THIRTY REID

T HIRTY

R EID

It had been two weeks since Grayson had gone to Boston and come back with a somewhat life-altering confession. After she'd walked out, she'd gone to the park and sat at the playground, where she watched families play. Some children were there with both parents, some with a mom or dad or someone who could've been a babysitter. What Reid did was imagine the mom who was there, pushing her young son on the swing and then taking him down the slide, as Nadia. Reid would refer to Grayson's ex by her name because she was more than his ex, and she suspected they'd know each other before too long. If Reid and Grayson were going to stay together, and if he insisted on being in the girls' lives, he'd have to come clean to Nadia.

The young woman with the baby kept Reid's attention. She watched how she doted on the boy, showering him with hugs and kisses, and not making a big deal when he fell. He didn't cry but showed her his hand, which she kissed, apparently making it all better.

Reid barely remembered her mom, and of what she did remember, she wasn't sure if they were her real memories or stories she'd heard over the years. Countless times, her grandmother or one of her aunts would start a story with "When your mom ..." or "Your mom used to ...," and those stories had somehow turned into moments Reid remembered as happening. The mind is funny that way, creating falsehood and blurring the lines between what's real and what's not.

Sort of like how Grayson felt with his heart. There was very little scientific proof to back up his claim, or others' assertion that cellular memory existed. Reid had done her own research after Grayson told her about Boston. She searched every keyword she could think of, read every article, and scoured the bookstores for reading material on the subject. Very few existed, which scared her in ways she hadn't imagined. Her mind told her Grayson was imagining things or making up answers for whatever validation he sought. It also made her think that he could become a test subject, for that matter, and she didn't like that. What he felt was personal to him and his experience, and she wasn't sure it needed to be shared. At least not with the outside world.

While she sat there, her phone rang, pulling her from her musings as she watched a stranger interacting with a child. Grayson's photo filled her screen. Her finger rested on the silence button as she contemplated whether she wanted to talk to him or not. If she sent him to voicemail, he'd continue to call or text. She answered.

"Are you okay?" he asked her.

She thought for a moment at the open-ended question. Physically, she was fine. She wasn't hurt or in any danger that she knew of. Emotionally, she was a wreck and confused, and she didn't know how to process everything Grayson had told her. Reid wanted to support him, but she thought he'd gone too far.

"I'm okay, Grayson."

"Where are you? Can I come to you?"

She said yes before she could stop the word from coming out. Every fiber of her being wanted to be with him, near him, even though her heart and mind conflicted with one another.

"I'm at the park. Where the playground is."

"I'll be there in a minute."

He hung up. It would take him ten to get there. She called Melanie. When she answered, she told her everything as fast as she could. All Reid wanted was a little bit of advice on how to handle the situation or move forward.

"Wait, did he hook up with her?"

"No," Reid told her. She believed Grayson when he'd said he hadn't cheated, and she had no reason to say otherwise. Even before they were dating, he'd rarely dated other women, and the few times when he had gone out, he'd end up crashing at her place or calling her when he'd arrived home far too early for a date to be over.

A cheater he wasn't.

What he'd done was so out of character for him that there was no way she wouldn't forgive him, but it wouldn't be easy.

"What do I do?" she asked Melanie.

"Shit if I know," she told her. "I mean, my first inclination is to kick his ass out, but what if this is real, Reid? Like, what if what he's feeling is a legit thing?"

"That's what I'm worried about. What if he wants to be with them? He has a history with her, and now there are these two girls who lost their dad, who apparently have a hold on Grayson. Where does that leave me?"

"I don't know, sweetie. But you definitely have to talk to him. Let him know you're scared. Maybe you should go with him to one of his therapy appointments. A third-party professional will be able to give you more advice than little ole me. I'm the ‘dump first and ask questions later' type, which is why I'm the old maid of honor at your wedding."

Reid smiled at what Melanie said. "He's coming this way," she told her friend. "He called, and I told him where I was. As much as I want to stay mad at him, I can't. But I'm scared."

"Grayson loves you, Reid. I highly doubt he'd do anything to jeopardize your relationship. And if he does, he'll be looking for that new heart at the bottom of the Potomac. Believe me, this would be a surgery he'd feel because I wouldn't put him under."

"Brutal."

"Look, you know how I feel. You waited for this dude. If he messes up, he deserves whatever comes his way. I'll remind you of what you told me: communication is key."

