22: MEADOW

"I was losing Onyx. I could feel it in my bones, but I was powerless to stop it. It's like I didn't have the strength, desire, or energy to fight for us. So, I took the initiative to do what I felt needed to be done."

"More accurately, you pushed him away."

"Yes. We became a couple that I didn't recognize, and I don't know how we got there."

"Every relationship needs boundaries, MJ. You two didn't have the appropriate boundaries set. Don't get me wrong, I love that you're a confident and secure sister and didn't constantly need reassurance from her man that she's the only one. But I also don't think that you should have encouraged him to flirt with other women."

Pulling back, I stare into my iPad at her as if she's lost her mind. "I didn't encourage him, Mak."

She, along with everyone else, has been calling and texting me. I finally answered her call today. When I heard the twins and Caleb in the background, I told her to FaceTime me so that we could get some auntie and baby time in.

Now that she's put them down for a nap, the conversation is growing deeper.

"You do every time you don't tell him that you don't like it. You encourage him every time you make jokes out of it, look the other way, or play into it. Onyx doesn't know that you don't really like him flirting because you haven't told him that," Mak says.

"That doesn't excuse what he's done."

"It doesn't, Meadow. But how is he to know that his behavior is unacceptable if you continue to condone it and even reward him for bad behaviors? He flirts with a woman at the bar, and you reward him by giving him a blowjob on the way home. A woman slips her number to him, and you screw him in the backseat of the car in the parking lot before you head home. None of that tells him that you have a problem with that."

"No, it's telling him that I have all that he needs. He doesn't need another woman to take care of those needs. I should be sufficient."

"No, what it's telling him is that you're turned on when you see other women flirting with him and him flirting back. And if you're not careful, the next step would be him suggesting a threesome which he may have done with that Sharla girl if you'd given him a chance to."

"That's happened."

Lifting an eyebrow, she asks, "You've had a threesome? With Sharla?"

"No. He's suggested it. That was before Sharla came around, though."

"You can't be mad. He might have thought that you were down with it."

"He said that at the time. I wasn't sure why he thought that."

"Did you ask?"

"No, I didn't. I was too busy being mad and cursing him out."

Mak chuckles.

"I had to leave for my own sanity. We're in two different places right now, and I don't know how to find my way back to Onyx. Not without figuring out who I am and what I want first. This hurts, Mak."

Grabbing my iPad, I step off the back deck and make my way down the path leading to the beach. I step over the rickety wooden slats and pass the signs indicating "Kiawah Beach This Way."

On the reverse side of those signs, it says, "Leaving Kiawah Beach."

"I know it does. This is your marriage, Meadow. You know that Shep and I had our share of problems. Most people can't understand how we could have been separated for six years and be back together the way we are now. I will tell you that was the most challenging time of our lives, but it was necessary. I don't think that if we'd stayed together, our marriage would be as strong and as beautiful as it is now. In fact, I doubt we'd be together at all."

"I took the coward's way out."

"What do you mean?"

"I wrote him a Dear John letter. Before the letter, I begged him to leave me alone and just go away. He got upset every time I said that and told me that I'd better quit threatening him."

"And were you? Threatening him, I mean?"

Inhaling deeply and exhaling, I reply, "In some ways, I guess I was. I hoped that by me telling him that, he'd get his act together."

"And do what? Decide to get tested to find out if it's him who can't procreate? Stop flirting with other women?"

"All of that. I thought he'd see how serious it was to me."

"And what about how serious it was to him? Didn't his feelings matter in this, too?"

"They did. But he told me he wanted to start a family. Whose side are you on anyway?"

"It's not about sides anyway. It's about right and wrong. Onyx had the right to change his mind, and he did. He said that you needed counseling, and you refused to get help. Just like you wanted him to get tested, you should have been willing to meet him halfway there by seeking therapy, Meadow. What happened to you wasn't simple.

"You were assaulted, Meadow, and afraid for your life. Not to mention that you were scared he would find your home and attack you. You even said it yourself that you deal with nightmares and struggle with panic attacks. Those are not two things to be taken lightly. And while I'm no doctor, it seems to me you may be battling depression as well.

"Having a child ain't for the faint of heart, and postpartum depression is very real. Any current mental health issues you might be having don't need to be compounded by that. Girl, get your life together and then focus on starting a family."

"So, you're saying my husband is right?"

"About that, yes. But not about him flirting with other women or cheating on you. You have every right to be upset."

"I loved him with all my heart, and I was afraid that my darkness would put out his light. I couldn't break through the depression," I say as my voice breaks.

Mak leans close to the camera. "Oh, honey, it's okay to cry. It's okay to be furious. Let it out. But Onyx needs to own his shit, Meadow."

"I know," I cry. "I just need a second."

I sit down in the sand and pull my knees to my chest, wrapping my arms around them. I see Matt and a few others in the distance. He's wrapping an arm around a beautiful brunette woman, and they both look happy.

I hope that they never endure the pain that Onyx and I have.

Every time I think about those text messages, it rips me apart. How could he do that to me? I love that man with all my heart.

"But here's the thing, Meadow. You have to own your part in this, too. I'm not just talking about allowing him to flirt."

I nod.

"I'm talking about how you punished him after the attack."

My voice is a light squeak on the wind. "I know, Mak."

