16. Chapter 16

Chapter sixteen

I wrapped myself with the blanket Soren had used to cover me last night and started walking toward the dining hall.

Wake up. Eat. Garden. Fuck Callum. Eat. Repeat.

Though that was slowly changing wasn’t it? Soren and Bastian were turning my world upside down, and even though the past few weeks hadn’t been easy, they had been lively. I thought back to last night and thought of another word: transformative.

There was no other word for Soren's feat in getting me to fall into a deep slumber. Even if it was only for a few hours.

I stopped by one of the glass doors leading outside and saw the landscape covered in a blanket of snow. The light that hit the snow made it look like there were millions of stars twinkling amongst the morning haze.

It was so beautiful that it made my heart catch. Winter always did that to me, reminding me of a simpler time.

I opened the door, wanting to feel the bite of the chill air, when something startled me. I gripped the handle of the door and heard two young girls squealing in delight as they rushed past me and jumped, flying through the air and landing in a mountain of snow.

“Slow down! Don’t hurt yourself!”

I snapped my eyes to the woman next to me. She was wrapped in her winter coat lined in ermine fur. Her chin was high, hair wrapped into a braided bun atop her head with a crown pinned in.

“Mother,” I choked out.

I couldn’t move, frozen in place as she rolled her eyes and braved the outdoors for her daughters.

I remembered this day; I was ten and Belle was five. I followed after Mother barefoot, not caring that my feet burned from the cold snow. I would burn in Hell for eternity if that meant I could live in this moment forever.

I saw the younger me surge up through the snow, shivering. Laughing.

Belle surged up, but she had her arms crossed with a scowl on her little face.

“Hey! You cheated, sister!”

My hand flew to my mouth, covering it, as I choked back a sob. I hadn’t paid close attention to the last memory in Belle’s room as I was too shocked by their sudden appearance to take it all in. This time I listened to the nuances in their tones. How high-pitched and sweet Belle sounded even when she was scolding me. She acted just like Mother.

I could see myself sigh. “Please forgive me. I should have let you have a head start since your legs are so little!” She flew forward and grabbed Annabelle’s feet, making her squeal some more and wiggle out of her arms.

Belle only made it a few steps before dropping into a crouch and then looking back with a wicked grin right before throwing a snowball directly at my face.

Younger me screamed as it hit her straight on. From the corner of my eye, I could see my mother covering her mouth, holding back her laughter. I stared at her as I could hear more screaming in front of us. She was looking at us with so much love in her heart. I didn’t have to decipher what she was feeling; it was clearly visible on her face. I remembered that she always wore her heart on her sleeve.

I looked back over and saw myself gathering snow into a ball. I grinned broadly at Belle as she was pleading, “No, no! I didn’t mean it!”

She turned and ran as I threw the ball at her back and hit it square on. Not hard enough to hurt her. I would never hurt her.

“Oh! Now you’ve done it!” She hurried and rolled a ball of snow, throwing it as hard as her arm could, and I saw myself dodging it right at the last second. Which only enraged Belle further.

Mother stood there watching us with such amusement lining her face and I spent the time watching her. Trying to memorize her face, the color of her eyes, how her hair shined under the light, how she stood. All of it. Begging her to say something else, anything else.

When she didn’t, I walked down the steps onto the landing and walked to where Belle was once again crouched in the snow, getting another snowball ready. I bent down next to her and lightly brought my hand up so I could skim her laughing face lightly.

“I miss you so much.”

I bit back a sob as I heard Mother call over my shoulder, “It’s time for lessons, girls!”

I turned to look at her, but the image faded before I could get another look. When I turned back, I was once again alone.

Isolated. Forever alone.

I bent my head, wrapped my arms around my body, and screamed in frustration.

“If you are going to show me these images, the least you can do is allow it to last longer than a moment!”

I wasn’t sure who I was screaming at or why I was seeing these memories to begin with. Maybe it was the last stage of me completely losing my mind?

I could barely feel my body shaking, getting soaked through to the bone from sitting on the wet ground. I had stopped caring about anything as I sat there staring at nothing in particular. Willing the memory to come back. Or any other memory to present itself to me and take me away from my miserable existence.

“Your majesty!”

I didn’t even look as someone came into view.

Soren. A worried Soren, by the crinkle in his forehead.

“Why are you out here?” He was searching all over for injuries and then looked back into my eyes when I didn’t respond. What injuries could I possibly get?

He wasted no time in reaching forward and lifting me into his arms. I knew he was strong, but I didn’t realize just how strong. I looked up at his face while he barked orders at someone in front of us.

I was brought inside, Soren’s face shadowed by the dark halls, and taken back into a room where Callum was stoking a fire. I wanted to tell them I was fine, but when Soren sat me down, I looked at my toes and saw that they were a deep purple.

“I wonder how much longer it would have taken until someone would have had to amputate?” I muttered.

Emilia chastised me, “That isn’t funny, your majesty. Please don’t jest like that.”

I had spoken my thoughts aloud again? I sighed, annoyed that everyone was fussing over nothing.

“You all realize that I can’t die. Right?” This time, I was able to find my voice and address them. I looked around to see everyone in here except for Bastian. “What? The hunter is the only one not worried about me?”

“It’s not that he doesn’t care.” Callum tried to come up with an excuse.

“Don’t lie.”

“He is still brooding.”

Of course, he was. I scoffed because I expected nothing less.

The heat helped to thaw my toes enough to be able to move them slightly, getting circulation through my veins. A cup entered my eyesight which was being held out by a worried Emilia.

