12. Chapter Twelve

Chapter Twelve

Chase

T wo days later, I frowned as my phone beeped. I grabbed it, reading the text from my brother about the fence that we were supposed to repair and didn’t get around to.

“Shit,” I muttered, looking up at the salesclerk. So much for trying to get in my last-minute gift shopping. “Mary, I gotta run. Any way you can hold on to this for the next few hours, or maybe till tomorrow? I’ll be back. It’s my mom’s Christmas gifts.”

“Sure thing, Chase. I’ll just keep in the back room in case you come when I’m not here.”

“Thanks.” I gave her a smile and then ran out to my truck, hauling ass to get back to the house.

Two hours later, I was saddled up on a horse and heading to the fence line, cursing myself for not doing when I should have. I couldn’t blame this on anyone but me, either.

“There he is.” I jumped off the horse, tied it to a post a few feet down, and frowned at Bo.

“I was shopping.”

“That last minute crap,” he grumbled, and I shrugged. I’ve been this way for years. Wasn’t going to stop now, that’s for damn sure.

“It’s for my mom and she’s one of the hardest people to shop for on my list.” I shrugged as if it was no big thing. And given that this was Bo I was talking to who’s been my friend since the eighth grade, well, he knew better. “Let’s get on this, huh?”

“You knew about this, didn’t you?”

I let out a deep breath, knowing he would only call me out on my bullshit if I lied. He was that kind of friend, and honestly, I was grateful to have him in my life, but sometimes, he saw and knew far too much.

“I did.”

“And you didn’t do anything?”

“What do you want me to say, Bo? I got distracted and I let it slip. I ordered the stuff I was told to get and let it go. I didn’t mean to, and you know I’m not like this.”

“No, you aren’t, Chase. This place is your bloodline, things like this don’t happen. So, what has you so scatterbrained that you would forget this?” He paused for a second and then looked at me. “Wait, does this have anything to do with the date I tried taking Belinda on?”

“Let’s be honest, that wasn’t going to go anywhere.”

“Dude, it’s fucked up you even came. And you don’t know that! We could have hit it off?”

I stopped cutting the wire on the fence and lifted a brow at the man.

“Yeah, let’s go with the fact that kissing her probably felt like kissing your sister, right?”

He visibly shivered and deep down, I wanted to jump with pure happiness. I mean, it was wrong, I hated the thought of his lips anywhere near hers, but I knew how close they were. He might have liked her in high school, I might have turned a blind eye to that, but I knew what it would be like now.

“Don’t remind me. She’s got the softest lips, but if there was ever a kiss that did nothing for me no matter how much I hoped, especially with a good kisser, it was that one. So, yes, we parted ways and left it at friends. Besides, we both weren’t into playing the game of pretending. We were well aware I wasn’t what she wanted.”

I was happy they both came to that conclusion, but I was also torn.

“Talk to me, Chase.”

“What’s to talk about, Bo?”

“What’s been going on with you in the last forty-eight hours? It’s not like you to slack off at work. And it’s such as hell not like you to be this pensive.”

I licked my lips, grunting against the next cold front coming in. The wind was picking up, the clouds were gathering, and it wouldn’t surprise me if by tomorrow, we had more snow on the ground. Which was why getting this fence done was the most important thing. Not trying to figure out my feelings.

“Things have happened.”

“Yeah, I gathered as much.”

I yanked on the wire, pulling pieces together as Bo clipped the ends. Finally, I stopped and turned to him.

“I slept with her.”

“No shit? How was it?”

“Better than it was ten years ago, man. No one understood the love her and I had back then. No one understood our connection. When she left, it wasn’t just like she walked away. It wasn’t like she just turned her back.

“She literally took my heart with her and didn’t think twice about it. I would have gone to hell and back for her if she asked me to. I would have fought all her demons and helped her in any way I could have.

“So when she told me she was leaving, that she had to leave, I didn’t know how to take that. I didn’t know how to fight for this when I didn’t know what I was fighting. For the first time in years, she shut me out and I didn’t know how to take that.

“Quite frankly, I still don’t know how to take it because she still won’t open up about what happened then. However, I know that now, she still has my heart. I never got it back. I don’t even know if I want it back anymore. But I can’t love her, man. Loving her, being with her, it’s all impossible.”

“Chase, you might think we don’t understand what was going on, but we do. Tell me this, though, why is it impossible now? Why wouldn’t you fight for her now?”

“When we were young, I never thought she would have walked away. I thought it was her and I against the world, forever. She showed me that it wasn’t. She showed me that solo was the best way to go.

“I can’t help but wonder if she wouldn’t do it now. Belinda is a proud woman who doesn’t need anyone. Given that simple fact, who’s to say that she won’t hop on a train and leave again?”

“Who’s to say that she won’t just settle down right here with some other cowboy who could love her better than you ever did? I told you ten years ago that living your life on ‘what if’s’ was never something you should do. I told you to chase that woman, to have her help you understand where her mind was at.

“Instead, you stayed here, wallowing. And there’s nothing wrong with that. But you loved her then, and you love her now. I just don’t think I can stand a second time of you being as depressed as you were.”

“How can you be so sure she’s changed? That she would remain here?”

His brows came together in confusion, and it was then I had my answer. She had told him what she couldn’t tell me. Why? I knew I couldn’t demand him to tell me. He wouldn’t break her confidence like that anyway. But that didn’t mean I had to like it.

“Really? She told you?”

“You know it, I don’t have to answer it. She will tell you when it’s right. But I’m also telling you Chase, stop being scared. You were then too and look at where it got you. Don’t be afraid to jump off that ledge and into the arms of the very woman you love.”

He walked a little further away, letting me chew on that bit of advice.

I wanted to deny all I could about loving that woman. And maybe I was getting my heart and mind on the same page.

If you repeat it enough, it becomes true, right?

So, I can tell my heart that Belinda Carmichael is not the woman to love, and it’s true.

Yeah, I wasn’t buying that either. But nonetheless, I refused to be back in the same position as that night. I refuse to give her everything and get nothing back.

If that means that I have to lie to myself over and over, I will until I believe it. Because otherwise, I’m opening up myself to a world of pain that I’m just not sure I could survive a second time.