25. Ryan

25

RYAN

W e got back to my apartment late in the afternoon. I didn’t know what to say as I unlocked the door and let my parents inside, so I kept my mouth shut. In fact, no one tried to talk until we were all trapped in my tiny apartment together with nowhere else to turn. It was impossible to avoid the elephant in the room now.

“I hope you’re not mad at us,” Dad said quietly.

“I — what?” I cocked my head, struggling to understand where he was coming from.

“Well, you didn’t want to tell us that Ciel is a man — or an angel — for a reason. It must be a good reason, so I hope we haven’t done anything to hurt you.”

Mom pulled Dad closer, slipping her arm through the crook of his elbow. They watched me cautiously, waiting for me to explain my reasoning.

“That’s not it at all,” I said quickly, starting to pace back and forth as nerves overtook me. “No, I didn’t tell you because, well, because I didn’t believe myself that I could be in love with someone like Ciel. I thought it was a short little fling, or an experiment, or…something. I don’t know what, but I never thought it would last. I guess I told myself to rationalize my feelings without having to change how I thought of myself, but that didn’t work out too well, did it?”

“That’s not for us to say,” Mom said, stepping away from Dad to put her arm around me and force me to stop pacing. “We’ll love you no matter what. I hope you always remember that.”

I nodded. “I know. I feel like an idiot now, making Ciel leave me just to keep my image up for my own parents.”

“It is a little cruel,” Dad said, sitting down on the couch so he could stretch his legs out on the makeshift coffee table. “I don’t think anyone deserves to be treated like that.”

“But what can I do now? I already ruined things.”

“Couldn’t you talk to Ciel — in private — and explain yourself?” Mom asked. “He might not take you back, but if you really love him, you should want to make things right.”

“I suppose I could,” I said slowly, “but what if he doesn’t want to talk to me anymore?”

“I wouldn’t blame him.” Dad shrugged, but Mom went over and slapped his knee.

“Sean, you’re not being much of a help.”

“No, Dad is right,” I said, resuming my pacing, though now it was to help me think. “I could always write him a letter to get all my thoughts out. But that feels like the easy way out to me. I need to talk to him in person. I guess I could just go to his house and if he turns me away, at least I’ll have tried.”

“That’s the spirit,” Dad said.

“Do you want us to go with you?” Mom asked.

I shook my head. “This is something I need to do alone. I’ll be back, but don’t be surprised if I’m gone for a few hours. I need to do it right this time and I don’t care how long it takes.”

I marched out of my apartment, leaving my poor parents alone to await my return anxiously. As difficult as it was to come to terms with my sexuality, it was even more difficult to imagine a world where I still loved Ciel, but he didn’t love me back. It hurt more than any physical wound possibly could have.

I got to Ciel’s house well after dark, and since the streetlights ended about a block away from his home, I couldn’t see where I was going at all. I tripped when I stepped up onto the curb, stubbing my toe on the hard cement.

“Shit,” I mumbled, hobbling along the sidewalk until I got close enough to Ciel’s porch to grab the railing. “This was a terrible idea. I should never have come here at this hour.”

Ciel must have heard the commotion outside because just as I was about to peek in one of the windows to see inside the softly lit home, the front door opened and he stepped onto the porch. He looked magnificent in his all-white garb, wings as fluffy and soft as ever, his hair glowing silvery in the moonlight.

“Is someone there?” he asked calmly, glancing around till his gaze landed on me.

I wanted to shrink back into the wood planks that made up the porch. If I could have worked up the courage to run away, I would have, but I was too nervous to do anything but remain frozen in place.

“Ah, Ryan, what brings you out here tonight? Did your parents somehow manage to kick you out of your own apartment?”

I bristled, standing up a little straighter. “No, why would they?”

Ciel rolled his eyes. “Relax, I was only joking.”

“You’re right,” I sighed, “I’m just a little tense. Sorry.”

“No need to apologize. Please, come inside.”

I hesitated. “Are you sure you want to let me in?”

“Of course. I would be a terrible friend not to allow you into my house on a cold night like tonight.”

Friend . Was that how he saw me now?

I followed him inside and sat down on the sofa, taking a deep, shaky breath while I waited for him to join me.

“Ciel, there’s something I need to tell you,” I said after he’d positioned himself on the seat beside me, a healthy distance between us.

“Yes?”

“I…I know I’m not straight.”

He nodded slowly. “I see.”

“You already know that, of course, but I’ve finally accepted it myself. And there’s something else I need to tell you.”

Ciel smiled a little more cooly than I would have hoped after such a soul-bearing confession from me. “Go on.”

“I’m in love with you.”

His smile faded, his eyes growing sad. “Ryan, I don’t think you should–"

“I’m serious. I mean every single word of it. I love you. I love your wings and your hair and your eyes and…and…I love being with you. I love waking up in bed next to you. I can’t imagine life without you anymore.”

He didn’t speak for a long time. He just sat on the sofa, staring at me with those soul-boring eyes, as though he were waiting for me to change my mind.

“So you do,” he said quietly after what had to have been minutes of silence.

I took a shaky breath. “If you don’t feel the same way, I understand entirely. I’ve been awful to you, and no one should have to put up with being tossed aside because the other person is afraid to face reality.”

“No,” he said slowly, inching closer to me so that the gap between us was no longer. “No, I’m afraid I do feel the same way. Only — what about our differences, Ryan? I’m an angel, you’re a human…”

“We have more in common than we do differences, don’t you think? We both got in trouble for breaking the rules of who we were supposed to be. I got in trouble with myself, sure, but the idea still stands. Please, Ciel, please let the past go. We can face the future together as long as we trust each other.”

Ciel didn’t have a verbal response for me. Instead, he grabbed the back of my head and leaned in to kiss me, the arches of his wings brushing my shoulders with the lightness only an angel could have.

This was where I was meant to be, in the arms of an angel who loved me more than anyone else in the world — more than God, more than his fellow angels, more than even himself. With Ciel by my side, we could face anything tossed our way.