"It is, and he lied."

"So, get him on the lying part and help him figure out the rest. Just tell him, no more secrets."

"He's here—I'll call you back."

Grayson approached the bench where she sat. Instead of sitting down, he cupped her cheek and pressed his lips to hers. The kiss was tender but spoke volumes. "I love you," he said as he sat down next to her. She never took her eyes off him.

"Of all the places, why here?"

Reid shrugged and found herself moving closer to him when he placed his arm behind her. "I don't know. I was in the park, heard laughter, and came over. I've been people-watching."

"Anything interesting?"

"Not really. I guess I thought if I watched the other parents with their kids, I'd be able to understand what you've told me."

"And do you?"

She looked into his eyes and shook her head. "No, and I'm sorry for that. I think your situation is unique. You were given this gift of life, and with that came a lot of changes. Not only physically but personally as well. I can't help but wonder—if you knew you were getting a new heart and had gone through the required therapy beforehand, would this still be a thing?"

"I don't see how it wouldn't be," he told her. "I've come to terms with my own mortality. At first, yeah, I was angry, scared, and felt unworthy. But this feeling, it didn't start right away. Or maybe it did, and I chalked it up to those jabs of pain the doc said I'd get. The best I can liken it to is being homesick or going on a long vacation and being eager to get home. Those little girls are home, in the sense it's what my heart needs to heal. It's a testament to the type of man and father he was, who I want to be. For all I know, they need it too. I looked up those heart bears or whatever they're called. I could do that for them eventually. Give them back a piece of their father."

"You make it sound like you intend to be a part of their lives, Grayson."

"I do," he told her. "And I'm hoping you'll be with me."

She shook her head and looked off into the distance.

"Reid, will you talk to me, please?"

Her head turned instantly, and her eyes glared. "Like you talked to me about all of this before you acted? Before you stopped to consider how I'd feel?"

"I—this isn't about you, it's about—"

"It's about us, Grayson," she said, pointing between them. "We are supposed to be doing all of this together, remember? Because before it was you and it was me, and then you promised me things, and now you're ..." She trailed off and wiped angrily at her wet cheeks.

"I'm what?"

Reid couldn't look at him. Not now. "You're pushing me away. Giving me these excuses, and I fear they're not going to stop, that you'll come up with something else in a few months, and we'll be right back to where we are now—me not trusting you fully—and I hate that feeling, Grayson." She looked at him and pointed. "You've put these thoughts into my head, when I thought everything was good, that we were solid, and now I feel like I'm on the outside, crumbling because you have these other feelings. Feelings I'm afraid you're going to act on, and then what?"

"Sully, I love you. More than I even know how to describe," he told her. "These feelings I have, they're in addition to what I feel for you. I want you to share in this journey with me, to be there and learn as I go. This isn't something I want to exclude you from. But if I don't try to figure them out, I'm going to be sad. This thing keeping me alive yearns for those little girls, Reid. I don't know how to shut that off."

They sat there for a long time, saying nothing. Each wiping away at their own fallen tears. A ball rolled toward them, and Reid watched it while Grayson bent and picked it up. He handed it back to the little boy who'd come running after it, and he received a toothy thank-you. Grayson was kind, always had been. Part of this made sense, but she couldn't wrap her mind around it. Not without thinking she would lose in the end.

She finally broke the silence between them. "I need time."

"Away from me?" he said, his voice cracking.

Taking time away from him would be the smart thing. Reid shook her head. "No, not from you, but from whatever happened in Boston. I can't jump in with both feet, not yet, at least, and maybe never. I need you to respect my stance on this."

Grayson nodded.

Reid fiddled with the ring on her finger and contemplated whether it should come off or not. How would she get over this obstacle? She wasn't sure she could, and she definitely wasn't sure she could share Grayson with the children of his donor.

She had a lot of soul-searching to do, but so did Grayson.

Over the last fourteen days, coming to the park every day had become a habit. Now that the days were longer, she came after work and watched people interact with their children. She was sure they thought she was some type of stalker and not some woman who enjoyed the chaotic atmosphere. This was something she had to do alone. It gave her a reprieve from Grayson and the situation they were in.

She recalled the conversation about Boston, what Melanie had said, and Grayson. Reid had shut the door on bringing it up until she was ready. Every day and night, she worked scenarios through her mind, switching positions with Grayson, with her being the one with the new heart and experiencing these feelings. Each time, she came back to the same conclusion: she'd want the same thing as him.

