Chapter 11

CHAPTER ELEVEN

The skunks didn’t seem friendly. There were about fifty of them, and they’d spread themselves out around the large room. Most of them sat in the bleachers. They watched us with narrowed eyes and their little paws on their grenades. I couldn’t believe any of it. It was like a fever dream or a really bad comedy-horror movie. But this wasn’t a movie, and it definitely wasn’t a comedy. Cute or not, I’d end their smelly asses if they came at us.

I’d dealt with lots of deadly enemies in my short time as an Immortal. However, none of them were as sweet looking as the furballs sitting in the audience. How was this even happening?

“Do you think them little stinkers understand English?” Gram asked, barely moving her lips.

“Are you being for real?” I asked.

“Totally,” she said. “I ain’t never seen a skunk with a dang grenade before and they’re sittin’ like people for the love of everything strange. Didn’t think a skunk needed a weapon since their butts are weapons that smell bad enough to gag a maggot.”

Gram’s way with words never disappointed. And she was correct about them sitting like they were human. More than half had their little furry legs crossed. A couple even sat crisscross applesauce. It upped the adorable factor substantially. “Umm… I guess since this is from my unfortunate imagination that the skunks understand English.”

“That’s good,” she grunted.

“Why is that good, old lady?” I asked.

Gram leaned into Alana Catherine and me. With a lowered voice, she explained her plan. “Welp, it’s a well-known fact from the Animal Channel that skunks can be friendly and playful. Love me some Animal Channel. When I ain’t watching a game show, I love them sweeter than sugar rescue stories. So, what I’m sayin’ is that skunks ain’t all that bad. I mean aside from the knives, grenades and the resting bitch faces, they’re sorta irresistible.”

“They’re legal to own as pets in seventeen states,” Alana Catherine added.

I squinted at my child in disbelief. “How in the world do you know that? You were a baby this morning.”

She grinned and shrugged. “I’m with Aunt Jennifer a lot, and that woman knows a lot of insane facts.”

“Truth,” I muttered. Jennifer was the queen of weird and inappropriate trivia. Still, I hadn’t realized my baby’s brain had absorbed what she’d heard. Trying to make sense out of the senseless was a waste of time. I just went with it. “Okay, so skunks are playful and friendly and can be kept for pets.”

“In seventeen states,” my daughter repeated with a wink and a grin.

“Right. So, with that being said, why do you want to know if they speak English?” I asked Gram.

“Hear me out,” she said. “I know me some game show etiquette since I’m addicted to ‘em. Before every show, they have a warm-up act to get the audience into the spirit. It’s usually a comedian. I think them skunks are the audience, and I need to get them into the spirit so those stinkers don’t turn on us. Gotta wipe them resting bitch faces off them furry critters and turn their frowns upside down. Get ‘em on our team so they don’t blow us up or aim a stinky at us that singes the hair right off our heads.”

“I think that might be one of the weirdest things you’ve ever said,” I told her.

“Weirder than when I told Verna Lee Smith that her pants were so tight, I could see her religion?” Gram questioned.

Alana Catherine tried not to laugh.

My daughter failed. So did I. Gram was a firecracker. She was also seriously funny.

Shaking my head, I covertly scanned the crowd of skunks. They did seem to be the audience. I wondered which one of them was the Higher Power… if any. A horrible thought occurred to me. Were we even on the freaking Higher Power’s plane?

“We’re in the right place,” Alana Catherine promised.

Again, I was in disbelief. “Did you just read my mind?”

She smiled. “Nope. Your face. And this is the right plane. I feel it in my gut. It feels familiar.”

Her statement was weirder than Gram’s about Verna Lee Smith’s privates, but I’d have her explain later when we weren’t surrounded by armed and dangerous skunks.

Trying not to think too hard so I didn’t come up with a myriad of reasons why Gram shouldn’t be the warm-up act, I followed my gut. “Go for it, Gram.”

And she did.

“Howdy! Howdy! How we doin’ on this fine day?” she called out waving at the skunks.

Not one skunk made a sound. If anything, they looked more furious.

“Tough crowd,” Gram said with a chuckle. “No worries. Gram is here to tickle your funny bone and put a metaphorical cork in your butts!”

Again, silence. I was stunned to silence as well. I wasn’t sure how threatening them with what basically amounted to a butt plug shoved up their rear ends was going to win them over. That didn’t deter Gram. She was one determined gal.

