11. Chapter 11

Chapter eleven

“ E milia?”

I had gone up to her chambers almost immediately after Callum left. He was right. I had avoided her for too long.

I pushed the doors open and was surprised to find the curtains drawn, as she usually enjoyed having them open to stare out of the windows. Not even with my sharp eyesight could I make out anything in her room.

“Emilia?” I called out again.

Purple shadows surrounded my hand and lit up the space enough for me to see Emilia huddled on her bed, hands wrapped around her knees, eyes staring straight ahead at nothing.

I walked swiftly to the bed and sat down next to her, not touching her. I didn’t want to startle her out of her trance. I sat there and looked her over to see if she harmed herself. I didn’t find anything wrong, and as my eyes made their way back up to her face, I found that she was looking at me.

“I am so angry. I have never felt so angry before.” Her face was hard, full of fury.

“I know.” I did know. I knew exactly what she was feeling, and I didn’t want that for her.

“I hate them.” Her voice was full of menace.

“You hate their father,” I corrected.

“Are they not a product of their maker?”

“Are you?” I shouldn’t have been as harsh, but I needed her to know that they were not him.

Her eyes widened, taken aback.

I sighed. “You need to find a way to come to terms with this.”

“I don’t think I can.”

“You must try.” She didn’t answer me, her eyes downcast. “I’ve been inside their heads, Emilia. Both of them have been victims of their father in different ways…both hate the Reapings. They share blood with a monster, but that doesn’t make them one.”

My own words wrecked me, and I thought of my father. The burnings. My eyes began to sting. What was happening to me?

“When I look at them, I see him .”

I reached up, wanting to push some hair back behind her ear, like I used to do with Belle, but resisted. Emilia rarely liked being touched. I sat with her until she fell back asleep, both of us breathing the tense air without another word spoken. I watched her slumber like I did when she was a child, her chest rising and falling. I should have let Mariam take her to a village to find a new family, just as I had with all the other children. Instead, she reminded me of Belle, and I kept her like a doll. A play thing. I’d done the same to Callum.

You spread misery , Circe said.

I got up and left her room, wanting the balcony—the night air. Too much had happened in such a short amount of time that I had barely taken a moment to think about the ramifications. I constantly went back and forth between letting them go and doing exactly what Emilia wished and kill them.

I aimlessly walked through the halls of the castle, not bothering to pay attention to my surroundings. I had been here so long that I could navigate the passageways blindfolded.

So, I did just that. I closed my eyes and let my body move freely, wherever it wished. I didn’t know how long I kept my eyes closed until I was done and ready to head up for a bath, but when I opened my eyes I was shocked.

Why was I here?

I dropped my head and ground my teeth together, rooted to the spot, unable to move my feet. Why would my body bring me here?

I took a deep breath, staring down at the bottom step of the staircase leading to the West Wing. I roved my eyes slowly up, taking in the intricate circular carvings engraved on the wood, doing my best to avoid the inevitable.

And when there were no more carvings to look at, I raised my eyes even more and found myself trembling under the heavy gaze of the corridor. A place I hadn’t been in hundreds of years, I didn’t even dare pass by these steps, avoiding the area completely.

I turned away and started back toward my chambers, telling myself that too much had changed. I wasn’t ready to reopen old wounds that I would rather stay scarred. I was down the hall before I stopped, my mind not allowing me to take another step.

Was there a reason that I was supposed to come here tonight? Little Annabelle, were you trying to tell me something?

I reluctantly moved back toward the staircase. Staring up into the abyss, the darkness of my past. I could see that day so clearly which was the main reason I stayed away. I didn’t want to revisit that moment. The running. Screaming. Pleading. Killing. Devastation. Chaos.

It was all too much. I took a few deep breaths, clearing my mind. And placed one foot on a step. My heart was beating so fast that it would have beat out of my chest if possible. I almost conjured my venin , but if I was going to go there again, I wanted to attempt to stay clear-headed. Respect for them—for her.

I slowly made my way up the staircase, staring at my feet the whole way up, too ashamed to hold my head high. I made it up to the landing, and I felt lightheaded, took a few deep breaths to try and get my bearings. I was stronger than this. They were dead, and I was alive. Immortal. I was stronger than this, wasn’t I?

I took another deep breath and started walking. Nothing had changed.