Then why was it so hard to accept?

Reid knew why.

Because she was afraid.

Afraid of losing Grayson.

Herself.

What they had become.

What if his heart rejected her?

The thought crippled her. Worse now than before. She was scared she wouldn't fit in his life anymore, that there would be no space for her.

Was her fear irrational?

No. There wasn't anything stopping him from pushing her away again.

But would he?

No. Grayson loved her.

When dark clouds rolled overhead, everyone scrambled. Reid walked briskly to the apartment she shared with Grayson, knowing he'd be home. She'd barely made it up the stairs to the entrance of the complex before the sky opened, thunder cracked, and sheets of rain fell as if someone stood above her dumping water from a bucket.

Inside their apartment, Grayson stood at their sliding glass door, looking out, wearing nothing but her favorite pair of gray sweatpants. They had a view. It wasn't anything spectacular, but it was theirs, and they enjoyed it.

Reid set her bag down and slipped out of her shoes, padding over to him. She slipped her arms around his waist and pressed open-mouthed kisses to his back. Grayson shivered.

"I'm very happy you're not soaking wet," he said as he brought her hand to his lips. After he kissed it, he turned and pulled her into his arms. The scar down the center of his chest rested at eye level. The only time she purposely touched it was during their lovemaking; otherwise she steered clear because his nerve endings were tender and her touch caused an unwelcome sensation to spread.

"I made it inside in the nick of time, which is good because I don't have my umbrella, and I'd be sad if I ruined my shoes."

Grayson bent and kissed her. She opened to him and put her arms around his neck, holding him to her. She'd never tire of kissing him, or being with him, and hated that they had this dark cloud looming over them. Regardless, she couldn't help how she felt.

"How was the park?"

"Enlightening," she told him as she stepped back and looked at him. She shook her head and sighed. "You and gray sweatpants should be illegal. I guess it's a good thing you're inside and not out walking among the masses."

Grayson winked and adjusted himself, which she rolled her eyes at. Reid went and sat on the couch, patting the cushion next to her. He sat and pulled her legs over his.

"What's on your mind?"

"How'd you know something was on my mind?"

"I know you, Reid," he said as he pushed hair behind her ear. "I can almost see the wheels turning in your head. What's up? You can say whatever it is you need to say. I can take it."

She opened her mouth to speak, but he held his hand up. She cocked her eyebrow at him.

"I can take anything you have to say, unless you're telling me it's over—then I refuse to listen."

Reid batted his hand away. "It's not over, but I do have something to say," she told him. "I know it's been two weeks since I told you I needed some space away from the situation. Every day I've thought about us, the past year, the past month. How you've expressed your feelings on the matter, how I have. I can never tell you I know what you're going through or how you feel, because I don't."

"Knock on wood." Grayson leaned over as far as he could and rapped his knuckles on the side table.

"Right, but that doesn't mean I don't feel, or I'm not affected by all of this. It took me two weeks to figure out what it is I'm feeling. Needless to say, I'm ashamed and have honestly never felt this way before."

Reid adjusted herself so she could see Grayson better. "My hesitation in accepting that you want a relationship with the girls is fear. Fear you'll want to be with them and not me. That you'll push me away or keep things from me if I don't learn to love this side of you. Fear I won't fit in your life anymore," she said with a shuddering breath.

"You fit right here." He took her hand and placed it over his heart. "This beats for you," he told her. "And those girls, but not in a way you think. This thing keeping me alive beats for them because it's tied to their father. But you own it. They're not taking me away from you. As for Nadia, I'm not interested in her. Not even remotely. I can't imagine the pain I'd be in if I left you. I'm not sure the ticker would survive. You're the only one I think about being with, day and night. I love you, Reid. I plan to be your husband in less than a year. We're going to have babies and grow old together."

"I hate to break it to you, but I'm going to be twenty-nine forever."

Grayson laughed and kissed her. "I love you."

"I love you," she replied.

"Are we good?"

Without hesitation, she nodded. "We are, but I reserve the right to question everything."

"I wouldn't have it any other way."

After dinner, they lay on the couch together, with Grayson's long form positioned behind Reid. Some reality show was on, but she was focused on his fingers circling lazily on her hip, and slowly making their way under the waistband of her shorts. She yawned and snuggled closer to him, loving the way his body kept her warm.

