FIVE NADIA

F IVE

N ADIA

Nadia slept in Rafe's room. The sound of the machines keeping him alive oddly kept her calm. They made her feel like he was still there with her, even though he wasn't. Geri, the nurse, offered Nadia a cot, but she refused. She wanted to hold him. Lie next to him one last time. She hadn't come to terms with what had happened and honestly expected to never understand why her husband had to die. Nadia also hadn't watched the news and had stopped listening to Otto after he'd said "freak accident." Accident or not, Rafe had lost his life doing something he loved, but not enough to be ripped away from his family.

While Otto and Cleo had their time with Rafe, Nadia had met with the police. Although the crash investigation was still in its preliminary stages, they told her the car that hit Rafe had lost its brakes. The driver, who they didn't name, had honked and tried to alert people. Most were able to move out of the way. Even Rafe.

Except the woman he saved. She didn't hear the car, and he pushed her out of the way, but he was unable to get himself to safety before the car hit him.

Rafe was being touted as a hero.

Nadia wanted to puke. She didn't want him to be a hero to anyone but her and the girls.

When Hazel had brought the girls to the hospital, Nadia had done her best. She hugged them tightly and told them what had happened, and how their daddy was no longer with them. Gemma cried instantly, while Lynnea had questions. Each one started with "Why."

Why did this happen?

Why Daddy?

Why will Daddy not wake up?

Why can't the doctors help him?

Why?

Why?

Why?

Nadia had the same questions. The girls had said their goodbyes, given their dad one last kiss, and then gone home with Hazel, who promised to shield them from the television. As much as Nadia wanted her girls with her, they were best off with Hazel for the time being. Nadia needed to be a wife to Rafe in his last moments.

Later, when everyone seemed exhausted and no one knew what they were supposed to do, Nadia, Otto, and Cleo met with staff about Rafe becoming an organ donor. They gave the family brochures for something called the United Network for Organ Sharing, or UNOS.

Cleo was vehemently against it, saying she didn't want her baby boy chopped up like some science experiment gone wrong, while Otto had concerns about who would get Rafe's organs. He didn't want someone who didn't deserve his organs to get them over someone who did.

Nadia was numb. She may have been present in the room, hearing the staff talk about what a final gift organ donation would be for Rafe, but she wasn't listening. Her mind and soul were in the room with him. Willing him to defy every odd there was and wake up. Because she knew she would never see him smile again, hear his voice, or feel his touch, she wasn't in any hurry to unplug him.

Still, a decision had to be made, and she was the one to make it. Unless Cleo found a way to stop her.

They had fought in the hallway. Cleo told Nadia that she was Rafe's mother and should be the one to decide what happened to him. Nadia let her say her piece. She had to. His mother grieved, and Nadia imagined she'd feel the same way if it was one of the girls in there and she and her husband had to make this choice. It wasn't easy, and yet it seemed so simple. Rafe had organs that would help others live longer, better lives. Why shouldn't his memory live on in this way?

Would he have wanted this?

Nadia struggled with that question. Organ donation wasn't something they'd ever discussed, and it wasn't listed on their driver's licenses. It wasn't something she'd ever thought about because this—the situation they were in—wasn't supposed to happen to them. They were good people who loved their children, their jobs, their community. They gave back and volunteered. They donated clothes, books, and toys all year long, not just over the holidays. God was supposed to look out for them.

She looked at her husband, peaceful and resting. With Geri's help, they'd cleaned his face and hands. He no longer looked like someone who'd been hit by a car but a man who slept deeply. Oh, how she wished she could wake him.

The door to his room opened, and her parents, Warren and Lorraine Bolton, walked in. They had driven to Boston from Washington, DC, stopping along the way to pick up Nadia's brother, Reuben, and older sister, Sienna.

Nadia rose and fell into her mother's open arms. Sobs racked her body, and tears that she thought had long dried up streamed down her cheeks. Her father wrapped them both into his strong arms and soothed her. Normally, his touch would calm her, but not today. Probably not ever again.

"What am I going to do?"

Nadia didn't expect them to answer. There wasn't one to give. No one knew how to cope after something like this. Her healthy husband had run in an annual road race and was now dead because someone's brakes had failed. Was it the driver's fault? In a sense, yes. What were they doing going down the street at a high rate of speed to begin with? Why didn't they downshift? Apply the emergency brake? How does someone not listen to their car when it needs new brakes? How could someone be so irresponsible?

