Chapter 38

38

M y heart stops.

It stops dead in my chest as tunnel vision threatens to knock me from my seat.

No, no, no.

My eyes shift to Sorscha and Jace as they get to their feet beside the king. Jace interlocks their fingers and lifts their joined hands in the air triumphantly. The crowd erupts into wild cheers as I fight to get down a breath. It would take a trained eye to notice that their twin smiles don't quite reach their eyes.

"Wish them everlasting fortune and happiness!" The king toasts and sips from his goblet. The crowd again threatens to deafen me with their taunting cheers. When Jace looks at me, his mask momentarily slips, revealing the regret behind those golden eyes. It's gone before I can blink.

"You and the captain seemed quite close yesterday. Or should I say, the Hand? I was surprised to hear of his involvement with the princess." Kylian tuts, interrupting my racing thoughts. I school my face into a mask of indifference .

"He and the princess have been good friends to me since my arrival at court. We have all grown close in recent months."

"Yes, I had heard of your humble upbringing in the north. How tragic for a beauty as rare as yours to be cloistered behind temple walls all your life."

He really did his homework, didn't he?

"I'm here now, aren't I?" I smile smoothly, shifting to face forward again. "And I plan to take full advantage of my freedom."

"That shouldn't be difficult to do with a dragon on your side."

My blood goes cold as I slowly turn to him.

"Oh, did you think I didn't notice your little nosebleed? Those unmistakable eyes? That glamour won't last another hour." He leans back in his velvet-lined throne, his sparkling eyes roaming over me. "You are even more of a surprise than I originally thought."

"I have no idea what you're talking about," I bluff.

He chuckles. "You remind me so much of myself."

What an insult , I refrain from saying aloud.

"How so?"

"Stubborn, willful, with great power at your disposal. Determined to get what you want." His voice dips low as he slyly glances toward Jace. I follow his eyeline for a moment before snapping my gaze back to him. "Don't worry, your secret is safe with me. Both your secrets, I should say." He places a hand over where his heart should be.

"I think you're mistaken." I force an amused smile onto my face as I sip my wine.

"That would be a first." He smirks, crossing one long leg over the other.

"You have no idea what I want."

"You wear your heart on your sleeve, Dragon Rider. It's a shame that he's unavailable. But you know, you can do so much better than a low-born fae rat masquerading as Hand of the King."

I want to rip out his throat for talking about Jace like that. The pinpricks of my magic begin to gather at my fingertips. I will it to remain subdued.

"You are a queen. And you are fit for a king as powerful as you," Kylian whispers in my ear, his body suddenly very close.

I beam at him, my voice full of ire when I say, "Let me know if you find one anywhere."

He stares as I rise from my seat, wine in hand, and tip my head to him.

"Please excuse me."? *

Without waiting for a response, I file through the tables toward the door. Alone in the abandoned hallway, I drain the rest of my wine and toss the goblet into a nearby potted plant.

Deep breaths, I remind myself. Hold it together until you are alone in your room.

"Serena," Jace calls from behind me.

My heart sinks, but I don't turn or slow my pace. He catches up to me with those damned long legs and pulls my face into his hands, forcing me to look at him.

"Hey, hey, hey. Stop," he whispers.

"A promotion and an engagement. Congratulations."

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry—there wasn't enough time to tell you." His eyes search my face.

"It's fine, Jace, you don't owe me an explanation." I peel his hands from my cheeks and push past him.

"Yes, I do. Serena, please. Just give me a chance to explain."

"There's nothing to explain. This is over. It was over before it even began. So I'm not sure why you' re standing here."

He gives me an obvious look. "You know it isn't over. Last night, you almost died?—"

"We both almost died," I interrupt. "And because of that, I broke the glamour and gave myself away. Because of what we mean to each other. We knew this was coming."

I shove past him again, my stride steady and my focus ahead.

"And yet you're still surprised." He blocks my path, forcing me to skid to a halt.

