6. Benny

CHAPTER SIX

benny

“How did you know you were gay?” Dallas’s eyes go wide, and I should probably feel bad about just blurting it out like that. But it’s been on my mind, so I just asked him. I haven’t seen my friend in over a week, and I missed him, but I also have questions.

He’s holding his son, Christian, having left the door to Colt’s and his house open for me to walk through. But he still looks surprised by my question, since it’s the first thing I said to him today. “What?”

I chuckle at his stunned look and then look at Christian, who’s reaching out for me. I take him happily, bouncing him in my arms as he plays with my hair. He seems to love my curls. “Hey little guy, it’s good to see you!” I snuggle him close to me and then look at Dallas. “And hey, friend. Long time, no see! How you been?”

Dallas just smirks at my over-the-top bullshit. “I’m good.”

“Good.” I bounce Christian in my arms as we walk into the house, and I let him down so he can toddle across the floor. He’s getting so big already. I look at Dallas. “Now that we got the formalities out of the way, how did you know you were gay?”

“Jesus.” He laughs and plops down on the couch in the living room that’s covered in toys and kid stuff. It suits this place. Perfect for a kid. I sit down next to him, waiting for him to answer me. “Uh...” Dallas watches his son, who’s playing in the corner by his toy box and then looks at me pointedly. “I guess when my dick got hard every time I saw a naked guy on TV. Or a good-looking guy walked past me and my eyes were on his ass before I had to force myself to look away.” I think about that for a minute, and Dallas goes on, “But girls didn’t do the same thing for me. Guys would be talking about how hot girls were, and I’d be thinking about their brothers.”

I purse my lips and think that over too. “Definitely not me. I’ve always thought girls were hot.”

He chuckles at that, looking a little confused as he watches me. “I know that.” He pats my knee. “It’s okay to be straight, Benny.” He’s joking, teasing me, and I gotta say, I love this side of Dallas.

He was way too serious there for a while. I hated it. Always tried to get him to loosen up. I laugh too. “Thanks, buddy! I appreciate that.” I grin, and he just shakes his head.

“What’s going on?”

I wish I knew. I really do. I had another dream about Rowan last night. Just as vivid, only this time his cock was thrusting in and out of my ass, and I loved every single moment of it. Never, not once have I thought I would like ass play, but Dream Benny sure did. “You know my breakup with Mya?”

He studies me carefully before he gives an uncertain nod. “I figured you would talk about it when you were ready.”

I’m not sure I’ll ever actually be ready to do that, but it’s like this living thing inside me—the guilt. If anyone understands that, it’s Dallas. He felt guilty for so long for inadvertently getting Coach Leighton in trouble when his parents found pictures he took of Coach in a gay club, even though nothing ever happened between them.

“I almost kissed someone,” I say quietly, my throat raw from the words that sliced through me on the way out. I’m not a cheater. Or I wasn’t until that day. I always believe in being honest, and if I wanted someone else when I was in a relationship, I would end it before doing anything that could hurt my girlfriend.

But I hurt Mya. I messed up.

“Almost?” he asks, and why does everyone get caught up on that part? Almost might as well be cheating in my book because I wanted it. I didn’t want it to be an almost.

I nod. “I wanted to kiss someone other than Mya. I almost did.”

“Benny...” I know that tone. He’s going to try to make me feel better, like I’d do for him.

“No. Don’t let me off the hook, Dallas.” I look right at him, pleading with him not to do that. “I wanted to kiss him. So bad. I could feel his body heat. He was so close to me, and I wanted to taste him.”

Dallas’s eyes widen again in shock, and I’m guessing because of the pronoun I’m using. “Him?”

I nod my head, letting him catch up. I know it’s a lot. It’s a lot for me. I’ve never once looked at another guy and thought I want him , but it’s different with Rowan. I do. I do want him.

And it’s driving me insane with need and desire. Confusion. Lots of confusion. Not only because I’m attracted to a dude, but because it’s Rowan. The guy hates me with a passion, and I want to kiss the hell out of him and apparently do a hell of a lot more than that.

“Um...” Dallas says, and it would be funny—his shock—if I wasn’t so desperate for some sort of answer. “Have you ever...” He grips the back of his neck nervously. “Is this the first guy you’ve been attracted to?”

I nod emphatically. “Yeah. I don’t get it. If I was into dudes, don’t you think I’d have wanted you? I mean, objectively, I know you’re a hot guy, but I never wanted to bend over for you.”

Dallas chokes, sputtering so much I have to smack him on the back to help him out. “Yeah. I don’t need that image in my head.”

“Because I’m so hot, right?” I say, waggling my eyebrows at him, and he just laughs.

“Right.” He shakes his head with a laugh. “No offense, but that would be like fucking my brother.”

“Exactly!” I say exuberantly and lean back into his sofa. “It would be. Never once have I seen you that way. But with Rowan?—”

“Wait.” Dallas sits up a little straighter and looks at me like I’m crazy. “Rowan? Rowan Kincaid? That’s who you almost kissed?”

I wince because shit. Maybe I shouldn’t have said his name. Is that like outing him? I would never do that on purpose, and besides, nothing really happened. I felt like he wanted to kiss me too, but maybe he was just about to pummel me before we heard a sound, and we jumped apart. “May... be?” I say slowly, trying to register his reaction.

“Rowan Kincaid is why you’re questioning your sexuality?”

I sit with that for a moment because listening to it out loud like that, it sounds even more far-fetched. “I don’t know what’s going on with me. I’m taking him to school this week, like all week, while he waits for a part for his truck, and he just smells so good. And his voice—his voice does this thing where it goes all deep and rumbly. It goes straight to my balls.”

Dallas looks over his shoulder at his son, but must seem to come to the conclusion he’s not paying attention to us and then looks back at me. “So you think maybe you could be bisexual?”

“I have no idea,” I answer honestly. “He’s the only guy I’m attracted to. Does that make me bi?”

His large shoulders lift in a shrug. “I don’t know, Benny. One thing I’ve learned is there are no actual rules. No one can tell you how you identify or that you’re wrong about the way you identify. Some people need a label, and some don’t.”

Do I? Am I someone who needs a definition? Not really. I mean, I never have been before. I kind of like going with the flow.

“I guess none of this really matters anyway, though.”

“Why not?” he asks curiously.

I grin. “It’s Rowan. The guy is a total homophobe and an asshole. No way he’s actually into me.”

Dallas frowns at that but doesn’t say anything.

“What?”

“Some people think homophobia comes from internal repression.”

I chuckle at that and shake my head. “If that were true, then all of Big Bend is actually gay.”

He offers a small smile at that. “Yeah, I never actually believed that theory. Well, it applying to everyone. Some people are just homophobic pricks, but I think it can apply to some.”

I think that over for a moment. “You think he might be gay but in the closet?”

Again, Dallas shrugs. “I don’t ever assume with anyone’s sexuality, but you said an almost kiss happened.”

“Almost being the key, and it was probably one-sided.”

“Probably?” His right eyebrow kicks up in question.

I go back to that day. The incident . The way he was looking at me—hungry and raw. Like he wanted to devour me. A shiver slides down my spine, and I squirm, my cheeks heating, thinking about that desperate hunger.

“Probably,” I say, even though I don’t believe it.

“Just be careful, Benny.” I look at my friend and see the worry in his eyes. “Big Bend... it’s...” he pauses and takes a deep breath before letting it out. “It’s not easy,” he whispers softly, and I nod in understanding.

My friend, my poor, sweet kind friend went through hell in that town because he was gay. “I will be,” I try to assure him.

Careful has never really been my thing though.