“Lemme tell you somethin’, ladies and gents,” she said in her outdoor voice. “Hungry coyotes are like hemorrhoids. Pain in the tushy when they come down through the cracks in the hill and always a relief when they go back up the mountain.”

That got a few laughs and a few groans. At least none of them lobbed a grenade at us. It was somewhat of a comfort to know we could get killed on this plane but not die. However, that meant whatever we killed would also come back.

“Try this one on for size,” Gram said, getting into her groove. She’d grabbed a broom lying on the floor and used it as a microphone. “What do you get if you cross a skunk and an elephant?”

No one answered.

“Come on now,” she said. “Ain’t y’all Stinky Petes got a guess?”

The skunks exchanged glances then one raised a paw. I heaved a sigh of relief that there wasn’t a grenade in it.

“You! Over there,” Gram yelled with excitement. “Gimme your best guess, Pepé Le Pew.”

The skunk’s voice was high and squeaky. I had no clue if it was male or female. They all looked exactly the same. “The answer is, I don’t know but you can smell it from miles away.”

“Bingo, Polecat!” Gram shouted.

The crowd chuckled. A few of the skunks put down their grenades and swords to high-five the one who’d provided the answer to the joke.

“Another,” a skunk yelled.

“On it,” Gram assured her fan. “What’s black and white and green?”

The audience leaned forward in anticipation of the answer.

Gram didn’t leave them hanging. “Two skunks fightin’ over a pickle!”

That one got belly laughs. The entire situation was bizarre, but Gram was handling it like a pro. I never would have thought to tell armed-to-the-teeth skunks jokes.

“That’s why all three of us need to be here,” Alana Catherine said.

“My face?” I questioned.

“Your face,” she confirmed.

There was more to it than that. I was connected to my child on a very deep level. It wasn’t explainable, but it didn’t need to be explained. It was what it was and it was beautiful.

“Alrightyroo,” Gram said, doing a little jazz square and getting whoops and yee-haws from the crowd. “What happened when the skunk wrote a book?”

“Don’t know,” a squeaky voice called out.

Gram dropped her broom and slapped her hands onto her hips. “Well, I do! It became a best-smeller!”

The clapping was loud. The laughs were louder. Gram had them eating out of her hand. “And to finish up my set, I got one more for ya!”

The audience cheered. Not a single skunk was armed anymore. The weapons had been neatly placed under their chairs. So far, so good.

Alana Catherine whispered in my ear. “Spiritually, skunks symbolize fearlessness, protection and balance. The black and white of their fur embodies the balance between the dark and the light.”

“Dude, daughter,” I said with an amazed laugh. “I hate to be a broken record, but how do you know that? That doesn’t sound like Jennifer trivia.”

She grinned and shook her head. “Honestly, I’m not sure. Maybe Tim? But, really, I don’t have a clue. The answers just keep coming to me. It’s kind of handy, though. Right?”

“Right,” I agreed, giving her a quick hug and a kiss on the cheek.

“One more thing,” she said with a scheming expression on her gorgeous face.

I stared at her. I couldn’t read her mind, but I had a very good idea of what she was about to say.

“You want a pet skunk,” I stated with a mini eye roll.

She laughed. “I want a pet skunk.”

“You’re gonna have to ask your dad about that,” I replied, avoiding the issue with what I thought was finesse.

“Pretty sure dad is wrapped around my finger,” she pointed out.

This time I laughed. “Pretty sure you’re correct.”

My girl was a sly one. But… I wouldn’t mind a pet skunk either as long as it didn’t have a stinker, grenades or a sword.

Gram hustled back over with a self-satisfied smirk. “Restin’ bitch faces are gone! I right like them little critters. Wouldn’t mind having a skunk as a pet.”

Alana looked at me with a raised brow.

“Crazy runs in the family,” I muttered.

“Five minutes until show time,” a harried woman yelled, running onto the stage with a clipboard in her hand.

The lights on the stage grew brighter and made me squint. Canned elevator music came from invisible speakers hidden in the walls, and a large camera on a tripod appeared from out of nowhere and landed at the edge of the stage.

The woman running around was a hot mess. Tall but hunched over. Most of her hair had escaped her ponytail and hung in her face. Her headset held some of it back, but most of her face was obscured. Her jeans were frayed, and her t-shirt was half tucked.

