20. Maya

My eyes keep burning awake. With Revnan fast asleep at my side, I should be slumbering, too. I should be basking in the beautiful melancholy of this moment.

Shouldbe.

But my eyes keep burning awake, trailing a yellow watermark on the ceiling above me, following it across the room, to the floor, and back again. I want it to lead somewhere, like our plan. I want to be comfortable, thinking that it will work and save us. But what I want and what I think should happen just don"t line up with how I feel.

The truth is, we're grasping at straws. We have vague sensations, theories, and a few possible memories, but not enough knowledge to make sense of it all. It all sounds crazy, and maybe it is. We might be wrong about any part of this, or all of it.

Still, the fact that we both seem to feel the same strange deja vu feeling when we talk about it makes me think that we're not. Even if we aren't, though, I'm not sure what any of it means.

I turn over to face him, still held in a peaceful slumber, the truth about what awaits us far from his mind. Perhaps I'm too much of a realist to cling to that hope, or maybe there've been too many nights like this one, laying awake, waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I heave a heavy breath and start to rise from the pallet, only to find Revnan clinging to me with his arms.

"Where do you think you're going?" he asks, tucking me in further by wrapping a massive furry leg around me. I can't help but smile, despite myself. Realist or not, there've been too few opportunities in my life to relish being in someone's arms like this.

"Nowhere," I tell him, pulling his huge arms around me again and tucking my head under his. "I'm just so anxious about today. I really think we should stay together."

"We've been over this. I'll get back to my troop and come back for you after the war when it's safe."

"I just don't think that time will come," I admit, pulling his face to look at me. "There's no peace for Armstrong."

"But I'm walking towards the conflict."

"I still think it's safer with you than anywhere else in the universe."

"Suppose you get killed?"

"I'd rather live a week with my fated mate than a lifetime without him." But the furrow in his brow tells me he still isn't convinced.

"C'mon," he says, tucking me in once again, "Let's try to sleep while we can." Soon enough, he's snoring again, and I'm back to studying the watermark on the ceiling. I can't help but feel bad, leaving my family to disappear behind enemy lines. Running into danger with him, only to watch him rejoin his troop without me.

I pull myself out of his arms, heading to a window with just enough light peeking in for me to take in the day ahead of me. The nervous twisting of my stomach, usually caused by hunger, is this time in a tug of war with itself. Suppose we ditch this plan and simply run away together?

In the face of doubt, and with the dawn just beginning to shine on my face, an option occurs to me that I hadn't considered. I pull my hands together and drop my head for a silent prayer.

Ataxia came to Revnan in his darkest hour, he says. I wonder if she'll appear to me if I make this solemn request out loud. With my mind concentrated, I beg this one small thing of the universe at large.

"Maybe it's too much to ask to be together now," I start, unsure what to say, or even who to say it to. Perhaps Ataxia doesn"t respond to humans, but then, I've never been big on human gods, either.

"So, to whoever's listening, anyone at all, maybe it's too much for us to be together now. Maybe forces work against us that we can't outweigh, maybe the odds just aren"t in our favor. But please, give us a future, at least. We deserve to be together in some sense of the word. So I beg you, please. Don't take him from me forever."

We wake a few hours later,with the broad daylight shining into the schoolroom and a purpose, albeit not a very united one.

"Do we have enough hydration packs?" he asks cautiously. We've already fought about what awaits us a half dozen times since waking, and neither of us wants to start that up again.

I think I'm afraid, deep down, that whatever's at odds with us has already won. The fear that we're walking to a fate pre-decided for us long ago makes me desperate to try anything that can change it.

"I'm sure we can salvage one or two on the way," I tell him, folding up our pallet and stuffing it into my bag.

It's the unsaid words that rule us now. The shy glances that mean ‘I'll miss you' and the reluctant return stares that say ‘I don"t want you to go.' Yet we sneak out of the schoolhouse together in the sunshine. Snow still clings to the shadowy corners of Armstrong, adding a stark glare to our walk as we trudge on, at odds and yet united.

Somewhere in the silence, I slide my fingers into his, a signal that I hope he reads as my trust in him, even though we disagree. Honestly, there's just no way to go into this and know the outcome. Our fate lies in the hands of great forces at work, and we're simply caught in the crosshairs of what will be.

"Any idea of where they may have gone?" I ask, looking up at his towering figure.

"We'll have to go back to the most recent camp base and look for signs of which way they headed." It's easier said than done.

We step out into what used to be Main Street, but the sign has been blackened over with paint. They all have. Even street signs are casualties in this war. Thankfully I grew up here, and there are markers even the Coalition doesn't know about.

"I don't know how to get back there," he admits, looking at a four-way stop.

"Tell me about base camp. Were there any buildings in the area? That kind of thing."

"It was a small farm where they had us set up. With a large white silo and a red barn." Bingo.

"That's Greer's tree farm," I say, taking a left down the unnamed street. The Coalition set up concrete blocks, upturned hover cars, and anything else they could piece together to direct all foot traffic straight through town. It's dangerous, but it"s the only way to Greer's.

"We set foot traps through here," Revnan bends down, showing me the lines of the traps. Now that I know what to look for, thousands come into focus.

"Fuck, you did," I say, my jaw agape. "How are we supposed to get through this?"

"One step at a time." He looks cocksure, and it"s a good thing, too. He takes the first step, wobbling slightly.

"Careful." I remind him, "You're out of practice, soldier. It"s gonna be harder than you think." But I"m dead wrong, as he rights himself a second later. He takes each agile step, holding out his hand for me to follow in his footsteps.

"Step where I step," he says, but I don't need telling. One wrong step and our fate is sealed. I have no intention of losing everything now that we've come this far. Gripping his hand for my life, I follow him step by step until we make it to the other side of the street. My shoulders drop as I begin to breathe easily again.

"Sure you want to send me back through this alone?" I try to sound casual about it, but I"m begging him to reconsider.

"I trust you'll be safe," he says the words, but his voice sounds unsure.

After a bit, we make it to an open field away from town where a small dirt path leads to Greer's farm.

"This is a back road." I point down to the farm where evidence of barracks used to be. "Look there. It looks like they went south, towards the village of Apotilu." Looking out, the ground near the treeline has been gouged out to make room for heavy hover artillery.

We step into the field, looking for med paks, food rations, or anything left behind. When we have enough makeshift supplies, we start our trek. The sun hangs high over our heads, despite the chilly wind nipping at my ears. After a few hours, the path becomes less clear.

"They've dispersed throughout the area. It makes it harder for us to be tracked while moving the troops, but it makes them impossible to track. It's getting dark, too. Are you getting hungry?"

"Yes, very."

"Then we better try to find somewhere we can camp for the night. We need to be off this road and out of sight."

"I may know a place." My thoughts turn to a spot I know to be a long shot, but hey, crazier things have happened since the war began. "This way, follow me."