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Chapter Fourteen

December 5, 1812

The carriage rocked along the roads—but slowly. Frederick had given the order that the horses were not to be pushed, and thankfully, both drivers had taken him at his word.

They had also taken the crowns he had pressed hurriedly into their hands, requesting their silence and their acquiesces.

And it wasn’t as though he had requested anything so terrible. Just a slower journey back to London. Just to dawdle at every turn, to not push the horses too hard when they were on the road, to slow whenever possible, and to give him as much time on the journey as could be managed.

“I often forget how far London is from everywhere else,” said Edie quietly, glancing out of the window.

Frederick’s smile was as natural as he could make it. Goodness, he’d gone soft. “Yes, it often surprises me.”

She was pressed against him in the carriage, something Frederick was delighted with. He had offered to sit facing backward, but she had made such a song and dance of him potentially becoming seasick—all under the beady eye of Mrs. Teagan—that Frederick had been unable to overcome her objections.

And what a delight it was. Edie’s hip pressed into hers, the warmth of her body pouring through her gown and pelisse, through his greatcoat, coat, waistcoat, and shirt.

If he weren’t careful, he was sure to combust.

Edie shifted in the carriage and Frederick’s stomach lurched. It prompted him to do something without invitation, but the movement was swiftly welcomed.

He took Edie’s hand in his.

They had both discarded their gloves the instant they had clambered into the carriage. Not because it was overly heated, but because…

Frederick did not know Edie’s reasons for it, but he knew his own. Any opportunity he could have for touching her, feeling her skin beneath his own, claiming the closeness that would have to stop when they reached London—it was worth slightly chilly hands.

She squeezed his fingers, then pulled his hand into her lap.

They hadn’t enjoyed this closeness the entire rest of his guests’ stay. They had conversed, yes, and walked along the grounds, but they hadn’t been alone. Mrs. Teagan had been more careful last night to accompany Edie to the guest room assigned to her, and though Frederick had meant to knock a few hours later, he had fallen asleep, dreams of Edie still floating in his mind.

Frederick swallowed hard as memories from the other night floated into his mind.

“You are everything, Edie. Everything.”

“You’re everything, Frederick. It’s not me, it’s—”

In a way, the whole encounter was like a delicious dream. It did not seem possible, could not be real, that he and Edie had shared one of the most intimate things a person could ever experience.

Three times.

It was a wonder, really, that they had managed to stay awake all the next morning…

“You’re very quiet.”

Frederick blinked. Edie was examining him with a wry expression, one he now knew well. One that he wanted to see every day of his—

But he couldn’t permit those sort of nonsensical thoughts to overcome him. He wasn’t about to admit just how deeply the other night had touched his soul, was he? No, that was for green-gilled fools of twenty who had just entered Society.

Not men like himself.

“I just can’t—” He didn’t manage to catch himself in time, and he burned with the indignity of letting his tongue wag.

“Can’t what?”

Frederick hesitated, then permitted himself another hint of honesty. Well, it was hardly going to hurt him, was it? “Can’t believe how happy I am.”

For a moment, a painful moment, he thought he had gone too far. Exposed himself too readily, made himself ridiculous in the eyes of the woman whose opinion truly mattered.

Then there was another squeeze of his hand. “Neither can I.”

They slipped into companionable silence as the road—slowly—eked out before them.

That was another thing that was so unusual about Edie. Frederick had never known it before—the ability to sit silently and for there to be no awkwardness whatsoever. He had never encountered such a quality, yet here it was.

“God, you feel—”

“Don’t tell me. Show me.”

Frederick swallowed. They had been careful. Using a preventative had been an excellent idea and would preclude anyone from ever being any the wiser. Miss Edith Stewart’s reputation was maintained, and no one could impugn his honor.

Still, his eyes slipped over the elegant face down the buttoned-up pelisse to the soft swell of Edie’s stomach.

A stomach where, but for a single change of decision the other night, there could have been a growing child.

Sadness mingled with the relief. They had made the right decision, he was absolutely certain. But still. It did not prevent the mind from wondering. Imagining what the world could be. Wondering what could have been…

And unbidden, though not entirely, an image burst through Frederick’s unsuspecting mind. An image of a child. His hazel eyes, hair just like Edie’s, a quizzical expression as he peered at a newspaper, trying to make out the letters. They were seated around a fire—the fireplace at Wickacre Hall. Edie had a babe in her arms, and—

Frederick cleared his throat.