“Bad juju,” Gram whispered.

I didn’t get that feeling, but I wasn’t second-guessing the woman who’d raised me. “You think she’s the Higher Power?” I asked so softly Gram and Alana Catherine had to lean in to hear me.

“Don’t know,” Gram said.

“No,” Alana Catherine said firmly at the same time.

Whatever she was, she seemed to be in charge. She eyed us with exasperation. “You couldn’t have worn something more colorful?” she snapped. “Black doesn’t look great on film. It’s a game show, not a funeral.”

“We didn’t know we were going to be on a game show,” I explained in a polite tone. I was sure pissing anyone off here wouldn’t go over well.

“Well, you are,” she huffed. “Get into places and be prepared to look like shit on TV.”

She stomped away and hissed at the skunks. They immediately picked up their weapons hissed back.

“You think Pat Sajak and Vanna White are here?” Gram asked, trying to sound casual, but not quite making it.

“Doubtful,” I said just as the people in question walked out onto the stage and made me a liar.

“Holy heck!” Gram squealed. “I think I’ve died and gone to Heaven!”

“One, Heaven is more of a concept than a place,” I told her. “Two, let’s not talk about dying. You saw what happened after I mentioned skunks.”

“True that, Daisy girl,” Gram said, looking sheepish. “Just got excited that Pat and Vanna are here.”

“Not sure that’s actually Pat and Vanna,” Alana Catherine said quietly.

My girl was spot on. The real Pat and Vanna were classy and dignified. The fake Pat and Vanna were not. My mouth hung open in a perfect O as the duo twerked like they were on fire then slapped each other’s rear ends like they were putting out a fire. The sound echoed through the cavernous room and was embarrassing to watch. Even the skunks had covered their eyes with their grenades. I sent a quick wish out into the Universe that none of the little stinkers blew themselves up by accident.

“Are we ready to play… Wheel. Of. Fortune ?” Fake Pat Sajak demanded, leering at Fake Vanna White.

“You bet your blue balls we are,” Vanna squealed, disrobing down to her bra and spanks. She marched over to the big letterboard and flipped off the audience. Pat laughed like a loon.

“Oh, my heck,” Gram said, fanning herself. “I’m shocked Vanna wears spanks. Thought she was all natural.”

“It might look like her, but that’s not Vanna,” I ground out under my breath. “And that’s definitely not Pat.”

Pat brought my theory home by humping the edge of the wheel and faking a massive orgasm. At least, I hoped he was faking it.

What came next was awful. It would take a lot to top a twerking Pat and Vanna in the awful department, but someone was clearly trying to break me.

Black-robed and hooded beings who appeared to have no feet floated into the room from behind the letterboard. There were three of them, and they each dragged a ghost on a glowing golden chain. I recognized the dead immediately and almost threw up in my mouth. It was Sam, John and Birdie. Their hollowed-out eyes were unfocused, and they seemed oblivious to the surroundings. It took everything I had and the help of my daughter and grandmother to keep me from charging the hooded bastards and destroying them.

“Not yet,” Alana Catherine instructed. “This is a game. I have a feeling we can win them back.”

I wasn’t as sure. Normally, I looked before I leapt. Today I was running on raw emotion—that emotion being rage at the moment. However, my daughter was correct. I didn’t know how someone who had little over a month of existence could be so wise, but she was a gift. My gift. Alone, this would have been a disaster. I wasn’t alone. I was the present. Gram was the past and my child was the future. We were strongest together.

Nodding curtly, I took my place at the wheel. Sam, John and Birdie were led to a platform next to the letter board. Keeping my eye on them would be very easy.

“And the Angel of Mercy will spin first,” Pat screamed, pointing at me.

“Rules?” I asked coldly. “Tell me the rules.”

Vanna rolled her eyes and flipped me off. She was a nasty piece of work. “Spin the wheel and guess a damn letter. If you want to, you can try to solve the puzzle.”

“Repercussions if I’m wrong?” I questioned in an even but steely tone.

“That one is a smart cookie!” Pat screeched as Vanna sneered at me. “If you guess wrong one of those deplorables turns to dust.

Again, Gram and Alana Catherine had to hold me back. It might not be the best move to fight physically, but no one said a war of the words was off the table.

“Interesting,” I said. “I only see two deplorables in here.”

