5. ~Sebastian~

Building codes.

The bane of my existence.

That was a bit dramatic. They were definitely challenging me, though, and unfortunately they were a necessity and a big part of the industry I wanted to break into, to becoming an architect at long last.

I’d already wasted away so much time and my last relapse being a major one had cost me a couple of semesters, which I’d worked my ass off for two summers to make up for so I could still graduate this year rather than enduring a whole other one when I was ready to get out there. Ready to become what I’d set out to, something and someone I knew my dad would be proud of.

I took copious notes, my fingers darting rapidly across my keyboard as I listened intently to every word Professor Reese Harding had to say, tips and tricks for understanding and retaining so much detailed information that was the building code, as well as him outlining how it would be presented on the upcoming exam in a couple of months.

Even when class started to let out, I was still finishing up noting down the last few things he’d said, so much so that I didn’t even look up until I heard footsteps nearing me.

Startled, I slapped my hand to my chest when I found Harding right there in my row eyeing me studiously.

He was wearing his usual button down—this time a pale-blue that blended with his stylish navy jeans. He had his brown messenger bag slung over his body and a portfolio folder clasped in his hand. Upon closer inspection, I realized it was mine, the name label I’d stuck on it peeking out from beneath his fingers.

“Sorry, I’m holding up the next class, right?” I said, shutting my laptop and hurriedly stowing it into my bag.

I went to get up, but he held up his hand. “There’s twenty minutes before the start of the next class. You wouldn’t know that, because you’re always rushing off to keep up with your intense back-to-back class schedule.”

He knew about that?

“Actually, after this class, I have to eat before my next one.”

“And study during this break of yours too, correct?”

“Yeah, of course.”

“You’re pushing it hard this year. Last year too, once you got back into the swing of things.”

“It’s fine. I’m handling it.” It all fit within my recovery plan. I’d had to wait a whole year before I could get back to this pace, though. And now I had, I was well into the routine of it all and I wasn’t stopping.

“I know you are. That’s not what I want to talk to you about.”

I frowned.

He opened up my portfolio and flipped through the pages in front of me, until he came to my latest design. “This is incredible. Your skill, your impressive design eye, it’s all top-notch. It stands above the rest. Not just in comparison to other students in this program, but when compared to actual professionals in the field too.”

Wow. That meant a hell of a lot, especially coming from him. He was a visiting guest lecturer, and he was a renowned architect who ran his own firm, Serenity Group. At only in his mid-thirties too.

“Thank you.” I didn’t know what else to say, he’d caught me off guard.

And that went to a whole other level as he said, “When you graduate, call me. You’ll do your required work experience with my firm.”

“You’re serious?”

“Absolutely. You’re talented, dedicated, and your potential is incredible. I’d be honored to take you under my wing.”

“You’ve got it. I’ll do that. Thank you.”

He smiled, then patted my shoulder. “Keep at it, you’re doing phenomenally.” He winked. “We all have our setbacks. It’s what we do following that really matters.” With that, he walked off, heading out of the room.

That had been… a lot.

Offering me that position… it would set me up right after graduation, putting me on a good track to gaining the experience I needed at a really strong firm and under the guidance of somebody as accomplished and as respected in the field as Harding, for me to then earn my license.

And he was also one of the few people who hadn’t judged me after my relapse.

Going by the choice of his words, perhaps he’d gone through something similar. It seemed to be more than objective understanding of my situation and kindness, more personal.

I was smiling as I headed out and navigated my way through the crowded corridors of Luxe.

I passed by the café as I unfortunately had to do every day.

I just never went inside anymore.

I bought my coffee all the way over on the other side of campus just to avoid venturing in there. And I usually brought my own lunch from home too, something that Caspian’s staff prepared for me with Cas wanting to make sure I kept to my healthy lifestyle in every way.

Well, except for those cupcakes a few days ago. We did make an exception every now and then, those things in moderation.

I fought against the need that always crept up on me to peer inside as I passed by the café.

The very café that Sky used to sit in the corner of doing her coursework or sketching away. There were too many key memories of her associated with the place. I just… couldn’t.

I blinked it away, shoving it down before it took me over, and concentrated on making my way across the quad until I reached the picnic table at the far end off to the side of everything else.

I sat down and pulled my lunch out and started digging in, while I grabbed my phone and went over my task list for today.

Everything was in order, on track.

I found myself scrolling to the text from over a week ago.

Ashley: Ashley here. Note to Sebastian: make a date with me. Super chill date, no pressure.

I still hadn’t made that date.

Technically, I had to run it by Caspian first.

