Chapter 23

CHAPTER 23

J udith rushed away from the library, her breathing ragged, her mind a whirlwind. She barely noticed where she was going, her legs carrying her through the opulent hallways and out into the garden. The cool night air hit her face, but it did little to calm the storm inside her.

She found a secluded bench amidst the blooming daffodils and collapsed onto it, her heart pounding.

Why did he do this? Why did he kiss me?

The questions raced in her mind, each one twisting her emotions further. She had been so sure that Aaron saw her only as a friend, as a charge . But that kiss had shattered everything she thought she knew.

She buried her face in her hands, trying to gather herself, when she heard footsteps approaching. She looked up to see Joanna, her friend and confidante, hurrying toward her, her face etched with concern.

"Judith! Are you alright?" Joanna asked, alarmed. "I came to tell you that my husband and I are leaving, but what's happened?"

Judith took a deep, shuddering breath, trying to compose herself. "Joanna, I… Aaron kissed me."

Joanna's eyes widened in surprise. "Aaron? But I thought… I thought he was just your friend."

Judith recounted the events of the evening to Joanna with a trembling voice. As she spoke, she found some solace in her friend's steady presence.

Joanna listened intently, her brow furrowed in thought. "Judith, it sounds to me like the Duke is making excuses. Any gentleman would want to marry, even if just to secure their line, and the Duke has no younger brothers or cousins to inherit the title."

Judith sighed, her hands twisting in her lap. "He's never wanted to marry, Joanna. He doesn't believe in the institution."

Joanna shook her head. "It still sounds like he is making excuses. There must be something else stopping him. But what matters most is what you want."

Judith's eyes filled with uncertainty. "This evening, I was resolved to make a match with someone, and Lord Leeds is a good man, but my heart wants Aaron. What if Lord Leeds and I become closer and… What if we… What if my heart can never let go of Aaron?"

Joanna nodded thoughtfully. "From personal experience, I'm inclined to advise you to follow your heart, but that's not right for everyone. You need to be sure of what you want and what you can live with."

A distant bird chirped, the sound oddly soothing in the night air.

Judith took a deep breath, letting the sound anchor her. "You're right," she said finally. "I need to think about it. I can't make a decision tonight."

Joanna squeezed her hand reassuringly. "Take your time. Maybe say you have a megrim, go home, and give yourself space to think."

Judith nodded, feeling a sense of clarity amidst the confusion. "I will. I'll go home and think things through. Perhaps I'll talk with Matilda as well."

The friends hugged, their bond offering Judith a moment of peace.

She sat back down on the bench, replaying the moment Aaron kissed her in her mind. She could still feel the warmth of his lips, the intensity of his touch. Her heart ached with the longing she felt, knowing deep down that she wanted him and only him.

But she needed time to think, to understand her own heart and what she truly wanted. With a deep breath, she stood up and made her way back toward the house.

As she approached, she saw Aaron sitting on the steps, with Lord Leeds beside him. If he was going to confide in anyone other than Oliver about his true feelings, it would be his friend. Her curiosity piqued, she moved closer, hoping to catch what they were saying.

Aaron sat on the steps outside the ballroom, shaken by what he had done. Kissing Judith had felt so good and wonderful, yet it filled him with a gnawing dread. His thoughts kept drifting back to Amelia and her brother.

Thomas Cornell had been so vehement in his hatred of him that he'd been willing to ruin Judith rather than see her align with him.

How rotten a man was Aaron to have driven Amelia and her brother to such lengths? The thought of ever causing Judith such pain was unbearable. He couldn't trust himself, not with her heart. He couldn't imagine never loving her, but what if he did? What if he got bored? What then?

Lost in his thoughts, Aaron barely noticed Graham approaching until he sat down beside him.

Graham's enthusiastic voice broke through his inner turmoil. "Aaron," he said, "I must thank you, for Lady Judith is truly a marvel. She is what I had hoped for in a wife."

"That is good news," Aaron murmured, but he knew he didn't sound enthusiastic. This did not escape his friend's attention.

"Aaron, may I ask you something?"

Aaron forced himself to focus. "What is it?"

Graham hesitated, glancing at him. "I've noticed how you look at Lady Judith. I think maybe you're interested in her."

A sharp pang shot through Aaron's chest, but he quickly masked it with a dismissive laugh. "Interested? In Judith? No, Graham. I'm just looking out for her. She's like a sister to me, nothing more."

Graham looked skeptical. "Are you sure? Because it seems like there's more to it."

Aaron should have known he could not fool his friend. He'd known Graham for a long time, and aside from Oliver, he was the one who knew him best. He'd have to be more convincing.

His heart pounded, but he kept his voice cold and detached.

"Trust me, Graham. I am not interested in her at all. To tell you the truth, while she is lovely—and I think you could be very happy with her—she has been a bit of a burden to me. I've been so busy trying to help her find a match that I've not been able to enjoy my time in London at all. You'd do me a favor if you wish to court her."

"I see. So when I saw you looking at her, that meant what?" Graham asked.

"That meant I was making sure she was in good hands, that's all. I have to report to Oliver when he returns, as you know. I have to keep an eye on her. But I will not be sad when I no longer have to be a governess of sorts to her," Aaron said, recalling the words she'd spoken upon first hearing of this arrangement. "Besides, I've never wanted to marry, and I'm certainly not going to change my mind now."

The words felt like shards of glass in his throat, each one sharper than the last. He had to make Graham believe him, even if it meant sounding cruel.

He could see the surprise and confusion in Graham's eyes, but it was necessary. He couldn't risk his friend suspecting the truth.

Graham slowly nodded, accepting Aaron's words at face value. "Alright, if you say so. In that case, I think I'll ask Lady Judith to promenade with me and perhaps visit the opera."

Aaron forced a smile. "You should. Judith deserves someone who can make her happy."

Graham smiled back, clearly relieved. "Thanks, Aaron. I'll do my very best to do just that. I will most certainly pursue her."

"You should. The two of you are perfectly matched," Aaron urged.

As Graham walked away, Aaron felt a crushing weight settle in his chest. He had pushed Judith away and encouraged his friend to court her. The bitterness and sorrow mixed within him, leaving him feeling worse than ever. He knew he had done what he believed was best for Judith, but it didn't make the pain any easier to bear.

Inside, his heart screamed in protest, torn between love and the fear of causing her harm. And so, he sat alone on the steps, the memory of their kiss still burning on his lips, and the bitter taste of regret lingering long after.