13: MEADOW

"Hey," Onyx says, stepping into the kitchen. "Smells good. What're you cooking?"

"Um, garlic butter steak and potatoes, roasted asparagus, and honey-glazed carrots."

"I'm starving. How long until dinner?" Onyx asks.

"It should be ready in fifteen minutes."

"Good. I've got time to shower, and by the time I'm back down, will my plate be ready?"

"Mm-hmm," I mumble thankful that we're not arguing and he's now leaving the kitchen.

The only thing that I seem to want to do anymore is cook and clean my home. I don't enjoy shopping, date nights, or even going out with the ladies. Any time I leave home, I'm always looking over my shoulder, wondering if Jesse is lurking there or will jump out of some alley. It's easier to stay here locked behind our doors.

Onyx upgraded our security system, so that makes me feel a little better.

I want to be left alone with my thoughts, my tears, my pain, and my frustration. I don't want anyone to tell me how I need to be or encourage me to find happiness. I'm okay when it's just me and my thoughts.

Maybe that's the clinical definition of depression, I don't know. But if I am, then so be it.

I busy myself preparing our plates and drinks and have them at the table by the time he returns.

After we say our grace, he tucks into his meal with his head down, and his eyes focused on the plate before him.

"How was your day?" I ask, trying to generate conversation.

"It was good. You?" Onyx asks.

"Just cleaning and cooking."

"Did you go into the studio today?" he asks. "Getting out of the house will do you some good."

I stiffen up, preparing for his rebuke over my next words.

"No. I wasn't in the mood."

He simply nods and keeps eating.

"Any new business deals or acquisitions?" I ask, thinking about what my assailant said.

I feel the negative energy rising in me, wanting to pick a fight with him.

Shrugging, he says, "No. Just business as usual."

"You came home early."

Conversation doesn't come as easily to us as it once did. It seems that we struggle to have the tiniest bit of discussion on the basic things, let alone hard topics. I'm always sidestepping everything because I'm scared of the forbidden topics: the attack, counseling, and trying to have a baby.

I don't want to argue with my husband, but I refuse to change my stance on my feelings.

Onyx's chewing slows and he looks up at me, grabs his glass and drinks some of his tea, and then sets it down again. I watch as he sets his fork back on his plate and dabs his mouth with his napkin before he finally speaks.

"I uh...I went out house hunting today."

"You didn't go to the office?"

"Yes, I dropped by for a few hours and then left just before lunch."

"To go house hunting?"

"Yes."

"And?"

"I think that I found the one for us."

I don't say a word. I just stare at him in silence.

"I'm sorry, babe. I didn't think that you wanted to be a part."

"It's a major decision, Onyx. I've told you that I didn't want to move."

"I know it's a big decision. And I know that you told me that you didn't want to move. But I believe deep in my heart if we can change our environment, it will change your spirit, and that will change our marriage. I'm doing what's right for us, MJ. You trusted me to be the head of your life and lead you in the right direction. Well, that's what I'm doing. I told you that I was going to do this the last time we argued."

"I know but...I guess I just didn't think that you'd actually go through with it."

"Go through with the house hunt or picking a house?"

"All of it, Onyx!"

I feel my emotions rising within me, and I want to throw a plate of food at him or have a tantrum or something. I'm mad because our life is moving on, and he's going on as if every day was the same, but I'm stuck in the past. It feels as if he's leaving me behind.

It seems like if I stay in this house and remain in my studio then maybe things will return to the way that they once were. Leaving is like a confirmation that things have changed for good. They're confirmation that I'm no longer the same, and neither is my marriage to Onyx.

I can't accept that. I need something to remain the same.

"I'll take you to see the house, and if you don't like it, we can look at some more houses. I haven't put an offer in on it yet. I was going to take you to look at it tomorrow, and then we could decide together."

"Don't you see? You've already decided without me! You're doing this and didn't even consider calling me up on FaceTime and letting me go through the house tour with you. It could have been a virtual tour!"

"I didn't know, Meadow. You showed zero interest in it at all. You knew that I was going each time I went—"

"Except for today!"

