11: MEADOW

"How long will you be gone this time, Onyx?" I ask.

"Four days max, MJ. What's the problem?" Onyx asks, setting his laptop on the ottoman at his feet.

"You're always gone. I thought once the global expansion ended that you'd be home more."

"MJ, I am home. I'm home more often than I'm not. Nick, Janice, Mia, and Mike have been making these trips overseas so that I can stay closer to home. I can't keep making up excuses to send them instead of me on these trips."

"Isn't that what you pay them for?"

"No. I should be the one making these trips. Not them, but they do it when I ask, and they don't question me. They want to be home with their families, too. This new project that I'm taking on won't require me to be gone as long as some of the overseas projects."

"Okay, fine," I say, walking out of the den.

I hear him moving around, and I know that he's coming after me. I've made a habit of walking away from arguments that I start lately. Realistically, I know that I'm tripping, but it's so hard to let go of the pain and the frustration.

"It's not fine, MJ. What's going on?" he asks, following me into the kitchen where I head to the sink to rinse off tonight's dinner dishes.

"I'm scared."

"Of what?" he pleads.

"Everything."

"I'm happy that you're beginning to admit your fears. It gives me hope that perhaps you'll let me in this time. But honey, I need you to be specific. What are you afraid of?"

"Of being alone, okay? I'm always worried that someone will break in when you're gone. I feel that way when you're at work during the day. Now you're going to be gone for almost a week. I don't know if I'm comfortable with that."

Sighing, he drags his hand down his face.

"Look, MJ. This was never an issue for us before. How am I supposed to work when I have to stay home at your side to make sure that you're okay? This is why you need counseling."

"What's that going to do?"

"Get you back to the frame of mind that you were in before the assault. Or at least compartmentalize some things so you can decipher the rational from the irrational."

"I don't need to talk to anyone, Onyx. I need my husband."

"Today. But yesterday, it was all ‘get away from me.' What's it going to be tomorrow, MJ? Because honestly, you're fickle as hell and where I once thought I knew you, I realize now that I don't know you at all anymore."

"I just want you here with me while I work through this!" I toss a cup in the sink and turn to face him.

"I have a corporation to run, and I can't run it staying at home day in and out."

"That's what technology is for. Can't you work from home and have virtual meetings?"

"Every day, MJ? That's illogical."

"Is it?" I ask, turning to him.

"Yes, and you know that it is. Why are you being so difficult?"

"I don't think that I am."

Onyx places his hands on his hips and says, "I'm leaving for Vegas in the morning. You can come with me, or you can stay here. That's up to you."

Laughing, I ask, "What makes you think that I'd feel any safer there than I would at home? If anything, going there would be worse."

"Because I'll be there with you."

"No, you won't be with me there. You'll be in and out of meetings all day. That's the only thing you've ever done when I've accompanied you on work trips in the past. How would this be any different?"

Dropping his head, he replies, "It won't."

"Exactly."

"Tell me, baby. What is it that you want me to do?"

"I don't know, okay!" I cry, breaking down in tears.

He walks to me and places his hands on my shoulders squeezing before he pulls me to him. Onyx wraps me in his arms and rests his chin on my head.

"MJ, what's happening to us, babe?" he says softly.

I rock my head from side to side, sniffling.

"I wish I knew, Onyx. I wish that I could change things, but I can't."

"Look, I get why you're upset about the assault, and you don't feel safe. But I've tried to do everything within my power to help you, and you won't let me."

"Move to another studio? Sell my dream home?" I ask, pulling from his embrace.

"I want to get you away from where the attack happened. Our home is close to your studio."

"And then what? If something happens in another location, we pack up and move from there too? I can't run every time something bad happens."

Onyx"s face screws up as he looks at me. "Are you serious right now? You do realize that's exactly what you've done, right? You run every time you refuse to go to the studio or operate the way that you once did. You're running away and giving this guy power over you, over us, over me, damn it!"

"What do you want me to do, Onyx?"

"The same damn thing I've been asking. Talk to a professional!"

"What am I going to tell them that I haven't already told you?"

"I don't know, MJ," he says tiredly. "I just know that I'm not skilled at this. You need someone who can help you. I'm getting overwhelmed by this, and I know I shouldn't say this, but all I want to do these days is find a quiet place where I can be alone with my thoughts. There's no peace in this house."

"Do you think that I like living this way?"

"I'm beginning to be uncertain. I don't know anymore."

My bottom lip trembles, and my stomach pitches, but I owe him the truth.

"Onyx, the man that assaulted me insinuated that he once worked for your father."

My husband's mouth drops open, and his eyes widen as he walks closer to me.

"What?"

Nodding, I say, "He told me that the Maxwells, your father and uncle specifically, walk all over people. He says men like them don't notice men like him. He says that he decided to get to your dad indirectly through me."

"Are you serious?"

I nod.

"Why are you just now telling me this?" he asks, grabbing me by the shoulders and shaking me.

"Because I...I knew that you would go back to your father and tell him what happened. I didn't want them to know what happened to me. I don't want anyone pitying me."

Onyx's sand-colored face turns red. Baring his teeth, he says, "That's not the only reason that you didn't tell me, is it?"

I close my eyes, and he shakes me.

"Stop!" I scream.

Onyx backs up several steps with his hands in the air. "I can't do this. How in the fuck can I protect you when you don't trust me to protect you or trust me with your truth? Don't even trust me to touch you."

Tears spring to my eyes because I know that he's telling the truth.

"The reason you didn't tell me was because you didn't want to admit that you believed your father was right. I know what he said about me and my family because he's said it to me on numerous occasions. You don't want to admit that I was a mistake."

I bite my bottom lip as Onyx grows blurred through my teary vision.

"I'm sorry, Onyx."

Ignoring my comment, he says, "I'll find out who the bastard is, and he'll pay. I swear to God, I will. In the meantime, you need to figure out what you want from me. If I can't protect you, love you, touch you, or be trusted with your secrets, why are you still with me, MJ?"

"I do trust you."

"No, you don't!"

"I just need...time."

"That's all I've been giving you is time, MJ! You don't need time! You don't need space. You need to be honest with yourself and me. You don't want this marriage anymore. I may not know all the reasons behind that, but I know that to be true."

"You're wrong," I say softly but without conviction.

"Tell me," Onyx says, walking back to me and tipping my chin up. "Look me in the eyes and tell me that our marriage is worth fighting for. Tell me that I'm worth fighting for."

"Both you and this marriage are worth fighting for, Onyx."

"But..."

"But we don't want the same things. We both know this. All I want is a family. You're content with letting my assault and my refusing to get counseling be the reason why now is not the time for us to do that."

"You're right, MJ. I don't think we should have kids right now, and your assault isn't the only reason."

"Then what?" I challenge.

"Honestly...I don't know if we're going to make it. And I refuse to bring a child into a home where we're not certain where we'll be a year from now."

"Let that be the reason tonight. There's always an excuse, Onyx."

"You should know," he mutters sarcastically as he turns and leaves me standing in the kitchen alone.

Why is it so hard to let go of something that you know has run its course, especially when you've been in that relationship for a while?