39. Zoe

39

ZOE

I was barely holding it together as I took my first sip of coffee from my NURSE Because Badass Multi-Tasking Life Saver Isn't An Official Job Title mug that Nadia got me for Christmas last year. The hot, energy-filled liquid was running down my throat as I set the ceramic novelty gift on the counter, and the dryer beeped, indicating the cycle was done. When I heard the noise, my shoulders dropped, and frustration in the form of liquid tears pooled in my lower lids. I would never have guessed how much of my life would be spent doing laundry. It was only me, Walter, and AJ, but I swear I was always either washing, drying, or folding laundry. Between towels, sheets, scrubs, AJ's sports attire, sweats, pajamas, and all of our regular clothes, it was nonstop.

When I started to turn to go to the mudroom, something caught my eye. It was the calendar. I went to grab the pen and realized I hadn't marked it in… I started counting back and saw that it had been over three weeks since I'd put an X and counted the days in my head since I'd lost Austin.

How could I do that?

How could that happen?

I knew how.

I'd been distracted.

My chest tightened in panic as the tears of frustration that had formed in my eyes spilled down my face. I wiped them away, rushed into the laundry room, emptied the dryer into a basket, and then walked to the kitchen table and turned it over. Clean clothes tumbled out on the flat surface.

It had been a month since Miles and the film crew packed up and left Firefly. I'd expected everything to go back to normal. I thought out of sight, out of mind. It turned out I was wrong. My experience had gone the way of absence making the heart grow fonder. What I thought was just a physical attraction turned out to be real feelings. What I self-diagnosed as a projection of my feelings for Austin onto Miles was not that at all.

Sometime over the past few months, I'd fallen in love with Miles Ford.

I was doing my best to forget him, but everywhere I looked, I saw him. I felt like Hugh Grant in Notting Hill when he was trying to get over Julia Roberts' character. Miles's movie Long Way Home came out two weeks ago. There was a huge billboard of his face on my drive going to and from work. There were posters of it in the hospital parking structure, and all the patients and hospital staff had seen the movie, and it was the number one topic of conversation.

AJ saw it twice. Once with his friends and once just with Kendall. He would not shut up about it. Even Walter had gone on a double date to a matinee with Anna May Birch and Harlan's grandfather and Mrs. B, who ran the Boarding House. It was the only movie playing at the Drive-In Movie Theater. I was probably the only person in Firefly that hadn't seen it.

I couldn't. I missed Miles too much. So much it hurt. I was in actual physical pain. I had flu-like symptoms. There had been several times I'd taken my temperature just to be on the safe side. I'd even run a blood panel at work to make sure I wasn't actually ill. All the results came back fine. I was just heartbroken because I was an idiot.

Miles said all the right things. He'd told me he loved me. He loved AJ. He loved Walter. All he'd asked for was time. I told him no and that I was confused. I told him I didn't know if I loved him, and now it was too late. I'd seen him at the movie premiere with Shelby Denison. She was a UK pop star who was breaking into movies. More tears began to fall down my cheeks.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Walter hobbling down the hallway using the wall for stability, and I quickly sniffed back my emotion and wiped my cheeks. This was the only time I was grateful that he wasn't as spritely as he used to be, so I had time to pull myself together.

I kept my head down and picked up a T-shirt, hoping I could keep it together until he made his way past me to the front room, where he would sit in his La-Z-Boy and watch Wheel of Fortune. That hope faded when I heard the legs of a chair scrape along the floor as it was pulled out.

"Well, now, what have these clothes done that has got you so upset? Do I need to have a word with them?" he teased as he picked one up and wagged his finger at it.

"No." I chuckled as I wiped the back of my hand beneath my nose.

"Alright, now, young lady, I've been doin' my best to keep myself to myself and let you have your space, but the fact is, you've been bluer than blue for a month of Sundays. Was it the movie? Did it bring up too much? Should we have said no?"

I shook my head as guilt washed over me.

"Is it somethin' at work? Did a patient die? Is it that Mrs. Beaumont? I know how fond you are of her."

Another wave of guilt washed over me. Walter really listened. He loved me, and how did I repay him? I cheated on his grandson. Sort of. I shook my head again.

I forced myself to smile. "No. Mrs. Beaumont is fine."

"Is it the girls? Is something wrong with Nadia, Ashley?"

"No." I took in a shaky breath.

"Is it AJ? Did he get himself into some online trouble or drugs or somethin'?"

"No, no, nothing like that."

"Well, darlin', you're gonna have to help an old man out ‘cause I'm plumb out of ideas."