“Did you say something?” asked Edie quietly.

“No,” he said, perhaps a little too hurriedly.

It took longer than he had expected for the image to fade. His mind had enjoyed the picture too much. A small Chance, partly himself, partly Edie. Her laughter and wit with his solid dependability and sense of honor.

Not a half Chance, brought into a family where he could not be loved as he ought. A full Chance, a boy who could grow up in a home where he knew he was loved. Wanted.

Frederick’s eyes glistened, but he managed to control himself. He was not about to start crying in a carriage about a child who did not exist!

“You are very quiet.”

He cleared his throat again. Perhaps some light conversation would do him good. Distract him from nonsense.

“I suppose I am,” Frederick said lightly. “I suppose there is no need to be, with Mrs. Teagan in the other carriage.”

Edie’s eyes glittered. “Yes, I wondered about that.”

“The woman’s megrim is something terrible. I thought the other carriage had a smoother ride, would aid in her recovery,” Frederick protested—perhaps too quickly. “I know she asked your maid to sit with us in her stead, but as we were all concerned about Mrs. Teagan’s health…”

“Yes, stopping the carriage after just ten minutes and sending Evans back to the other one to ‘check’ on my chaperone. Who must have been—must still be—sleeping.” There was a knowing look in his companion’s expression as the carriage jolted to the left. “I am sure my maid appreciates not having to sit facing backward. Still. It is rather convenient.”

Try as he might, he could not raise an imperious eyebrow like his brother William. Still, Frederick tried. “I have no idea what you—”

“I think you do,” said Edie softly, leaning forward and pressing a kiss on his cheek.

It was a simple gesture. Frederick was almost certain grandmothers would do such a thing for their grandchildren, though never having met any of his grandparents, he was not sure.

It was not a grandmotherly kiss that the lithe, young woman pressed against him in the carriage placed on his cheek. It spoke of hunger and desire and need and—

Frederick hastily crossed his legs. Damn and blast it! “Well, I will admit the decision to hire two carriages was not entirely selfless.”

Edie’s giggle filled their own carriage. “And what you mean by that is that you designed the whole visit to your country home merely to give us the opportunity to lie together, didn’t you? That was the purpose for your concoction!”

Lie together. As a man and a woman, as one.

There was no other way to describe it. When Frederick had awoken that morning, sprawled out completely naked in his bed with, to his delight, the naked form of Edie curled up in his arms, he had known from that moment.

This wasn’t just bed sport, though it offered greater delights and gratification than any bed sport he had ever engaged in.

No, this was most definitely deeper than that. There was an intimacy in the way they had dressed each other silently that morning, in the way he had helped Edie creep back to her room so her maid could find her in the bed she was supposed to be in.

They’d shared something more.

Still. That did not mean aspersions could be cast against his character.

“I will have you know there were no expectations of you lying in bed with me, or any other such thing,” Frederick said aloud as haughtily as he could.

Edie was not convinced. The slight frown across her forehead did not diminish her beauty, but rather highlighted her delightful character.

His shoulders slumped, just a few inches. “Well, to tell the complete truth—”

“Aha!”

“—I did not design the visit for that sole purpose, absolutely not,” Frederick continued, his fingers tightening around Edie’s fingers as his breeches grew tighter in turn. “But I will admit, I am delighted it ended up that way. It was… It was perfect. You are—”

It was perhaps a good thing he was unable to finish his sentence. Lord knew, if his tongue had continued speaking, he may have done something disgraceful.

Like admit his love for Edie Stewart.

As it was, she forestalled his confession. Moving swiftly forward and giving no heed to the cramped conditions of the carriage, Edie kissed him hard on the mouth, her lips parting almost immediately, coaxing him in deeper.

Frederick needed no further invitation. His free hand moved across Edie to the window, penning her in and forcing her to move closer into his embrace. His tongue slowly slid across her lips, teasing her and leaving both of them breathless until he finally gave into the desires of his heart and plunged into her mouth.

Oh, it was heaven. He knew he would never cease to find sweet release in these perfect lips, this willing mouth. The achingly sweet core of her was surely throbbing, and Frederick was just about to test that theory by slipping a hand under her skirts to find her secret place when Edie pulled away.

“We… We have to stop,” she said, panting.

Frederick halted his movements, but he did not return to his side of the carriage. “Why the devil do we have to—”

“If we don’t, we’ll end up lying together in this carriage,” Edie said softly with desire-filled eyes.

