19. Chapter Seventeen

Chapter Seventeen

Azizia

I’m losing myself.

With each moment that passes, more and more of me disappears. Slipping away like sand through my fingers. I felt like I was only just learning who I was—the real me. The me I get to be when I don’t have people to tell me who I have to be. What to say, what to wear, how to talk.

That hope I thought was okay to hold onto? Such a bad idea. It was a terrible idea. Do I ever have good ideas? I mean, thinking back, befriending a servant and escaping this place was stupid. And everything I did topside was even more stupid. Why wasn’t I more careful? Why did I put myself out there?

And why the hell did I obsess over a man I heard on a podcast, kidnap him and his stupid fat cat, have sex with him, then decide to run away with him?

I must have really lost my mind if I thought any of that was a good idea.

“Azizia, darling, come sit by me. Prazin will be here any moment.”

I get up from my chair by the window and move to sit on the sofa with Xadrian.

How quickly I became complacent again. How quickly I fell into old routines of doing exactly what he says.

Only this time is different. Though no less pathetic on my part.

Xadrian hasn’t sent me to his men. He hasn’t watched while they defile me and do whatever it is they please. He isn’t sitting by and shouting for them to go harder or faster or spread my legs wider so he can see them tear me open. He hasn’t let them touch me at all. I’m grateful for it, but I can’t help but feel like it’s bad. Like it means something worse is coming.

Xadrian has been nothing but kind to me since I’ve been back, and it’s messing with my head. He can’t possibly have changed, right? And he definitely wasn’t like this before. I know he was a maniac. He was horrible. It’s why I left, right? That’s why I left?

Right?

I’m questioning everything these days.

I don’t even know how many days it’s been. They’re all bleeding into one another, I can’t keep track. I wouldn’t know night from day if Xadrian didn’t have me go to bed with him and wake up with him each night and morning.

Everything seems so… off. I feel like I’m in a bubble. Like everything around me is just a little wonky. Like maybe I’m in a simulation—a video game or a movie or something. I zone out all the time. I’ll finish with breakfast, sit in the library, and seconds later it’s lunch time. I don’t know if I’m losing my mind or if this is just another torture tactic from Xadrian. If it is, I don’t think it’s working. I don’t feel tortured, I just feel like I’m going crazy.

Is that his goal? Does he want me to go crazy? I can’t tell, and it’s not like he’ll tell me.

“You remember Prazin, right?”

I nod. “Yes.”

Though, I don’t. I can’t recall all the men he had in and out of this place. There were always so many. Too many to keep track. All I can remember about them is they were evil. As evil as he is. He doesn't associate with anyone who is good, anyone I could trust.

“Good. So you’ll be on your best behavior then.”

“Always,” I answer numbly.

“That’s why I love you, darling.”

He kisses the side of my head, his lips like ice.

I hate him.

That’s the only thing I feel lately. Hate. So much hate. Not only for him, but for everything and everyone.

For his men. The guards. The help. For my brother. For Felix. That alien.

For every single person who let Xadrian get me back and hasn’t done a damn thing to help me.

I’m just here, going crazy, and no one cares.

No one cares!

“Sir, Prazin is here to see you,” someone says from the doorway. It’s a male voice. One of Xadrian’s guards probably. Or maybe Ziggy. I don’t even have the energy to be happy to see him anymore. He hasn’t tried speaking to me which is probably best for both of us. If Xadrian finds out what he did… I don’t want to think about it.

The sofa creaks as Xadrian gets to his feet. Like a zombie, I do the same, following after him. He’s talking to a man who’s dressed in an all black three piece suit. The only bit of color is the blood red pocket square.

“Prazin, you remember my lovely wife, Azizia?”

“Ah, yes, of course. How could I forget such a sweet morsel?”

My stomach rolls with nausea, but I hardly notice. It’s so normal these days that it doesn’t bother me anymore. I remember this man now though. He fed from me. But not because he is a vampire, because he is sick. Disturbed. He is a true monster. But who else would my husband associate with?

I offer my hand, and this monster takes it graciously, bringing it to his mouth and kissing it.

I do my best not to yank it away when his hot breath hits my skin. And when he releases my hand, the air is cool on the spot he kissed, where he left behind saliva. I discreetly wipe it on my clothing as we walk to the sitting area.

Xadrian and I take our seats on the sofa, while Prazin sits across from us in the arm chair.

“Now, darling, I didn’t want to tell you about this earlier because I didn’t want to upset you.” I turn my attention on Xadrian, wondering what he could be talking about. “Prazin is actually here for you.”

“For me? What for?”

“I have a spell for you, my dear. One your husband asked me to do.”

“What is it for?”

My skin gets all prickly and hot. My nerves are on edge. Xadrian is bringing magic into this? He always said he didn’t trust magic because he wasn’t in control of it. Anyone could use it against him…

“Just to ensure your safety if you ever go missing again, darling. It’s no big deal.”

A tracking spell? He’s going to put a tracking spell on me? I’ll never escape again if he does that. Not that escaping seemed like a possibility again, but knowing it’s a sure thing has me dizzy. I was lucky to get away the first time and I ruined it.

But if Felix shows up to save me…

If Rae does…

No, none of them are coming.

They would have been here by now.

Maybe it would take Felix longer to find me because he doesn’t know about this part of my life, but Rae does. Rae should have looked for me at the house when I didn’t answer the phone. If he found me missing, Xadrian is the first person he’d threaten.

So why isn’t he here? Obviously because he doesn’t want to be. If he loved me, cared about me at all, he’d be here trying to get me back.

So maybe staying here is the best plan.

At least Xadrian isn’t being mean. Maybe if he stays this way, continues to be nice and caring, I’ll learn to love him the way I loved Felix. When Xadrian is this way, he’s tolerable. If only I didn’t have so many awful memories of him… maybe I can ask this Prazin guy to erase them? Can he do that?

“It won’t hurt, if that’s what you’re worried about,” Prazin says with a chuckle.

I blink a few times, shaking out of my thoughts. I must have been frowning or something. That’ll earn me a lashing later, I’m sure.

Wait, no.

Xadrian hasn’t done that once since I’ve been here.

I turn to face my husband, and force a smile. I put my hand on his thigh. This is all I have left.

“I think it’s a great idea,” I tell him.

Those dark eyes of his light up, and he puts his hand on top of mine.

“Then let’s get started.”