"Do you want to go to bed?" His lips were near her ear when he asked.

"I do, but I'm not tired."

"Me neither." He rose and held his hand out for her, only to have his phone ring.

Reid saw Nadia's name before Grayson could pick his phone up. Not that he'd hide anything from her. He sat down on the couch. "Don't lose any of those not-tired thoughts," he told Reid and then put his arm around her, pulling her into his side.

"Hello?"

"Hi, Grayson." Lynnea's voice fluttered through the receiver.

"Hey, what's up?"

"Nuffin'," she said. "When do you come here?"

"I don't know. Why?"

"Can you take me to the father-daughter dance?"

Reid's heart sank. The romantic in her wanted him to go, while the logical part wanted Nadia to control what her daughter was up to.

"Where's your uncle Reuben, isn't he taking you?"

"Yes, but he's taking Gemma, and I will go wif you."

Reid saw Grayson's Adam's apple bob as he swallowed. He struggled to hold back emotions that didn't belong to him. It wasn't his heart making him feel this way; it was the donor's. Reid could see this.

"Where's your mom? Does she know you're calling me?"

"No," Lynnea said quietly. "I pressed your name."

"It's okay to call me, Lynnea. But you have to ask your mom first."

"Oh. Can you take me to school tomorrow?"

"I don't live there, sweetie. Remember, I live near your grandparents."

"Wif Weid?"

Reid covered her mouth when she heard Lynnea say her name.

"Yep, with Reid." Grayson reached for her hand. "Where's your mom?"

"Outside."

"Okay, let me talk to her."

The phone jostled and then went silent. "She hung up," Grayson said as he stared at the black screen. "Nadia mentioned she was a little troublemaker."

"Is Reuben not nice?"

Grayson shrugged. "He's fine. Young. Filling the parental role right now. He moved from Arlington to Boston to help Nadia. He's not the problem—Gemma is. The girls are very opposite and butt heads."

He stood and took Reid with him. "Where are we going?"

"Uh, to bed, because neither of us are tired." Grayson winked.

"Oh."

Instead of allowing her to walk, he picked her up. "When I tell you that you're the most important person in my life, I mean it. Am I upset by the call? Yes," he said as he carried her to the room. "Do I want to love on you right now? Also yes."

They fell onto the bed together. Reid scooted onto her side. "You're going to go there, aren't you?"

Grayson said nothing.

She ran her fingers through his hair. "I need you to do something."

"Anything."

"I want you to tell Nadia, and tell her the truth, Grayson. Either call her before you go or tell her when you're there. In private. Tell her what you think and how you came to this conclusion and what her girls already mean to you. As much as I love you, you're being incredibly selfish. They're grieving. Nadia lost her husband, and those little girls lost their father. I know you feel a connection, and Lynnea does as well. However, what if you just happened upon them at a time when they were susceptible, and looking for someone to cling to?"

Reid sat up and added, "Have you thought about what happens if you don't have Rafe's heart?"

To her surprise, Grayson nodded. "I think about it daily, but then I think about those girls and ... it's so hard to explain, Reid. Do you know how you felt when I had the heart attack, and you didn't know whether I was going to make it?"

She nodded.

"Take that feeling and magnify it. Before I met them, I dreamed of faceless beings and woke up crying, and I couldn't explain it. I knew something was wrong, but I didn't know what until I saw them. And then I realized there wasn't anything wrong, just missing this piece to make me whole."

"But not complete?"

Grayson ran his fingers down the side of her face. "You make me complete, Sully."

"I hate knowing there are secrets out there. She needs to know that you believe you have her husband's heart. Not telling her is deceiving her. It's deceiving the girls, and it's honestly setting them up for more heartbreak."

"I can give you every excuse possible, like it's too soon or it might be too much for Nadia to bear. Honestly, I think you're expecting me to say those things."

Reid nodded.

Grayson sighed. "I don't know if I'm ready to say those words to her, but I will."

"When?"

"After the dance," he said. "I don't want to ruin the night for them."

Reid lay back down next to him.

"What if she tells me I can't see the girls?" he asked quietly.

She turned and faced him, seeing the pain in his eyes. "Then you listen to what she tells you, and you respect her decision."

"That would break my heart," he told Reid.

"And you could break theirs."