Chapter 26

CHAPTER 26

"… a

nd she adores music," Graham said, his eyes twinkling, "and she dances like an angel. Her sense of humor is something to behold, and she's such a vivid storyteller."

He went on while Aaron sat beside him and opened his snuff box. He inserted his thumb and index finger into the snuff, then sniffed it up his nose, allowing it to tickle his nostrils and down his throat. Then he took his glass of brandy and emptied it in two swallows, before motioning for the waiter to bring another.

"That is wonderful, indeed. I am glad you are enjoying her company so much. You have seen a lot of her, haven't you?"

Graham nodded. "Yes, I have seen her four times in the last two weeks, and I'm seeing her again tonight. I'm taking her to the theater. They are playing both a comedy and a drama. I thought I could not go wrong with that. She's bound to enjoy at least one of them."

"She will enjoy both, I am certain. She loves the theater," Aaron said, wishing that he was in his friend's stead.

"Are you quite certain you are not bothered by my courting her? You seem a little sullen."

Aaron shook his head. "No, I am quite glad that you are getting along so well. I am only sullen because I am bored. I have been cooped up inside for six weeks now, and I find it dull. I miss feeling the wind on my face. I have half a mind to travel to Italy. Would you care to join me?"

Graham had occasionally joined Aaron and Oliver on their journeys, but he hadn't for some time. Judging by his expression, he wasn't about to now.

"I think not. I have just met a woman I care for. I am not about to abandon her. No, my dear friend, I intend to spend as much time with Judith as she is willing to give me. And, if all goes well, I will make an offer soon. I plan to introduce her to my parents next week."

"Introduce her to your parents? Is it not a little soon?"

"I think not. I will see her a few more times before then. I will make sure it is a simple tea, not a formal dinner. But in time."

Aaron forced a smile, feeling the sting of his words. "That sounds like a good plan, Graham. I wish you both the best."

He heard the words come out of his mouth but knew he did not mean them. He wanted Judith at his side. He missed her more and more with each day. He'd hoped to see her after the ball, but she'd declined to see him time and again.

Why did he kiss her?

He could not understand himself. It had to have been the kiss that made her turn away from him. Well, in a way, it was good that he had done it because now he knew that she truly would not have wanted to be with him had he dared ask her. He hadn't seen her in almost two weeks now, and he felt her absence in his life acutely.

He had come to call on her the day after the ball, only to have Lady Worcester turn him away, telling him that Judith had gone to meet a friend. The following day, he happened to see her in the park with Graham and didn't even bother to approach her. Lady Worcester was with them, of course, acting as a chaperone. As he watched Judith and Graham walking and chatting, he wondered why she didn't let him know she was going to see his friend. But then he had to remind himself that he no longer played a role in her life.

He had been tasked with finding her a husband, or at least someone who had caught her interest by the time Oliver returned, and he had done that. She no longer needed him. It was painful to know how quickly she had turned on him. She had mentioned at the Lord Chancellor's ball that she and Graham were going to see one another regularly, but he had simply assumed he would guide her through the next few weeks.

Of course, a part of him had known that it wasn't necessary, but perhaps she might have allowed him to be around, to give her advice still. Yes, he was sure she would have because they had been friendly. He had come to regard her as a true friend, a true…

He rubbed his temples as Graham continued extolling Judith's virtues.

He knew she would have allowed him to remain in her life at least until Oliver returned, but he had ruined that when he kissed her.

Why did I do such a foolish thing? Why did I give in to my impulses?

He knew very well, given her behavior and lack of interaction, exactly how idiotic he had been.

It hadn't felt foolish at the time. It felt like nothing he had ever experienced, but the moment he stepped back and looked at her, all he saw was Amelia's face, and her brother's twisted in anger. He was a bad influence on any woman, and he had to remind himself of that.

"I think it would be splendid, eh wot?" Graham asked and slapped him on the knee with a grin.

Aaron looked up, drawn from his thoughts. "I beg your pardon, I did not sleep well. What did you say?"

Graham took a gulp of his whiskey, his Adam's apple bobbing in his throat. He placed the glass down with a thud and carefully wiped the spilled liquid with his handkerchief.

"I said once you find yourself a young lady, we could all take a trip together—you and your lady, and me and Lady Judith. Maybe her brother could come. I am sure at his age, he is going to be looking for a wife as well. Especially now that he is already a marquess."

Aaron nodded. "Of course. We could do that. The Duke of Wells has sent me an invitation some while ago."

Of course, these were hollow words. He had no intention of going on any trips with anybody except for perhaps Oliver. Graham was right. Oliver, as much as he loved to embrace life, would find a wife now. He hadn't wanted to be a marquess, but now that he was, he would do what was expected. He'd find a wife, produce an heir, join Parliament… All the things Aaron should be doing.

My life will be awfully empty.

The thought occurred to him out of nowhere, but it had gotten its grip on him. He couldn't ignore it. Oliver would be married, and so would Graham. He had other friends, but most of them were already married or turned out to be rather unpleasant, like Henry and Marius.

