Chapter 38

chapter thirty-eight

Quinn

The look on Gavin's face makes my heart sink. I know he doesn't understand why I'm doing this, but I can't sit back and let something bad happen when I can stop it.

No matter what the circumstance is.

Yeah, Grayson pisses me off, but he's still someone I used to love. He was there for me when all the stuff went down with my mom. It didn't end well after that, but when I was at my lowest point, he was there. Sure, he knew the truth about what happened and lied to me for years, but that's something he has to live with. Whether I want it to or not, my mind flashes back to a time when everything between Grayson and I wasn't a total trainwreck.

"I can't believe you are going to the stadium," Ava says as I wait for Remi to pick me up outside. "Gavin's right, you know. He's only doing this to prove a point."

I shake my head, "Okay but what if he isn't?"

"It's not your problem!"

I turn around and see Gavin walking toward me with his keys in hand, he looks pissed. "Where are you going?"

"Home." He quips. "I'm not gonna sit back and watch you go to him. It's a fucking joke and you know it."

I can hear the hurt in his voice. He thinks I'm choosing Grayson over him, even though that's not what this is. That's what it feels like to him.

"It's not that I'm choosing him," I say, trying my best to chase him on the crutches. "Gavin, wait!"

He turns back toward me, "Just go, Quinn. It's hard enough watching you fall for this shit."

I watch as he walks away, and I feel pain. Worse than the pain I'm feeling in my ankle.

This really is a top ten worst day ever.

I feel tears burn my eyes as I watch his truck disappear. "I really thought he'd understand."

Ava crosses her arms, "Gavin is the best guy I know, but when it comes to protecting you… golden retriever boy is gone."

Remi pulls up against the curb, and Ava helps me in his car before sliding into the back seat. Not a single one of us says a word on the mile drive across campus to the stadium. There's a few cars parked outside, but the first one I notice is Grayson's.

When we get to the stadium it takes two guys to carry me to the top of the stairs where the press box sits. I stare at the wrought iron ladder bolted to the side, wondering how I'm going to get up there.

There are a few guys sitting in the stands near the press box but they all have somber looks on their faces, which worries me. I turn back to Remi, and whisper, "Call the cops. Just in case."

He nods in understanding and I put both of my hands on the ladder.

"Quinn, this is crazy. Your ankle has twelve stitches in it, there's no way you can make it up there." Ava whines. "He's hurt you enough."

Remington, being the mediator that he his, pulls Ava aside to talk to her. Knowing that if she causes a scene it might only make things imminently worse. For everyone here.

I place my good foot on the first step and use all of my upper body strength, which isn't much, to pull myself to the second bar without using my right foot. I repeat this until my head breaches the top of the building and I see Grayson, his feet dangling over the edge.

By now I've used up all my energy and I huff, "Can you help me?"

His head shoots over in my direction, and his eyes go wide. "Quinn," he acts surprised. "What are you?—"

"Save it," I spit. "Get over here and pull me up."

He stumbles getting up and I look behind him to the empty liquor bottle. "Nevermind," I say. "Sit the fuck down."

I take a couple more breaths, and I try again to pull myself up another bar, but my foot slips. I catch myself with my bad one and wince, it fucking hurts.

"Quinn!" Ava gasps from below me, and Remi moves to the base of the ladder in case I fall. Like he could catch me.

I make it to the top and crawl my way up and over the ledge now blowing out ragged breaths of relief. "Mother fucker."

"Quinn, I'm so sorry." Grayson slurs from across the roof, but I have no energy left to cross the distance between us. I'm not even sure I want to.

"I never meant to hurt you tonight, you have to believe that. Right?"

I don't immediately respond which causes him to become desperate, "Quinny, please tell me you don't think I would hurt you."

"I don't know. This isn't the Grayson I met when I was fourteen."

His eyes fill with tears, "I fucked up, Quinn. I know that. Looking back, I see everything differently. I never should've gotten close to Raelynn after what happened to your mom, and I did sleep with her. Once . Don't you think I would take that back if I could? I would, Quinn."

I know that what he's saying to me is the truth, that he's drank enough alcohol that there's no way he could lie to me right now, but still my guard is all the way up. Still, I want to move on from this. I want him to move on from this. Of course this hurts, but it doesn't hurt near as bad as watching Gavin walk away upset earlier.

"I forgive you," I say, wanting him to back away from the edge, but still meaning it nonetheless.

Maybe forgiving him would be the closure I needed.

He looks at me with hopeful eyes, "I love you."

"No," I exhale. "You don't. What happened between us wasn't love. It's not what love is. I know that now."

"Because of him?" he spits.

"No, because of me," I argue. "I was so afraid of losing you that I became addicted to you. I lost my mom and I was terrified of losing you too. No matter what kind of awful things you did, I saw past it because I was scared to death of being alone."

"You needed me," he says.

"No, see that's where it's fucked up, Grayson. I didn't need you the way you thought. I became closer to you after mom died because I was grieving. It was a lot of trauma and I was only sixteen. I didn't see it then but I see it now."

"What are you saying?"

I sigh, "I'm saying we were broken up, Gray. The night mom died we weren't even together. What I'm saying is it isn't love, it's a goddamn trauma bond."

He doesn't speak and I watch as tears fall from his eyes. I hate that he's upset but I can't allow him to keep doing this to me. It's gotta end somewhere.

"You gotta work on you, Grayson. I can't fix whatever it is that's broken inside you, no more than you could fix what was broken inside of me."

He takes the liquor bottle from behind him and chucks it to the ground, the sound of the shattering glass on the black top makes me jump.

"Please move away from the edge." I beg. "You're freaking everyone out."

He smiles sadistically, "I wasn't gonna jump, Quinny. I just knew you wouldn't let me. That's what I love the most about you. I know exactly what to expect."

The way he spits those words at me hurts. Gavin was right. This was nothing more than a way to fuck with me. His way to stick it to Gavin, and I fell right into his plan. He stands up and saunters over to the ladder and climbs down with one arm, slipping at the last bar and falling onto the aluminum bleachers.

I stare at the arm that's in a cast. This was revenge.

Luckily, I said everything I needed to say.

Fuck you, Grayson Collins.

I watch as some of the guys drive him away right before the police show up and Remi explains to them what happened. One of the officers helps me down the ladder, and when we get back to the dorm it's 5am.

The only person on my mind is Gavin. I grab my phone and type out a quick message.

I'm sorry. You were right.

I wait and wait but he doesn't respond, so I type another.

Please talk to me.

Still he doesn't respond and I cry myself to sleep.