It was all he could do not to take her at her word and start unbuttoning his breeches. “Don’t tempt me.”

The words came out as more of a growl than a sentence, but she apparently understood his meaning. Pink tinged Edie’s cheeks and her mouth became an ‘O’ of shook—two consequences that made her all the more kissable.

Groaning painfully against the hard manhood pressing in his breeches, which Frederick now knew would not find satisfaction, he leaned back. “Dear God, I would have you if I could.”

The momentary lapse of control was but for a sentence, but it was enough for Edie to swallow hard. Did she despise him for being so open with his desire? Or was she flattered? Was there a chance she could change her mind and let him—

“I wish you could,” Edie whispered.

And Frederick was clutching her again, pulling her closer, but she was laughing and pushing him away with splayed fingers.

“Frederick, no! We need to discuss—”

“There’s nothing to discuss,” Frederick muttered, pressing a hasty kiss on her neck.

It had the desired effect. When Edie spoke again, which was several kisses later, her voice had lost all its pert energy and she was instead panting. “We… We have to agree what will happen—”

“Oh, I know precisely what’s going to happen,” said Frederick, his pulse racing.

Dear God, he had never experienced anything like this before—and never would again.

Though Society may consider ladies to be those who were impressionable, who would be tainted once they had known the loving touch of a gentleman, Frederick now knew the opposite to be just as true.

Edie had touched him, and his affections, and he was now ruined for any other woman. How could he kiss someone else when there was Edie in the world? How could he countenance the betrayal if Edie was not the woman under his fingertips?

She most certainly was now. She was quivering, clearly aching with need, and he wanted to—

“I meant”—Edie’s voice was ragged—”what we are going to do after.”

Frederick froze. After?

Though the desire that had just seconds before been hurtling through his veins did not exactly stop, it simmered rather than raged.

Dear God—was it possible Edie had noticed something he had not? Had the preventative… split?

He had heard such things could occur. It would be damned bad luck for a gentleman who had attempted to do the right thing and take precautions. Was it possible it had happened to them?

Was there going to be a small Chance, someone he could love and care for all his days, after all?

He had unconsciously pulled back, his gaze searching hers, and Edie flushed. Perhaps the intensity of his thoughts showed on his face, but Frederick could not think of a way to articulate them.

Not with the image of that child flickering in his mind and—

“I meant,” said Edie, seeing further clarification was necessary, “what are we going to do about this… this fake engagement?”

And just like that, the dream was over. The delusion he had managed to convince himself of, that he and Edie would simply ride about in this carriage forever, uninterrupted, never having to face the future, shattered into a thousand pieces.

Fake engagement.

Yes, it was all a sham. So lost had Frederick become in the sensations of Edie’s body, in the laughter and wit of her personality, in the openness of her character, in how easily she slotted in with the family he had struggled to understand for so many years…

It had clouded his mind and made it impossible to remember this was all a pretense.

It wasn’t real. And that meant it had to come to an end.

“We can pretend to fall out later. The engagement only has to last a few weeks—a month or two, perhaps. The exact timing is immaterial.”

“Right,” said Frederick unnecessarily.

Edie’s expression was… He could not quite understand it. Her brows furrowed, but her lip trembled. There was sorrow there, and a little frustration—though whether that was of a physical nature or an emotional one, Frederick could not tell.

Both, perhaps. That was certainly how he felt.

“It’s just… Well, we have done an excellent job at convincing the ton we are engaged,” Edie said awkwardly.

“We have done an excellent job,” Frederick said softly, “of convincing them we are in love.”

In love.

The words echoed about them in the confined carriage, making his heart skip a beat and his attention focus on Edie.

For that skipped heartbeat, his whole being was attuned to her. Would she say… Would she say anything? Would she triumph at their deceit, would she scoff that such a thing could have occurred, or would she instead…

Frederick swallowed as Edie dropped her eyes to her hands—hands that were now free and unencumbered by his own.

What was she thinking? Oh, if only he could see the thoughts clearly whirling through her mind. Was it possible she felt… something for him? Anything. I would take anything at this point , Frederick thought feverishly. Just to know her affections had in some way been touched by their time together.

It was perhaps too much to hope that she felt as deeply as he did. He was not certain whether anyone had ever felt as deeply as he did for this woman before him.

