!” I ordered.

They stopped digging and turned to me. I couldn’t see their facial expressions from where they were, but I could see one of them drop the shovel and run toward me.

A head of bright blonde hair. The scholar.

He took the steps two at a time as he stood an inch before me, looking me over. “You shouldn’t be up. I just finished your sutures.” He looked toward my abdomen and went to touch it when I smacked his hand away. “Your wound reopened. I need to stitch you again. You’ve lost too much blood.”

“Enough.” I observed him more closely, the swelling of his cheek. I reached for him, touched the skin, and looked behind him at Bastian. He stood behind his brother, his head low. Raged filled me.

“I’m fine,” said Soren, in a sudden panic. “You know how many times Bast has punched me?”

“Shut up,” I spat, taking him by the chin, tears filling my eyes. I urged them to stay within my eyelids. “I told you not to move…to stay put. You never listen.”

“Perhaps I could still use some lessons on obedience? Should you still like to teach me?” I couldn’t smile, my body hurt too much. I pulled his chin forward, pressed my forehead to his, and rested there a moment. A silent thank you. Then, the fleeting moment escaped us when I heard the shuffling of dirt again.

“Did I give you permission to bury that monster on my lands?”

Bastian sucked in a breath. “No, but—”

I raised my hand, silencing him.

“You’re a coward. You couldn’t even muster up the strength to kill me when that’s all you have talked about day in and day out.”

“I am sorry.” His eyes stayed low.

“You still can’t look at me!”

He flinched.

I gathered enough energy to slap him. My hand stung from the contact and I fell forward, slamming into his body. His arms wrapped around me. I hated that my skin still heated under the contact, it felt like my body betrayed me as I wanted more than anything for him to say that it was all a bad dream.

I pushed off him and fell to the ground. “I never want to see you again. You were going to let me die.” My voice broke.

Bastian finally looked at me with a pained expression. “You stopped a monster, but this monster…” I pointed to my chest. “...this monster meant nothing to you. I wasn’t enough.” A sob broke through me, tearing my soul apart. “I. Wasn’t. Enough.”

He shook his head and tried to reach out to me, but thought better of it. “You don’t understand—”

“Stop,” I shouted, lifting my hands up. “Your father is dead. The head of the council is dead. Go back home and make it right. Rid the town of the Reaping. Fuck and marry whomever you wish. I don’t care .” Those last three words caught in my throat.

I told you to trust no one and look where it got you again.

I was so broken that I started hysterically laughing until the pain brought me back to the present.

“I want you gone by the time I wake tomorrow.” I could feel the pull of sleep calling to me. My head felt light, and knew it must be the blood loss.

“I am not leaving.”

“Then I will kill you,” I seethed. I needed to hurry; my mind was slipping away. I looked at their father, rolled up tightly in cloth. “Take that body with you. Or else I will leave him in the woods for the animals to devour.” My vision started to blur and I could feel my body drifting down to the ground until someone caught me just in time. I was weightless in someone’s arms, drifting back inside.

“Her fever is back. Shit.” I heard the sound of rustling and my nightgown ripping and then pain. Soren must be sewing my body back together. My mind wandered as he gave commands to various people in the room.

Then, I could hear quiet sobs.

Emilia? Her voice brought me back to reality, and I tried my best to open my eyes and see her pained expression above me. She was sitting on the bed, crying.

Oh, Emilia.

I tried to talk, but it hurt. My throat was so scratchy. She leaned over to the small table and raised a rag above me, dripping some water into my mouth.

I swallowed and then asked, “Are you alright?”

She shook her head. “Me? I’m not the one who was stabbed and—” She bit her tongue and lowered her head.

I knew what she was thinking about, but I had done my best to not think about it. I couldn’t think about how his calloused hands felt against my skin, his hot breath wanting to make me vomit. I wanted to forget that it ever happened, but I couldn’t. Not when I looked into Emilia’s eyes and saw the pain that she was going through by seeing him again and knowing what taking his life meant for her.