Suddenly, I felt heavy. My limbs felt like they were dipped in cement. I don't know if it was the guilt that I'd been carrying around. Not guilt that I'd hooked up with Miles, guilt that I'd developed real feelings for him. I'd fallen in love with Miles.

I lowered down into the chair. "It's Miles."

"Miles?" Walter questioned.

"I sort of, um, we…were together when he was here."

It took Walter a second before he realized what I was trying to say tactfully. Once he got it, a smile pulled on his mouth. "Was he the one who sent the flowers?"

"Yes." I nodded.

"Oh, oh…well, that's good…I mean…that's great! Good for you two!" He beamed, but his expression shifted as he continued looking at me, and it dawned on him how upset I was. "Oh, so it's not good. Did that man make promises to you?! Did he break your heart?" He started to push up out of his chair. "Do I need to go?—"

"No, no, no!" I quickly cut him off. With each word he spoke, he got louder and angrier. It actually felt nice that he was getting upset on my behalf and was ready to defend my honor. "Miles said he loved me. When the movie wrapped, he said he was in love with me. He said he loves AJ, and he said he loves you. He wanted to move here and be with me. To be with us. He wanted to help me raise AJ. He said he knew I would need time, and that was all he was asking for. Just time. He just wanted to be in my life. But I told him that I was confused, and I didn't know if I loved him. I told him he'd get bored and that we were from different worlds, and we'd never work."

The silence that hung in the air was heavy, and I wondered if Walter was disappointed in me. We'd never talked about me dating again. He'd asked me about a few guys who he thought were interested in me, or as he put it, ‘sniffin' around' but I'd told him that I wasn't ready, because I wasn't. I had school, and I was raising AJ. Then I had to get used to the job and the shifts and still raising AJ. Every phase of his life came with new challenges.

Although, I had to admit, even to myself, if there was any time that I would be ready, it was now. AJ had his own friends, schedule, and life. But still, there was something holding me back. Or maybe it was something I was still holding onto.

I felt like I was betraying Austin. And betraying Walter.

"Honey, I know you love Austin, and you will always love Austin. Nothin's ever gonna change that. But do you really think he would want you sittin' around alone, missin' him, when you could have love again? Is that the man you think he was?"

"No. I'm not saying that. I'm just…if I do this. If I'm with someone else, then that means that he's… It means Austin is…"

"Gone," Walter said the word I couldn't say. "Honey, he is gone . Austin's not coming back. But he will always be with you. He'll always be with AJ. And he'll always be with me. You know, I think that part of what's holdin' you back is that what you and Austin had was a family, and you never had that before. Not in the way you needed. And you feel like if you move on, you're betraying him in some way. But that's not true. You still have a family. I'm your family. You're my girl.

"You know, I think Miles and this movie—all of it happened just the way that it was supposed to happen. Just last year, the funding fell through, and they said the movie wasn't gonna happen. Then outta nowhere, Miles shows up, sayin' he bought the rights, and he's only gonna make the movie, if you're okay with it. And then it turns out he's dyslexic, to boot. He talks to AJ, and now AJ thinks he has a superpower. Instead of bein' embarrassed, he's proud of being different. I think all of that—losin' the financing, Miles gettin' the rights—I think that was Austin . I think he sent that boy here for you. For you, and for AJ."

"You do?"

"I do, Honey. And I think the best thing you can do if you really want to honor Austin, honor his memory, honor what you two had, is show your son what a loving, happy, healthy relationship looks like. That's what Austin would want. He wouldn't want you doin' this all alone. He never wanted that. He promised you that you would never be alone, and I think he's keepin' his promise."

More tears fell down my face.

He stood and held his arms out. I stood up and fell into his embrace. "Thank you, Walter."

"Nothin' to thank me for, Honey. That's what I'm here for, cause you're my girl." He patted my back, and more tears fell down my face. "You were always my girl, and you'll always be my girl."

I knew that no matter what happened with Miles, I would be okay. I had a family. It might not be the one I was born into, but Walter was my family. I was his girl.

"So…" He lowered his arms and looked at me expectantly.

"What?" I asked as I wiped my cheeks and sniffed.

"You gonna call him or what?"

"Call Miles?"

"Yes, ma'am. You need to tell that boy you made a mistake."

"What? Now?"

"Well…" He started walking back down the hallway to his room. "I figure if somethin' needs doin', the best time to do it is now."

I stared at his retreating back and then looked down at my phone. As I picked it up, I saw my hands were shaking. I scrolled through my contacts to find his name. I took a deep breath and thought of what to say. Maybe, Hey, remember when I said I didn't know if I loved you? Well…I was wrong. I do. I'm sorry.

It wasn't exactly Shakespeare, but it was a start. Maybe that's all I needed—just a new start.