Pat’s eyes glazed over and Vanna yawned with boredom. Either they didn’t realize I was referring to them or they didn’t care. Didn’t matter. It felt good to say it. Not as good and electrocuting the daylights out of them would have felt, but it would have to suffice.

“First word, three letters,” Gram said, pointing to the board. “Second, three letters. Third, nine letters which is divisible by three. Last word, three letters. Three is our number, gals.”

“No one guess the answer unless you’re sure you know it,” I instructed in a voice low enough Pat and Vanna couldn’t hear me.

“What happens when we land on a name?” Alana Catherine questioned. “And what happens to the dead at the end of the game?”

They were excellent questions. “Pat Sajak,” I called out as he and Vanna whisper-hissed viciously at each other. Maybe they weren’t as tight as they appeared to be… “What happens to the dead at the end of the game?”

“If you solve the puzzle, and good luck with that, you get to keep them. If you lose … we get to keep them.”

He was going to be lucky if he didn’t lose his head in the very near future.

I needed to know one more detail. “And what happens when we land on an individual name?”

His expression turned sour. He was a colossal asshole.

“If you land on a name and the letter you pick is on the board, the owner of the name earns a point.”

“And if the letter is not on the board?” I pressed.

He smiled. It was creepy. “They get a lash.”

This was bullshit, but it didn’t seem that there was a choice. Although…

“I’d like to take the lash in place of the dead,” I stated flatly.

Vanna squealed with rabid delight. Pat trembled with excitement.

“YES!” he shouted.

Hustling over, he pulled me away from the wheel and over to the hooded bastards. They laughed as I was thrown to the ground at their feet. It was a slimy sound. This place was fucked.

Glancing over at Alana Catherine and Gram, I saw the fear on their faces. Unsure if I’d just given myself a death sentence, I reminded myself that if I died, I would come back. I gave them a thumbs-up and a forced smile.

“Let the games begin,” Fake Pat Sajak bellowed.

My grandmother and daughter exchanged a few quiet words. When they parted, Gram was smiling like the cat who ate the canary. Alana Catherine gave me a covert thumbs up back, and I got a little worried. I didn’t want either of them trading places with me. If that was their plan, I was going to kick their asses.

It wasn’t their plan.

In a matter of five freaking minutes, I watched in delighted shock as every single time they guessed a letter it was correct. Every. Single. Time. All points, no lashes. It was uncanny luck or they were cheating. Pat and Vanna grew more perturbed with each correct guess and by the time there was only one letter left on the board, Pat was punching himself in the head, literally, and Vanna had clawed her arms until they bled.

It was every kind of awesome.

“I’d like to solve the fuckin’ puzzle, Pat,” Gram said, flipping the bruised and beaten man her middle finger.

Gram didn’t flip birds. Gram did not use the F-bomb. That was then. This was now. She was badass.

“Go ahead, bitch,” he shouted.

Gram smiled and waved at the skunks who were with her all the way. “May the strongest win.”

“DAMNIT,” Vanna shrieked. “Fine. They’re yours, good fucking luck with the next round.”

In a fit of fury, Fake Vanna White pulled a machine gun out from under one of the robes of the hooded freaks and opened fire on the skunks. They didn’t stand a chance. I grabbed the ghosts and dove for Gram and Alana Catherine, tackling them to the ground and covering them with my body. The sounds of the skunks screaming in agony as Fake Pat, Fake Vanna and the woman with the headset made a run for it, make my stomach churn. They only solace I had was that the skunks would come back.

Slowly, I got off of Gram and Alana Catherine. The three of us along with Sam, Birdie and John stared at the remains of the massacre that had just taken place. It was so senseless and vile.

Alana Catherine shook like a leaf. The more my child trembled the more she began to glow. I’d expected her to glow either gold or red considering her parentage. That was not the case. The colors around my daughter were blinding and mix of every single color imaginable. Pandora had said she was much more than anyone knew. I was getting a preview to that right now.

I tried to reach out to comfort her, but the force of her power threw me back.

“This is wrong,” she cried out. “So wrong. Come to me. I will care for you now.”

“Oh shit,” Gram muttered as the floor beneath us began to rock and buckle.

Shit was an understatement. All I could do was watch as my daughter tended to the slain adorable stinkers. As she chanted in the strange language Gideon had spoken earlier, I wondered if she understood the words. Regardless, the souls of the dead and torn-to-shreds mammals rose above the bloody murder site.