"I'm not, Jace." I sigh, closing my eyes. "I'm tired. I'm tired of fighting my feelings for you, knowing I can't have you. I'm tired of hoping for a miracle that ends with us together. And I'm tired of seeing you dangled in front of me on Sorscha's arm." I shake my head. "You know, you said you weren't in love with her and that your feelings for me were real, but you sure put on a convincing show whenever she's around."

"And how am I supposed to act!?" he exclaims. "Appalled? Disgusted by the fact that the king has given me his only daughter and his crown one day? Any feelings toward Sorscha aside, I am grateful to him. For giving me a life I could only dream about."

"So, I guess a beautiful princess is just a sweet little bonus," I bite.

"That's not fair, and you know it." He seethes as I stalk away.

"Life's not fair. Get used to it. I wish you all the happiness in the world."

I wait for his stinging comeback, but instead, he pivots topics.

"What were you doing with Kylian?"

"He asked me to sit by him. Said he wanted to get to know me."

"Tell me you didn't fall for that line of bullshit," he growls. I toss him a sharp look .

"I'm not an idiot. I just wanted to find out how much he saw last night."

"And did you?" he presses.

"Yes. I did. He saw everything. He knows."

Jace scowls, his jaw tightening. "He can't be trusted."

"You don't think I know that?" I toss my hair over my shoulder. "The timing of his arrival here is suspicious. I intend to find out why."

"By seducing him?"

"By any means necessary."

"You're playing with fire. Serena ." He tugs on my arm, pulling me to face him. "He knows you're the last Blackblood. This is exactly what we wanted to prevent from happening."

"This was always going to happen." I jerk my arm away. "Other kingdoms were bound to find out, eventually. And I don't think he would be stupid enough to steal me away in the night. The king would be on his ass in a second."

He sighs, shaking his head. "I hope you know what you're doing."

"You know what, Jace?" I take a step closer, angling my face up to his. "Who I spend my time with and what I do is none of your concern. I have to go."

I take a big swig from the bottle of liquor I found in Zadyn's room.

The glass presses against my lips, stifling my sobs. I swallow down the wrong pipe and go into a coughing fit, choking on my own spit. I force out slow, deep breaths until my chest eventually softens and my throat unlocks.

"You look terrible."

Mar slips through the door quietly. I toss her a desolate look and hold out the bottle. She takes it silently and sips, easing into the seat beside me.

"To loving men who are engaged." I reach for the bottle and give a half-assed toast to no one.

"I'm not sure how much longer I can do this," I admit after a long silence.

"Do what?" she asks gently.

"Survive Jace," I say. "I can bond a dragon, I can take out a bunch of raging beasts with one scream, but this I'm not sure I can do."

"You love him," Mar states.

I nod sadly. "And so does Sorscha. It's so obvious. She looks at him like he walks on water. And it is killing me. I know it's wrong, I know how selfish I sound, but I can't stay away. I can't turn off my feelings."

"Then you need to prepare yourself for what is about to happen." She eyes me evenly, her gray stare cutting through me.

"Jace and Sorscha are engaged. They will rule together as king and queen when Derek steps down. You have to let him go, or you will be the one left hurt and alone in the end."

"I can't stay away from him. I've tried, Mar."

"You're going to have to get used to the idea."

"Why? Did an engagement ever stop you from being with Dover? You just steamrolled right over the whole idea, right over Wyneth."

A flash of hurt flickers in her expression, and I slightly regret bringing that up.

"That's different, and you know it," she says. "Dover is my mate. That trumps any marriage of convenience orchestrated by his parents. Not to mention, in your case, it would be treason. Sorscha is a princess, the heir to the throne. "

"I understand that, but you yourself said that there was no life for you without Dover. That's how I feel about Jace."

"Sometimes it does feel like that," she admits. "But I know who I am without him. Would it break me if I lost him? Yes. But would it kill me? No. No matter what, mate or not, he's just a male. I won't let loss define my life. Define me." Her fervor simmers into something softer as she lays a hand on my shoulder.