I made my way over to her door. If I thought that walking up the stairs was hard enough, opening her door made me want to burst into flames. My hands were shaking as I pushed the door open, an audible squeak filled the room.

The room itself was shrouded in darkness, the only light coming in was from between the curtains. The daunting shadows cast throughout the room had me on edge. I dared not touch a thing, not wanting to tarnish her memory. I conjured a ball of purple shadows in my hands and walked around. Nothing had changed besides a thin layer of dust that coated every surface.

Her four-poster bed was against the far left side of the room in the middle of the wall, drapes hung down from the posts. She had a vanity that was situated in front of the window across from her bedroom door. She loved to look out over the grounds. Her bathing chamber was across from the bed and her boudoir to the right of that. She had a couple of shelves that held all of her most personal items. Her walls were covered in the paper that adorned this entire wing; gold-plated leaves of varying sizes.

I left it just how she had it when she died. I left this entire wing the way it was after that fateful day and moved myself to the South Wing. It was the furthest point away.

As if my mind conjured it, figures materialized out of thin air. Mother had rushed into Belle’s room and I heard coughing from the bed. I heard Annabelle’s voice and gasped, clasping my hand over my mouth.

People rushed all around me. It was pure chaos. There was no other word for it.

I remembered this. Was this a manifestation of a past memory? Everyone looked exactly as they had. What was happening? This couldn’t be real!

A trail of blood littered the floor all the way to Belle’s bed, where she was bathed in it. No one had been able to staunch the bleeding and the doctor was on his way here.

“Is she alright?” I could see myself asking.

No one listened.

“Is my sister alive?” I was still being ignored.

Father rushed past me. “Someone tell me what happened now!” Everyone stopped what they were doing, flinching in the process. No one spoke up. He looked to the man who brought her in. “Tell me.”

The man bowed. “We found her in the forest. An animal attack.”

“Why was she alone?”

No one answered. She wasn’t watched, and now she was on the verge of death.

I looked over to the doorway, knowing what I would see.

I watched as Circe grabbed my younger self on the shoulder and dragged me slightly behind the door, but not far enough away that Annabelle wasn’t visible.

I walked over to them and heard myself whisper just low enough so that only she could hear me, “Save her!”

She narrowed her eyes. “You know I can’t.”

I pleaded, “Please!”

She hushed me. “Enough.”

“I will do anything.”

She looked away and sighed. She wasn’t going to do it.

Her eyes met mine again.

“If she miraculously heals, then they will know it is magic. I will die.”

“But…it’s my sister. Your princess.”

Circe regarded me with kind eyes, but her expression was stern.

“Belle walked in on you using your magic, and what was the first thing she said?”

“That I was an animal… That father would burn me like all the other animals.” I was crying now, rather hysterically. “She didn’t mean it… She’s just a child. I know she didn’t mean it.”

“And yet, you were not the animal she needed to fear.” Circe frowned, and I waited for her to tear up, like all the other weeping men and women around us, but she just stared forward.

“What did you do?”

Circe bowed her head, but the corners of her mouth barely lifted before settling back into a grimace. But I caught it. I was too in shock to know what it meant at the time, but I caught it.

I knew everything that would happen next, but my body went numb, and I tuned everyone out beside her . I left the vision of me and Circe, walked over to the side of Belle’s bed, and sat down. I had panicked last time and could hardly look at her as she laid in this bed, but this time I would take it in. Memorize her beautiful little face.

I reached my hand out and began to rub away the blood, but my hand went right through her face. I snatched my hand away, not wanting to disturb the image before me. I hesitantly reached out my hand and hovered it right above her cheek. Blood was smeared everywhere. It was probably over her entire body, but the sheet covered her enough that I could only imagine what it looked like.

Her eyes fluttered open and stared straight ahead—straight at me. My heart dropped as it looked like she could see right through the mirage and was truly here. In the flesh.

And then the next moment she closed her eyes and her chest ceased to move.

“Why isn’t her chest moving?” I heard myself ask.

Chaos ensued. Though I didn’t care as the image slowly faded away into nothing.

The last of my childhood, my innocence, left the moment she drew her last breath. I felt something wet on my face and brought my hand up, wiping away tears that had escaped.

Something inside me snapped.

