Chapter Twenty-Three

It's only after Luc pulls me into him and hugs me that I let my guard down, realisation of what just happened hitting hard. I let the tears stinging behind my eyes roll out. They come thick and fast, I can't control them or what I'm feeling. I sob onto his chest, shaking. He tightens his arms around me. In silence, he feels and watches me fall apart. I can't believe I'm having this breakdown now. My body is betraying me by letting my emotions show so easily when I fought so hard to keep them inside for the past years.

Luc holds me until I feel like letting go of him, which only happens several minutes later. His white T-shirt is wet, but he doesn't seem to care.

‘Can I get you anything?' he asks, his eyes searching for mine, but I'm feeling so ashamed of him seeing me this way I avoid his gaze.

He takes my chin and lifts it so I have no choice but to look at him. He wipes a tear from my cheek with his thumb and pulls me back onto his chest again, ‘Come here.'

I'm pretty sure he can feel my heart hammering inside of me.

Once the wave of emotions that took over me eases down, he lets go of me and hands me a tissue, then pours a glass of water for me. I must look like a mess, but right now I don't care anymore. I realise, finally, that I'm just glad Josh isn't here anymore, and that Luc is.

With his ass pressed against the kitchen island and arms crossed over his chest, he watches me as I blow my nose, then take a sip of water. His expression's still of worry, forehead creased, his shoulders tense.

‘Congratulations on your win,' I manage to say, my nose and eyes swollen from the unexpected crying. I must look like a mess, as I always do when I cry.

He looks at me surprised, his face now softening.

‘Oh Olivia. Of all the things you could say,' he half-smiles. ‘Thanks,' he says as if it weren't that big of a deal, even though now I know how big of a deal it is.

‘I watched it,' I say after taking a sip of the water once again. My hands finally stopped shaking, but there is still the electrifying current running through my veins.

‘You did?'

‘I did. All of it.'

‘Did you understand anything?' he smiles shyly. How I missed his smile. It brings some normality back after the intense moment I just had with Josh.

‘Only that you beat him after four hours and twenty-two minutes,' I say.

Luc laughs and stares down at me, amused, probably because despite the fact that I have no idea how a tennis match is played, I'm perfectly capable of memorising how long his lasted.

‘I might have also learned a thing or two about what a serve is. And surely by now I know what deuce and advantage are,' I say, half crying, half smiling, my nose still full.

He reaches for my hand, pulling me and placing me between his legs. We can't keep our eyes apart and I'm finding it hard not to kiss him right now. But then I remember the reasons why I shouldn't. He and I can only end in heartbreak, and it's most probably going to be mine first.

‘You should be celebrating with your family, I don't want to keep you,' I say, pretending I'm not enjoying the fact that he's here standing in front of me after winning a Wimbledon's semi-final. Pretending I'm a cold-hearted woman, just because I still haven't fully forgiven him for omitting that he happens to be the current number two tennis player in the world.

He smiles and exhales sharply.

‘I don't want your family to resent me without even knowing me,' I say.

‘They'd never resent you,' he slides his hand through my hair, so that his fingers are touching the nape of my neck and his thumb's stroking my cheek.

‘Maurice already does,' I say.

‘That's not true. Maurice is just a coach who wants his player to focus on winning the most important tennis championship in the world.'

‘When you put it like that, I feel like I'm the villain of your story,' I tease, but it has some truth to it. That's what he meant when he said I made him lose focus.

‘Never,' he says, pulling me closer to him and into a gentle hug. My ear is against his strong beating heart, his hands tight around me. It feels good, safe and just what I need right now. His nose is on the crown of my head, breathing in my hair. For a moment I even forget why I'm so mad at him.

After enjoying a long moment of silence, he takes my face in his hand, lifting my chin so my eyes are fully connected to his and says, ‘I'm sorry. I really am.'

He could be saying this because he's sorry for what just happened, but as I stare into his eyes, taking him in, reading him, breathing him, I know the reason he's saying it's because of his betrayal.

‘I know you are. It's just, I need to think, right now it's all too much,' I say.

‘I know,' he says, and touches his lips to my forehead. ‘I'm not used to getting involved with women who don't know who I am. I enjoyed being myself with you. I was selfish and unfair to you, and for that I will always ask for your forgiveness. But …' He doesn't finish his sentence, because another storm seems to have invaded my home, Naomi and Lexi are breathless and desperate walking through the front door that was still open. I'm surprised Mrs. Thompson doesn't follow after them. I'm pretty sure she isn't enjoying all the commotion.

‘Oh. Is that why you needed help?' says Naomi, panting.

Luc and I immediately break apart, more me than him. He stays where he is and I go hug the girls.

‘Josh was here.' As I say it, it all comes back to me, the realisation, the fear, the tears.

‘You're ok now,' says Lexi in our triple hug.

‘How did that happen?' asks Naomi, shaking her head in disbelief.

‘He saw the news, he must have found out where I'm living somehow. Maybe following me from work, I don't know. You know how he is,' I say, fully aware that Luc is listening just behind me.

‘But how did he get in?' asks Lexi innocently.

