Chapter 5

Ivy

I was trying my hardest to keep a level head. I realize the vulnerable position I'm in. I'm at his mercy. He doesn't have to take me in. He can leave me in the lurch just like I left him in prison, but he chose to help me. I'm sure that's largely because of Lilly.

Gideon places the bags on the kitchen counter. The place looks the same as it did two years ago – same dishes, same furniture – same everything. But it doesn't feel the same. The love that once permeated this place is gone. It's not warm and definitely not inviting. It doesn't feel like a cozy home. It feels tense. Yet, it still feels like a refuge from the storm that is currently my life. I suppose I should be grateful for that.

I haven't cooked in weeks. I'm actually looking forward to it, but Gideon is glaring at me like I'm doing something wrong. He's pissed that I left for groceries, but what else was I supposed to do? Me and babygirl needed sustenance.

I rinse out Lilly's sippy cup and pour in some apple juice. She walks to the living room and struggles to climb up on the sofa with those little legs of hers, but eventually, she pulls herself up. I go ahead and find cartoons to keep her occupied, then return to the kitchen and unpack groceries.

Gideon is still standing near the table with his arms crossed. This is an old school house – there's no island in this kitchen – only counters and a four-chair dinette – so there's really nothing to separate us.

I look at him and ask, "Is it okay if I cook breakfast? I haven't had a decent meal in some time."

"Neither have I."

I grin.

He doesn't.

I guess his answer was a confirmation that it was okay, so I find two pans – one for eggs, and the other for smoked sausage. I'm just now noticing there's no toaster. I know there used to be one, but not sure what happened to it. Anyway, plain bread will have to do.

I whip the eggs in a bowl and scramble them to a perfect consistency. After I put the sausage in the skillet, Gideon finally breaks his silence by saying, "I'll make sure you have my new number."

"Okay."

He whips out a chair at the table, sits and crosses his legs.

Crap! Now, I'm going to have to talk to him. And it's not really the talking part that I'm worried about. It's the looking him in the face while taking ownership of the fact that he's not treating me the same way I treated him. I straight-up abandoned him. I had my reasons, but still, I left him when he needed me the most. Now, he's rescuing me .

I fix him a plate and place it on the table in front of him. I say, "There's not a toaster, so it's just plain bread."

"I don't care anything about that. Bread is bread. Anything is better than what I had in the slammer."

I take my plate and sit on the opposite side of the small table, opting for the adjacent seat instead of the one directly in front of him.

He starts eating. I glance up intermittently to watch him, but the last time I thought I'd sneak a glance, his eyes were beaming directly at me.

Busted!

"If you want to say something, just say it," he tells me.

"I—I wasn't going to say anything."

"Then why were you staring at me?"

"Sorry," I tell him. "It was a mistake."

"A mistake…" he tsks. "Then, I'll say something since I didn't get the opportunity to say it to you—you know, after you hung up on me."

"Gideon—"

"How about you let me talk now? Can you at least give me that much?"

Veins bulge at his temple as his chest moves in and out rapidly.

"Okay. Fine," I reply, because what else was I going to say?

He says, "I know you hate the MC, but they weren't the reason I went to prison. It was my brother."

"I know. I heard the story."

"From who?"

"From the streets. Everybody was talking about it." I take a sip of coffee and say, "I just don't understand why you would do something like that."

"Because it was my brother. I was trying to watch his six."

"I realize that, but you made a deal with me that you'd live the lifestyle you live and not get caught. I was planning for our future. You were living for the present."

He clenches his jaw and asks, "And how's planning for the future working out for you when you're running from a man you thought was going to provide you with that? I am who I am, Ivy, but I never laid a hand on you!"

"You're right," I say. I have no defense. I sit here and eat, forcing this food down. I'm hungry and nervous all at the same time. The food doesn't even taste good anymore.

"But, you know what? That's neither here nor there, is it?" he fires.

He gets up from the table and tosses his ceramic plate into the sink so hard, it breaks. I instantly jump in my chair from the flashbacks of coming from an abusive situation. I'm still on edge for that. Apparently, I have two men angry with me now.

"The only reason you're here—in my house—is because of Lilly. I don't trust you and never will trust you to be the kind of woman to have my back even when I've done nothing but have yours!"

Tears fall from my eyes when he exits out the back door and slams that, too. I scramble to dry my eyes when I hear Lilly singing her ‘ma-ma' song as she enters the kitchen.

This is downright awful. I don't even recognize who I am anymore. I was never this weak, crying woman, running scared from a man. I was strong. Powerful. I could do anything. Now, I don't even recognize myself.

I pick up Lilly and feed her a little apple sauce. After I mince up a piece of sausage, I feed her some of it as well. Going forward, I'll lay low, keep quiet and stay out of Gideon's way. I don't want to be out on the streets again, and I definitely don't want Gideon trying to take my daughter away from me while I'm in this state of transition.