Now, Nadia sounded like Lynnea with all her questions.

"We'll figure it out as we go," Lorraine Bolton told her daughter. "Dad and I aren't going anywhere until you're ready."

"What if I'm never ready?" Nadia stepped back and watched their expressions.

"Then I guess we're moving to Boston," Warren said. "Wherever you need us, we'll be there."

Nadia stepped aside and gave her parents a moment with Rafe. Her parents sobbed at the sight of their son-in-law. Warren and Rafe, along with Reuben, were golfing buddies and had traveled to Georgia to attend the Masters last year. This year, the plan was for everyone to take a cruise, and while the guys golfed on some tropical island, the women would shop. Lorraine had arranged for Hazel's younger sister to come so there would be a babysitter for Nadia's two girls and her sister's two boys.

"How are Cleo and Otto?" Lorraine asked.

"Otto's okay, but Cleo ..." Nadia took a deep breath and shook her head. "Rafe's organs are viable for donation. His heart, lungs, kidneys, and liver, and the doctor said something about tissue." Nadia wiped her hand across her face. "Cleo doesn't want him cut open and says it's her choice as his mother, but I'm his wife, and it's my decision. Yet I don't know what to do. Like, this shouldn't be my husband lying there."

Nadia cried. Her mom came to her and pulled her into her arms. "We were supposed to grow old together, and now he won't watch our girls graduate or get married. They probably won't even remember him in ten or fifteen years. And I know I'm going to forget the way his laugh sounds or his voice, the way he smells. Even now, I try to hear his voice in my head, and I can't. It's fuzzy and garbled, like he's underwater."

"Once the shock wears off, everything you love about him will be fresh in your mind."

Nadia didn't believe her mother.

"I don't know what he would want. We never talked about this or what songs would play at our funerals. He's only forty! He's not supposed to be dead, Mom." Nadia looked at her mom and began crying again. "Look at my husband." She pointed at Rafe's body. "He can't even hold me one last time."

Warren came over and wrapped his arms around Nadia, while Lorraine stepped away to dry her eyes. She excused herself from the room, leaving them alone.

"It's not fair, sweetheart."

"All he wanted to do was run, Daddy. And now look at him. He's gone. I've lost my husband, and my girls have lost their father. How is this fair?"

"It's not," Warren said. "It was an accident, honey. Rafe saved a woman."

But not himself.

He saved a woman.

"Are you saying I should donate his organs?"

Warren led his daughter to some chairs, and they sat. He held her hand in his. "I think Rafe would want to help people, as long as they're people that are going to use the gift of life to their advantage."

"Otto said the same thing. He told the doctors he didn't want someone who's mistreated their body to get a second chance over someone who can't help but need a transplant or whatever."

"If you decide to do this, will Cleo be a problem?"

Nadia shrugged. "I don't know. She lost her son. Her pride and joy. She may not be thinking clearly. Hell, I'm not thinking clearly. Last night I asked the nurse if I could take him home because I think he'd want to die there, where he's comfortable, but he doesn't know. He's not even alive right now. The machine is breathing for him until I give them the okay to unplug him."

"Is there a chance—"

Nadia shook her head. "I had thought the same thing. I honestly expected a miracle once he heard my voice. The doctors showed me an x-ray or whatever it was of where he sustained most of the trauma." Nadia covered her face with her hands. "He's just gone, Daddy."

Warren sniffled and rested his head on his daughter's shoulder. "I'm so sorry, baby girl."

"It's just not fair. We weren't done living. He wasn't done being a father."

"No, he definitely wasn't," her dad said. "Whatever you and the girls need from me, I'll be there."

The knock on the door had Nadia and Warren sitting upright. The nurse, Geri, stepped in and smiled softly. She had taken Rafe as her patient during her shift, even though doing so wasn't normal. Staff rotated patients to avoid getting too close to them.

"Hi, Nadia," Geri said when she entered. She went over and checked the machines, which Nadia imagined hadn't changed. She had studied the monitors for a long time, and every line held steady.

"Any signs of a miracle heading our way?" Warren gave a little chuckle at the end of his question, hoping to lighten the mood. Nadia squeezed his hand in appreciation. She would need laughter, love, and whatever else her friends and family could provide her moving forward.

Geri smiled grimly. "Each time I come in, I wish I could give you a little hope." She shook her head slightly and sighed. "As is, I'm the bearer of bad news. Rafe's sister and her children are in the waiting room and want some private time with him."