"You're not only pushing him away sexually, but you're also not telling him how he can help you. Instead, you're telling him that you don't want him around, and that you don't need him.

"Aside from sex, a man's greatest need is to know that he can and is protecting those he loves, especially his wife and kids. When they fail to do that, a man feels he has no purpose. You're telling Onyx that in so many words, honey. That's why he's seeking comfort elsewhere because you're sending him the message that he's not good enough in so many areas."

Rolling my eyes, I say, "I know that, and as much as I knew that I was wrong in doing it, I couldn't stop. I don't want to be a bitch, but I'm hurting, Mak."

"Then let him help you. Let that man help you find healing. You both need healing. That's what marriage is all about. The two of you walking in unity to navigate this twisty, challenging journey called life. You lift one another up when the other is weak and enhance each other's strengths. You're tearing him down from the inside out. What do you expect to get in return?"

"I just need time, Mak."

"Time to do what?"

"I need time away, without him or anyone else in my ear, to figure out what's really going on inside of me. There's so much to unpack. And I want and need to do that alone."

Mak presses her lips together in resignation and nods.

"Sis, I'm so sorry this happened to you, and I wish that it hadn't. But I want you to know that I will always have your back no matter what you decide. I hate that your marriage is breaking down over this.

"Just take the time you need to figure things out, but I encourage you to keep it real with Onyx. Tell him what's going on. If you ever plan to save your marriage, don't give the devil a foothold. And don't listen to others who tell you to leave him, or even those who might say stay. Only you can make the decision that's best for you. Most of all, don't run from him. Talk to the man and tell him how you feel."

Closing my eyes, I inhale deeply.

"I will. I may call him and talk to him this evening or maybe tomorrow."

"You don't want to go home and have that conversation?"

"I can't right now. If I see him, Mak, it'll be too hard to stand on what I know that I need to do. Onyx and I need some time apart, and not just me, but he does too. He needs to figure out what and who he wants. They say you don't miss your water until your well runs dry."

"Ain't that the truth. Both Shep and I learned that the hard way. I suspect that you and Onyx are about to do the same."

"I know."

"We're rooting for you one hundred percent."

"One favor."

"Anything."

"Don't tell the family about what we're going through. And don't tell anyone that you and I had this conversation today."

"I won't."

I end the call and wrap my arms around my legs once more.

***

"Hey."

"Where are you?"

"That doesn't matter, Onyx."

"What do you mean that doesn't matter? You're my wife."

I pull my knees close to my chest and stare out the window at the moon shining on the ocean's surface. It's dark in the room. A reflection of what I feel on the inside.

"It doesn't matter. I didn't call you to argue. Besides, I served you with your papers."

"Papers I didn't sign. Meadow, you've been gone for a little over a month now, and I haven't heard a thing from you except for a random text message. You must be using cash because I haven't been able to track you down with purchases."

"You've been spying on me?"

"Damn right! When a man's wife goes missing, he's going to do everything to make sure that she's okay and then bring her home safely."

"I am safe, Onyx. I don't need you investigating, researching, or—"

"I hired a private investigator."

"Or that! To look into me. This is ridiculous. That's the exact shit that I don't need, Onyx. Using your wealth to control or manipulate me is unacceptable."

"Control you? Manipulate you? Where is this coming from? Damn it, I was only trying to find you."

"And I told you not to look for me. The fact that you ignored my request and didn't respect it shows that you were trying to control me. Again, I said that I didn't call to argue."

"Then what did you call for, MJ?"

"To let you know..."

I inhale deeply and press my hands on the middle of my stomach to ease the knots and blow out a breath.

"To tell you that I need more time. If you haven't already signed the papers, then don't."

"What?"

"I need some time to truly figure me out, O. I sent those papers out of anger."

"So, you're coming back home?"

"I never said that. Not right now, anyway. We're on two different pages. It's not fair for you to have to change who you are and what you want any more than it's fair to ask that of me."

"I wasn't trying to change you."

"Yes, you were. I wanted what I wanted, and I wasn't backing down on that, but you cheated."

"MJ, I had no idea if you wanted me or not. You were always telling me that you didn't want me around and to leave you. By the time that rhetoric changed, I'd already fucked up. You were taking us both through hell."

"I'd have waited for an eternity for you to get yourself together had the roles been reversed. You had sex with her, O. And I saw the text messages between the two of you where you indicated it was hard for you to not want her. I cannot be in a marriage like that, knowing that you want another woman and that the only thing standing in your way is that you don't want to hurt me, Onyx."

"Baby," he sighs dramatically.

"Don't make this hard, Onyx."

"You're just giving up on us like that?"

"You did."

"No, I didn't. I fought for you, but you pushed me away."

"And then you gave up and went to another woman for what I wasn't willing to give you. I've always known that it would be that way. You need too much adoration from other women for you not to be that way. You were never going to be strong in the weak moments, O.

"You've been coddled from birth and told that whatever you wanted was yours to have. Nothing has ever been denied you until I couldn't be what you needed because I wasn't even enough for myself. How in the hell could I be enough for you?"

"We can get counseling, MJ. I'm willing to do whatever it takes to save our marriage. Just don't walk away from me."

"You did that, not me. As I said, I haven't made up my mind about anything specific yet. I have to go, O. This hurts too much."

"Baby, please don't hang up."

Those are the last words that I hear before I click the line off. I power my phone off and press my back against the headboard.