Chapter 20

Agony is ever present in my mind and body once I awaken in my old bed at Zev's house. Luka told me that I've been asleep for two days, and in that time, the most superficial cuts I gained during Elaine's torture session have healed, and the more significant ones show signs of improvement.

Still, I can't even breathe without wincing. There is no position that provides additional comfort, either. If I lay on my back, the massive tear down my left side where my wing was cut sends blinding pain through my upper body. Laying on my stomach is better, but only marginally, as the pressure on my three cracked ribs quickly becomes too much to bear.

Harper and Ryan have me on a schedule of thirty minutes on each side before I flip over. They check my wounds each time the alarm goes off, and Harper gives me the strongest pain meds she has, which helps with the physical pain but does nothing for the crippling shame I feel at having to be rescued by my brothers and pack.

It never should've come to that. I am the fiercest among us. A monster made in a lab and designed to kill. What am I if I can't defend myself, or worse, my nephew, from those like Elaine, who wish to harm us? I've spent my entire time on Earth preparing for the day when I had to use my body, my fury, my fire, to protect those I care about, and when that day came, I was utterly useless.

I don't know what to do with these feelings. Telling my brothers isn't an option, as I've embarrassed myself enough already.

Each time I close my eyes, there's a significant part of me that doesn't want them to reopen.

Zev knocks on the door before letting himself in. "Guess who's here?"

Naomi steps into the room, a big smile on her face as she takes me in. "Wow, you look so much better." She turns back to Zev. "Look at the color in his face."

My blood boils at the sight of her, despite the gleeful purr of my draxilio inside my head.

She betrayed us,I send to him. She is the reason Hudson got hurt. They could've killed him because of her.

Mate is his only reply, which makes me want to crack my skull open and remove the part of my brain that allows him to speak to me.

Zev nods. "Yeah, he's on his way." He looks between the two of us for another moment before excusing himself and closing the door behind him.

Naomi comes to sit on the side of the bed and gently places her hand over mine. "I'm glad Zev called me. It feels like I've been waiting years for you to wake up."

My throat is scratchy and dry, and even though I can speak, I choose not to. I don't even know where to begin with Naomi. Technically, she is my mate, but I can't stand the sight of her right now.

"I just want to make it clear to you that I love you––you and your draxilio," she clarifies, "and I accept you completely in both forms." She lets out a contented sigh. "I'm honored to be your mate."

I pull my hand from her grasp. "I can't discuss this now."

My draxilio growls in anger as Naomi's face falls. "What?"

"You spent weeks lying to me, trying to get close to me just so you could relay the information you learned to Burton."

She jerks back, her expression pained. "Not…not directly."

"It might as well have been. You told Elaine, who told Burton, the man who has spent the last year terrorizing my family."

Her eyes fill with tears. For a moment, it looks like she's going to protest in an effort to defend her actions, but then she pinches her eyes shut and nods. "You're right. What I did is unforgivable, but you have to know that, once I got to know you, I felt terrible about it. And I did stand up to Elaine. I refused to keep helping her. That was before we started staying in the secret bedroom at the office."

"It doesn't matter," I shout, though it comes out as a hoarse whisper. "The very idea that you spent any time simply trying to learn information that could be used against me, against my family, has me questioning all of it."

Her bottom lip trembles.

"Every look, every touch, every kiss. None of it feels real."

Tears stain her cheeks as she reaches for me, but then pauses before her withdrawing her hand. "Kyan, I'm so sorry. I'm disgusted with the part I played, and how it ended," her voice cracks. "I almost lost you. And…" She takes a moment to wipe her nose. "Without you, I don't know where I even belong in this world."

Now I'm responsible for her outlook on life? What do I owe her after the pain she's caused? I don't think I owe her anything, and I'm in too much pain to feel pity right now. "Stop being so afraid to be happy, and I'm sure you'll find your way."

Her nose scrunches up in disgust. "What are you talking about?"

I shift in bed, my ribs sending radiating waves of pain down my body as I try to lay on my side. It hurts so much, I struggle to take a deep breath. "Elaine's dead. You have the house to yourself now."

"And?"

"All the obstacles keeping you miserable and aimlessly floating through time have been removed. Use this time to figure out how to live as a vampire, rather than moping about and acting like the world is out to get you."

She gets to her feet, her eyes filled with rage. "At least I'm not afraid of my own emotions."

I was created to feel a constant wave of anger so intense that I obliterate anything that steps into my path. I couldn't be more in touch with my emotions. It's how I was designed. "That makes no sense," I reply, rolling my eyes. What little energy I had is waning, and I have no interest in continuing this discussion.

"As long as you can put all your focus on blaming society for its failures and punishing the evil men of this world for their actions, you never have to make time for the people in your life," she says, her cheeks turning a deep shade of red. "You can just stay busy and angry, working eighteen-hour days, training your pack, and killing your targets, instead of spending time with your actual family, because god forbid you experience even a moment of genuine affection and intimacy with one of your brothers. Anger is the only emotion you know. It's ruining your life, and you can't even see it."

"Enough!" I shout, my chest heaving. It sends me into a coughing fit, and it takes several minutes before my breathing returns to normal. "This is how I was made."

She shakes her head. "That may be true, but you actively feed this part of you. You're choosing your anger, even now, when a happy future is standing right in front of you."

No. That can't be true. I don't seek it out. Anger is simply the most dominant part of my brain. It's not my fault, and it's not a part of myself I can deny. A throbbing pain appears between my eyes, and I want more than anything for this moment to end. "I think you should leave."

Naomi looks crestfallen. Her mouth falls open as I adjust the pillows beneath my head.

"Harper," I call out, hoping she'll give me another pain pill.

"When can I come back?" Naomi asks, hope filling her gaze. "Tomorrow?"

"I don't know," is all I can give her. I know she's my mate, but I can't think about that right now. My mind is a mess of agonizing memories from inside the mill, my body broken from the abuse.

Harper and Ryan come in, and I hold out my hand for a pain pill. She gives it to me then hands me a glass of water to swallow it down.

The two of them help me onto my back as Naomi leaves my room, and I can't help but take a long look at her retreating form not knowing when I'll get to enjoy it again.