Nadia fought hard not to roll her eyes. "Those children don't need to see their uncle like this."

This time, Warren squeezed her hand.

Nadia sighed. "What else?"

"The doctors want to meet with you again regarding organ donation."

Nadia covered her face with her hands and groaned. Warren wrapped his arm around her shoulders and leaned in. "Come on, let's give Freya time with her brother."

She nodded, but she still had no idea what the right thing to do was. Rafe was a selfless man who would do anything for anyone, so it made sense to her that he'd want to help as many people as possible. On the other hand, the idea of doctors chopping up her husband for pieces unnerved her. Even if she knew that wasn't how things worked.

With a deep inhale, she nodded. "You can let my sister-in-law in and tell the doctors I'm ready to make a decision."

Warren kissed the side of her head. "I'm proud of you, no matter which way you decide."

"Thanks."

Moments later, Freya Andersen walked in with her son, Leif, and her daughter, Astrid. Leif was three years older than Gemma, and Astrid was a year younger than Lynnea. Behind the kids, Freya's husband, Lars, took up most of the doorway.

Nadia hugged Freya and the kids, and then Lars. He and Rafe had been close, and she imagined he probably wanted his own time with his brother-in-law.

"I'll give you guys some time with him."

"Auntie Nadia." Astrid's small voice stopped Nadia in her tracks. "Will you still be my auntie after Uncle Rafe goes to heaven?"

Nadia crouched to her niece's level and pushed her pin-straight blonde hair away from her crystal-blue eyes. "I'll always be your auntie, Astrid. Always and forever." She kissed the child's forehead and fought back a sob. If adults couldn't understand death, how could children? Nadia left the room, closing the door behind her, and made her way toward the waiting room, where most of her family sat.

When she rounded the corner, strong arms wrapped around her waist in surprise. "Hey, what are you guys doing here?" she asked of her twelve- and ten-year-old nephews, Lincoln and Jaxon.

"Hey, Nadia." Adam, her former brother-in-law, came up behind her. "Sienna called and asked me to bring the boys up." Nadia hugged Adam. She had always liked him and was sad when he and her sister divorced.

"Thank you, Adam. I'm glad you're here. After Freya's done, you can go say your goodbyes."

"We appreciate that," he said as he gripped Lincoln's shoulder.

Nadia led her nephews into the waiting room, where her brother Reuben sat, along with their sister.

"When's the last time you ate?" Sienna asked Nadia.

"I don't even know." She shook her head. "Maybe I'll walk down to the cafeteria."

Sienna shot Adam a look. He cleared his throat. "How about I grab you something?"

"I'm okay, I could use a break. I think." Nadia rose and came face to face with Cleo; her anguish was clear on her face. Nadia couldn't begin to fathom how Cleo felt, and she didn't ever want to think of herself in the same situation. Children are supposed to outlive their parents. She went to her mother-in-law and hugged her tightly. The two women began to sob and were cocooned by the others. No one needed to see their grief.

When they parted, Cleo cupped Nadia's face. She opened her mouth to speak, but there were no words. Nadia nodded. She understood. Warren pulled Nadia into his strong arms and held her. Nadia needed her parents. And Rafe's.

"I'm going to get us some coffee," Adam said, giving them a small reprieve from the sorrow-filled room.

"Adam." Sienna said his name quietly. "Maybe order from the nearest Dunkin'. I think everyone deserves something fresh and not that watered-down crap from the basement."

"Good idea." He pulled his phone out of his pocket and typed as Warren directed Nadia to a chair.

"Why aren't you in there with Rafe?" Otto asked.

"Freya, Lars, and the kids are in there now. I wanted them to spend time alone with Rafe."

"I'm going to go see them," Cleo said and then walked off. Again, Nadia fought against rolling her eyes. Her thoughts on Cleo were topsy-turvy at best. She was an amazing grandmother, but a meddler as a parent. Freya and Rafe couldn't do anything without Cleo expecting some sort of consultation. When women joke that mothers and sons need to cut the cord—well, it wasn't much of a joke when it came to Cleo and Rafe. Nadia had thrown him a cord-cutting party the first time he'd told his mother no. Once he'd said it the first time, he said it more often.

Just never to Nadia.

