Chapter Fifteen

We wake up to the sound of our alarms. It seems as though my routine isn't as messed up as I thought it was. At least I can't blame him for making me sleep longer, considering we have a similar wake up routine.

‘Up for a run?' he asks, his sleepy face is something I could see every day and never tire of. The messier his hair, the better.

‘Catch me if you can,' I say, daring him because I know he still needs to go to his place and get ready.

‘Deal!'

He takes the dare seriously and gets up as fast as he can and searches for his clothes. Meanwhile, I'm already brushing my teeth and watching him from the bathroom mirror, laughing at him. His T-shirt is missing. From where I'm standing I see it under the bed, but I don't say anything. I just bought myself at least five minutes.

Eventually he gives up and leaves. Not before planting a kiss on my cheek. The way he looks right now makes me rethink this dare, wanting to make him stay a little longer. And it almost makes me feel bad that he's going to lose the dare because of me.

I'm already finishing stretching by the time he arrives downstairs. He's wearing his black cap, strands of his hair are escaping on the sides, I can still spot lines on his sleepy face. I can't stop thinking about last night. I've never felt this way before. Just thinking about it makes my chest warm up and my stomach flutter.

‘I win,' I say, teasing him.

‘What do you want as your prize?'

He's stretching, pressing his hands against the wall and extending each of his lower legs.

‘Surprise me.'

He likes my answer, I can tell by his amused grin.

We run for an hour and a half. I almost forget the amount of work I have waiting for me at home. It was just too entertaining to watch him strip off his sweaty T-shirt and run alongside me with his bare chest, his muscles flexing each time he moved his hands back and forth. Lines of sweat run down along his skin, disappearing into the fabric of his shorts. I think now I know what he means by losing focus. He's doing the same to me, not only while running. He's making me do things I never do, and consider doing things I never did before. I wonder what the girls would say if they knew I've been this involved with him. I bet they'd tease me, and they'd make me tell every detail of what I've been doing to him and him to me. But I brush the thought away, because I'm not ready to share Luc with anyone.

We stop for our smoothies on the way back. Andi's in. He glances at me with a smirk on his face, which makes me blush. Right now, he knows more about me and Luc than my own friends. I kind of feel bad about it, maybe I should call today and tell them everything. Or maybe not, where would I start? Besides, I like how Luc and I aren't under pressure to define what's happening between us.

‘Just so you know, this is not your prize,' says Luc after paying for my smoothie and handing it to me.

‘I didn't think so,' I say, teasing.

On the way back home, though distracted, I feel kind of uneasy. Something like what I felt yesterday on the way to work, the feeling of being watched. Then it hits me. Hard. Like when you are walking into a glass door and don't see it, crashing against it, startling you in an extremely unexpected way. Josh. How could I ever forget? I guess that day was so intense, I forgot about how it started. My brain had found a way to keep it hidden as deep as it could, just so I don't have to live with it.

Now, it all comes back to me. Three years later, I feel it all over again, stronger than the nightmares I have at night. Right here as I'm crossing the street with Luc, I feel like I'm being dragged back to that day. I wonder if those memories will ever stop haunting me.

It had been three weeks after I'd left Josh and told my friends about what kind of relationship we had. All this time, he kept calling and texting me, and even trying his usual shit—sending me flowers and gift cards and notes with promises he would never keep. I didn't answer or reply to any of it, partly because I didn't want to, but mostly because Naomi and Lexi didn't let me. It felt as though I was an addict and they were trying to help me get clean. The drug was Josh. I knew he was bad for me, but still I kept him in my life. I didn't know how to get rid of him, it'd gotten this far. I was in the stage of possible relapse, which I could never do alone. I'll be forever indebted to the girls.

Of course he tried reaching out to them too. My silence, I knew, was driving him crazy. Unlike all the other times, I ignored him and everything related to him during those three weeks.

He also attempted contacting me on social media, but I tried to be as far from social networks as possible, because of him and especially because I didn't feel like checking other's people lives when mine was hell. It got to the point that Josh even called Mum and Nate, making them worry and call me back sick with worry as if I had disappeared. I hadn't told them about the kind of relationship we had. I had decided they didn't have to know about it. It was already over anyways. It wouldn't have made any difference. It was all in the past, I thought. Besides, I didn't know how to start a conversation like that. They would question me and I wasn't ready to talk about it with them. I even avoided seeing them at all costs because of the bruises Josh left me with in our last encounter.

