35. Zoe

35

ZOE

To say you could cut the tension at the table with a knife was an understatement. Tonight was the first time AJ and I had been back for Sunday dinner since our abrupt exit. I would have been more than happy to never darken the door of this house again, but AJ wasn't ready to sever ties, so here we were.

I assumed I would have had to eat crow and grovel as I apologized to my mother before we were welcomed back at this table, but to my eternal surprise, I'd received my monthly reminder text as per usual, and we'd shown up because AJ wanted to come.

"I was in the movie last week," AJ said, breaking the very loud silence in the room.

"Oh, was that last week?" My mother pretended as if she had no clue that there had been any filming going on in Firefly. Everyone in town knew it was happening. That was all everyone was talking about. There were production vans and street closures. The island was not that big.

"Yeah. It was so fun! Shania and Miles said that I did a really good job!"

I held my breath, sure that he was going to get a lecture on pride and vanity.

"I'm sure you did."

"Oh, and I have a girlfriend."

I froze, waiting to hear my mother spew her wrath that AJ was too young to be in a relationship and that I was a horrible mother. That AJ was going to end up just like me, a sinner condemned to hell.

But all she said was, "And who is the lucky girl?"

"Kendall. She was in the movie with me."

"Oh, how nice. That's lovely, dear."

I did a double take, wondering if aliens had come to Earth and inhabited my mother's body. Surely, this was not the woman who raised me. First, she'd let him get away with saying that he'd done a good job. Nothing. He'd admitted to having a girlfriend. No response. And was I hearing things, or had she just called my son ‘dear'? Had she said that something was ‘nice'?

Her placid stare left my son, and when it crossed the table to me, it turned icy. I braced myself. Here it came.

"What about you, Zoe? When is someone going to make an honest woman out of you?"

I looked down at my food and inhaled slowly through my nose, doing my level best to ignore her offensive remark. She could say whatever she wanted to me. I was here for AJ. This was not about me.

"Zoe, I asked you a question." Out of the corner of my eye, I watched with bated breath as she set her fork down, removed her napkin from her lap, tapped the corners of her mouth, replaced her napkin, and straightened her shoulders. "You have dragged this whole charade out long enough."

In an attempt to keep this conversation non-confrontational, I continued to stare down at my plate. "Dragged what charade out, exactly?"

"Don't take a tone with me, young lady. I'm merely saying to your face what everyone in your life is thinking. You have played your widow card. We all get it. Your husband died. Everyone felt sorry for poor Zoe. Don't you think it's time to get over it and move on? You have a son to raise. Don't you think you owe it to him to raise him in a proper family?"

I lifted my gaze back to her. Back to the woman who had given birth to me. The woman who was supposed to support me and love me unconditionally but who had thrown me out of her home when I was sixteen after she found out I was pregnant. The woman who didn't even come to my husband's funeral or check on me to make sure I was okay when I became a single mom and widow at eighteen. The woman who didn't even acknowledge my son until he was five years old.

My entire body vibrated with anger. "AJ, go wait for me in the car."

AJ's eyes bounced between my mother's and mine.

"AJ, go get my keys and wait in the car," I stated slowly and calmly. "Now."

He rose from his seat and went back to the room. A few seconds later, he walked past the dining room with my car keys and out the front door. I waited a few moments to make sure he was out of earshot.

"Zoe, do not be dramatic." My mother sighed. "All I'm saying is?—"

"No, you asked me a question, and I am going to answer it."

"Zoe, I just meant?—"

"MaryBeth, be quiet," my father snapped. "Your daughter is speaking."

I'd have to check for a bruise on my jaw tomorrow from how hard it hit the floor. My father had never stood up for me. In our house, what my mother said was law. He'd never once taken my side. At some point, I would thank him for finally having my back, but right now, I had some things to say to my mother, and she was going to hear them.

I set my knife and fork down on the table, took a deep breath, and turned to look my mother straight in the eye. "You asked me when I'm going to get over it . I'm assuming you mean Austin. That's a question only someone who has never lost someone they love would ask because the answer is never. I will never get over him. Do you want to know why?

"The reason I'll never get over him is because I didn't just lose him ten years ago. I lose him every day. I lose him every morning when I wake up, and for just a second, just one second, I forget he's gone, but then I remember, and all the pain that I felt the moment I learned he was gone and I would never see him again comes flooding back into my body.