With his birthday and then him getting a lock on Caleb, I just hadn’t wanted to add anything onto his plate, so I’d waited to bring it up.

Notifying him was a recovery plan thing. He was my self-appointed sponsor, basically. And embarking on a new relationship, even just a date, was a big deal. It should be fine at this point. But I still wanted to run it by him. Not just because we’d made that agreement for me to be open about things with no more secrets. But, because, honestly, I still didn’t really trust myself when it came to all of that.

It hadn’t exactly gone well the last time around.

In fact, it had spiraled out of control.

I cursed and put my phone away.

As I did, my eyes strayed beyond the golden gates of Luxe and I caught sight of a row of paparazzi in the distance.

I’d been off the radar for a long time, so I didn’t automatically tense assuming they were for me. There were a lot of students here who were on their radar, the children of tycoons, billionaires, celebrities.

Fortunately, as I looked out at them, I didn’t see them focused my way. I’d become too boring over the last while to give them anything of note. It had worked as Caspian had intended, getting them off my back so I could breathe easier.

I just had to keep it that way.

I continued eating, relaxing at that, my gaze straying aimlessly around the fenced-in protection of the grounds.

And then I stilled as something else caught my eye.

Something that most definitely didn’t inspire relaxation.

That shaggy brown hair, that mammoth build, and those eyes similar to mine.

Damien.

He stood there leaning against his Ferrari just out of the eye line of the paparazzi.

And he was looking right back at me.

Watching me.

When he saw me notice him, the corner of his mouth turned up.

He was actually smiling.

I frowned as I noted that it was genuine, nothing nefarious about it.

I saw his eyes dart toward the gates.

Then to his phone in his hand.

I realized it was ringing then, as he swiped it, then put it to his ear.

I saw him arguing, then smashing his fist into a nearby streetlight just after hanging up.

It took him several moments to regain his calm.

And then he looked back out at me, regret all over him, before he turned away and climbed into his car.

He was driving away in the next moment.

What the hell?

I’d known he was back. I’d known for a while now.

Caspian had informed me that he’d been back for the last two months.

He’d also informed me that he’d laid down some heavy-handed threats to make damn sure the bastard kept away from me. He wasn’t to contact me in any way, to interfere in my life at all.

And so far he hadn’t.

This was the first time I’d seen him in over two years since Cas had run him out of town.

Unless he’d been watching me longer and this was just the first time that I’d noticed it.

I wasn’t exactly on guard against that sort of thing anymore. I hadn’t really needed to be with the intense way that Cas had been looking out for me. I guess I’d gotten comfortable with it. Or, maybe, complacent. Letting my guard down. That was usually when Damien showed up. Either then, when I’d let down my defenses, or when I’d found a sliver of happiness that he could swoop in and snatch away.

Was that what was happening now? Had he found out about me being on the cusp of dating again? Did he know about Ashley? Did he somehow know about Professor Harding offering me that position?

I mean, yeah, he was standing at a distance now, but he could’ve used others to get close, he could’ve had eyes on me.

“All the shit that you’ve done and you’re still standing! How many times have you ruined my life? How many times have you come at me? No matter what, you keep coming, keep destroying any good that I manage to find! You won’t stop! You’ll never fucking stop unless I make you!”

I gritted my teeth at the memory of laying into him that day at the Thorn estate.

Rage, pain, and despair had trapped me in its grasp and removing him permanently had seemed like the only solution to a chief source of all of that. Seeking out that relief had transcended everything and the added fuel of that white-hot rage had infected me to the nth degree, making me incredibly dangerous. I’d almost fucking killed him. I’d been ready to. I’d just wanted him gone. Hell, I’d wanted it all gone.

But it hadn’t been the right way to go about it—any of it. Especially ending my brother’s life. I would’ve regretted it for so many reasons. Unlike Cas and Caleb, I’d never actually taken a life. Not even with our work as The Jackals. I’d been Rein, the guy who kept that shit under control. In the heat of the moment, though, and with the nature of that work, it hadn’t always panned out that way. And in some cases, lethal justice had been necessary, but Cas and Caleb had been there to make sure I hadn’t gone that route. Cas, especially, was capable of handling the weight of taking a life. Caleb relished it—too much. But for me it was different. And they had both been worried that, with my addiction issues, killing could become another for me, giving birth to an unhinged and rampaging murderer situation.