What had happened so far with Josh was already enough to leave scars for the rest of my life, but on that Monday morning everything changed. Everything escalated from very bad to extremely awful. It was a Monday just like yesterday. I got out of the tube and felt like someone was watching me. When I was in front of Secretive, Josh was at the front door, waiting for me.

I pretended to not see him. I went for the door handle to open it as fast as I could, as if I was running for my life.

I was. Oh, I was.

The next thing he did was something he always did, something that always worked pretty well on me.

‘Love bug, please. Listen to me. I just want to talk.'

How dare he call me that.

I ignored him. I tried again pushing the door open. He didn't let me. I looked around and considered running away.

‘You can't leave me. Let's just talk about it. Please.'

He held my arm. I started shaking, because I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what to say. I was already in a fragile state, it was too early in the detox phase to find yourself having to be strong enough to ignore your addiction.

‘I swear I'll kill myself, Livvy. You're everything to me.'

When I think about his words now it makes me so sick I want to throw up. But back then, I really believed he was capable of doing it.

‘Leave me alone, Josh. I need to get to work,' I said, unable to look him in the eye.

He tightened his grip around my arm.

‘Give me five minutes. My car is right here. Just listen to me and I'll let you go.'

I'll let you go. I wanted to hear those words so badly, I allowed myself to believe them.

How could I think that listening to him was ever going to be a good decision? I did, always. I gave him the chance to say what he needed to, even though deep inside I knew there was nothing else left to say. But I thought this would be my chance for closure. I was wrong. What happened afterwards changed everything.

‘Olivia?'

Only one person calls me by my name and makes me feel this good about it. Luc.

‘Are you okay?' he stares at me, worry all over his face. ‘You look scared. What happened?'

‘I …' I trail off. He takes the smoothie from me and holds my hand. He presses his thumb into the middle of my palm, and begins rubbing soothing circles. The touch makes me come back to the present, it grounds me.

‘I just wanna go home,' I say.

#

I don't need to ask Luc to accompany me to me front door and wait for me to get into my flat. He goes in with me and pours me water. He watches me, patiently and understandably. He doesn't demand any explanation nor ask me any questions. He's worried, but he gives me space to breathe. I don't think I'd handle this as well as he does. I'm not as calm and patient as he is.

‘Thank you,' I say. My voice comes out shakily and frail.

He stays with me until I assure him I'm fine. He holds me tight and his embrace tells me he's there for me, that I can count on him, no matter the circumstances.

After I take a good long shower filled with heavy memories I wish were erased, I come back to the kitchen and there are eggs and bread and orange juice on the kitchen island.

‘EAT ME!' says the post it attached to the plate. I feel much better already. I even force myself to eat, and realise I actually needed it. It gives me the energy I need for the rest of the day.

I bury myself deep into work. In the afternoon, Luc texts me for the first time since we exchanged phone numbers. He's asking how I'm doing, and I catch myself smiling at the name he chose for himself on my contact list.

Today at 3:44 pm

Immune to tickles: I'm glad you're better. I was worried about you.

Me: Thank you for being patient with me, and thank you for breakfast. It was the best I've had in weeks.

Immune to tickles: where have you been eating your breakfast?

Me: laughing-with-tears emoji.

Immune to tickles: I'll knock at yours later.

Me: Sounds like a plan.

Immune to tickles: emoji surrounded by tiny hearts.

Me: little monkey with hands on its eyes.

Luc's profile photo is him with his boyish grin, tanned skin, white cap backwards and white Nike T-shirt in a sunny place. The sight of it is so amusing I let out a snort. I find myself craving to see him again, and anticipation taking over me.

#

Instead of letting the heavy feeling of today's early morning haunt me for the rest of the day, I cheer myself up. I put on some music, sing and dance while I cook dinner. This might slightly have something to do with knowing that Luc might knock at the door any minute now.

I'm in the mood for some comfy food, so I bake meatballs in homemade tomato sauce, Grana Padano cheese and spaghetti. I'm pretty sure he will like it too, considering pasta is his favourite food.

