25

“Is this really necessary?” he groans as we enter the shopping mall.

Gripping his hand, I lead him quickly to the main office where they’re expecting us.

“Chris, you’ve had virtually no exposure to children. You need to learn all about them if you’re going to be Santa.”

“Surely they can’t be all that different…”

I pull him to a halt outside the office door.

“Chris, contrary to your perception, they are not ‘little people.’ They’re special. Their tiny brains process things completely differently to adults and they have specific things they expect from the Christmas experience.”

“Surely the elves need to know that? Doesn’t Santa just supervise what they build?”

“The role of Santa is much more than that,” I sigh as we head towards the office door. “He’s a magical, jovial man who spreads joy and hope. He’s you. That’s exactly what you do.”

“This can’t be happening,” he groans.

“Look, if you do this, and do it well,” I smirk at him, “there’s some mistletoe to hang when we get home… I’m sure I won’t be able to do it by myself. It’ll require a handyman’s expertise….”

“You’re exploiting my weakness, knowing I’m not above a little sexual bribery.”

“I said mistletoe,” I grin, “nothing at all about sex.”

“I extrapolated,” he growls into my ear.

I shiver, a retort on the tip of my tongue, but our playful interchange is interrupted as we enter the room.

“You’re late,” the centre manager frowns. “The costume is here,” he shoves it towards Chris. “The change room is through there.” He points to another door.

I nod and indicate to Chris to follow.

When we get to the changing room he turns to me, frowning.

“You want me to wear that?”

“Get used to it, buddy. I told you, the centre had a cancellation at the last minute, which is amazing for us. You can dress as Santa and start learning your role.”

“Fucking hell,” he groans, holding up the costume and studying the stuffing for his stomach. “Is this truly what I’m to become? A fat, bearded man living alone in the North Pole with nothing for company but some elves and reindeer?”

“I’m sure there’s more to it than that,” I murmur. “You wouldn’t have been given a job you couldn’t enjoy or wouldn’t do well at, surely?”

“Tell that to every employee you’ve ever known,” he groans.

“Still,” I give him a firm look, “you need the practice.”

Taking the Santa uniform from him I signal to him to undress and help zip him into the huge suit.

Standing back and checking him out, I grin.

“You’re a sexy Santa, if that’s any consolation.”

“It’s not.”

“You know, traditionally Santa has two gorgeous elf helpers who offer him blowjobs in between his shows.”

“Bullshit,” he laughs. “Although if you’re offering…”

“Sadly, I’m not an elf,” I say with mock sadness, “but maybe they’ll let us borrow the suit, and I’ll make one of your Christmas wishes come true later.”

He laughs and pulls on his beard, and I lean forward to kiss him on the nose.

“OK, let’s go give Santa a crash course in kids.”

He nods and follows me out, but stops suddenly when he sees the huge line of parents and children snaked impatiently through the plaza.

“Ah, what exactly am I doing?”

“They’re lining up to sit on Santa’s knee to tell him what they want for Christmas. You ask their names, listen, have your photograph with them, and they go on their way.”

“But there’s only three days until Christmas. And I’m not really Santa. How do their wishes come true?”

“That’s where you make up some things. For instance, if someone wanted a pony you might say that ponies were a bit fast for you to catch at this time of year, but that something good would surely be waiting under the tree, if they’ve been good all year.”

“I lie to them?”

“You try not to make promises you can’t keep, while at the same time trying not to destroy their dreams.”

“Jesus,” he groans.

I laugh and lead him to his big red and white velvet chair.