"Because you don't seem to care. It was just a spur-of-the-moment decision!"

"Just like your decision that we should move!"

"That wasn't spur of the moment, and you know it. I'm doing this for you, babe. For us."

"You're doing it for your damn self!"

"MJ, I can take you to see it tomorrow. I told you. It's no biggie."

His efforts to appease me are pissing me off.

"I don't want to look at the stupid house! I want to stay here in my home!"

"Where you don't feel safe because you're scared your attacker may have followed you home at some point? Where you always said that any fucking thing can happen because we're not living in a gated community? Where you're scared to walk out of the door?"

Grabbing my glass of tea, I throw it at him. "Fuck you, Onyx!"

He dodges it, but it doesn't miss him. His shirt is stained, and a few droplets speckle his face, and it drips from his beard. When he jumps up and rushes me, my heart races and not in a good way. For the first time fear fills me as to what my husband is about to do.

Onyx jerks me out of the chair by my arm and gets in my face. The warmth from his breath isn't as potent as the words coming from his mouth.

"The fuck is wrong with you, huh? I'm trying to do everything that I can to make you happy, and it's never good enough! You want me to leave, MJ? Huh? If so, just say the fucking words! Say it! Because you're doing everything you can to push me the fuck away, and I'm getting tired! You've become cold and heartless. You don't give a damn about me or my feelings anymore!"

"Let me go then," I whisper. "Just let me go. I don't want to be in this marriage anymore."

He stares furiously at me for several seconds before he releases me and storms away. I remain in the dining room until I hear him slam out of the house several minutes later.

I'm wrong for the way that I'm treating him, but inside I'm shut down. It's like I don't care about anything. A part of me wants to punish him for his wealth, for making my father right in his judgment about this family, and for what happened to me.

I honestly believe that if it weren't for Onyx's family, I wouldn't have been attacked, and I wouldn't be suffering from anxiety and panic attacks at every turn.

Worse still, our marriage wouldn't be fractured.

I don't know if I can save my marriage anymore. Worse still is that I don't know if I want to.

***

She's wearing an orange silk dress with black stilettos. Her dress clings to her curves, and everything about her is exotic, from the curl of her hair to the mole at the corner of her lips to the way that she moves.

She's not just beautiful; she's stunning. For the first time, I feel dowdy and plain. My five-four-toned but lithe frame looks boyish beside her five-eight thick and curvy one. It doesn't help that today, I opted for a tank top paired with leggings and thong sandals.

This woman is sensual and seductive all at once, and her perfume is expensive. I think about how Onyx always urges me to splurge on myself, and I'm always hesitant.

I seldom use the black card that he's given me but choose to use the money in my bank account from what I earn. The only time that I'll use that card is to purchase things for the house, but never for myself and never for Onyx.

It feels weird spending his money on him to buy something for him, so I don't. Spending his money on myself feels frivolous. But right now, I wish that I'd taken that damned black card and bought myself the sexiest dress that I could find to accent my body and a pair of stilettos to pump my ass to the next level.

My fingers toy with my thick, curly hair that I slicked back into a ponytail. It's hotter than normal for late June, so my hair is frizzing a bit.

"Mrs. Maxwell, do you like it?" she asks.

I look up at the framed artwork in the main lobby.

I ventured out of the house today, trying to deal with my anxiety. I'd stopped by to surprise Onyx with lunch today and had to wait for several long minutes while he finished a meeting.

When he finished the meeting, Sharla came down the hall from the conference room, but he hadn't. She stated that he had gone to use the restroom and had to stop by someone's office, but he should be back to his office soon.

I was speaking with Alicia, Onyx's executive administrative assistant when Sharla stopped by.

She was friendly enough, and so was I at first. That is until Onyx stepped out of his office, and his eyes rested on her and then me.

There was something familiar about the way that he looked at her.

I realize that I've been staring at her for a bit too long, and I've missed every word that she said. Instead, I was focused on looking at her and my husband standing beside one another, looking like the perfect power couple.

"I'm sorry, what?"

She smiles. "The mural. Do you like it?"

"Yes, it's beautiful."