I pushed past my own feelings and said, “Emilia, please don’t mourn for killing that monster. He deserved it for everything he did to you. I am just sorry you were the one to do it. That I didn’t have the strength to fight him.”

“And what about you?” She was near hysterics, staring at me with wide eyes.

“What?” My heart began to beat irregularly.

“Stop being strong for us. You were assaulted, too.” I tensed at the word. She must have seen this reaction as she lowered her voice. “You are always putting others before yourself, even after everything.”

“I just wanted to protect you.” My voice trembled, barely above a whisper.

“You did,” she urged. “You have protected me for twenty years. Always taking care of me when I had my spells, my tantrums, giving me food when we were running low… I remember everything.”

I wanted nothing more than to shield her from all the horrors of the world, and if I had the means, I would resurrect him just to make him suffer more for the rest of eternity.

When I turned my head, she continued, “You act as though you are so tough, invincible, but you aren’t. You care so much. We can all see it.”

I opened my mouth to protest, but nothing she said was wrong.

“You push us away and keep us at arms-length to protect your heart.” She grabbed my hands and brought them to her chest, willing me to hear her. “Why do you think Callum and I have stayed by your side? We love you.”

I shook my head, pulled my hands out of her grasp, and winced from the sudden movement. “Please stop…” I dug my fingernails into my palms and bit back the sob that threatened to escape. “Loving you will destroy me.”

Her shoulders slumped at hearing my words—my truth. I know she seemed to believe her words, but I heard nothing but lies. There was no plausible reason why she would love me. The only reasonable answer was that she wanted to keep me alive. I didn’t tell her any of this as I knew she would insist on her sincerity.

Without another thought, she grabbed my shoulders and embraced me. I tensed as her shoulders shook, and she cried on my shoulder. It only took a few moments before my body began to shake uncontrollably as the weight of what that monster did to me and what he could have done began to settle into my bones.

I allowed myself this one moment of weakness, and I clutched her even closer to me, digging my fingers into her back as we used each other to mourn.

Hours passed and as tired as I was, I couldn’t fall asleep. I sent Emilia away under the pretense that I needed rest, but really I couldn’t look into her eyes any longer. Our conversation took more out of me than I cared to admit.

“Just let me in to see her!” Someone shouted.

Silence, then another voice saying, “You betrayed her in the worst way possible. You need to leave before she wakes up and finds you still here.” More silence and then that same voice said a little more delicately. “Just let her rest Bastian, her body needs it, as well as her mind.”

Callum and the hunter.

I didn’t hear anything else until someone opened the door. I looked over to find Callum carrying a bowl in his hands. “You’re awake.”

I continued staring at him as he walked over and set the bowl down on the side table.

“Where is it? The blade?” I didn’t want to hear any more lies. Not from him.

“How about you worry about it when you’ve rested?” I didn’t like his answer, but I was too exhausted to fight with him.

He grabbed the spoon that was in the bowl, scooped a small amount, and brought it to my lips. I closed my mouth. I didn’t have an appetite.

“Your grace, you must eat if you want to heal.” He sighed, and I could hear him standing there. “Just please eat something when you feel up to it.”

I closed my eyes and curled up into a ball slow enough that my sutures wouldn’t rupture, I didn’t want to see anyone else.

I heard the door close and tears lined my eyes. I tucked my chin to my chest and begged them not to come, but they didn’t listen, and my body shook from the resistance. I was so tired of crying. So tired of trying to be someone that everyone wanted me to be. Whom I would never be.

I sat there in silence until her voice made another appearance. It was just us. Again.

No one loves you.

“Emilia said she did. Even Callum… Maybe…” I gave myself a single moment to hope before shutting my heart down once more.

No one loves you.

“No one loves me.” I parroted Circe.

Everyone hates you.

“Everyone hates me.”

You hurt everyone who loves you.

“I hurt everyone who loves me.”

I fell asleep to her repeating over and over again.