By the time the coffee arrived, Freya and her brood had come out of Rafe's room, red eyed and with tearstained cheeks. The others exchanged greetings. Freya sat next to Sienna, while Adam and Lars stood, and the kids sat on the floor. The kids didn't need to be there, but they weren't hers, and there wasn't much she could do about it.

The voice of her nephew Lincoln rang out. "Aunt Nadia." She looked at him. "Do you think it's okay if we go in and say goodbye to Uncle Rafe now?"

Tears fell from her eyes as she nodded. "Of course it is."

Sienna kissed her sister on her cheek as she passed by and took her boys and Adam toward Rafe's room. Nadia watched them until they'd disappeared.

"I should probably call the funeral home," Cleo said to the rest of them.

"Please don't," Nadia stated quietly.

"You have enough on your plate," Cleo replied.

Nadia shook her head slightly and sighed. "I want to organize my husband's funeral. It's something ..." She paused, closed her eyes, and let the tears stream down her cheeks.

"It's something Nadia needs to do," Warren said for his daughter. "As much as we all want to help, I think our efforts are going to be best used where the girls are concerned, on the household, and helping Nadia where she needs."

Cleo said nothing.

Nadia couldn't be with her at the moment and stood. "I'm going ..." She pointed toward the hall. "I need a moment."

She walked down the hall, past the wooden doors leading to intensive care, past the small room where a doctor had shattered her world, and around a corner, where she found a solarium, lit up by the sun. She'd had no idea they were on the top floor of the hospital until she opened the door and stepped in.

Inside the solarium were a couch and a couple of chairs, with a fountain in one corner and a flower garden in another. This could easily be a place for prayer or a sanctuary away from the madness down the hall. It made sense for this room to be near the roof, closer to where people believed heaven was.

The sun enveloped her in warmth. She closed her eyes and absorbed the energy, wishing she could turn back the clock to Saturday morning and ask him not to run. They could drive out to Cape Cod instead and let the girls play in the sand and surf.

Nadia had long given up on wiping her tears away. She let them flow down her cheeks, onto the shirt her mother had brought from the house, and even onto her arms.

She lay down on the couch and stared through the glass ceiling at the blue, cloudless sky. If they were home, the girls would be outside and Rafe would be on their deck, turning the grill on for burgers and dogs, while Nadia sat on their swing with a book in her lap, secretly admiring her husband. She choked on a sob and didn't bother trying to stop it. She was the only one in the room, so no one was there to judge her.

Crying was supposed to be cathartic. It wasn't. She feared nothing would ever ease the pain she felt. Her husband had been gone for a day, and she missed him something fierce. She had to accept that once the machines were turned off, she'd never feel his heart beating against her hand or the warmth of his touch. Once he was sealed into a coffin, she'd never see him again.

"Rafe, please tell me what I'm supposed to do here."

A whooshing sound and a shadow appeared overhead. She caught the tail end of a helicopter flying by. Nadia stood and walked to the corner of the room and watched it land on the helipad. Once the blades had slowed, two people carrying a cooler ran toward the helicopter and got on. Then it was airborne again. She knew from her many shows that the cooler contained an organ destined to go and save someone's life.

Nadia had never been one to believe in signs until now. With a deep breath, she left the room and walked back to where her family waited, feeling a newfound purpose. When she reached the edge of the waiting room, she cleared her throat.

"I've decided to donate Rafe's organs. It's what he would want." She looked directly at Rafe's parents and sister. Otto nodded, while Freya sent daggers her way and comforted her mother.

To her own parents, she said, "Please have Hazel bring the girls. I want them here." She then left to go find the doctor.

An hour later, Nadia, Gemma, and Lynnea held hands and followed Rafe's bed into the elevator. When they reached the surgical floor, the doors opened to strangers lining both sides of the hall: nurses, orderlies, doctors, and other hospital staff, and the police officer who had helped her yesterday, along with other police officers, firefighters, and medics. At the end of the hall was their family. As Rafe passed by, everyone took their turn saying goodbye.

Before the doctor pressed the button to open the doors and take her husband and her children's father away, she told the girls to say their last goodbye.

"Dance with me in heaven, Daddy," Gemma said as she kissed her dad.

"I love you, Daddy," Lynnea cried as she said goodbye.

Nadia gripped Rafe's warm hand. "I will love you forever," she told him as she pushed her fingers through his hair. "Thank you for loving me, Rafe Karlsson."

She nodded to the surgeon and stepped back from his bed. She stared at the ground, unable to watch him disappear behind the doors.