I screamed out, not caring who heard me. Needing to purge the emotions that had started to make their way to the surface. I picked up a candelabra from a nearby desk and threw it at the wall causing a large tear in the fabric of the paper. I clamped my hands over my mouth and held onto the bed column for support. More tears formed in my eyes, my entire body shaking. I blinked them back, rushed out of the room, slammed the door, and dropped to the ground. The door held me up as I sat there, cursing myself for disturbing Belle’s room. I would fix it later, but I couldn’t go back in there right now. Not with all of these wretched emotions so fresh in my mind.

I hurried down the steps, not wanting to be there any longer. The anger had slightly dissipated and all that was left was the guilt. I knew just what I needed to make myself forget about everything. I went in search of Callum’s room.

I didn’t find him in his chambers, so I went to the only other place where he would be. His favorite place in the entire castle—the battlements facing North.

It didn’t take me long to find him sitting atop one of the edges of the battlement on the castle's Northside, staring off into the distance. I approached him, rested my hands on the flat surface next to him, and followed his line of sight, still in his peripherals.

I knew why he enjoyed coming up here:. the view was endless. Rolling green mountains went as far as the naked eye could see, littered with trees and valleys. The castle was situated on the summit of a large hill and aside from the strategic reason for its placement, the panoramic view was spectacular.

Years ago, when the sun wasn’t hiding behind the fog, it was one of the most beautiful things I had ever seen. The way that the sun would cast its light across the varying passes and turn everything into magnificent hues of oranges and yellows.

A sight to behold.

“You should have seen it when the sun graced us with its presence.”

Callum jumped so high that he was millimeters from falling to his death, just as I grabbed him and ensured that he didn’t.

“Your grace!” Callum gripped the edges hard as he tried to calm his rapidly beating heart. He didn’t waste another moment before he hurried down from his seated position and stood next to me, his chest still rising and falling quickly.

He looked exactly how I felt on the inside. Though I had calmed down and was completely drained of energy. I didn’t even have the desire to fuck him. Intriguing.

I looked back over the view and stood there while he hesitantly stepped closer. We didn’t say anything for a long time and just stared.

Feeling a little scattered?

Yes , I answered her truthfully, in my mind. Lying to her would do no good, she was a part of my subconscious.

I felt like I was out of my element, even more so when I took a step to Callum’s side, searching for his warmth. He didn’t move and instead allowed me to lean into him, use him once more, but in a different way. A way that I knew he had been craving ever since he decided to stay.

The breeze blew past us, chilling the air to near-freezing temperatures, yet he didn’t move though I could feel his body trembling. He tried to hide it, to prolong my touch, but I straightened, ready to go back inside.

I turned when he asked, “May I ask you something?”

I dropped my head slightly, unsure if I had the strength, but then nodded and turned back to him.

“What is it about Bastian?”

“There is something about him that is hidden from us. Something that he is keeping a secret even from himself. Why do you ask?”

“For many years, it has just been the three of us, and while I hate to admit it, I am a bit jealous. But my love for you is not fickle. If you wish to take another, I will continue to stand by you. Join you even.”

“Oh?”

“I’ve thought about it,” he admitted. “It’s been on my mind…and you are always so honest with what you want. Why shouldn’t I be?”

He was pouring his heart out to me.

With a sigh, he continued, “Does Bastian mean something to you? If so, then I will do everything in my power to help him transition into his new life.”

Does he mean something to me?

“I don’t know what he is to me. I am just as tempted to kill him as I am to fuck him. Eventually, we will both understand each other, but until we do, things will be tense.”

“And Soren?”

I grinned at the thought of him.

“I think he’ll be happy with the library for the next fifty years.”

Callum laughed at the thought.

“He’s different. His mind works so frantically, but there is some brilliance in it, I suppose. He never stops talking about his travels, either.”

“We will never bore between the two.” I paused and blinked slowly. “What happened with the chair… What I said…”

“I haven’t the faintest idea what you’re talking about, your grace.”

My chest warmed, and for a moment, with the memory of Belle so fresh, I let myself give him a weak smile.

I left him to gaze at the sights some more as I went to go see a few of my own.

I entered Soren’s chambers, considering his travels more seriously. He was lying back against his headboard, reading a book next to the flickering flames of candlelight.

He sat up in the bed and put the book next to him. “Your majesty?”

I reached the bed, lifted my dress to my knees, and crawled over to him.

