Chapter 25

CHAPTER 25

J udith sighed as she read Rosy's letter for the third time. Her friend had arrived in Spain on the day the letter was posted, and it had been waiting for her. As usual, her good friend had replied immediately.

Of course, by the time Rosy's letter arrived, it was too late.

A fortnight had passed since the ball at the Lord Chancellor's house, and Judith hadn't seen Aaron. He'd called on her the day after, but she'd pretended she was suffering from a megrim, and after that, she'd ensured she was out of the house frequently, either to see Joanna or Lord Leeds—or Graham as he insisted that she call him. Anything to not see Aaron again.

She'd relayed a message to him via Matilda that she was courting Lord Leeds, and eventually, he'd ceased coming. In essence, his task was over. She was in a courtship, and she was certain Graham had told him as much. Therefore, Aaron had no business at her home until Oliver returned in two weeks.

Thus, Rosy's advice to follow her heart, to tell Aaron how she felt, had been for naught. Aaron didn't want her. He was nothing but a rake who'd played with her, that was all.

With a sigh, Judith sat at her desk, ready to reply. She dipped her quill into the inkwell and began writing.

Dearest Rosy,

I received your letter, and I am glad you have arrived safe and sound. As for me… I have been miserable.

She set the quill down and rested her head in her hands, the weight of her emotions pressing down on her. After a moment, she picked up the quill again, pushed the draft she had just started aside, and lowered her quill to the paper to attempt a second draft.

Dearest Rosy,

I received your letter and was grateful for your kind words and advice. However, things have not gone as I hoped. Aaron… You see, I have found that he is indeed the worst sort of person. He ? —

Judith paused, her hand trembling. She stared at the unfinished sentence, then abruptly crumpled the paper and threw it away, getting ink on her fingers. Frustration and sadness welled up inside her, and she stood up, heading to the basin to clean her hands.

As she scrubbed at the ink stains, her hands ached with the force she used to remove the evidence of her most recent activity. Tears blurred her vision. She tried to hold them back, not wanting to give Aaron the satisfaction of making her cry even if he wasn't here to see it. She hadn't cried at all these past two weeks. Instead, she'd stoically held the sadness in, not wanting anyone to know of her humiliation.

Alas, the dam broke, and she started to cry in earnest. The pain of Aaron's rejection, the feeling of being played with, overwhelmed her. Her shoulders shook, and she dropped the wash ball into the water, splashing the surrounding surface with droplets of water that sparkled in the sunlight streaming in.

Then, a wave of rage overcame her, and she gripped the wet wash ball and tossed it across the room, where it bounced against her sideboard and knocked down one of her favorite patch boxes, which shattered on the floor.

"You fool!" she shouted at herself and stomped one foot, clenching her fists so hard that her nails dug into her palms.

She wiped her face, trying to compose herself, when a knock sounded at the door.

"Judith?" Matilda's voice came through, filled with concern. "Judith? What's wrong?"

Judith quickly dried her tears and opened the door, forcing a smile. "It's nothing, Matilda. Just a bit of ink trouble and…" She glanced at the mess behind her, shards of porcelain on the floor and the burst wash ball in bits.

Matilda looked at her with knowing eyes. "It's more than ink, isn't it? Tell me what happened."

"I threw my wash ball, and the patch box broke, and… I was so angry. I am so…"

Judith's resolve crumbled. She stepped aside and let Matilda in.

"It's Aaron," she began, her voice shaky. "I thought… I thought he cared for me, but I was wrong. He's horrible, and he thinks me nothing but a burden."

Matilda's face softened with sympathy. "Oh, Judith. I'm so sorry. Tell me everything."

With a heavy heart, Judith did just that.

"Goodness, Judith. I am ever so sorry to hear this. It must've been so confusing for you to see him first kiss you and then hear him say such things. I have half a mind to go to his home and have a word with him. Would you like me to do?" Matilda asked.

Judith immediately waved both of her hands in the air. "Please, do not do such a thing. It would make things worse," she pleaded, dreading the upheaval this would cause.

