Chapter 21

Days pass. Kyan is slow to heal, but Ryan and Harper are hopeful he'll make a full recovery. Their only concern is his wing. Because it was so badly injured during a partial shift, and he's been too fragile to shift since, they aren't sure if he'll be able to fly again.

I'm not sure how to make up for the pain I've caused, so I settle with baby steps, bringing him muffins and cookies during my visits. Despite the way he dismissed me after our fight, he has allowed me short visits––five or ten minutes––before he says he wants to go back to sleep. I'm not expecting forgiveness or any sort of declaration of love. Ultimately, I just want to keep him in my life. Even if he's just a friend.

When I'm not at Kyan's bedside or baking him treats, my grief threatens to send me to my knees. The house next to my trailer is empty, but because I still have so much hatred for my late cell mates, I can't even step inside without feeling nauseous. Quincy is dead. My only friend is Felix, who stops by my trailer to check on me in the morning and right before bed. Kyan's brothers seemed to accept me in the mill after learning I was Kyan's mate, but with Kyan unsure if he can forgive me, they haven't spoken to me much since.

And their mates flat out despise me. They seem even more protective of Kyan than his brothers. I get dirty looks from them constantly when I'm at the house, and Harper doesn't hide her hatred when I'm around. She blames me for what happened to Hudson, despite leading the guys to the mill and aiding in their escape. Hudson has made a full recovery, but the scars of her son's pain are etched into her soul forever.

When I knock on the door to the house the next day armed with a basket of freshly baked brownies, Zev opens it, and his expression makes my stomach twist. "Hey, Naomi. I'm afraid Kyan isn't here."

"Not here?" How can that be? He was still mostly bedridden yesterday.

"He woke up this morning able to move around much better and went over to the house Yvonne and the pack are renting out."

"Oh, okay. Do you know when he'll be back?"

His eyes swirl with pity. "Here's the thing. Before he left, Kyan said he didn't want you coming by today."

My shoulders sag. Now he doesn't even want to see me.

"I don't know how he'll feel tomorrow, but today he wants space."

Space. I suppose that's only fair. He gave me as much as I needed when I asked for space. The least I can do is return the favor. "Will you give these to him?" I ask, handing over the brownies.

Zev takes them and encourages me to stop by tomorrow.

I thank him and slowly trudge back to my place. The dark cloud that seems intent on remaining above my head just got a little bigger. I don't know what to do, or what my purpose is.

There's no job to show up for anymore, so other than my trips to see Kyan, I curl into a ball on my bed and cry. I cry for Quincy mostly. He was on the verge of a breakthrough discovery with his work on artificial blood, and now he'll never get to finish it. He helped as many Sippers as he could to feel normal, seen. I doubt I'll ever come across another vampire with such a kind soul.

Elaine might be dead, but somewhere out there, Xavier still lives. I'm sure he'll hear about what happened soon enough and come looking for me. If he isn't already, that is.

The only bright spot, the one thing that has made me feel somewhat useful, are the video calls I've had with a woman named Oya, who is President of Vampire Relations for North America for the IVA, and we've had a standing call every day at three to go over the details of what happened in the mill.

As I'm the only surviving vampire of my cell, and the only vampire eyewitness from that night, she's relying exclusively on my account to process the paperwork surrounding the deaths of Mike, Wyatt, Elaine, and Quincy, to determine how best to proceed. There is a chance I'll have to pay a fine for killing Elaine. Vampires are strictly prohibited from staking another vampire, but Oya is confident she can have it waived.

She was not a fan of Elaine. Oya made several unsuccessful attempts to collect past due fees after Xavier dropped me off here. Xavier gave her enough money to cover my yearly fees until my twentieth fangiversary. I saw it. Apparently, though, that money never made it to the IVA. I don't know what happened to it, but if I had to guess, I'd say it paid for the contents of Elaine's closet.

There have been mandatory seminars that Elaine never showed up for as cell leader, emails never answered, and calls not returned over the course of six years.

When I told her about Elaine's ties to Burton, Oya rolled her dark brown eyes.

"No. That's being phased out as a food resource all over the world," she said.

"Really?"

She gestured to herself, nodding. "Honey, I'm leading the charge. Me and the presidents for the U.K. and Germany. Our black asses don't want to be associated with continuing that archaic alliance."