Why was everyone so worried?

“I am not thirsty.”

“It’s hot tea. I added a few herbs from the greenhouse to help aid in your recovery,” Emilia said softly.

“You know better than anyone that I am a few moments from being healed.”

“Humor us, please,” Soren pressed.

I lifted my hand through the blanket and took the mug. I sniffed it, peppermint. I took a sip and allowed the scalding tonic to work its magic and fix me because, apparently, my magic wasn’t enough.

I stared into the fire, watching the flames as I heard Callum and Soren settle themselves. Emilia stayed kneeling at my side.

I knew there was much to talk about and handle and I didn’t want to disappoint her, but the trek to the cottage wouldn’t be possible until the snow cleared slightly. It was too dangerous in these conditions. Not admitting, even to myself, that I was relieved she would be delayed.

“Your majesty…” I glanced at her from the side. “I am not going to leave until the snow clears.”

I breathed a sigh of relief and then wondered if she had powers and could read minds.

“You’re leaving?” Callum asked.

She looked over to him, explaining, “Her Majesty has graciously accepted my offer of being the new go-between for the children.”

“But–”

“But nothing, Callum.”

“Is this about us?” Soren wasn’t asking me. Emilia looked at him and then quickly looked away. “Please don’t leave on our account. This is your home. We can stay away from you… We can…” His voice trailed off.

Her head was bowed. “I can’t live here with the sons of that man, and you can’t leave. It’s either you stay or you die.”

We were both looking at Soren as he stood and walked over to us, determination set in his features. Emilia tensed the closer he came.

“I am so very sorry, and I know that doesn’t make up for what happened, but maybe…” He took a deep breath. “Take my life.”

I sat up straighter. What was he doing?

Emilia’s mouth opened in shock. “Pardon?”

“I am not my father, but I’m close enough. If that’s what it will take for you to receive the justice that you deserve then so be it.”

He produced a knife from under his shirt and presented it to her. She stared down at it as he took her hand and placed it into her palm, closing her hand over the handle. Soren then brought it up until the blade lined up with his heart.

No one said anything. Was this actually happening? Soren was going to be a sacrificial lamb for his father’s sins? I couldn’t allow Soren to die, and I wouldn’t allow Emilia to go down my path—allow her heart to be tainted forever.

Before I could stop her, she let go of the knife and leaned into him, her head on his shoulder as she sobbed. My body relaxed while I sat there staring at Soren, who hesitantly placed his hand on her back and stroked it tenderly.

I bundled myself closer to the fire, wanting to give them space to have their moment, healing wounds from a man who deserved to be six feet under. I made a silent promise that the next human I killed would be that man. I didn’t know how, but I’d do it. He’d hurt Emilia, and he’d hurt my boys.

Your boys? Circe’s voice teased.

I shut my eyes, willing myself not to reply to her.

The hunter loathes you. Every night, he thinks of new ways to kill you. Why would you protect him?

“Because he is my responsibility,” I whispered, my voice low and unnoticed. I looked over to find Callum wiping a tear from his face. We both knew what this meant to Emilia.

Emilia’s body started to slow. She moved away from Soren’s shoulder and tried to talk. I knew her throat was paining her when she massaged it, and then brought her hands up and signed, I am sorry for attacking you.

Soren was confused. I realized he didn’t know the hand language that Emilia, Callum, and I knew, so I translated.

“No, please. You have nothing to apologize for.”

If I don’t, then neither do you. Emilia replied, meaning every word.

She gave Soren a half smile. I could tell that she looked at him in a completely different light now. He had proved himself to her. Proved that something good could come from that town. That good could be born from evil.

He nodded and gave her a lopsided grin of his own.

“I’ll leave you all to do whatever it is you do at this time of the day.”

He stood, and Emilia signed, You don’t need to go. She had accepted him so quickly into our group, or whatever this was.

He bowed, smiling to himself.

“Thank you for the invitation, but there is a castle that needs cleaning.”

“The castle will be here tomorrow. Stay.” I didn’t necessarily order him, more like offered.

He nodded at me. “Thank you.”

He took a seat on the couch next to Callum.

Emilia got up as well and situated herself back in the chair.

Callum clapped his hands together once and said, “Does anyone want to play a game?” We all looked at him, knowing how well the last game went. He rubbed the back of his head and said, “A different game, I promise you will all enjoy it.”

They all laughed. I sat back and watched them while Callum went over the rules of his game. The other two were excited to play, finally finding some common ground. They were all laughing, and I absentmindedly brought my hand up and rubbed the side of my mouth. The corners of my mouth had curved slightly, and I could feel my chest wanting to expand into what I could imagine would be laughter, but I refrained.

When was the last time I had laughed? Genuinely laughed?

I wasn’t sure that I could even remember how.

Part of me wished that Bastian would come and join, but he wasn’t ready yet. He would need a little more time. Or rather, maybe a lot of time. I sighed and rested my head on my knees, smiling while watching them.

This could work. My life could be more than mere existence. So much more. With all of them. These humans—people—knew that part of me and didn’t hide. They didn’t fear me.

But, that’s exactly what they are…humans. You will never be one of them.

Circe.

Have you forgotten what you lost? You know your curse means you will lose it all again. That when they are dead and rotting in the earth, I will be all you have left.

She was right. Fuck. She was always right.

They would die and I would be here, all alone.

Isolated. Unloved. Cursed.

I turned my back to them and stared into the fire.