"It's not complete yet, but I convinced the executive management team, including Onyx, that we should do something to liven up these drab walls. There are going to be several down each hallway, but this is the first one."

I look at Onyx and he smiles weirdly at me, looking sick. After our argument last night, I woke up early this morning and apologized to him. I can't help but wonder if the late nights that he recently started working have something to do with her presence.

I chide myself because my husband is a damn good man. I've placed a lot of stress on him lately with my whirlwind of emotions, but he's still a good man.

"Alicia told me that you paint," Sharla says.

I slant a glance at Onyx's executive administrative assistant wondering why she felt the need to speak on me. Why were either of them discussing me?

"Um, yeah, I play around. Nothing professional."

"We're inviting local artists from the community to participate in designing the murals. We're thinking of landscapes and landmarks around Charleston. What do you think? Would you be interested?"

I glance at my husband, who shrugs and scratches his eyebrow. "It's up to you. It's a great idea, but...your decision to make," Onyx adds.

I look at him darkly and struggle not to roll my eyes. I get the impression that he doesn't really want me to do it, but he can't tell me that. Not in front of his assistant and...Sharla, whomever she's supposed to be.

"When it's finished, we plan to invite the news media in, some photographers, a few art galleries, and the local art schools to come and check it out. Some of the people we've extended an invitation to are excited about the possibility of showcasing their art. I thought we might even make it a special night for the community. Perhaps hire a band or orchestra, maybe do some sort of fundraiser, and you could possibly choreograph a dance to put on for the guests," she suggests with a smile.

My belly knots, and I look from Onyx to Sharla. Is she serious right now? I don't want or need to showcase my art to anyone. That's personal and not something I've ever put on display for anyone. As far as my dancers are concerned, I haven't choreographed anything in a while, and I'm not particularly inspired to do it now.

I force a smile to my lips, nodding. "I'll think about it and let my husband know."

"I'm sure that Onyx would be proud to have your works displayed here in his business. Wouldn't you?" she asks, looking at him before finally looking at me.

That pisses me off because he doesn't need her to speak for him. And then it hits me like a punch to the solar plexus. She's into him, like really into him. I mean, who wouldn't be because Onyx is handsome and fine as hell? He has a swimmer's body with broad shoulders, a tapered waist and a strong back, arm and leg muscles. Although he's in his mid-thirties, he still has abs of steel.

His full, thick red lips are pouty and kissably soft. Dark curly hair swirls in varying directions on his head, and that same soft hair covers his jaws and chin and forms a gorgeous mustache above his lips. Thanks to his mixed parentage, he has gorgeous golden skin with a hint of bronze.

My husband towers over both of us comfortably at six-three.

I swallow thickly, and my hands reach out to take Onyx's fingers into my own. Looking up at him, I see that his jaw is working, and I wonder what he's thinking. I once could read his mind, but lately, I've been shut out.

Or rather, I've blocked myself out.

"Again, let me think on it and I'll let Onyx know what I want to do. Is there a deadline, Onyx?"

He pulls his gaze away from some distant place and smiles down at me and I know the smile is fake. With a nod, he says, "You can take all the time you need, sweetheart."

I look between the two of them now, and I see her staring at him again with that same enamored expression as before. I can tell that she wishes she was holding his hand or that he was looking at her instead of me.

I can't help but wonder if he feels the same way about her that she so clearly feels about him.

She swallows and looks away before she says, "Okay. Well, if that will be all, I'll let you two get back to it."

Onyx clears his throat and says, "Uh, yes. Sharla, is there a deadline on this thing? I don't want to get too far ahead of myself."

This is so unlike my husband to defer to someone else for a decision, especially involving his business.

I pull away from the conversation, go into his office, and look out the window while the two of them discuss another meeting they need to have.

Will he be comfortable with me working here around him?

Am I trading in one insecurity for another?

How long have they been fucking?

***

"What?"

"You heard me! I asked how long you have been fucking her?"

We're in the middle of another disastrous dinner. Onyx's jaw ticks, and he balls up his napkin and tosses it onto the table.

"Where are you going?"

"Away from you."

"You're not going to answer my question?"

"No!"

"Why?"

