Chapter Four

‘Popcorn?'

I have no idea where that came from, but it worked to break the moment.

‘Sure.'

Fuck. He needs to go.

I know when I shouldn't get involved. Luc makes me feel out of control, and I hate not being in control, especially over my emotions, and apparently my wobbly legs too.

As I prepare the popcorn, he steps onto the balcony. From the kitchen I have the perfect view to the living room and the balcony, where he's now quiet, leaning on the railing watching London's skyline just as the sun has sat. He looks tired. I join him as soon as the popcorn's ready.

My balcony is my favourite place in my flat in the summer months. I'm proud of how I decorated it. It's cosy and comfy and inviting. Big pillows, old wine racks and throw blankets make up the lounge seating area on one corner. Next to it there's a small table with the season's flowers and enough space for me to put glasses and the books I'm currently reading. Oversized plants and candle holders are on the floor in the opposite corner. Magical lights hang from the ceiling, and the view to London's skyline is my favourite part.

I turn on the little lights, as it's already dark outside. I offer him the bowl and he takes a handful of popcorn. We sit on the cosy couch, him on the corner, me right next to him, so that if he needs to get out I need to get out first. We prop our feet up on the balcony railing as we lay on our backs. Funny how it feels so comfortable and not one bit strange to do this with Luc, even though we just met.

The only thing between us is the popcorn bowl, sometimes not even that, as our hands lightly touch each other when we both reach for some more at the same time. We both lay there in silence—other than the cracking of popcorn in our mouths and the traffic below—looking up at the horizon that now has completely changed colour to black.

‘So how come you don't do boyfriends? Bad broken heart?' he asks turning his face sideways to look me in the eyes as he runs his fingers through his hair, messing it enough to make my jaw hang for a brief moment.

‘Yeah. I guess you can say that,' I say, hoping he won't press the subject.

‘Can I ask what happened?'

‘It's complicated.' I fidget with my fingers.

‘It always is,' he says and waits for my answer anyways.

The white around the blue of his eyes are turning into light pink. He looks really tired, and the way he's watching me is somehow calming and soothing. I guess I'm very tired too, still from last night.

‘It was a toxic and abusive relationship,' I say.

I can't even believe myself when I let out these words. Though I've always known it since I broke up with Josh, I never used these words loud and clear before, especially not with a stranger.

I turn my face to look at the dark sky and continue as he watches me attentively. My heart's pace has increased.

‘He was violent and possessive,' I say it thinking of the time Josh shoved me in his car and held my face with one of his big hands and squeezed my cheeks so hard the inside of my mouth began to bleed. Later on I discovered my labial frenulum was ripped, never to recover again. Not that it makes a big difference in my life, but it bothers me that it's a reminder of him. I hate it that he left his mark on my body.

‘I'm sorry to hear that,' Luc says.

I can see him watching me with his beautiful, tired eyes. He has now shifted to his side, and I notice his T-shirt has moved up slightly, enough to show the white waistband of his underwear.

‘It's ok. Eventually I managed to end it,' I say looking back at him. It wasn't that simple though. There was nothing simple about the way Josh and I ended things. This part I don't feel like sharing with him.

‘It must have been hard … to put an end to it.'

It's as though Luc can read in my eyes how hard it was. I sigh, slowly, trying to slow my heart rate. Thinking of Josh messes me up.

‘It was. It took me way too long to see that nothing about our relationship was normal, and that I deserved better.' My voice comes out soft and low, as if I'm saying it more to myself than to him.

Why I am saying all these things to him is beyond me. It's like he has the secret power to persuade people to tell him their deepest secrets. It's probably his deep soothing voice, or how relaxed he looks right now. Or maybe it has to do with the fact that he's not a part of my life. I don't know.

I don't think I've ever spoken about this with a guy. Until today, Naomi and Lexi are the few people who know what happened, and only after it was over. I never found the courage to tell them about what was going on in our relationship while it was happening. I was ashamed and afraid of what they were going to say. I wish I had told them sooner—I could have spared myself at least one more year of Josh in my life.

‘I'm sorry you had to go through that,' Luc says softly.

‘Thanks. It's been over for a while now. I'm a different person.'

There is a long moment of silence between us, and all the while our eyes are like magnets attracting each other. Our hands lying on each side of us, I shouldn't be surprised by how I wish they were touching. I bet his hands are warm right now, like they were when he was rubbing my back. I can almost feel his fingers threading through my hair, playfully. I begin imagining his heat enveloping me, his smell adhering to my clothes.

‘You know, not every guy is gonna hurt you like he did. And as you said, you're now a different person,' he says, filling in the silence and preventing my thoughts from going any further.

‘Sounds simple when you say it. But it's not. Not for me.'

‘Do you think you closed yourself to love?'

His question makes me think of the girls last night, and consequently of all the nice guys I turned down in these past three years. I made sure to only get involved with men who weren't expecting anything from me other than sex. Every time I felt like I was getting too attached, I moved on to the next. It has been easier and safer this way.

‘It's possible,' I confess, to my surprise even.

How did this conversation get so deep again?

‘I get it,' Luc says, and he means it. I can see it in his eyes as I look into them.

There's no popcorn left in the bowl, not even the kernels. We finished them too. It so happens that he also likes them.

I should stop looking at him, it doesn't feel healthy to stare at each other for so long without touching. This is the main reason I decide I don't want to see him again after tonight. I don't and I can't do this kind of deep staring—it makes me feel naked, an open intimate journal, limpid water, but mostly without control.

I look up at the sky again, but he keeps watching me. I hope he doesn't notice how my breathing has changed, how hot my skin feels.

‘How long are you staying in London?' I ask, just so I know for how long I'm going to have to avoid him.

‘Two weeks tops, maybe less,' he says taking a deep breath, as if this is something complicated for him. There, one even better reason to avoid him. He's leaving soon, and right now I'm pretending I don't feel the little weird pain in my heart.

‘Are you here because of work?'

‘Yes,' his voice is lower, almost a whisper.

I turn to face him again only to find his eyes closed. He fell asleep. It makes me smile. I take the chance to watch him, and I do it for a long time. I watch his chest rising up and down under his now wrinkled V-neck. I notice the dark stubbles along his jawline, the fine shape of his nose, his messy hair—now dry and softer—being lightly moved by the wind. Is it too creepy of me to take advantage of his vulnerability and check him out?

The hand over his chest moves rhythmically up and down with his breathing. The other's by his side, palm facing up, and I notice it's covered in calluses and fresh, reddened blisters. I realise I still don't know much about him, but right now I think it's better this way.

#

I wake up to the sound of a ringing phone that is not mine. My head's on someone's shoulder, someone's nose is breathing on the top of my head. The phone keeps ringing and I realise where I am and with whom.

Luc wakes up startled by the noise too. We break apart as fast as we manage. He gets his phone from his back pocket and as soon as he checks the caller his face full of worry.

‘Merde. I gotta go. It's 2:00 am,' he says, startled after ignoring the call.

I move out of the way so he can get up, he moves at the same time and somehow he's now hovering over me.

‘Sorry, sorry,' he says quickly and jumps over me and onto the floor.

I follow him to the front door still half sleeping, not really understanding what's happening and how we fell asleep and drifted until 2:00 am, how I ended up with my head on his shoulder, who was calling him and how we should say goodbye after all that.

‘Sorry and thank you,' he says smoothing up his hair, but it's still very much messy, and even sexier with his sleepy face.

God. Just go and never come back. I can't see you ever again.

‘It's ok, I …' before I say anything else he gives me a quick kiss on my cheek, turns around and takes the stairs, three steps at a time, back to his apartment above mine.