“Come to me,” she commanded. “Come to me. NOW.”

One by one, all fifty souls of the skunks flew into my daughter’s body. She didn’t flinch. She barely moved. Her arms were outstretched, and her magic swirled around her. I had no clue what the hell she was thinking. If she assumed that because Gram hopped a ride in me, that she could somehow bring the skunks to safety, we were going to have a serious talk.

“Well, slap my ass and call me Sally,” Gram whispered in shock as Alana Catherine turned around and faced us with a huge smile on her face. “Our little gal is a Soul Keeper as well as the future Death Counselor.”

“Wait. What?” I asked, sure I’d heard her wrong. That gift ran in bloodlines, just like the Death Counselor ran in ours. I was very sure that I’d given birth to her and that Gideon was her dad. Missy, who was a legit Soul Keeper, had nothing to do with it.

“That’s not possible,” I told Gram.

“Darlin,” she said with a smile. “Anything is possible, you just have to believe.”

My daughter approached us. “Don’t be scared,” she said. “It’s all okay.”

Sucking an audible breath in through my teeth, I shoved my hands into my pockets in frustration. “There might be a little problem.”

She looked confused.

“Nothing dies here. It all comes back. What happens when all the souls you’re housing come back to life?”

“Okay,” Alana Catherine said in a higher pitch than I was used to hearing. “Wasn’t aware of that wrinkle. You sure about that?”

“Positive,” I replied.

“Fuck a duck,” Gram muttered, using the F-bomb for the second time today. At the rate we were headed, she was going to make the Guinness Book of World Potty Mouth Records. Candy Vargo would be proud.

If I was my daughter, I’d be freaking out a little. I was not my daughter. She wasn’t freaking out. She threw her head back and laughed.

“That’s funny?” I asked warily.

She nodded. “Not to worry. When they want to regenerate, they’re free to leave.”

I wasn’t positive, but I was pretty sure Gram dropped another F-bomb.

I walked over to my daughter and took her in my arms. “That was insane. Scared the heck out of me. I have a request.”

“Shoot,” she said, hugging me tight.

“Next time you’re going to take a few centuries off my life, could I get a heads-up first, please?”

She giggled. “Yes. That’s completely reasonable. Would you like to know what I’m going to do next?”

“Umm… I think so,” I replied with a slight wince. “I mean, do I want to know?”

“You do,” she assured me, walking over to Sam, John and Birdie. “I’m going to invite our dead friends into me to hang out with the skunks for a bit. They’ll be safer that way.”

To say I was stunned to silence would have been an understatement. My child was way ahead of all of us. Gideon was going to flip. I wasn’t sure there was anything we could teach her that she didn’t already know. Hell, she could probably teach us.

“That’s a beautiful plan,” I finally told her. “Sam, John and Birdie, please meet my daughter, Alana Catherine. She’d like to give you a safe haven until you can go back into the Light. Is that good?”

They were weak and fading. I wasn’t sure if they’d understood what I’d just said. They had. With smiles of gratitude, they floated into Alana Catherine’s open arms. The moment they made contact, they disappeared. It was simple and stunning.

“Can you feel ‘em all in there?” Gram asked.

Alana Catherine smiled. “Kind of, but not physically. It’s more of a spiritual knowledge that I’m their host.”

Glancing around the stage, I noticed a door at the very back was lit up like a Christmas tree. It was beckoning to us.

“You gals ready for the second round?” I asked.

“Heck to the no,” Gram said, patting both me and Alana Catherine on our heads. “But that ain’t never stopped me and sure ain’t gonna stop me today!”

Taking my daughter’s hand in mine and Gram’s in the other, we walked together toward the next round.

I spoke the message aloud for all or our benefits. “The game is a riddle. Three must play to win and break the evil spells. The show will go on and the wheels will turn. The answers are questions. The price must be right or the innocent will pay. In the end the choice will be on the strongest. The strongest shall emerge the victor. Anything is possible. You just have to believe. Time is running out.”

“We’ve broken the evil spell,” Alana Catherine said.

“And that there wheel did turn,” Gram said, spitting on the wheel as we passed it.

“Then that means in the next game the answers will be questions,” I said. “Anyone wanna take a guess what the game is?”

Gram gave me a salute. “What is Jeopardy ?”

I had a feeling she was correct, and I would take the category of “Ready To Kick Ass” for five hundred, Alex.