1. Shana

1

SHANA

THIRTY-TWO DAYS LATER

" B ut…" I protest.

Kyle gives a sheepish shrug.

"Shana, all I can tell you is that?—"

"No!" I exclaim before he finishes.

Leah, one of the girls from the jungle group, steps over, placing a hand on Kyle's shoulder.

"Perhaps I can help, Doctor?" she asks.

He gives her a look of absolute relief, looks at me quickly, then almost scurries away. Leah takes my hands in hers. I stare at hers. She's tanned like almost all of us are, but still darker than me. My own skin tends to be fair, and I'll burn long before a tan will ever set in. A side-effect of the red hair, genetically speaking.

Will it have red hair too?

"Shana, it's okay," Leah says. "I know it's scary, but we know how to handle this. Look at Nadiya, she's as happy as?—"

"You don't understand," I yell, jerking my hands free.

I slide off of the exam table. The stupid paper gown rustles while I look around for where I left my pants.

"Okay," Leah says, not arguing the point. "Would you mind telling me about it?"

I stop. She's behind me and I can't force myself to turn. I don't want to talk about it. I sure as hell don't want to tell anyone about it. But it's not her words that make me pause. It's the tone of her voice. The kindness and in some indefinable way, the understanding, even without knowing what I'm thinking.

The moment stretches until it feels way too long. It may only be a second or three, I don't know. All I know is my head is spinning and my heart is racing. I swallow, trying to force moisture back into my mouth and somehow clear the lump in my throat.

Leah doesn't say anything. Waiting. Patient. The air kicks in with a rattling whir, the only thing breaking the weight of silence. My eyes are dry and burning, but the pressure behind them continues to build. If it doesn't release soon, they will have to explode. How much can they withstand?

"I…" the word is the only thing that comes out. My throat clenches shut as my hands spasm into tight fists. I expect her to say something. To push. Or to touch me. But she doesn't. She waits and I do too until it is certain nothing is going to happen. Only then do I force the rest of the words out. "I was… heh… hurt."

"Are you okay to share it?" she asks.

No demands. No expectations, only that calm air of understanding. How is she doing that? My neck is so stiff I can't turn my head, so I twist my entire body around to look at her. Leah is what my mom would have called a ‘dirty' blonde. She's cute in a non-descript, mousy kind of way.

Mousy. That probably describes her best. Unassuming, and quiet, but she is here, and this is the first time since it happened that I've ever even considered telling another person. I don't know what is about her, but it feels as if she is drawing it out. Pulling the story by her silence.

This stranger, whom I barely know, watching me with her kind eyes. She's a little overweight, but not in an -unhealthy way. She's what mom would have called fluffy. Mom had a lot of euphemisms that she would use regularly. I've pointedly tried to remove them from my own lexicon. Mom and I quit talking after… it happened.

"I don't… don't think I can."

"Okay," she says, a faint hint of a smile. "You don't have to, but…"

"But?"

"Well, you have a situation. It's happened and one way or another, something has to be done."

"Is there an option?" I ask, grasping at the straws of hope that statement seems to offer.

Leah frowns and drops her eyes to the ground. She purses her lips tight before she nods sharply.

"If it's done soon, yes," she says.

"How soon?"

"Was the… partner… a human?" she asks, watching my face closely. She must read it in my reaction because she nods again but now her frown is deep and thoughtful. "I'd guess anything over a week would be too risky. I don't know. We haven't done it with… you know."

She gestures with her hand towards my belly and then drops it to her side.

"A week?"

"At the most. We are compatible, obviously, but it's a lot different than… normal? I don't have a better word there."

"Normal," I snort, shaking my head. "Right."

"Can I think about it?"

"Of course," she says. "No one here is going to force you to make a decision immediately."

"Is it safe?"

"No," she says. "Absolutely not. Kyle is a vet, not a doctor. I'm a nurse, not a doctor. I know the procedures because I've assisted but we don't have all the equipment, and we don't have the expertise of a full doctor. And even if we did… like I said… it's not exactly… the same."

I frown, the pressure in my eyes growing exponentially.

"Right."

Shit. Either way, I'm in trouble. What do I do?

Leah walks over and places a reassuring hand on my arm.

"Shana," she says. "Take a moment to wrap your head around this, okay? Don't make a decision too quickly."

I grit my teeth and nod. If only… it… hadn't happened. If only I wasn't… no. I'm not going to waste my time or thoughts on what could have or should have been. The past is done. I can't do anything about it except refuse to be a victim.

"Okay, I'll let you know," I say.

Leah silently nods then gathers my clothes off a chair and lays them out for me on the table.

"I'll let you get dressed."

She leaves the room and I'm alone. Alone with the biggest decision in my life. Doubts and regrets assault my mind as I slowly dress.