Chapter Five

I have the feeling my life has gotten quite messy in the past two days. Things seem to be chaotic. First, my work issue, then I get way too drunk with the girls and because of that I get myself a Luc in my life and waking up today feeling like I should stay in bed the whole day. This never happens.

As I snooze my alarm for the second time, I stare at the ceiling and wish last night never happened and that Lexi and Naomi would be already up so we can do one of our emergency video calls. But when my alarm goes off once again, I decide I should do at least one thing that I still can control: run.

I've found running to be the best therapy for anxious days, which have been present more often than not in the past three years of my life. Today's no exception. It's 5:30 am when I'm in front of the building wearing running shoes, shorts, a cropped top and a ponytail warming up before I head toward the Thames.

I love it how quiet London is at this time of day, when the whole city is still getting ready to leave for work cramped in the tube, running around like lost ants and zigzagging like bees to make it on time for work. Since I only work in the office two days a week and the rest from home, I don't have to worry about being one of the ants or bees today. Instead, I enjoy the summer breeze by the Thames, here around Richmond, which is even more quiet than most other areas of the river.

The fresh breeze brings all sorts of smells, mainly morning coffee and freshly baked bread. And well, I refuse to complain about the bad smell that comes from the water once in a while, especially today that is sunny and such a beautiful early morning.

I've been focused on organising my thoughts while running for almost half an hour. I never wear earphones and listen to music when I'm running, I like to listen to the city noises or quietness, so I immediately hear when someone begins running alongside me and starts talking to me.

‘Thought it was you,' says Luc from beside me.

All my focus is gone and my stable pulse has now been compromised.

‘Oh, hi.'

I'm not sure if I should stop or keep going. But he keeps on running, so I just do too.

‘Do you run often?' he asks matter-of-factly.

‘Everyday. Well, apart from the days I have hangovers,' I say.

He lets out a smirk.

‘You?'

‘Same,' he looks at me and winks.

We run in silence for a few minutes. His pace is, of course, faster than mine, but he doesn't seem to mind slowing down a bit so my short legs can keep up with his long ones.

‘I wanted to apologise for the way I left … and well, for falling asleep at your house in the first place,' he says between his controlled breathing.

I smile to myself, then look at him and say, ‘Don't worry about it.'

We run together for more than half an hour, and on the way back we stop at Fresh Me Up after he confesses he enjoyed the smoothie from yesterday.

‘Two Sweet … what was it again?' he turns back to look at me, waiting for me to help him remember the right word.

‘Relief,' I say.

‘Relief,' he repeats to Andi, who chuckles after pushing his glasses up on his nose.

‘Sure thing,' says Andi looking between me and Luc, amused for some reason. Maybe he's wondering why for two consecutive days I'm here with a guy, the same one. I'm never here with a guy, let alone the same one twice.

Once we're out of the café, Luc turns his cap backwards, checks his watch and suddenly starts walking faster.

In the elevator we are on opposite sides, sipping our smoothies. The rational part of me honestly wishes we hadn't bumped into each other today. The irrational part of me is jumping with joy that this gorgeous man who slept beside me just a few hours ago is standing in front of me, sweaty from our run together. If we keep meeting like this for the next few days, I don't know how much willpower I'll have to ignore his existence until he leaves.

I watch him. The strong muscles above his knees, how his white shorts make his cock pop, the T-shirt stuck against the sweat of his abs, his hands holding his smoothie cup, and his eyebrows curved as he stares at me, also checking me out with no shame. For a moment it seems like we're both holding ourselves back with all our strength, fighting the urge to get our hands on the other. I feel sweat dripping from my neck down my back, drops wetting my skin as I try to recover power over my legs, which are now numb, not only from the run.

‘Headed to work?' I ask him, trying to break the silence and the magnetism between our eyes.

‘Yes. You?'

Our eyes are still locked.

‘Working from home today, but yes, I've got loads to catch up on. Yesterday wasn't my most productive day at work,' I say.

The lift reaches my floor and I'm glad. I don't think I can stand one more minute trapped with him and his good, sweaty smell and his looks without things getting physical.

‘See you around, Olivia,' he says, getting off the elevator with me.

‘See you,' I say, watching him take the stairs to his flat.

I close the door behind me and try to even my breathing again.

#

I cool off with a long shower, make myself breakfast, and while eating I enjoy Naomi and Lexi's company on a video call. They're both getting ready for work. Naomi works for a PR company not far from Secretive, while Lexi is a fashion photographer.

I met Lexi first. It was during my first year at London College of Fashion. I was working on a project that required some good professional photos of my designs. She was also on her first year and was happy to help me as long as she could use the photos for a project of her own as well. It was perfect. And we became so close we shared a flat near LCF. A couple of years later, Lexi met Naomi during one of her own projects and introduced me to her. Since then, the three of us have been friends.

‘Tell us everything,' says Lexi as she puts her makeup on. I know exactly where her phone is, propped up on her bathroom mirror's handle so we can still see her as she applies her mascara.

