8

“Please, Drew,” Olivia screamed, but her plea was just as useless as all her others had been. “Please just pull over,” she begged, the words tearing out of her throat like a sob.

Their car jerked to the side, and the glow of the other car’s headlights was the only warning Olivia got before the impact. Pain was all Olivia knew as the cars collided. There was the sound of crunching metal and shattering glass, and she screamed as Drew’s car flipped, her head smashing into the passenger window when the roof of the car hit the ground.

Olivia woke with a gasp. Her hands grasped at the bedsheets, but her panic didn’t immediately subside at the feeling of soft cotton rather than broken glass and the slickness of her own blood. Her breathing was shallow and rapid, and she forced herself to take a slow and deep breath in before releasing it in a shaky exhale.

She repeated the breathing exercise four more times, timing each inhale and exhale before her lungs no longer felt tight and oxygen-starved. Though her room was far from hot or even warm, she was covered in sweat, the back of her shirt clinging to her damp skin.

It was your fault , the voice in her head told her as she threw back her covers.

Olivia smothered her sob with the back of her hand. She’d had nightmares about the accident before—so many that it was rare to go more than four days without one—but this time felt different. Chris would be picking her up soon. The brother of one of the men who’d died that night was going to help her conquer her fear of heights, and she didn’t deserve it. She didn’t deserve him.

“I’m sorry,” Olivia whispered once she was in the shower. Her bottom lip started to tremble, and she let it. “I’m so sorry,” she said, but the running water drowned out her words.

After washing the sweat from her body and failing to cleanse the guilt staining her soul, Olivia got dressed into leggings and a pale blue exercise top. She’d put effort into picking out an outfit the night before, but she felt like a fraud after putting it on.

She shouldn’t have cared if her shirt matched the color of her eyes or if the leggings showed off her long legs. Chris didn’t want to be her friend, let alone anything else. She shouldn’t have been hoping for anything more than him begrudgingly doing this favor for her. Any crush she might have had on him as a stupid teenager needed to stay where it belonged: in the past.

She tied her hair up into a ponytail and put the contacts she rarely used anymore in before leaving the pool house. She wasn’t hungry in the slightest, but she knew it would be stupid to attempt rock climbing on an empty stomach. Her fear would make her weak enough. She didn’t need to contribute to its power.

Olivia was disappointed to find her parents and Riley still eating at the small table in their open-plan kitchen when she went into the main house. She’d been hoping it was late enough that her parents would be getting ready for church and Riley would be Ubering back to campus after staying the night in Olivia’s old room, leaving her to eat breakfast alone.

“Morning,” her dad said when he spotted her.

“Morning,” Olivia replied with a forced smile.

She grabbed a bowl and a spoon from the kitchen before joining them at the table, where a box of Captain Crunch and a carton of milk were already waiting for her.

“Are you going to the gym or something?” Riley asked her.

She had a huge plate of scrambled eggs in front of her, but Olivia wasn’t surprised to see the bowl of yogurt and fruit next to it as well. Her half-sister ate a huge amount of food despite her slim frame. She’d once passed out when their mother had sent her to her room without dinner. It had been a scary way to learn Riley got hypoglycemic if she skipped meals, and Olivia was sure their mom still beat herself up over it.

“I’m going rock climbing,” Olivia answered while pouring cereal into her bowl.

“Excuse me?” her dad asked, his spoon dropping into his own bowl with a clatter.

“You can’t go rock climbing,” her mom said. “You only just started walking without crutches again.”

Olivia sighed and poured milk over her Captain Crunch. “My physiotherapist cleared me. I’ll be fine.”

“What if you fall?” her mom asked, looking horrified.

“I won’t fall.” Chris would make sure of it. Hopefully.

“There’s no guarantee of that,” her mother argued.

“Who are you going with?” Riley asked, looking much less worried than the others.

Olivia tried to hide her grimace. Her parents knew Chris wasn’t exactly a fan of hers anymore. “Just someone from college. He’s belayed for other people and knows what he’s doing.”

“Do we know this person?” her dad asked.

Olivia hummed in confirmation before stuffing a large amount of cereal in her mouth.

“Well, who is it?” he pressed once she’d been chewing for a fair amount of time.

“One of Noah’s friends,” she finally replied after swallowing.

“Oh,” he replied, sounding far more calm.

“Which one?” Riley asked, her eyes narrowed on Olivia.

Olivia rolled her eyes. She supposed she didn’t have much of a choice. “Chris.”

Riley’s eyes widened. “Chris?”

“Honey,” her mom said, her head shaking in a pitying way that grated on Olivia’s nerves. “Are you sure that’s the best idea?”

Olivia suppressed a sigh. “What do you think he’s going to do? Not attach the rope to my harness correctly?”

“Well, no,” her mom admitted.

“It’ll be fine,” Olivia promised. “I’m going to be careful, and Chris won’t try to murder me in broad daylight.”