"Because it's insane. You're fucking insane, Meadow. You were rude to the woman, barely acknowledging her or answering her questions. It's not like she didn't have work that she needed to be doing, but being courteous, she came and talked to you until I returned."

"I didn't ask to be entertained, Onyx. I'm your wife! I don't need her babysitting me."

"She wasn't babysitting you. Just being courteous to the CEO's wife! Now, when we get home, you have the nerve to ask if I'm cheating on you?"

"A question you refuse to answer."

"No, I refuse to answer to ignorance!"

"It's not ignorant, Onyx! You've been acting strangely lately. Now that I've seen the two of you together, I know why. I see how she looks at you and how you work hard as hell to avoid looking at her. When you think that I'm not looking, that's when you sneak a peek in her direction!" I shout, getting up to follow him upstairs.

The dinner, dishes, and dessert are forgotten as I chase behind him to the guest bedroom, where he starts undressing.

"I'm not doing this with you. You're delusional."

"Why?"

"Because you're the one that has become insecure, Meadow. I've done nothing to make you that way. Nothing. I'm committed to this marriage. Are you?"

I can hear the chill in his voice as clearly as I can hear the shaking of his voice. He's struggling to keep his composure and not shout at me. Onyx doesn't like arguing, and I generally don't either, but I'm ready to start a war now.

I don't even know why when I'm the one who's been backing him into a corner.

"Of course I am! How dare you ask me that?"

"I dare because you've kicked me out of the bedroom, and we can't even have simple conversations anymore, let alone discuss how we ended up here. I dare because you freeze up whenever I touch you! And when you do have sex with me, it's cold and passionless!"

"I'm stressed out! It has nothing to do with you, Onyx!"

"Doesn't it? Because I'm your husband, and if you won't let me in, let me protect you, let me love you, then what am I even doing here?"

His body bristles with rage as his fists clench at his side, and his burnished bronze skin turns a deep shade of red. Onyx's jaw clenches so tightly I'm scared he'll break a tooth. His chest heaves up and down as he glares at me, and I can tell that he's holding on by a thread.

A gossamer thread that I'm determined to break, and I don't even know why I'm starting this fight with him.

Yes, I do. I need to feel something. Even if it's just anger. I've gone for months feeling empty and barren. I need this.

"I love you, Onyx!" I shout at him.

"Then show me, MJ. Please show me. I'm begging just to touch you. I need to feel loved, too. My wife is the only one that I want..." he says, walking closer to me. "You're the only one that I need, MJ."

Tears fall down my face as he pulls me into his arms. Onyx kisses my shoulder, my neck, and then my lips. I feel my body coming alive, and I wrap my arms around him.

"God, I want you so bad. I need you," he mutters into the side of my neck, lifting me and carrying me to bed.

When he undresses me and opens me up for him, I lie motionless on the bed. I receive him into my body, but all I can think about is my husband falling in love with another woman. Does he still have feelings for his ex?

I wrap my arms around him, close my eyes, and tears pour forth. Onyx is so deep into what he's doing that he never notices, which hurts even more.

Does he even see me anymore?

And when he's finished, he climbs off me, walks into the attached bathroom and slams the door behind him.

Not once did he ask how it felt to me. Not once did he ask me if I came.

There once was a time when all those things were important to him. Now, I feel like nothing more than a receptacle to receive what he has to offer.

Grabbing my clothes off the floor, I leave the guest bedroom and solemnly trudge down the hall to the master suite.

My mind turns back to how I met him at the nightclub and how I thought he was the finest specimen I'd ever seen. Someone that I wanted to get to know. Everything that I'd learned about the man was beautiful, and I hadn't regretted anything about him since meeting him.

I didn't regret him until four months ago. It's been that long since that savage stole my security and sense of self. It's been that long since I gave up on my marriage.

How can I remain in a marriage when the man that I'm married to is the reason that I was assaulted? The one person who was supposed to protect me was the one person who led to my attack.

My life has become a senseless nightmare, and the only thing that I can do is release Onyx from it. He deserves better than what I'm capable of giving right now.

Which is nothing.

I have to go away to find myself again.