"I lose him every birthday I can't celebrate with him. Every holiday he's not here with us. Every Friday night I'm curled up on the couch watching TV, and he's not beside me. I lose him every time a show that we used to watch together comes out with a new season, and he's not here to watch it with me. I lose him on bad days when I just really need a hug, and his arms aren't there to hold me and tell me everything is going to be okay, even if he has no idea how it will be. I lose him when good things happen, and I want to celebrate, and his arms aren't there to pick me up, spin me around, kiss me, and tell me that he's proud of me and that he loves me.

"I lose him every time AJ has a milestone. They don't even have to be big things. Losing a tooth. Getting an A on a test or liking a girl for the first time. I lose him every time I have to make any decision for our son without him. What tutor AJ should have. When AJ gets in trouble, if I should ground him or take his phone away. If I should increase his allowance or let him stay up half an hour later.

"I lose him a thousand different ways, and I will keep losing him as long as I am on this earth and he's not. So, to answer your question, I will never get over Austin. But thank you for all the support you've given me over the years. Oh no, wait. That wasn't you. That was Austin's grandfather, Walter. Walter supported me. He supported AJ. Not you. So, you do not get to have an opinion on when I will get over Austin because you never even knew him.

"And as far as giving my son a proper family, he has one. He has a home with me and with Walter. Walter has loved me and welcomed me into his heart and home. He never judged me. He never made me feel like a burden or less than for anything I have ever done. He has only ever made me feel loved, cared for, and protected. And he loves AJ. He loves him like he's his own. He's been to his baseball games, recitals, and back-to-school-nights. He taught AJ how to fish and how to ride a bike. When AJ had to be rushed to the hospital with strep throat, Walter was there. When Austin was deployed, and I was still in high school and had finals and couldn't get AJ to sleep, it was Walter who made me go to bed and stayed up walking with AJ all night when he was colicky. Walter. Not you. Not my mother. Walter is my family, not you .

"And you are lucky, really lucky , that you have the privilege of knowing AJ. And the only reason that you do is because AJ has a sweet, sweet heart, and he doesn't know how cruel and mean and black your heart is. So, my suggestion to you is that you figure out how to be a much better person, or you will know what it is like to lose someone you love. If you are even capable of love."

My entire body was shaking as I stood up, walked back to the room where my coat and purse were, grabbed them, and then walked out the front door without sparing my parents a second glance.

As I walked to the car, I sort of thought that lightning was going to strike me, or the world was going to explode. I'd just told my mother she was cruel and mean and had a black heart. I'd never spoken to my mother like that before, and I realized I had an indoctrinated fear that something catastrophic would happen if I did. But as I looked around, the sun was still shining, the birds were still chirping, and life seemed to be going on as usual. I was a little out of breath, and I had a lot of adrenaline rushing through me, but other than that, nothing seismic seemed to have shifted.

When I got in the car, I looked over at AJ, just to ground myself, and I saw that he had tears in his eyes.

"What's wrong?" I asked him.

In a very uncharacteristic move, he threw his arms around me, hugging me tightly. "I'm so sorry."

"What?! What for?! What's wrong?!" I asked him again, now even more panicked that something really bad had happened.

Had he driven my car in the five minutes I was in with my parents? Had he run over a dog or a small child? Was that my karma for speaking to my mother like that?

"I never thought about those things you said." He sniffed. "About you losing dad. I'm sorry."

"You heard that?" My stomach sank like a brick in a fish tank at the realization he'd overheard me. "I'm so sorry. I never would have said those things if I knew you were listening. I told you to wait in the car."

"I know." He leaned back in his seat and wiped his cheeks. "But I thought you were finally going to tell Grandma off, and I wanted to hear it. I just…I never thought about you missing Dad. You don't really talk about him like that and…I just…I guess I just don't think about you like that 'cause you're just…my mom." He looked up at me. "But I'm really proud of you for saying those things to Grandma, and I know Dad would be proud of you, too."

More tears filled my eyes.

Was Austin proud of me?

If he was, would he still be if he knew the truth?

Because the person I really wanted to see right now…the person I really wanted to talk to, to tell about what I'd just done—was Miles…