Her dad shook his head. “Is there a reason you want to start doing dangerous sports when you can’t even jog yet?” he asked.

Olivia pressed her lips together. She really didn’t feel like explaining it to them. “Because I’m tired of being scared of everything, and if I can do this, maybe one day I’ll be strong enough to get into the driver’s seat again.”

It didn’t matter that she hadn’t been the one driving that night. Being a passenger was bad enough. Being the one to drive, the one responsible for reacting to any threats, was too great a burden for her to bear. She was jumpy enough when other people were driving. She didn’t want to put herself, with her skittish and overenthusiastic instincts, behind the wheel.

“Livvy, you don’t need to push yourself,” her dad said, his expression sad. “Facing your fears is a good thing, but I don’t want you to get hurt in the process.”

“I’ll be fine,” she said firmly.

Her mother sighed. “Don’t you think you’re being a bit reckless?”

Olivia pursed her lips and narrowed her eyes at the woman sitting across from her. “I should have known you wouldn’t understand.”

Silence reigned for several uncomfortable seconds before her mother spoke.

“Riley, Hugh, could you give me and Olivia a minute?”

“Of course,” Riley said, and she and Olivia’s dad made themselves scarce.

It was an interesting change. Usually, Olivia felt like the one who was left out.

She looked at her mother properly for the first time since walking into the room and saw the tension lining her face and the rigidness of her posture. Olivia was expecting some kind of reprimand or admonishment from the woman, so her mother’s next words surprised her.

“I know I said it at the hospital, but I think I need to say it again. I’m so sorry, Olivia.”

Olivia looked down at her bowl of cereal. It wouldn’t be crunchy like she preferred it anymore. “What does this have to do with rock climbing?”

“Not much,” her mom admitted. “But it does have something to do with the tension between us, doesn’t it?”

Olivia shrugged, feeling like a moody teenager and not the adult she now was.

Her mother reached across the table and placed her hand on Olivia’s. “Honey, I know I’ve made terrible mistakes that have hurt you.”

Olivia slid her hand out from under her mother’s and looked up at the woman who looked like her older clone and so unlike Riley. “You made those mistakes for years,” Olivia reminded her.

“I know,” her mom said. “And I wish I could go back and change things. I wish I could go back and make sure you knew I was just as proud of your achievements as I was of Riley’s.”

Olivia’s hands curled into fists under the table. “I think we both know that you were never as proud of me as you were of her.”

Her mother sighed. “I understand why it would have felt that way, but I promise that’s not true.”

“Then why are there three times more photos of Riley than me in the living room?” Olivia asked. “And why did you always feel the need to divert the conversation about my dancing to Riley’s talent?”

Edith swallowed and gripped the crucifix hanging from her neck. “I know this doesn’t excuse my behavior, but I was so worried about making sure that Riley didn’t feel as though I’d forgotten her or that you and Hugh were some kind of replacement for her and her father.”

Olivia looked to the side. It was funny how her mother had been so concerned about Riley’s feelings on the matter but hadn’t realized that Olivia had also battled with the idea of her being a replacement for her mother’s first child.

“I left your sister when she was a baby because I was struggling, but then I had you soon after, and I worried so much about making sure that she and everyone else knew I loved her just as much as you that I ended up overcompensating.”

“And like always, you forgot about me in the process,” Olivia said with an angry shake of her head.

“No,” Edith argued. “In my mind, I’d already proven to you that I loved you unconditionally because I was at every ballet recital and every graduation. With Riley, it was different. I hadn’t been to any of those things, so I felt like I needed to prove it in another way.”

Olivia swallowed around the lump in her throat. “I get that, but showing your love for her doesn’t mean you needed to push me aside and put her on a pedestal.”

Her mom closed her eyes and nodded. “I know. I didn’t realize what I was doing at the time, but I see it now.”

“Do you realize how much of a failure you made me feel like?” Olivia asked, an angry ache building behind her eyes. “You made me feel like nothing I did was ever good enough because Riley would always be better than me.”

Edith’s blue eyes shone with moisture. “I’m so sorry, Olivia. I never wanted that. Before she moved here, I was just so riddled with guilt and was trying to keep her close to me in whatever way I could, and once she was here, I was so nervous about making sure she didn’t feel unloved or jealous of the daughter I hadn’t abandoned.”

“I get it,” Olivia said. “I really do, but I don’t know how I’m meant to just get over all of it.”

“And I don’t expect you to,” her mom assured her gently. “I know it will take a lot more work on my side to undo the damage I’ve done. I only hope that you’ll give me the chance to try and fix it.”

“I don’t know if you can,” she admitted quietly.

Olivia had never been one to forgive easily, and her mother’s sin wasn’t one small mistake. It was years’ worth of behavior that had made her feel unseen and like second-best. It was years’ worth of treatment that had made her crave attention from anyone and everyone.

