Chapter Twenty-Seven

Post-Cruise Tour: Denali National Park

The message might as well have been written in Klingon for all that I understood its meaning.

I immediately sent a screenshot to Jordan.

My phone rang a second later.

"You're calling me," I said. "Who does that?"

"Best friends in desperate times," she said.

"What's desperate about the times?"

"Caleb. He's desperate."

I snorted. "I don't know if that's the right word."

"Of course it is. Of course he is. He sees how cool you are, how much fun you're having with Tanner, how you're better off without him. He knows he needs to act fast. Therefore, he's desperate."

"But…isn't this good?"

"Do you think it's good?"

Why did people keep turning questions back on me? "I mean, yes?"

She hummed. "You don't sound very sure about that."

"It's what I was hoping for, until…"

"Until what?"

"…until I kissed Tanner."

Her screech rang in my ear, and I had to move the phone away.

"It was a one-time event," I said when her screaming stopped. "It's not happening again. He apologized."

"You sound sad about that."

"I am not. He was right. It shouldn't have happened." But the reasons why were seeming nebulous, despite that message from Caleb.

"I need details," Jordan said.

"Which ones? Like how we went for an evening walk and made s'mores at a fire and kissed during the midnight sunset?"

"And you waited until the next day to tell me? Rude."

"It was like one in the morning, and we had no service all day today."

"That is news you can wake me up with anytime," she said. "In fact, I demand it. So how was it?"

"Um. Amazing? I might not hate him as much as I used to."

"And Caleb? Do you miss him?"

I'd expected more squeals of joy or shock or pretty much anything other than an interrogation. "It's hard to. I've been distracted."

She cackled. "By Tanner's—"

"Do not say tight end."

Instead, she asked, "Do you miss me?"

"Yeah. I keep seeing things you'd like and wishing you were here, or taking pictures to send you but then there's no service."

"I'm relieved to hear that mountain air and kissing Tanner Woods haven't made you forget me. Shouldn't that tell you something? Did you think about Caleb like that this week?"

"Maybe…some. When we played with the dogs. Or I was doing trivia and there were questions like in Math Bowl."

"Wow, sounds like you can't live without him." Her voice was dry. "Or you need your own dog and a new math partner."

Was that really all I missed about Caleb after nine months? Someone else who liked numbers and who had a cute pet?

"How did you feel last night when Tanner apologized for kissing you?"

I groaned. "Are you making me have a feelings talk?"

"Yes. I insist this time. Don't make me bust out the chart."

"Rude. Ummm. Disappointed. Kind of hurt. Like my heart was being squeezed and crushed." I scrunched my eyes shut and buried my head in my hands. "Ugh."

"Oh, Savannah. I'm giving you an enormous long-distance hug, and you're liking it."

"Yes, I am."

She was silent for a moment. "On the last day of school, during the breakup…how did you feel then?"

I froze. Allowed the misery of that day to wash over me for the first time. "Stunned. Definitely embarrassed. Maybe…scared. About the future."

"I'm saying this because I love you, but it sounds like the reaction was mental, because Caleb surprised you in front of people. But you weren't actually hurt, in your heart."

"You're either going to be a great psychologist one day or your patients are going to hate you."

"You can hate me now, as long as subsequent self-reflection shows you that I'm right and you come crawling back to thankme."

Now that I had distance from the breakup, I saw it more clearly. I hadn't been hurt. It had scared me, losing the comfortable, the familiar. Having the future I'd planned taken from me suddenly. But I'd been more upset about the nickname and the words Caleb had said about me than about the idea of not dating him anymore.

"Now," Jordan said, "I want you to consider whether your feelings toward Tanner, even if they were negative in the past, were always stronger than anything you ever felt for Caleb. And that's all I'm going to say. I gotta go to work. Love you. I can't wait for you to get home."

"Love you back. Hey, Jor?"

"Yeah?"

"Do I ignore what you want? You always go along with my preferences. Have I been a bad friend?"

"You're a great friend. And I understand."

"I know, but understanding and wishing you could sometimes pick what we do are different things. I want to be better about it."

"Ramen?" she asked.

"Don't push your luck. But I'm serious. I'm sorry. I've realized on this trip that I need to think about other people more, so I'm going to try. Miss you."

After we hung up, I paced the room, wishing I had time to go for a run or LEGOs to build or anything to distract me from her words and the possible implications if I admitted she was right about Caleb and Tanner and all of it.

Oblivious to my potential life crisis, my parents hurried me along to dinner theater. It was in a log cabin, with picnic tables covered in checkered tablecloths.

Caleb's message and Jordan's comments were burning holes in my mind.

And I hadn't responded to Caleb. What was I supposed to say?

Did I really have stronger feelings for Tanner?

I thought of all the times he'd annoyed me, exasperated me, argued with me, challenged me. And this week, how he saw me,went out of his way to help me, made me laugh and helped me relax, and dug deeper to know me than anyone else had.

I studied him surreptitiously as we took seats.

I didn't know if I wanted to tell Tanner about the message from Caleb. He'd made his opinion on Caleb clear. But then, he'd also agreed to help with my quest, knowing my initial objective. We had succeeded. I'd helped him find a path for his future that made him happy and hopefully would please his parents. In return, he'd helped me get Caleb back.

So why was I unsatisfied?

We ate a family-style meal of salmon and ribs. I was wary of the fish, so I took ribs, which were going to be messy. But then, I knew Tanner would smear barbecue sauce all over his face if I needed him to, just so I wasn't the only one making a mess. Which made me warm and gooey inside, like a marshmallow.

He sat closer than necessary, his knee touching mine, thigh pressing when he reached for seconds. His fingers brushed mine when we passed the potato salad, the rolls, the cobbler.

Was he doing it on purpose? He wasn't looking at me when it happened.

And I wanted him to, to see if the same pleasant shock was shooting through him as it did through me.

If I told him about Caleb's message, would he pull away again?

I couldn't stop replaying Jordan's words, wondering why Tanner rejecting me after one mistaken kiss hurt more than Caleb ending a nine-month relationship.

Actors in western clothes came out and performed a story about the Alaskan gold rush, accompanied by far too much singing. When the first song started, Tanner nudged me.

But I was barely paying attention.

Because it hit me—I liked Tanner Woods. Not as in, I didn't hate him anymore. As in, I liked him. A lot. His humor and the way he made everyone comfortable. The way he noticed details about people and wanted to help. The way he accepted me while also encouraging me to grow.

I had no idea what to do with this new knowledge rocketing around inside me. I would never have believed it was possible. Did I want to act on it? Did he feel the same? With Caleb, we'd been friends, he'd asked me out, and it had made sense, so I'd said yes. There had been none of the whirling, spinning thrill of the possibility of it going well, or the terrifying idea that it would explode before getting off the ground.

After the show, as we left, and our parents were far enough away, I groped for anything to say to hide my monumental realization. "You can admit you liked it," I said to Tanner. "There was lots of history."

"Sorry you had to put up with the musical numbers." He returned my smirk.

"At least there was no spontaneous dancing."

As we walked to our rooms, the back of his hand brushed mine once. Then twice. It had to be deliberate, right? But I wasn't brave enough to take his hand, or to suggest we slip off alone again.

I tried not to peek over my shoulder as I went to my door, but I failed. And I found him doing the same, our eyes locking across the hall. Light exploded in my chest.

I shivered, fighting the confusing yet steady force that wanted to tug me those few yards toward him. Instead, I nodded to him and escaped into my room.