25

Olivia woke up from a nightmare with a scream lodged in her throat. Her face and leg throbbed as though her brain hadn’t quite figured out that the pain she’d felt in the dream wasn’t real. The ache faded quickly, but the nightmare stayed with Olivia for far longer.

She turned on her bedside light once it became clear she wouldn’t be getting more sleep. The light burned through the darkness of the room and sent a spike of pain through her head. She shut her eyes against the brightness but quickly opened them again when scenes from her nightmare played across her closed eyelids.

It was all your fault. You killed both of them.

Olivia threw her sheets off and strode into the bathroom, sick of hearing those words. They’d wormed themselves so deep into her brain that they even featured in her dreams most nights. They fell from the lips of Drew, of Amy, and of Chris, her subconscious not letting her ignore the facts any longer.

She splashed cold water on her face and gripped the sides of the basin, her tears mingling with the water dripping from her chin. Olivia forced herself to look up into the mirror and saw nothing but accusation in the eyes staring back at her.

It’s your fault. Olivia knew the voice in her head was right, and when she opened the cabinet beneath the basin and put her fingers around the orange bottle of pills, it urged her to do the right thing. That part of her that did nothing but criticize and accuse told her that it was the only way to make it up to everyone she’d hurt. It told her that it was the only way to escape the nightmares.

She started twisting the cap off, momentarily giving into that part of her, but then she thought about Paige. Would Lucas’s widow see this as justice, or would she only see it as Olivia escaping the justice Paige sought? Would the woman want this, or would she see it as true justice being stolen from her?

Olivia wasn’t sure, but she put the bottle of painkillers away and went back to her bedroom. She sat on the edge of her bed and dropped her head into her hands. Her fingers dug into her skull before moving to trace the scar that cut through her eyebrow.

An ugly scar for an ugly monster.

Olivia bit the inside of her lip. She wondered if that’s how everyone saw her now. Did her parents think she was despicable, even if their love for her meant they never said it to her face? Did Noah and Riley hate her even if they’d tried to talk to her? Did Ella regret befriending her even if she’d called Olivia a few times since the video had come out? Did Noah’s mom only call to tell Olivia how disappointed and ashamed she was?

She didn’t know, and she was too scared to find out. It was why Olivia didn’t speak about the accident with her parents, why she’d refused to see Noah and Riley, and why she hadn’t answered Ella and Francesca’s phone calls. She couldn’t face them knowing there was a chance they all hated her now.

Of course they do. How could they not after seeing the video?

Olivia looked down at the scar on her leg. She’d felt grateful when she’d woken up in the hospital. She’d felt so grateful to have survived, but now she wished the paramedics hadn’t gotten to her as quickly as they had. She wished they hadn’t done their job as well as they had.

Olivia wished the bone that had protruded from her leg had done more damage and she’d bled out in that car.