But this time, he doesn't knock. My phone rings and I see the picture he chose for his contact information, a selfie of him here last night, with my favourite grin on his face. My insides light up with warmth. I answer it and I'm pretty sure he can tell I'm smiling when I do.

‘Hey,' I say.

‘You should check your front door,' he says.

Curious, I immediately stop what I'm doing and go to the door. When I open it, Luc's there.

‘Hi,' he says, still with his phone pressed on his ear and the most mischievous smile on his face.

‘Hi,' I say, also still with my phone in my ear.

We both put our phones away and he sweeps me up from the floor and carries me around the house, crashing his mouth against mine as if he hasn't seen me in ages. I'm starting to get used to the way he enters my flat.

‘Hmm, what's that smell?' he speaks hovering over my mouth.

‘Dinner,' I smile innocently, happy to have him here with me now.

‘Can you hit pause? I wanna do something to you first,' he says.

‘Hmm, I like that idea.'

He begins kissing my collarbone, the softness and warmth of his mouth makes me suck in air.

‘The dish is in the oven. We have twenty minutes until it's ready,' I say, my mouth dry.

‘That's plenty of time,' he whispers against my skin.

Oh God.

He places me on the edge of the kitchen island and for a very brief moment I wonder what he's planning on doing to me that will last twenty minutes. As soon as he steps between my legs, I know what his intentions are. They're as crazy and naughty as I feel right now. And they might involve the rock-hard erection I'm staring at.

‘How are you feeling now?' he asks.

‘Right now? Like you,' I say, darting my gaze at the bulge on his jeans.

He lets out an erotic groan, there's so much lust in it.

‘I've missed you today,' he says, his intense gaze holding mine.

Shit. When did we go from see you around to I've missed you today? I guess today. Between leaving breakfast on the kitchen island for me in the morning and now.

I can see the waistband of his Calvin Klein boxer briefs peeking out of his black skinny jeans. His length is begging to be freed from both. I don't waste another second, both because I want to make the most of the nineteen minutes we now have, and because I'm avoiding saying I missed you too to him.

He steps out of his jeans and boxer briefs. Then he pulls my shorts down. I like how Luc never pulls my panties down straight away, he always enjoys taking a peek at them first. This time is no different.

His hands are holding me in place, on each side of my waist, while mine have found his hot erection. My touch induces lustful sounds from deep inside him. I stroke his throbbing shaft a few times. I shiver when I see the way he's watching my hand working around him, blue flames in his eyes. He presses his mouth to mine, sucking the air out of me, making me groan wildly. The kiss burns me from inside out, enticing me to bite and suck on his soft lips. I barely recognise the sounds I'm making. I guess once he leaves and we go our separate ways, my mind will enjoy revisiting all these intimate moments we've been having the past few days. I push these thoughts away because I still get to enjoy him now, and possibly for a few more days.

I have no idea how long we still have before the oven beeps. I have completely lost track of time. I don't care.

He's playing with his swollen cock in my entrance, my panties pushed to the side giving free passage to his length. Once he feels how wet I am, he rolls his eyes up to the back of his head and lets out a soft and slow moan, the sound vibrates through me and makes me ache for him. Then he fills me, slow and firm. He watches me as I welcome him inside of me, gasping and sinking my fingers through his ever-so-soft hair. Then Luc pushes my top up and my bra strategically a bit lower so that he can suck on my nipples.

Ok, I definitely don't need more than a few seconds like this.

He knows it, because he keeps gliding slowly and firmly inside of me, while sucking my nipples, one after the other. I come with my mouth and nose buried in his hair, muffling the sounds I make when I feel the tiny explosions of pleasure throughout my body. Intoxicated by his permanent smell of sex, I grab his hair tighter and pull him even closer to me. I clench around him, taking him with me, making him tremble and fill me with his release.

‘I like you, Olivia. I like you a lot,' he says in my ear. His voice is as vulnerable as his body right now. My heart hammers against my chest echoing through my ears. It riots trying to make sense of what Luc just said.

Did he just say what I heard? I'm trying to wrap my mind around it, but it doesn't feel real. Actually, I'm not sure I want it to be real or just something I imagined. Either way, it doesn't change how I feel right now: freaking afraid of ruining everything, especially my heart.

We stare into each other's eyes for way too long, and I'm glad when the oven beeps.