It was such a relief to hear that those in power are actually trying to fix things.

When her face pops up on my phone, I answer immediately.

"Hi, Oya."

"Hey, Naomi." She wastes no time. "Okay, so this will be a quick session and likely our last."

Disappointment washes over me. "Oh. Okay."

Her puffy afro fills the screen, framing her round face. My eyes are drawn immediately to her eye makeup. It's always a bold color, with a swipe across her lids and a line along the inner corners, and today is no exception. It's a glittery blue shade that reminds me of Kyan's draxilio. Absolutely gorgeous.

"So I had a quick conference with the supreme leaders," which are the three vampires that oversee the planet, all over a thousand years old, "and they don't see a reason for you to be sentenced or even pay a fine."

I suck in a breath. "Really?"

"Yeah, they see it as open-and-shut. If Elaine were still alive, she'd be sentenced to a public staking for her litany of crimes." She flips a page in the notebook in front of her, going over her notes. "They're also very impressed with the work Quincy did in seeking a blood alternative for Sippers. It's a movement that's trending upward, and the supremes see it as the best way to secure the future of our kind."

This is true vindication. I wish Quincy were alive to hear it.

"I've been given approval to help you fund a laboratory in Quincy's honor."

I pause, wondering if I heard her correctly. "Wait, s-seriously?"

She smiles. "Yes, seriously, and any equipment you need, tools, staffing, I've been authorized to use the full resources of the IVA to get you what you need."

I'm breathless. This is amazing, and I have no idea what to say. Tears spill onto my cheeks. I try pushing them back, but they become a river. "Thank you. Thank you so much."

"Aw, honey. Don't mention it." Oya closes her notebook. "Keep me posted on the progress and shoot me an email with a number. I'll wire the funds to your bank account within twenty-four hours."

When we disconnect the call, I crumple into a ball on the floor of my trailer, and my body quakes as I sob. After a while, the tears run dry, and I find myself wandering through the woods, ending up at the bridge, climbing the guardrail, and standing on the highest beam as I watch the flow of the river below me.

Lately, I find it calming, tracking the ripple of the current, hoping to spot a fish now and then. It no longer holds the intense hopelessness I used to feel when I came here, despite how uncertain things are with Kyan at the moment. Maybe it's because of how peaceful Kyan looked when we came here last, and the memory of that gives me comfort. I don't know. The bridge is more of an optimistic place for reflection now. It really––

I'm thrown sideways by sheer force, my feet leaving the rail as I tumble through the air. Strength circles my waist in the form of thick arms just before I slam into the ground. I land on top of Kyan's wide chest.

"Kyan, what the hell?"

He looks so angry as he pushes us off the ground, lifting me into his arms. When we're standing, he settles me on my feet and grips my shoulders so tight it hurts.

"What were you thinking, Naomi?"

I've never seen him like this. He's standing, with only light scars running down his cheek and neck, but his expression is twisted in anguish. I open my mouth to speak, but he does it first.

"I can't believe you could be so reckless!" he shouts, releasing me and pacing in a tight circle. He looks feral, his movements jerky and aggravated. "You were going to jump? To what end? You wouldn't die, so what…you just wanted to hurt yourself?"

Oh. I suppose from his perspective, that's how it must've looked.

"No, I wasn't going to jump."

He shakes his head disapprovingly as he takes me in, sizing me up. For what, I don't know.

Groaning, he runs a hand down his face. Then, in a quiet, tortured rasp, he says, "I'm fucking miserable without you."

My breath lodges in my throat. A sliver of hope threatens to bloom in my chest.

"I can't take it anymore." He throws up his hands. "I was mad, and I'm still mad, okay? But I don't fucking care about any of it anymore. It felt good to punish you for putting my family at risk. Until it didn't. The vengeful part of me wanted to keep it going, just to see how long you'd be willing to grovel." He sighs as his gaze lifts to the sky. "Then you had to give me fucking space."

A soft chuckle escapes me. "It's frustrating, isn't it? When the one you're mad at gives you the chance to miss them."

His eyes meet mine, and I see one side of his mouth curving up ever so slightly. "Infuriating."