A tingle of anticipation curled around him. Edie was opening his mouth. She was going to say—

“Indeed, we have done well,” she said lightly. “But with all the wedding preparations we and Father have done, we have yet to set a date. If we do not start making actual wedding plans soon, people in Society will start to get suspicious. We cannot have that.”

And all the hope which had risen died away.

He was being a fool—and if he were not careful, he would be making a fool of himself. Of course Edie Stewart did not love him. It had been her idea to create this pretense of an engagement in the first place.

“If my father demands marriage, then it will happen. If we pretend an engagement… “

No, he was being an idiot, and he would have to snap out of it swiftly if he was to prevent Edie from getting a whiff of desperation from him.

Frederick straightened his back as he always did when ready to face the world. It was not so different, really, to facing his family and keeping his heart protected.

Except it was completely different.

“The question is, therefore,” Edie said into the silence, as though she could not wait about for him to speak, “how… how to end it.”

End it.

End this. This closeness, this intimacy on which Frederick was starting to rely. End the laughter they shared, end the walks in Hyde Park and the coffee they shared at Don Saltero’s Chelsea Coffee House. End the hopes and dreams he’d had of a child with this wonderful, spectacular woman. End the light touch of her hand on his arm, end the possibility he could kiss her with all the fire of longing erupting from his—

He needed to say something. This could not be allowed to happen. Edie needed to know how he felt about her.

His gaze met hers, and his whole body responded.

How he felt about her, and what he wanted from her. Nothing but her love.

“Well, I suppose there is one way to end this pretense of an engagement,” he said, as nonchalantly as he could.

Edie nodded. “Excellent. I am all ears.”

Frederick mirrored her nod, but his words did not appear to be coming, which was most inconvenient.

All he had to do was say he loved her. He loved her. Edie, I love you. I love you—marry me. Be a part of my family. Make a family with me.

How hard could it be?

“There’s… There’s a ball in four days’ time,” Frederick said, his voice painfully hoarse. He cleared his throat. “I believe you and your father are due to attend.”

“We are, and Mrs. Teagan too. The whole family,” Edie said dryly.

Frederick tried to smile as the carriage rattled along and took a right. Did every gentleman attempting to reveal his feelings get so tongue-tied—or was this just him?

“Good, good,” he said vaguely. “Well, I thought, at that ball… “

His voice trailed away, unable to bear the burden, the weight of his import.

How was one supposed to say it? Was this, in truth, a proposal?

What he wanted to say was they could announce their wedding date at the ball. Actually chose one, chose each other. That the engagement that had been created to rectify an error in judgment—his, mostly—could become so much more.

That in fact, the ball could be the beginning of a true engagement, though the ton would not have to know that.

Frederick’s pulse was thundering, hope rising and making him soar. Yes, he was going to do it. He was going to ask her.

Edie spoke nervously into his silence. “Yes? The ball? It will be quite an important one. I hear a great number of people have been invited. And that is important because—”

“I thought, at this ball,” Frederick said slowly.

“—because naturally, as I am the flourishing rose of this year’s Season, and there is the fact that the new Season is almost upon us, I need to ensure I make a good match, and fast,” Edie said hurriedly, her words mingling together.

And his heart broke.

Oh, he’d been a damned fool to forget it.

Miss Edith Stewart was this year’s flourishing rose.

And that meant she wished to make the most impressive match she could, to the best gentleman, with the most extraordinary title, and with an income that far outstripped his own. Her father, too, would have wished such a thing had he not caught them in that library.

In truth, her father probably still wishes she was not engaged to me , he thought darkly.

He was being selfish.

It was not a pleasant thought, but it was no longer one he could deny. By keeping her locked in this pretend engagement, Frederick was preventing Edie from finding a true match. A match worthy of her. Since no one else seemed to have witnessed that scene in the library, surely, even her father would be willing to overlook the wound to Edie’s honor and pretend the whole thing had never happened.

Which left him but one choice.

The carriage was starting to trundle down London streets. It would not be long before they would arrive at the Stewart house, and Edie would step out of the carriage… leaving Frederick alone to lick his wounds.

His jaw tightened. “In that case, let us falsify an argument at this upcoming ball and initiate the end of this charade.”

Edie looked up, her breath shallow, a strange and unfathomable look in her eyes. “If… If you think that is best—”

“Most definitely,” said Frederick, pulling his heart behind stone walls and lowering the portcullis. He couldn’t— wouldn’t allow himself to feel the pain of this moment. “Our engagement will end on December eighth.”

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