Cas had found another way to remove Damien from my life. He’d exiled him and tied my mom’s hands so there’d been nothing she could do about it without losing everything, including Rossun Real Estate, which he’d had a plan in place to utterly decimate if she’d interfered. Cas had set him up at another college far away where he’d continued his Business Management program. And now enough time had gone by, he was back, but immersed in starting up a nightclub he was calling Haywire, that had just opened its doors a couple of weeks ago. Cas had given him a timeout and a focus to take Damien’s attention off me, to kill his obsession with bringing me down and proving he deserved to be the heir apparent to the Thorn estate.

I forced myself to finish my food, but I was no longer enjoying it, going through the motions, rather than savoring it as I’d come to with the special dishes I relished each day.

Seeing Damien again and all the negativity it infected me with, all I could taste was that toxicity.

The urge to swallow it down, to bury it like I used to, was right there.

But I didn’t allow myself to go there.

That had all backfired spectacularly.

I couldn’t shut down anymore.

Fortunately, I did have other outlets now. Much healthier outlets.

All I had to do was get through the remainder of my classes today at Luxe, and then I could see to it.

It was a whirlwind of fists,feet, elbows and shins.

Luke tried to get in a hit, but I was in the zone and I saw it coming, ducking, then coming up with an uppercut that clocked him beneath his jaw and had his head snapping back, him stumbling back.

I went to move in, to do more damage, to take him down like he was used to doing to me with all those well-learned jujitsu moves of his, but he made a time-out gesture, pulling me up short.

“Fine,” I grunted. “Just five minutes, though.”

“Nah, we’re done for today,” he said, stepping off the mats and wiping sweat off his brow with his grappling gloves.

“What? Already?”

“Already? We’ve been going at it for two hours.”

We had? I’d been so immersed in it that time had just flown on by.

I took him in as he ran a hand through his black crew cut, then shook out his black tank that was sticking to his skin with sweat. His red shorts weren’t faring any better. He was double my age, so the fact that he was able to go so hard for so long was a hell of a thing. The guy was all bulk and incredibly defined muscle, a tank of a man, a lot like Caspian. And he was also a highly-accomplished hand-to-hand combatant. I mean, I’d been a competent fighter. I’d had to be in order to carry out our Jackals missions back in the day. But in the last eighteen months, the things he’d taught me had taken me to another level entirely. I was a dangerous fucker armed with all of that, if I needed to be. Which I didn’t. This was about maintaining my physical health and also the focus and discipline that these sessions with him gave me.

He walked around the edge of the mats then grabbed two water bottles from one of the benches. As I followed him over, he tossed one to me, then took a couple of sips of his own. “Everything okay?” he asked. “The intensity coming off you this session was a lot.”

I gulped down some of my water, realizing just how parched I was as soon as it hit my tongue. “Just some stuff I needed to work out of my system.”

“And, did you?”

“I think so. I feel better. Lighter again.”

For the most part.

It was still there, though, just under the surface.

“You should talk to King about it.”

“I will, yeah.” I had to. No more keeping things buried and all that.

He smiled. “Good.” He put his water bottle down and tossed me a towel, while he grabbed his own and dabbed off the sweat slicking his body.

I did the same, wiping off my white tank and black shorts, my face and neck.

“Nice moves today,” he said.

“Thanks. Gave you a run for your money, huh?”

“Almost. You’re getting close.”

“You arrogance knows no bounds, Luke,” Caspian’s voice came from the door to his massive home gym.

We both turned to see him leaning against the frame of one of the open double doors, his arms folded across his chest, looking out at us.

He looked out of place in his own gym currently decked out in a sleek black Armani suit, looking all sophisticated and ever the successful businessman that he was.

Luke chuckled. “Just calling it like it is, King.”

“Yes, well, there’s no denying your talents, my friend.”

Friend. That was an understatement when it came to their relationship. It was a whole lot closer to a father-son dynamic. Luke had even accidentally called him son a few times over the years. He’d also trained Cas in combat to an insane degree, wherein Cas had even surpassed his teacher in Luke. His strategic and tactical know-how also came from Luke’s teachings, him being ex-military and a hell of a leader during that line of work too. It had certainly served Cas well over the years. I mean, he’d always had a natural aptitude for it, a tactician’s mind, but Luke had refined that to another level.

All of that was coming into play more than ever too with the long-term goal Cas and his ally, Dante Mancini, were embarking on to decimate that fucker, Elijah Bane, who I’d found out two years back had been the architect of my dad’s murder and those of Caspian’s parents.

“Give me a moment with Bastian,” Cas told Luke. “Then I need you in my office for a second opinion on a joint OPLAN I’m configuring with Dante.”