Olivia had been happy to accept pitiful scraps of affection from others because at least it was something when it felt like her mother gave her nothing.

“But you’ll let me try?”

Olivia shrugged. “I guess.” She couldn’t exactly stop her mom from doing so.

Her mom forced a smile. “That’s all I ask.”

Olivia nodded and stood up. “I better finish getting ready. Chris will be here soon.”

“Okay,” her mom replied, stacking Olivia’s bowl on top of her own empty one.

“Thanks, Mom.” She pushed in her chair.

“Oh, before you go,” her mom said. “Riley wants to speak to you about something. Maybe you can make a plan to see her later today?”

Olivia pressed her lips together. “I’ll text her,” she said, already knowing she probably wouldn’t.

“Good luck with the rock climbing. Call us if there are any problems.”

“There won’t be any,” Olivia said before making her escape to the pool house.

She brushed her teeth before checking her reflection in the bathroom mirror. She hadn’t put on make-up because she was sure she’d be a sweaty mess by the time they were done, but her bangs covered the worst of the scar on her face. The section of it below her eye was visible but not nearly as noticeable as the section on her forehead. She supposed she didn’t look awful. A bit tired, maybe, but decent.

Chris got there a few minutes later, announcing his arrival with a text.

“You ready for this?” he asked once she was in the car and their awkward greeting was over.

“If I say no, can we go for coffee instead?” she asked hopefully.

“No,” Chris replied, but he sounded amused.

Olivia sighed. “I can’t remember why I thought this was a good idea.”

“Facing your fears, remember? It’s going to be great.” He handed her his unlocked phone. “You can change the music if you want to,” he said before putting the car in reverse.

Olivia smiled and started scrolling through his downloaded music. “Do you have anything by Noah Kahan?” she asked once it became clear his taste in music wasn’t very aligned with her own.

He took one hand off the steering wheel and held it out for the phone, his eyes still on the road as he approached a four-way stop. “Let me have a look, but I think so.”

“That’s okay. I’ll find it.”

Olivia started typing in the search bar, but a message popped up at the top of his screen. She would have ignored it if it didn’t contain an extremely eye-catching word.

Are you free tonight? I miss your big—

Olivia stopped reading and put the phone in Chris’s outstretched hand. “Kelce, huh?” she asked.

She didn’t want to look too deeply into why her stomach had dropped when she’d seen the message or why her throat felt uncomfortably tight all of a sudden.

“What?” Chris looked down at the screen, and his eyes widened when he saw the text.

Olivia stiffened when she saw a car approaching from the other direction. “Eyes on the road,” she yelled, her voice too shrill.

Chris jumped in his seat and came to a sharp stop way before the line of the stop street. “You scared the shit out of me,” he said angrily. “What the hell?”

“There was a car coming,” she explained tightly.

Chris glanced between her and the road ahead of them. “I’m sorry,” he said, his tone surprisingly gentle now. “I shouldn’t have looked at my phone while driving.”

Olivia sucked in a deep breath through her nose and let it out slowly. “It’s okay,” she replied. “I shouldn’t have handed it to you. I wasn’t thinking.”

A car that had stopped behind them honked, and Chris swore before driving through the intersection.

“Here,” Chris said, handing the phone back to her.

Olivia searched for Noah Kahan, and with a few taps, “Stick Season” started playing through the car speakers.

“Do you want me to reply to Kelce for you?” she asked, hoping the question sounded teasing rather than pained.

Chris cleared his throat. “No. She’s just an old friend.”

Olivia shot him a skeptical look. “Sure,” she drawled. “I also text all my male friends about how much I miss their big co—”

“Alright,” Chris said, cutting her off loudly. “More like friends with benefits.”

“From what I heard from Drew, you have quite a few of those.” Olivia didn’t know why she said it. Why she was bringing up things that made her chest feel tight.

“I used to, yeah,” he admitted with a shrug.

“Used to?”

Chris sighed. “Could we not talk about my sex life?”

“Sorry,” Olivia said, feeling her cheeks warm. “I shouldn’t have pried.”

They sat in uncomfortable silence for a few minutes, and Olivia was considering bringing up the weather just to get out of it when Chris thankfully broke it.

“So besides driving, heights, and sharks, are there any other fears that need facing?”

“Just the usual,” she replied. “Spiders and snakes, obviously. And clowns.”

“Clowns?”

She shuddered. “I never should have watched It .”

Chris chuckled. “So after this, I should look into renting a clown costume?”

Olivia sent a warning glare to the side of his face. “Don’t you dare. I’ll punch you in the face if you get anywhere near me in a clown costume.”

“Good to know,” he said, his tone light with amusement. “We’ll just leave that fear unfaced then.”

“Rock climbing will be plenty enough,” Olivia agreed, but her palms were already sweating at just the thought of what lay ahead.