‘We had dinner, we talked … a lot, mostly me, and fell asleep on the balcony couch after having popcorn,' I say while I'm still chewing on the bread like it's no big deal. If I had spoken to them today early before my run, I'd have made a big deal of it, but right now, if I do that, things will only aggravate and turn into something that's not.

‘What? You didn't have sex?' Naomi asks as she sprays something on her hair.

I know, it's a surprise for me too. I don't remember the last time I had a guy over and didn't have sex with him.

‘It was a thank you dinner. No secondary intentions, I told you.'

It's true, I wasn't planning on having sex with him, even if he took the initiative. Ok, I might have thought about it more times than I should, but truly it wasn't the initial intention.

‘Course it was,' says Naomi.

‘When was the last time you slept with a guy and didn't have sex?' asks Lexi.

We all laugh in unison; they know me too well.

‘It was with Nate, last Christmas,' I laugh.

‘Shut up, he doesn't count,' says Naomi.

She's right, he's my brother.

‘Nothing happened, and to be honest nothing will,' I say it, already knowing there will be protests.

‘Why not? Has he left already?' asks Lexi, interested.

‘No. Though he will soon. It's just, you know, he's too much. I can't have casual sex with him. He's brought me flowers for Christ's sake,' I say.

‘He what?' Lexi stops mid-way from applying her red lipstick.

I ignore her question.

‘Here you go again with the "he's too much" thing, which only proves our theory of you ditching the good ones. Why do you sabotage yourself so much?' says Naomi.

‘Naomi, it's not self-sabotage, I just … I just know when I shouldn't get involved.'

Or better, I know when I'm in risk of getting hurt. Why give it a chance if I already know where this is going?

‘And how do you know that?' asks Lexi.

‘When the guy makes me feel out of control.'

‘Oh for fuck's sake, you can't control everything,' says Naomi.

‘How does he make you feel out of control by bringing you flowers?' asks Lexi.

‘It's not about the flowers. It's more than that. I don't know, Lexi. I can't explain it. I just … whatever. I don't want to talk about it.'

I start to think it was a bad idea to tell them everything that happened last night in detail.

‘Then why did you call?' asks Naomi, annoyed.

‘I don't know,' I'm asking myself the same question.

‘You like him,' says Lexi.

‘What do you mean by like him? Like I have actual feelings for him or like as if I'd like him to fuck me?' I ask.

‘When did you become such a heartless bitch?' says Lexi again.

Right now Naomi is just listening as she drinks a glass of orange juice and keeps rolling her eyes up at our conversation.

‘I'm not a heartless bitch. On the contrary, because I still need my heart I don't want to break it again.'

Silence. That was probably too deep, wasn't it?

‘You like him,' now it's Naomi's turn.

I roll my eyes and sigh.

‘If you didn't you wouldn't be making such a big deal about it,' says Lexi.

‘I don't. I'm not, you are making a big deal out of it. And it's not like that. I simply wanted to share the info with you,' I say, and I know I sound defensive by the way it all comes out.

‘Keep lying to yourself …' sings Lexi, she's even dancing to it.

‘1,2,3 … I'm out,' I say, ending the video chat session on my side, though I'm pretty sure Naomi and Lexi kept on talking without me.

#

I spend the rest of the day focused on work. I find the courage to look at the designs I made and begin to rethink them, one by one. I end up deciding to put them in a drawer and start from scratch. They are too good to be changed, I'd rather work on entirely different pieces. Caleb is going to have a heart attack when I tell him we'll start from zero. He'll recover, I'm sure. Though I'm not sure he has recovered from Monday's fiasco. The disappointment and desperation written all over his face when I silently tried to tell him to shut up and not continue the presentation was heart breaking. He's so hardworking. The only problem is he gets too attached to projects and ideas, which makes him suffer when he needs to let go.

I make some green tea, put some music on, open the big window, spread paper and pencils on the large table and begin sketching. Though many designers don't do paper sketches anymore, I can't stop doing them. It gives much more control than a computer program.

I decide to give Haley what she wants, even if it's for the last time. She wants boring? I'll give her boring, my best version of it. Worst thing is, she's going love it, and I won't be proud or happy with the final result. It drives me crazy.

I first started working for Secretive as an intern in the last year of my Fashion Contour course at LCF. I always had this crush on lingerie, it always made me feel good about myself. I began wearing them even before I had sex for the first time. To me, lingerie isn't only about sex, it's about feeling powerful and sexy. I pick my lingerie based on my mood or occasion. Some days I feel like wearing rose silk lingerie, other days I want the full black lacy embroidered set with suspenders and all their glory. What matters is, I'm never wearing plain and boring.

Sometimes, someone else gets to see me wearing them, but most of the time only my mirror does. I wear them anyways, for myself. The simple fact that I know how sexy they make me look is already enough for me.

I stop working at about 6:00 pm because I begin to feel hungry. I realise I skipped lunch. The whole day went by so fast I didn't even think of Luc, which is great. Every time my mind revisits our talk from last night and how cute he looked sleeping beside me, I shove it back in an imaginary box. It's the best thing I can do for myself.