Chapter 40

chapter forty

Quinn

Reading Gavin's text message hurts. So fucking bad.

When Grayson and I broke up, I was upset. Just having that text message from Gavin made my entire body ache. The thought of losing him entirely? That makes me physically sick. Part of me wanted to be there at the bus this morning to make him listen to me, to hear me tell him how much I care about him, but I wasn't.

I knew that showing up there wouldn't have done anything but cause a giant scene. I didn't want that for him, not after the complete shit show I've already put him through.

The most amazing guy I've ever met.

Sweet, kind, and so fucking smart.

I've already put him in too many situations where he wasn't acting like himself, and if I know him like I think I do, he's bottling up how he feels and is suffering alone.

The worst part? He must be doubting everything we've ever said to each other. I put that doubt there, the second I walked away from him for Grayson.

He's obviously upset with me, so messaging back after he asked me to think doesn't seem like the right thing to do. Getting his mind all muddled up before the game wasn't exactly ideal either.

What the fuck were you thinking, Quinn?

"Are you okay?" Ava asks, pulling into the driveway at my sister's house hours later. "You barely said one word the entire way."

"Yeah," I sigh. "Just wishing I could take back the last eight hours and start over."

She takes my hand and squeezes it, "It will all work out, babe. You thought you were doing the right thing at the time. Gavin will understand that eventually."

I shake my head, "He doesn't see it that way and I understand why. Looking back on everything, I see it. Every single thing my therapist would preach to me all summer, suddenly on that roof I saw it. So fucking clearly."

"Just give him some time, he'll come around."

I wipe tears as they begin to fall. "He told me if I still loved Grayson to go be with him."

Ava's brows knit, "Do you?"

"No! I don't love him anymore. I don't think I ever did."

"Because you love Gavin?" The corners of Ava's mouth tilt into a smile.

I shrug, "Everything feels different with Gavin. Grayson made me feel like I needed him, so it felt safe, but with Gavin, I feel peace."

"I can see that. Gavin is a special guy."

I know that.

"Gav makes me feel like I can be great on my own. He wants me to be great on my own, just as much as he wants us to be great together."

"Because he loves you, stupid." Ava laughs, "That boy would fight the world for you."

"I know and I gotta find a way to show him that I wanna give him the world."

We spend the day at the bridal shop trying on more dresses than I would like and Liv doesn't ask how I am but she's my sister so she can sense that something is off. Especially since I'm on crutches and have bags under my eyes.

"When we get back to the house, you are going to tell me what's going on." She quips, flinging a few dresses back at the sales associate. "And if I need to send Jake to the school, I will."

She glances down at my bandaged foot, and I sigh. "Okay, let's pick your dress. We can talk about me later."

She gives a curt nod, and continues putting on dress after dress until she finally lands on the perfect one. Her friends all dote on her and say how perfect she looks and how Jake won't be able to keep it in his pants. When they've all stopped talking, I speak. "You look like mom."

The simple phrase brings tears to her eyes, and she pulls me into a tight hug. "Thanks, Quinny."

I smile at her, and go back into the room to change out of my dress and into my clothes, and if it wasn't for Ava I'd be screwed. My foot really hurts.

"You need to go home and prop that thing up," Ava says. "It's really swollen."

I wince, "Yeah, it really hurts."

Ava leads me out of the dressing room and explains that I need to get home to Liv, who walks me out and helps me into the car, "I'll be home after while. You know where everything is if you need anything. Jake is at a poker night across town."

"Okay," I whisper. "We'll be fine. We're just gonna watch the game."

Liv's eyes darken, "The game, huh?"

"Yeah," I whisper. "I want to watch Gavin play."

"Is he the reason you are on crutches?" She asks, crossing her arms over her chest like a protective big sister.

"No," I defend. "Of course not."

"Grayson?" She pushes, wanting an explanation. "If he did something to you, you need to tell me."

"No," I sigh. "I did this to myself."

She shakes her head and grabs the door to close it, "Okay, well we're still gonna talk when I get home."

I nod in agreement and she shuts the door.

"You didn't tell her everything," Ava acknowledges as she speeds away from the bridal shop. "Grayson grabbed you last night, those stitches in your leg are because of him."

"The stitches are because some asshole didn't pick up his trash. I didn't lie."

She rolls her eyes, "He's a shitty person. Why can't you just admit that?"

I think about those words and wonder if they're true. Was Grayson Collins, the boy that I spent every waking moment with for two years, a shitty person? I try to rack my brain for the turning point. To see if I can remember exactly when our relationship changed. I want to see that clear moment and realize, okay, that's where we went wrong. It doesn't come and that makes me wonder if maybe it was never right. Which seemed unclear because of all the good memories I have with him before my mom died.

I missed that Grayson.

The one who would fight his dad to come see me after practice. The boy who would sneak out of class and send me a text to meet him at the vocational lockers for a quick make out session. All of those little things that disappeared when I became nothing more than a ball of weight around his neck.

As much as I hated it, I even missed our old friend group. Late nights when no one else was invited but our inner circle and lots of times ended with just Grayson, Raelynn and me.

Of course, Raelynn and I did things alone as best friends do, but we always liked having Grayson around. Now, looking back, it seems as though I was an extra piece of the puzzle that didn't quite fit.

So yeah, I feel a little guilty for missing him like that, but I don't know if he's a shitty person. Maybe he is if he really drugged Levi. I don't know, but right now, all I know for sure is he isn't the guy for me.