“Sure,” Luke said, wrapping his towel around his shoulders, then taking his water bottle with him as he made his way out of the gym. He gave Caspian’s shoulder a squeeze, the two of them exchanging a smile before Luke walked out.

Cas pushed off the wall and made his way over to me as I slumped down on one of the benches.

“I know you saw Damien today.”

I started. “What? How?”

“It was me on the phone with him. I got word that he was right at the edge of his leash, so I called to remind him of the consequences should he break it.”

“He really didn’t take that reminder well.”

“You don’t need to concern yourself with his reactions.”

“Cas.”

“You don’t, Bastian.” He took a seat beside me on the bench. His tone was noticeably softer then as he said, “But I understand that seeing him would’ve unsettled you, so talk to me about it. Is that why you went so hard with today’s session with Luke?”

“It did bring up some stuff, yeah.”

“Anxieties?”

I nodded. “A lot.”

“He won’t come near you. He won’t bother you again or interfere in your life in any way whatsoever.”

“I appreciate what you’ve put in place to keep him at bay. But… he smiled at me, Cas. Smiled. Genuinely. That was the first time in years that I haven’t seen ill will from him. He looked… dejected. Sad, even.”

“He’s a sociopath. It’s not real. And, worse, it’s not real to him. At least not the way that emotions are to us.”

“A sociopath, not a psychopath. He can still feel.”

“Fleetingly so.”

“He’s capable of feeling guilt and regret.”

“Is that what you think? He regrets what he did to you? That he’s sorry?”

I shrugged. “Maybe.”

“He can’t learn from his mistakes, Bastian. It’s a never-ending cycle. His true nature will always win out. That resentment and jealousy toward you is an obsession. There are breaks in it, yes, but it always comes back around in the end to the same thing—him lashing out at you.”

I scrubbed my hand over my face as I took his words in. “Yeah. Yeah, you’re right. I guess his reaction just threw me off.”

“As I’m sure he intended.”

I didn’t completely buy that. I knew my brother, I could tell the difference between what was real and what was put on with him.

But it wasn’t enough and Cas was right, it never would be because of who and what Damien was, and would always be.

“There’s also something else.”

He cocked an eyebrow. “I’m listening.”

And then I told him about Ashley, meeting her at the support group, the text, the up-in-the-air possibility of that date, all of it.

“I see,” he said, once I was done.

Although his response was very brief with absolutely nothing to read into, his body language was a whole other deal.

He’d noticeably tensed up.

He was worried.

“You don’t think I’m ready, do you?”

“You’re doing very well, excelling at Luxe, adhering to your recovery plan. You only have a couple of months before you graduate. And I know Reese offered you a position at Serenity Group.”

“Hold on, was that you? Did you make him do that?”

“No.” He smiled. “That was solely his decision. All your achievement, sweetheart. My intent was to offer you a position in King’s real estate division, which is rapidly expanding, as you’re aware.” He laid his hand on my shoulder. “This is all you and I’m unbelievably proud of you.”

I smiled back at him.

But that faded all too soon as the subtext became apparent to me. “You don’t think I should rock the boat with dating again?”

“I think it’s easier to hate than to hurt.”

Our eyes locked.

His meaning hit home, hit fucking deep.

And I didn’t like it, not one bit.

I pushed off the bench and started shaking my head. “No. It’s not… that’s not… I’m not.” I glared at him. “You seriously think I’m still hung up on Sky? After all this time? I told you many times that I fucking hate her! All right? That’s how it is, all it is! You’re wrong. You’re wrong about this one, Cas.”

He rose to his feet calmly. “Then why this strong reaction, Bastian?”

I stilled. Dammit

“I… don’t know.”

“Then think on it. Don’t push it away anymore. Take some time with it, then come to me and we’ll discuss it further once you’re ready.”

All I could do was nod.

“Freshen up, then I’ll see you at dinner in half an hour after I’m done with Luke.”

“Yeah, okay, good.”

As he headed on out, I called out, “Are you, Cas?”

He stopped and asked over his shoulder, “Am I what?”

“Still hung up on her?”

Time ticked on by as he just stood there.

And then he turned his head and eyed me over his shoulder, his pain seeping into me, as he said, “I don’t usually concern myself with what could have been. I move forward, I have to. But in this case, her, the four of us… yes, it’s stayed with me.”

He smiled sadly, then walked out.

I slumped down on the bench and pinched the bridge of my nose.

“You can’t do this. You were all in. You’re part of this now, of us. You can’t just walk away.”

I’d been trying to cast out regret and move forward, just like Caspian was so good at doing.

But every now and then the raw truth seeped back in.

It’s stayed with me too, brother.