"Sorscha is my princess and my friend, but so are you. She may be willfully ignorant at times, but she has eyes, and after last night—the way you reacted when Jace was attacked, how he fought, how he killed to protect you…"

I think of the moment he saw me fall to that horrible creature. The way he screamed my name, the way he cut down those creatures like he would tear the entire world apart to get to me. That's when I realized I would do no less.

"Do you think she knows?" I ask, sobering.

"I think anyone that gets within thirty paces of you two knows. But I think she's been willfully blind up to this point. I don't know how much longer you can count on that."

And here I thought we were being discreet.

Zadyn surprises me by bursting through the door, eyes wide and face flushed. We leap to our feet, startled.

"Ilsa's dead," he announces, glancing between us.

"Oh my gods," Marideth breathes, clasping her hand to her mouth. "No."

"What happened?" I ask, boy drama momentarily forgotten.

Zadyn steps into the room and closes the door behind him. He pauses, looking at Mar hesitantly. "I'm sorry, Mar, you may not want to hear this."

"I do." She steels herself, taking my hand and squeezing hard. "I need to."

Zadyn sighs wearily and continues. "Her body was strung up from the ceiling in the Grand Hall and dropped in the middle of the dance floor. She'd been dead for a day already. Her body had been drained of blood, just like the victims of the border attacks."

"The creatures from the maze did this," I say. "And if her blood was drained, too—then they must be the ones behind the border attacks. But why kill her and then make a public show of it?"

"To send a message. A warning that the castle isn't safe." Zadyn glances between us. "We're on lockdown until the guards finish searching the grounds."

Jace.

My heart sinks.

He's undoubtedly out there searching for the danger. If he gets hurt, and the last time we spoke, we were fighting, and I was giving him hell…

"I'm going out there." The alcohol hits me the second I step toward the door. I wobble on unsteady feet before Zadyn reaches out to steady me.

"You're not going anywhere like this. You're drunk."

"I am not!" I protest, my tongue feeling thick.

"Would you just listen to me for once?" He rolls his eyes, taking the nearly empty bottle from me and shaking it to prove his point.

"Oh, fine. We can just sit here like helpless idiots while others do all the work," I grumble, tossing my arms up in the air.

"I need to find Dover," Mar says, bracing my shoulders.

"But we're on lockdown." I make a taunting face at Zadyn, who ignores it.

"I dare the guards to try and stop me. Besides, no one takes lockdown seriously around here." She shrugs .

"They should when there's an actual threat," I point out, but she waves an idle hand.

"There are guards everywhere right now—lockdown is probably the safest time to be roaming the halls. But you. Are you going to be alright?"

"Yes," I assure her. "Are you? You and Ilsa were close."

She swallows thickly, eyes momentarily glossing before blinking back to normal. Marideth isn't one to show emotion. I know she will cry, but she will do it in private or with Dover. She has a kind of quiet strength that can only come from surviving true hardship.

"I'm alright. I need to check on the others. Don't do anything stupid." She shakes me once before slipping into the hall, leaving Zadyn and me alone. He gives me a concerned look.

"I don't want to talk about it. Not tonight," I murmur, trudging toward the bed.

We sit anxiously for hours until a guard knocks on the door to let us know the castle is clear. It must be near midnight when a softer knock sounds. Zadyn answers it to a trembling Cece, her golden hair undone and a knit shawl wrapped tightly over her nightgown.

"Cece," Zadyn breathes. Her beautiful face contorts in sadness as tears spring from her eyes. He pulls her into his chest.

"Ilsa," she sobs, her body shaking violently. My heart aches for the female I've never liked. Her best friend was mutilated and hung up for the entire court to see. I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy.

"I don't want to be alone right now." She peers up at him, her green eyes sad and hopeful, as Zadyn gently smooths her face.

"I'll stay with you, of course." Wrapping her in another tight hug, he strokes her hair and glances at me over her shoulder, silently asking for permission. I don't understand why he needs it from me, but I give him a nod.

Of course. Go be with her. She needs you.

And you?

I'll be fine.

He imparts me with one final look before taking the trembling beauty by the hand and leading her back toward her room.

* ? Cue: Moon Song by Phoebe Bridgers