‘You know, it's not hard to get in the building, just wait for someone to open the front door,' I say.

‘Shit,' says Naomi. She lifts her gaze to find Luc and I feel my face flushing.

‘Hi, I'm Luc,' he says with a shy smile on his face, hands in his pockets. Now watching him from where I am he looks so tired.

‘Oh we know who you are,' says Lexi with a big smile on her face. She has always been easily charmed, it'd be alarming if she wasn't charmed by Luc.

He walks towards us and greets the girls with a kiss on their cheeks. My heart beats faster seeing them all together in one room. I honestly didn't think this would ever happen.

‘I guess I should let you girls talk,' he says looking at me. ‘Now I believe you're in good hands,' he says to me.

I walk him to the door, and it's awkward, because I know the girls are watching us.

‘Celebrate tonight, you deserve it,' I say.

‘That's ok. I need to focus on Sunday, get some rest,' he says, running his fingers through his ever so perfect hair.

‘Thank you,' I say.

‘For what?'

‘For being here when I needed you.'

He pulls me into his arms again. My face presses against his chest and I can't help but breathe him in.

‘I hope to see you tomorrow,' he says close to my ear.

I don't say anything, I pull away from him and say good night. Then I close the door behind me and find the girls frozen, staring at me.

‘What?' I say.

‘I know you don't wanna hear this right now, and it probably doesn't go well with the fact that your stalker ex was just here, but … you are one lucky bitch,' says Naomi.

#

I tell the girls how it happened, what Josh said, how he came to be in the same room as Luc, and how Luc protected me, intimidating my crazy ex. They listen attentively. We're lying on the couch on the balcony, drinking frozen Margaritas because Lexi insisted on making them for us. It's not only her favourite drink, it's her specialty. I'm in such a state that I accept any kind of alcohol, even very sweet strawberry frozen margaritas with extra shots of tequila. With today's heat, it certainly helps cool things down.

When I'm done talking, they look at each other, speaking their own language.

‘Can I ask you something?' says Lexi first.

I roll my eyes, ‘Go ahead.'

‘What's the worst that can happen if you give him a chance?' asks Lexi with puppy eyes.

I sigh.

‘So much can happen.' I feel lightheaded from the alcohol. Margaritas are dangerous when they're this sweet.

‘I think the worst has already happened. Josh,' says Naomi.

I process what she has just said, because in a way it's true. I've been hiding from Josh for the past three years, even though he should be the one hiding. I let him haunt me and become my nightmare. I felt like watching my back all the time, I keep having nightmares where I'm still with him, trapped and unable to tell anyone about it.

‘Yeah, Naomi's right,' says Lexi.

‘What if he comes back? Should I move again? Should I restart my life one more time?'

‘Honey, I think it's time for you stop hiding,' says Naomi.

‘How? I don't think he's given up yet. I can't believe he came over here and told me he missed me. How sick is that? I should have pressed charges when I had the chance.'

‘There's no point in thinking about the should-haves, honey. If he comes back, you kick him out, you call the police, you scream, you do whatever it takes to keep him away, but that's if he comes back. What else can he do? You're a strong woman, you're not innocent or unaware like you were back then,' says Naomi.

‘Live your life, that's what we've been trying to tell you for a long time,' says Lexi.

Their words keep playing in my mind. I get the feeling I'll need to organise all these thoughts at some point. I say nothing for a while, I only sip my margarita. They are silent too, respecting my silence.

‘Now, will you give him a chance or not?' asks Lexi again after a long while, really not giving up on getting her answer.

‘We don't even live in the same country, I don't even know what kind of chance we both have,' I take a big, long sip of my margarita. I should stop drinking about now.

‘So that's it? You're not even going to try?' says Naomi.

‘It's not like that,' I say defensively.

‘Yes, Livvy, it is like that. We're kind of tired of seeing you sabotaging yourself, making excuses to pass on opportunities to be happy,' says Naomi.

‘First, I'm not unhappy. Second, this is not sabotaging myself, this is protecting myself from what I know has a minimal chance of working and maximum chance of breaking me,' I say.

‘You know, it takes two to make a relationship work. It depends on both of you,' says Lexi.

‘Sure, that's why I cannot give myself fully to someone I don't know will give their all too.'

‘Then you're going to have to trust him. You'll never know if you don't try,' says Naomi, and I know she's got a point. The thing is, I don't know how and if I can trust a man again. Besides, me and Luc haven't started on the right foot when it comes to honesty.

‘You guys, you're talking like he has asked me to be his girlfriend, which is not the case.'

‘Yeah, but what if you don't even give him a chance to ask?' says Lexi.

I exhale sharply, emptying my lungs. I wish I could pause this all for a while until I wrap my head around it. There's just so much going on, I don't even know which problem I should solve first. My nightmares, my reality or my dreams.

‘Look, until we talked to the media advisor, I hadn't thought about us beyond Monday. I knew from the start it wouldn't go beyond that.'

‘But now you are,' says Lexi.

‘I am what?'

‘Thinking about it.'

‘It's complicated, Lexi.'

‘I know it is. But he might be just what you need.'

