Chapter 4

Chapter 4

It was likely not the best first impression that Philip could have given, but at least it was over and done with.

She stared at him for a moment, and he wondered if she could see him. The thought of it paralyzed him, for if there was one thing worse than being followed by someone you did not know, it was most certainly being followed by a stranger as hideous as he thought she’d see him as.

“Is there any particular reason why you are following me?” She asked after a while. “I thought you were otherwise occupied today.”

“I am—I should have been, I mean.”

“I see…”

Philip did not know what to say; he knew it had not been right to follow her around without her knowledge, but he had to know whether or not she was all that her father had claimed her to be. To her credit, she truly was; she was respectful to his servants, as well as his mother.

She carried herself with a certain grace, which was strange at first because what Philip had noticed, after he allowed himself to look at her face for a little longer than he should have, he noticed how ill-fitting her gown was.

It was not a polite thing to say about a lady, but it was true. It was as though it was not made for her, which was quite absurd given her status, but then he remembered that her family’s finances were not as they should have been, and it became a lot clearer to him what was truly happening.

Lady Elizabeth’s gown fit her much more nicely, and Philip could only think that it meant all funds for gowns went to her instead. He admired that about Lady Jacqueline, for it was uncommon for a lady to be content without beautiful dresses to attract a husband.

Even so, he had been so sure that she would have been given something special to wear when meeting the man who could possibly become her husband.

“Your Grace?”

“Yes?”

“I asked you why you were following me.”

“Yes—my apologies. You see, I was only out walking myself, and then when I heard someone nearby, I felt the need to see who it was. As it turns out, it was the very same young lady I had invited to stay with me for a while, and so I…”

“Felt compelled to watch me for a while?”

“Would it be awful if that were the case?”

“It would certainly be quite bizarre, yes, but I cannot say I’d loathe it too terribly.”

She was somehow prettier than she had been when they first met, more mature, and he liked that a great deal. She was also smiling at him, a surprise given the circumstances, and she curtsied politely, which he requited with a bow.

“It is rather unexpected circumstances,” she said gently. “But it is a pleasure to meet you all the same.”

“The pleasure is all mine,” he replied, maintaining the distance between them. “I thank you for accepting the invitation.”

“I thank you for extending it. We typically do not receive such things.”

“That astounds me, truly. Two beautiful young ladies and yet the gentlemen do not quarrel over who can court the pair of you. It hardly makes any sense at all.”

“You and I both know the reason for it, I believe, Your Grace.”

So she was aware of her father’s finances, at least.

“Regardless,” he said quickly. “It is my hope that the two of us can come to know each other well, and enjoy one another’s company.”

She seemed startled by that, and he wasn’t sure precisely why that was. It was possible that she was flustered by his words, but it was not as though he had said something completely out of order, only that he hoped they would come to like one another.

Perhaps, he considered, that was why she seemed uncomfortable. It would have been no surprise to him that her father was forcing her hand, and if that were the case then the arrangement would be thrown out in an instant. He could not do something like that to her, he would not do it.

Then again, given that he had kept his distance from her, it was not as though he could clearly see her face. That had been the point, after all; he could not let her get too close to him for fear of her seeing him. Given that he could not use her expression as a guide, he simply had to accept that something felt wrong, and he didn’t like it. He had wanted her to enjoy her time there, and yet…

“Is the room to your liking?” He asked.

“It certainly is,” she nodded. “Your mother told me that you chose it especially for me.”

“I did. We are in the midst of changing a few things, and so we decided to split the three finished rooms between the three of you. I could not resist, however, giving you my personal favorite.”

“That is most kind of you. There is no need to do so much for me, though, I assure you.”

“Whyever not? You are my guest, after all, and so I ought to show you a certain level of hospitality. You know, this is my first time hosting anyone in quite some time.”

“Well, you are doing it well, I promise. I am settling well, and your home is beautiful.”

Silence settled over them, and still she did not seem to be in any more comfort. It was as though it was his presence that was unsettling her, and he recoiled at the thought. He did not want her to dislike being around him, whether they married or not.

Did she remember how he had spoken to her? It was entirely possible, and it made him feel awful that she had memories of it after so much time had passed. He wanted to do something to fix it, but with no way of knowing whether or not that was the problem, he was at a loss.