“What—What are you doing?”

I placed my hands on either side of his head and commanded, “I do not wish to go searching through your memories. I do not have the patience. So, I need you to think hard about your favorite place that you have traveled to.”

I gave him just less than a minute to think before diving in. It took a moment to truly understand what it was that I was seeing.

The sound hit me first, a sound that I had never heard, and I didn’t have the vocabulary to accurately describe. But it was loud. Booming.

I was standing next to Soren on a wide expanse of what I could only imagine was sand. An enormous amount of hard sand squished beneath my bare feet. I was blinded while trying to make direct eye contact with the water from the way in which the sun was hitting it.

I heard the loud booming sound again and looked to my right to find that there were cliffs on which the water was pounding. Slowly chiseling away at the landscape with how hard the water was crashing. Particles sprayed everywhere. I almost wanted to stand under its shower and taste it.

I saw movement next to me and turned back to find that Soren was wiping a single tear from his eye. I knew he agreed with me. This. This was the most beautiful view that I had ever seen in my entire life—no, existence.

I could feel emotions of awe, shock, love, sadness, happiness; an array of feelings all bottled into one and all for this experience. It was overwhelming, and I soon followed suit, with tears slowly forming in my eyes. I couldn’t help it. I sank to my knees and just watched the water reach my fingers and then retract, only to do the same dance over and over again.

Is this what was out there? This is what I had been missing?

What brought me joy a moment ago brought nothing but pain. And regret. And then the anger was back. I would never see this for myself. Never experience this for myself. I thought that I would be able to see the world through his mind, but it was just another reminder of something that I would never have.

I left his mind abruptly and sank back on my knees, sitting there as he caught his breath, drained from me going inside of his mind.

“Did you find what it was you were looking for?”

“Yes.”

“And?”

“Was that the ocean?”

“Yes, that particular mass of water is located in France’s southern region. That was my first time seeing it, and it was magnificent.”

The past hit me violently, the way it often did. Everything I’d lost then, and everything that never was. If I had never discovered my magic, never met Circe… Though it wouldn’t have mattered, I would have been married off to whomever my father wished and been stuck in another type of prison. Forced to fuck and produce more heirs, continuing the cycle.

I didn’t wish to talk about it, so I asked, “What is your question?”

He was learning quickly as he didn’t push the conversation further and answered my question, “I thought I had more time. I am not prepared.”

Lies , Circe sang.

“I do not enjoy being lied to, scholar.”

“It is not necessarily a lie, rather, I have too many to narrow it down to only one.”

“Tick tock. When I leave this room our deal is over.”

“What is your name?” He said without wasting another moment.

I was dumbfounded once again. Would I ever not be at a loss for words around this male?

“Out of everything that you could possibly ask, that is what you wish to know?”

“I have been wondering about your name ever since I was ten years old.”

I gripped the poster of the bed and said without turning around, “That is information you don’t need to be privy to. You will only ever address me as your grace or your majesty , so my name is irrelevant.”

“But–”

“I don’t need to explain myself to an impudent boy like yourself and—”

“Stop calling me boy. You know my name. You’re not that old, anyway.”

“I am far older than you can comprehend.”

He narrowed his eyes, not in anger but in thought.

“Is that why you don’t consider yourself a human? I thought it was your magic,” and then panicked, “That’s not my question.”

He sat back, crossed his arms, and stared at me some more.

I lifted my eyes to the ceiling, tired. I was so tired.

“If that is all, then I will take my leave.”

“You have yet to answer my question per our agreement.”

“Then ask me anything else, but my patience is running low,” I warned.

“Her name was Léna. She was one of the chosen from my village when she was eleven years old, and I was ten. They sent her out and I was going to follow her and save her before the beast got to her.” He loved this girl, however much a child could love another child. I narrowed my eyes at him as he continued, “She was short, had thin brown hair that reached just below her chin, and wore a white dress with chiffon around the edges.”

“You remember her dress?”

“Yes.”

I had looked through his memories that first day he came and knew exactly what girl he was talking about. Léna… The small girl who had shown up in a beautiful dress and had such polite manners. I remembered her well.

“So, what is it that you wish to know?”

“Where is she?”

“Why? Do you wish to see her?”

His throat bobbed. “I just wish to know what happened to her. Is she being taken care of?”