I laugh, because I can't believe she's saying this. She knows me better than I know myself.

‘Look, from how I see it, it's up to you. Whether you need time or not to figure out where being with him will take you, it's up to you,' says Naomi.

‘And we're just questioning and saying all this to you because we want you to be happy and have a life beyond work and one-night stands.'

I give her a stern look, because when she says it aloud it kind of sounds bad.

‘I know.' I give in, because she's right anyways.

I lay on Naomi's lap, she plays with my hair. It feels so reassuring, it feels like my comfort zone.

‘Can you imagine yourself dating the number two tennis player in the world?' says Lexi all excited, tickling my belly. I curve my body in reflex and swat her hand away as I laugh. What a crazy day filled with mixed feelings and confusion.

‘He's probably number one now,' I say.

‘Ohhh, she's keeping track,' teases Lexi as Naomi smirks while still playing with my hair.

I'm glad when the topic moves on from Josh and Luc to their lives, it helps me take my mind off my own. I have the impression I've neglected them these past days. I've always been the one to listen more than talk, because for the past years I had nothing more interesting than work and an occasional flirt to talk about.

‘So, does that mean you're in a relationship?' I ask Naomi after she told me Lewis asked her if they could be exclusive. My eyes widen in excitement as I wait for her response.

‘Yes!' she says, so excited I can almost see tears in her eyes.

‘Oh my God, why didn't you tell me before?' I sit up again and hug her tight.

‘It just happened, last night. I wanted to tell you in person,' she says.

‘I'm so happy for you, honey. Wow, this is huge,' I say.

If there's someone I know who deserves a good guy who takes her seriously, it's Naomi. We've known each other for over five years, but the only guy to get as close was Ryan, and well, it didn't last longer than three months. It took her way longer than that to get over him.

‘I talked to Tommy,' says Lexi.

‘And?' I ask.

‘He didn't say anything, he just listened. When I asked him why he wouldn't, you know, initiate things in the bedroom, he still didn't answer,' she says.

‘He said nothing? Nothing at all?' says Naomi.

‘He just said he's sorry and that I caught him by surprise and now he needs to think about it. I mean, what is there to think about?'

I look at Naomi and I know she's probably thinking the same as I am. Our high school sweetheart friends are going through a crisis, and it's strange, because they are this kind of couple that belong together and you can never imagine them apart.

‘Well, I like Tommy, but I like you best so I think you should get a vibrator,' I say and we all burst out laughing. I'm glad I thought of saying something silly to wipe the sadness from Lexi's face.

Despite all the craziness in my life, there's nothing that makes me happier than seeing people I love happy. Even if I need to get them a vibrator myself.

We put on our playlist in the surround system and upgrade to sipping from the tequila bottle. We eat popcorn and order pizza. We strip off our clothes and try on lingerie, and we dance, and we sing to The Chainsmokers and Coldplay's Something just like this in our underwear in the kitchen, then in my room in front of the mirrored closet pretending we have microphones in our hands, then jumping on the bed almost falling off, bumping into each other. If we're going crazy, we do it properly. I feel like I'm on a high.

This is nice.

Sometimes it's good to forget that we need to be strong all the freaking time, once in a while taking a break from being an adult helps to keep you sane.

After the dancing fit, we lay on my bed and stare at the ceiling. I'm so drunk I see stars spinning.

‘I can't believe you coldly changed into your most sexy lingerie in front of Lucas Lamaire, making him watch,' says Lexi sounding just as drunk as myself.

We all laugh hard until our bellies hurt and tears roll down our faces.

‘You're such a little devil. Poor guy,' says Naomi.

‘I was mad, so freaking mad. I'd have used any power I had to make him suffer,' I say, vengeful.

‘Did he get hard?'

‘God, Naomi. I don't think so, he left so …' I say, remembering the face he made when he turned to leave. It still makes my heart ache a little.

‘So …?' says Lexi.

‘Hurt,' I say, finally finding the word.

‘I zhink he's crayz 'bout you,' mumbles Lexi.

‘From the things you told us and seeing the way he looked at you tonight when we arrived, he really is,' says Naomi, shooting her dark green eyes at me like a laser.

I shake my head.

‘What have you done to him?' asks Lexi.

‘The question is, what has he done to me?' I say, covering my eyes with my forearm.

‘Will you go to the match?' asks Lexi.

‘What? Are you crazy?' I say sitting up.

‘Sorry, it was just a question! Please don't hurt me,' says Lexi, defensive but holding in a laugh. This makes me laugh.

I lay back on the bed again and we stay silent for a while.

‘Are you saying goodbye before he leaves?' asks Naomi.

I let her question hang in the air. There's also that. Sometimes I forget he's leaving. The alcohol has slowed my brain down, and I'm glad for it, because the past three days I felt like it was crashing with so many thoughts. I have to make a life changing decision about work by Monday, then there's the truth Luc failed to tell me, my face and private life all over the news, and Luc's media advisor, and my encounter with Josh, and … Luc leaving. Luc's leaving.

How much can someone change you and mess up your life in a matter of two weeks?