“Well,” she said suddenly. “This has been a most pleasant introduction, but I really ought to return to my room to dress for dinner. Thank you, again, for your hospitality.”

Before he could stop her, she ran away from him. She, at least, did not run past him, and therefore did not come close enough to see him well, but that did not dull the ache in his chest.

After all, it did not even have to be the way he had spoken to her all that time ago that had disgusted her. She must have known that he was scarred from society gossip in London, and hiding away in the shadows only led to the rumors being confirmed in her mind. In essence, she had been shipped away to his household to marry him because her father needed money.

Perhaps that was why she had agreed to it. She loved her sister, that much was clear to him, and so she was sacrificing herself to give her the chance at real love. That was the last thing that he wanted, however, and even though she had not said so in so many words, he knew that it would be the case.

Nobody could love a man like him, he knew that well enough.

“She is wonderful, is she not?” His mother asked brightly, having been waiting in his study for him.

“Mother!” He gasped. “What are you doing in here?”

“Well, I saw the two of you going in the same direction into the woods, and so I assumed the two of you might meet sooner than you were expecting. Am I right in said assumptions?”

“You are, but that does not mean that we had any sort of lengthy discussions.”

“You do not need one. It certainly did not take me long to see that the two of you will make a good match. She will be good for you, I think.”

“And I think she is horrified by me, exactly as I feared, and will run the second she is given the chance to.”

“Nonsense,” she sighed, placing a hand gently on his shoulder. “You need to stop seeing yourself as inherently unlovable. I shall not stand for it.”

“But you did not see how she was looking at me.”

“She does not know you, Dearest. Why, when I met your father, I was a young lady barely out of leading strings, and I was feeling everything that Lady Jacqueline must be feeling right now.”

“Yes, but Father was an attractive man that you could eventually fall for, and his dukedom was merely an added strength. Mine, however, is all that I have.”

“That is not fair to you. Philip. You are an intelligent man, you are passionate and kind whether you see that or not, and any lady would be fortunate to be your wife, I assure you.”

“Ah yes, such wonderful fortunes as a hideous husband that cannot even leave his own home. What self-respecting lady could say no?”

“Philip, I am not going to do this with you, and I am not going to tell the poor girl that you are some sort of monster when you are not. If you cannot bring yourself to see things a little more optimistically, and you lose this girl, then you shall only have yourself to blame. Am I clear?”

Philip sighed. He knew that his mother was right, and he had to find a way to get to know Lady Jacqueline better, as she would be staying with him for a good amount of time whether they married or not, but something told him that there was more to the predicament than his appearance. She did not seem to want anything to do with him at all, and he had to know just what that was.

“You are most clear, indeed,” he nodded. “I ought to prepare for dinner, as Lady Jacqueline is. I shall see you later.”

“Philip—”

“I know. I shall think on what you have said, and I shall do my best to speak with Lady Jacqueline at dinner.”

He had not intended to attend the first dinner, or if he did attend then he planned to seat himself at the opposite end of a long table so that he could not be looked at too closely, but his mother was correct.

He had to at least make an effort and try to speak with Lady Jacqueline. He liked her well enough, that was not in question, and if she did not tell him directly that she felt the opposite then he had to believe she felt the same way.

He left his mother in the study and dressed for dinner, fixing a black mask onto his face to match his shirt. The shirt had been his favorite since the accident; long sleeves, high collar, and made of thick material that could not be seen through even if wet. It was a shirt he could not picture himself replacing, even though it had begun to thin from how often he wore it.

He made his way to dinner, his heart pounding in his chest. There would be a space beside her to sit in, and he had to sit in it whether he liked it or not, and talk to her. He did not know what he would be speaking with her about, of course, but with any luck the words would come to him with ease, just as they used to.

As he peered into the room, however, he realized that his evening would be far easier, but it was devastating all the same.

Lady Jacqueline was not there, even though her father and sister were. There were two empty seats instead of one, and he therefore had no real requirement to enter the room at all. There was no young lady there to impress, and so as far as he was concerned, he did not need to be present at all.

And so he walked away.