He would be alone, wouldn't he? His chest clenched as he tried to dislodge the unpleasant thought.

"I do not know… I mean, I'm not meant to be married. I don't think…" he said, hearing his words falter as they came out of his mouth.

"Why not? I know that your engagement with Lady Lundgren was a failure, but surely there are other young women. I know you always say that you think marriage will be boring, but I also know that you do not want to grow into an old, bitter man, do you?"

Aaron got up and poured himself another glass of whiskey, before downing it. He felt a little dizzy already, and the fact that he hadn't eaten anything or drunk anything but spirits did not bode well for him. He made his way back to the chair, slumping down into it more than anything else, and looked at his friend.

"Graham, you do not know this because you were away, but my breaking off my engagement with Lady Lundgren has put her in a terrible position."

Graham tilted his head to the side, indicating for him to continue.

Aaron made a full report of what transpired, including the fact that Thomas Cornell, in his anger at him, had been willing to ruin Judith instead of seeing her friendly with him. Thomas had been enraged and blinded by his anger—anger Aaron had caused.

"Ruin Judith?" Graham hissed. "How dare he? I should plant a facer on him."

"I already did," Aaron said. "He will not go near her again. But what I wanted to tell you is that Amelia is unhappy in her marriage, and her brother blames me for it. Can you imagine how miserable she must be for her brother to act this way toward Judith, just because she is a mere acquaintance of mine?"

Graham steepled his fingers and stretched his shoulders as though he was preparing for a fight.

"None of this makes any sense, Aaron. Amelia was not ruined because you ended your engagement. It was unfortunate, but it certainly did not ruin her. She did not have to marry the Marquess of Lundgren. She could've married somebody else. Somebody younger."

"No, she couldn't," Aaron said. "I helped ruin her reputation. She was so shamed, nobody else would even look at her."

He relayed what Amelia had told him.

"That is not true. Pray, Aaron, do you really not know this?"

Aaron sat up straight and blinked at his friend. "What in the world are you talking about?"

"She turned down proposals after you ended things with her and then traveled to the Continent. Her parents engaged a matchmaker. I should know because I was one of the gentlemen who courted her."

"You courted Amelia?"

Graham shrugged and waved a hand dismissively.

"I would not even call it courting. I danced with her at a ball, and I sat beside her at a dinner hosted by her parents. However, after the dinner, I was informed by the matchmaker that Lady Lundgren had set her sights on higher-ranked gentlemen. At the time, it did not bother me. I didn't even want to court her—I did it because my mother insisted. I wasn't ready then.

"But in any case, I do know that the Earl of Westcott was interested in her and was told a similar thing, as was the Baron Langley. While you were away, Amelia gained a reputation for being picky and difficult. The reason she did not find a match was that she spent the whole Season after you left turning down every gentleman who was not ranked highly enough—in her opinion."

Aaron was shocked. "Is this true? You are certain?"

"Absolutely. You did not ruin Amelia. She ruined herself. Likely, her brother's reaction is due to him not wanting his sister to be blamed, and he has just embraced the idea that it is all because of you. He might not even know what she did."

The revelation was like a punch to the gut, knocking the breath out of him and leaving him grappling for clarity. He couldn't sit there any longer, drowning in his tumultuous emotions.

"Graham, I—I'll be right back," Aaron stammered, rising unsteadily to his feet. "I just need a moment."

"Of course," Graham replied, a concerned look on his face as he watched his friend walk away.

Aaron quickly made his way to his bedchamber, each step feeling heavier than the last. As soon as he entered the room, he closed the door behind him and leaned against it, his breaths coming in short, ragged gasps. He could feel his heart pounding in his chest, the weight of the truth pressing down on him.

"What have I done?" he whispered to himself, running a hand through his hair.

He moved to his bed, his eyes drawn to the box hidden beneath it. His hands trembled as he reached for it, dragging it out from its hiding place. He needed to remember that he wasn't a good husband for Judith or anyone else. Even if Amelia had lied about the circumstances leading to her current marriage.

He looked at the trinkets but felt nothing but hollowness inside his chest. So what if he had been a rake? Judith hadn't cared… Or maybe she had? She hadn't spoken to him since he kissed her, after all. So that had to mean she wasn't interested, right?

But maybe if he hadn't struggled so much with his trepidations, he might have confessed his love to her another way, a more delicate way that wouldn't have pushed her away.

It didn't matter anymore anyway, he told himself. She was with Graham now. With his good friend. It was over.

He dropped to box onto the ground and glared into it, seeing his past—and his only possible future.

Gripped by rage, he kicked the box, sending assorted ribbons and patch boxes across the floor. He heard the telltale sound of porcelain breaking, but he didn't care.

He'd ruined any chance of ever confessing his true feelings for her. He'd fulfilled his duty to her brother and found her a match—that was all he had to do. It was over now.

Judith didn't need him anymore, and the only thing left for him to do was to embrace the life he'd lived before her. The only life he'd known. One that was free of obligations—and one that now seemed so empty that it made his stomach twist with regret and dread of the future.