"Very well," Matilda conceded. "It certainly explains why you have not wanted to see him. I thought it rather strange that you avoided him these past two weeks. You were together so much before then."

"Yes, that is exactly why. I cannot look at him. I know I will see the person he truly is, and I think it will be too painful. It will only remind me of how silly I've been. Besides, he no longer needs to be around me now that I am courting," Judith mumbled, looking down at her hands.

"You have not been silly at all," Matilda said with a force in her voice that took her by surprise. "You have done nothing wrong. He did. He should never have kissed you. It is so improper, and if anybody had seen it, it would've ruined your chances with any other gentleman." She took a deep breath and fixed Judith with a determined look. "Speaking of other gentlemen. What about Lord Leeds? What do you feel for him? I've seen a lot of him recently. Marianne said she accompanied you several times."

Judith sat down on the settee and let out a deep breath. What did she feel for Graham?

He was kind, and he certainly liked her very much. They had gone together to promenade in the park as they had planned, and he had entertained her with stories of his travels. Two days later, they had gone to the opera, and he turned out to be a lover of music, just as she and Aaron were. She had enjoyed the evening; he was pleasant company, and the opera was amazing.

Still, despite his lovely personality, when he had taken her arm to walk her back to the carriage, she hadn't felt like walking close to him or accidentally brushing her hip against his, the way Aaron had taught her. It felt wrong. He hadn't minded, of course. In fact, he'd been the perfect gentleman and had not demanded anything of her other than her company, which she freely gave.

Well, she gave it because she had to, out of a sense of obligation rather than because she truly wanted to. Indeed, if she never saw Graham again, she would certainly not be distraught.

That was awfully unkind, wasn't it? It was rather clear that he wished to make a life with her if she let him.

Since the opera, they had met twice more. Once at a ball, and another time, they had gone down to Bond Street so she could purchase a birthday present for Matilda. He had taken an entire afternoon to walk to various shops with her to find the perfect gift. Not many gentlemen would have done such a thing.

He was considerate, charming, and handsome. He was everything a man should be, and yet she felt nothing for him.

She looked at Matilda and shared her thoughts. When she was done, Matilda said, "He sounds as though he is perfect for you, Judith. It is possible that your heart and your mind are not aligned, and that is why you cannot allow yourself to feel anything for Lord Leeds, but that doesn't mean it will always be like this. In time, you might forget about the Duke and what he has done. You will even grow to love Lord Leeds. He certainly sounds like the sort of man you could love."

Judith nodded. "He does. Indeed, I care for him and would not want to hurt him, but I cannot love him. I do not think I am capable of it. Perhaps if I had met him first. I can see myself developing genuine feelings for a person like him, but I did not meet him first. I met Aaron, and I cannot forget or forgive myself—or him."

"Judith, only you can know what will make you happy. My offer to speak to Oliver on your behalf still stands, as does my offer to take you into the dower house should things go badly with your brother. But you must ask yourself, what is it you want?"

"Matilda, two weeks ago I would've said what I want is Aaron. Especially after he kissed me. But now, I do not know. Now, I wish I could crawl back into my bed and stay there, but I must do the opposite. I don't know what to do. I know what I must do. I know what the right thing would be. It would be to spend more time with Graham. It would be to accept an offer if he made one. For I know that I will not find another gentleman who is as compatible with me as he is."

"You're right. I think that is exactly what you should do. Do not forget, Judith, love can grow over time. Sometimes these attractions we feel for other people are just that—attractions—and they never turn into true love. We never know what the future holds, but I think the only thing we know with certainty is that the Duke has said some very unkind things about you behind your back and has not acted like the gentleman he ought to be. This is a fact."

Indeed, it was a fact, and one Judith could not deny.

She nodded her head once. "You are right. I will continue to court Graham and do my best to forget about Aaron altogether. And if I am lucky, in due time, he will disappear from my life again as he has done before, and I shall never have to see him again."

After all, he'd spent much of his life traveling, and she hadn't seen him for what felt like ages before he'd so suddenly returned. Maybe he could do both of them a favor and disappear once more—this time for good.