"Listen," I begin, knowing I should probably keep my mouth shut about what happened, given his apparent change of heart, but I need him to understand why I did it. "When Elaine told me to take the job as your assistant, I didn't feel like I had a choice. It was that or be sent back to Xavier. She made me feel powerless."

He nods as he shoves his hands in his pockets.

"But getting to know you made me realize how much power I actually possess. You make me feel like I can do anything. Be anything. I didn't think I'd ever feel that way again after I was turned." My eyes sting with tears as I recall the brush of his hand, the way he looks at me, the way we swap roles in bed. I can't lose him. "You've given me an incredible gift, and I can't thank you enough for that. And no matter what happens between us, I'll always be grateful to you for helping me come back to myself. The person I was. The woman I am."

Kyan's expression is unreadable, and because I don't know what's going on in his head, I just keep talking. "I spoke to Hudson, you know. After one of my visits with you, he ran up to me in the driveway."

"What did he say?"

"He told me he forgave me for what happened. That he didn't think it was my fault." I understand why he's Kyan's favorite. When he hugged me that day, it felt like he already saw me as a member of their family.

Kyan nods, looking proud. "He's the best among us."

I clear my throat as I continue; my hands shaking with nerves. "Then he told me about Moonavi."

Kyan's nostrils flare.

"About the history of it. Where the name came from." I kick at a leaf next to my foot, unable to meet Kyan's gaze. "How it was so rare that everyone on Sufoi stopped what they were doing to experience it. And how those lucky enough to have a view of the sea thought it looked like the collision of fire and ice."

He remains still and doesn't speak for what feels like forever. "That's what it means, yeah."

"Then he said the reason you didn't like the word love is because it felt like the wrong word. It didn't match how you felt about me."

Kyan nods. "True."

I step toward him. "And that Moonavi felt like a much better fit."

His chest rises quickly as the distance between us starts to close. "Fire and ice."

I place my hands on his chest, and my knees buckle at the force of the connection. God, I've missed touching him. "Do you still feel that way?"

Suddenly, I'm in his arms, my feet no longer touching the ground as his lips crash into mine. I grip his shoulders as his tongue rubs against mine, and I moan into his mouth. I don't know how long we stay like this. A while, but still not long enough. I'm the one that breaks the kiss though, because there's something I need to know.

"Where do we go from here? How can we move forward?"

He cups my cheek as his eyes dart between mine. "I don't care about the lies. The secrets. You weren't the only one guilty of it. My most important work didn't happen in the office where we met. It was in the basement. I kept that from you. The pack and Yvonne, even Andrei."

I learned about Andrei from Yvonne the day after the rescue, and I still can't believe the work he does is legal. The U.S. government allowing him to erase UFO reports––crazy.

"But how can you forgive me?"

He kisses me again, then cradles the back of my head as his forehead presses against mine. "You can come with me right now."

I pull back. "Come with you? Where?" I'll go anywhere.

"To Axil's. Vanessa's water broke. She's in labor."

"What?" How exciting! Then I remember she hates me. "Are you sure I should be there?"

He nods, his mouth forming a grim line. "You need to be there. The baby is sideways, and Harper and Ryan have never performed a c-section. Harper says it's not an emergency, but still urgent. We need to go now."

"No." The word comes out on its own, firm and laced with fear. "I can't. Kyan, I haven't performed a c-section in close to nine years."

"You have to."

"No way." I can't be their only option. If so, I feel bad for them. They deserve an obstetrician who isn't rusty. "You need to get someone else to do it."

"Who?" Kyan shouts, panic etched into his features. "It's a half-alien, dragon-shifter baby. We can't bring her to the hospital."

Fuck. I want to help them, but I don't know if this is still a skill I possess. Then there's the bigger concern. "The blood, Kyan. What about the blood? It's too dangerous."

"Naomi," he says in a stern tone as he grabs my shoulders, "you have complete control over your thirst. When was your last sip?"

I think back. "An hour ago. I drank a full bag."

"Then you're fine."

It seems like a huge risk, but I find myself considering it.

Kyan crooks a finger beneath my chin, lifting it until I can look nowhere but directly into his magnetic gray eyes. "You can do this, Naomi. I know you can. You know it too."

I still don't totally believe him, but I also can't stand here while a mother and her baby are in distress. "Okay. Let's go."