A pang of jealousy coursed through me. They were mine the moment they stepped on my land, and now he wants to leave for her ?

Circe tsked . Everyone always leaves you. It is inevitable.

I bit back my retort, focusing solely on Soren.

I could tell that he saw a change in my demeanor, so he held up his hands, not knowing what to do.

He tried to explain himself. “I do not wish to seek her out. I merely wanted to satiate my curiosity and worry. I never found out what happened after you found the children, and before I could investigate, I was shipped off to a private boarding school.”

Still, I said nothing, considering what the information meant to him—how long could I hold it over his head? But then I thought about Annabelle, Emilia, and what I would do if I were in his position, hunting for the truth. I would stop at nothing; I would need to know what happened.

I sighed, my resolve waning. “I remember your friend. She had a birthmark on her upper arm that was visible out of the bottom of the sleeve of her dress. I normally don’t remember the children, but she stuck out.” I clasped my hands behind my back. “I sent her with Mariam, my liaison for the children. There are little towns all over. Mariam would spread them out to orphanages or families looking to home them.”

He swallowed. “She could have been sent to an orphanage?”

“Better than dead in the woods, wouldn’t you say? I apologize for not having an extensive book of eligible families looking for sacrificed children in my library, Soren.”

“Why couldn’t you have kept her,” he whispered, just loud enough for me to hear.

“What did you say?” I said loudly, my voice snapping.

His eyes found mine, and there was a hint of defiance. “You could have kept her, just like you did Emilia. At least then, I’d know she was safe.”

I stared at him like he had two heads.“How did you know about Emilia?”

“It was a guess,” he said simply, “that you just confirmed.”

I blinked and felt the rage inside me simmer. He didn’t know what his father did to Emilia before he left her for dead.

“Emilia is special,” I told him without shame. “She has seen horrors, horrors your sweet little Léna never had to endure. You cannot understand why Emilia is a part of my soul, and for that, you should be grateful. You have spent your life soaking up the privileges that come with the second-born son. You have never understood what it is like to be an outcast… To be truly different, and have the entire world hate you for it—to be chosen to suffer. You do not understand horror or true loss.” I stopped, feeling the rage shift inside me, twist there until a sadness overcame me.

“I overstepped.”

“You talk too much,” I said sharply. “Your head paints a rather beautiful image of the world, Soren. Wouldn’t you like to keep it that way?”

He didn’t respond.

“Keep that in mind before you ask your next question.”

“I overstepped,” he said again, slowly. “Thank you for what you did for Léna. You have no idea how much that has been weighing on my soul all this time.”

Something changed in him at that moment. He wasn’t just looking at me as though I was a mystery he wanted to solve, but rather, something precious. Someone worthy of his affections. I had tried to scare him, and it hadn’t worked.

I removed myself from his gaze and was about to head to the dining hall when Soren asked, “I have a request.”

“I have told you that you get one question,” I snapped, my temper shorter than normal.

“Not a question. A request.”

“Hurry up.”

Just then, we both heard his chamber doors opening. Bastian said, “Ren, let’s go to breakfast before the witch scolds us with her venom for being late.”

At that same moment, I felt something sharp glide across my arm. I didn’t even flinch at the pain that radiated as the object made contact. I swung my head back to find Soren holding a knife dripping with my blood and a small cut on my upper arm.

“Ren!”

I could hear Bastian yell as I grabbed the knife from his hand, gripped his hair and yanked it back, exposing his throat, and held the point of the knife there. The room went silent and I seethed, a sense of betrayal washed over me. Moments earlier, I’d shared a tender moment with him.

“Do not think that just because I have allowed you to stay here, alive , means that I won’t kill you.”

Soren’s eyes widened. “I was only—”

“Let him go!” Bastian demanded.

“Hunter, order me around one more time and I will slit his throat and force you to watch him die in front of you.” I could see him take another step forward, so I pushed the blade further into Soren’s throat. “Do not test me.”

Soren swallowed, wincing as the knife nicked him, and held his breath. After a moment, I lowered the knife and dropped it on the bed.

Soren took in a large breath, hand covering his throat, and whispered, “You aren’t human after all… Fascinating.”

“You fucking bastard!” Bastian wracked his hands through his hair, pulling at the ends.

What was wrong with him? His brother was right, he was completely unhinged.